Wild Days

Willow:

Stepping through the entrance of Angel's hotel tonight is one of the strangest experiences I've ever had - and given the life I lead so far, this means a lot. I can still remember the last time, when everything seemed dark and deserted, not just the lobby, everything. I sat in the dark for hours, not moving, just hoping Angel would come. I tried picturing the conversation we were going to have in my mind, practiced it while waiting in the dark. When he finally arrived, he took one look at my face and knew. Until today I'm not sure what gave me away. Was it the eyes? Or the tear-streaked cheeks? In the end I think he just knew. Maybe he even knew before he saw me. At least I wouldn't be surprised, because Buffy and Angel used to have that kind of connection.

At that I suddenly realise I haven't thought about Tara for a whole two minutes, and instantly panic strikes me. Does that mean I'm starting to forget her? That I'm getting over it, that her face it going to retreat in my mind? I feel myself going hot and cold at the same time, the now familiar sweat starting to trickle down my back. Oh God, I can't let that happen. I can't forget her. She was my life, my everything. I pictured spending my whole life with her, sometimes sitting in my room, trying to imagine us getting old together, all wrinkly and still madly in love. And now she is gone. I held her dead body in my arms, and I almost lost myself because the pain seemed to consume my whole being.

"Hey, there you are." I see a young woman step into the lobby, a hesitant smile on her face, and somehow she seems familiar. Have I seen her before, I wonder? Maybe when I was here last time. But while telling Angel about Buffy, and holding him in my arms for a long time, I didn't really pay attention to my surroundings or the people in the room with us. I was too concentrated on Angel's pain, on my own, to notice anything besides that.

"Fred," Wesley greets the woman, not smiling back. He looks tired and messy in a way I've never expected the once so proper Englishman could be. "Everyone, this is Fred. Fred, -," he stops before introducing the Sunnydale-lot, looking around..

"Where is Gunn?"

"He went out, trying to …," she sighs, "I don't actually know. He … I think he … ever since they vanished he isn't the same anymore." She tries another smile, but she fails. I can feel she cares about Gunn, even might be in love with him, and she worries. I can't even remember worrying anymore. I think I'd give my soul if I could worry about Tara just one more time.

"I see," Wesley nods, "What about Connor?"

I see Buffy stiffen at the mention of Angel's son, and I wonder how she really feels about that piece of news. So far she's holding up perfectly, her appearance calm and controlled, she is the perfect Slayer. Not once did she mention Angel's name on our drive over. The decision if that's a good thing is yet to be made.

"Connor went with Gunn," Fred tells us. "He's a bit edgy, too. I mean, it's his father that's missing after all."

"So maybe we should do with the introductions then?" Xander proposes.

Quickly glancing at him, Wesley turns back to Fred, "Yes … so you already know Fred. Fred these are Willow, Xander, Anya, Mr. Giles, who is a watcher, Dawn, Buffy, and Spike. He … is a vampire."

"A vampire." Fred eyes the formerly blond suspiciously and backs away.

"He has a soul," I add quickly, and she relaxes. But after a moment she frowns. "I thought Angel was the only one."

"I wish," Spike mutters, but I've heard him. I didn't actually talk to him a lot since he returned with a soul, but I always had the feeling that getting one wasn't his choice. Now I feel myself getting curious to know how it happened in the first place.

"So you are Buffy?" Fred suddenly asks the blond standing left to me. "The Slayer? Angel's Buffy?"

My friend raises a brow and she almost looks amused, "Angel's Buffy? Hardly. That was … a long time ago."

"Uh-huh," Fred nods knowingly, but doesn't comment, but I wonder what's going on behind those brown eyes.

"So I gather," Wesley takes charge again, "there isn't any news?"

"No," Fred sighs sadly. "I tried to get into Wolfram & Hart's files, but …," she shrugs, "I'm not Cordy."

Computer? "Did you just say the magical word?" I ask, stepping forward. "Because, you know, computers … I'm not bad with them."

"She's the ultimate geek," Xander smiles at me.

"Oh," Fred's face lightens up. "That's … wonderful. Could you … the computer is over there." She points at a desk behind the counter, then comes with me when we walk over. "So you … are Buffy's friend?" she asks when we're seated.

"Yeah, her best friend," I tell her, wondering at the same time if that's still true. I tried to destroy the world, after all. Best friends usually don't do that. But then, Angel tried the same, and Buffy took him back. "So what do you want to look for?" I need to get busy, needing to stop to remember that Angel lost his soul when he did all these things, that he wasn't in control of his body. I'm not sure Buffy can understand that with Tara my soul died as well. Or at least I thought so for while.

"There is this site, I could hack into," she explains, her fingers flying over the keyboard, and we're waiting until the page opens. "See. This one. It belongs to Wolfram & Hart. It was hard enough to get here, but I can't get any further. They have codes and passwords and I'm …," she shrugs a bit helplessly, "lost."

"Looks pretty difficult," I frown, while studying the information on the webpage. It's a coded page, not meant for the eyes of outsiders. "Hmmm," I tip my index finger against my chin, "They've got some tricky barriers, that's for sure."

"Anything?"

I see Buffy coming over, Dawn in tow, and two Summers-girls look at me expectantly. So far Buffy has given me nothing but support since Xander found me on the hill, and after Giles forgave me for almost killing him. He insists I wasn't in control then - in a way like Angel - but I have a hard time believing it. I was there, I was enjoying it, I wanted to hurt him, show him how strong I was. I can still feel the power coursing through me, can feel it filling me, every cell of my being. Never before I have felt that way, so ultimately in control, without even realising that it wasn't really me.

"Will?"

Buffy's's voice pulls me back from the abyss of remembered dark magick, and I focus my eyes back on the screen, trying not to let them see how shaken I am by the memory. I have to get myself back on track. I have to. But God, Tara, I miss you, baby. I miss you so.

"Looks totally … unintelligible," Dawn comments, scrunching her nose.

"Yes, but I think I can get through eventually. Not right away though," I tell them, taking several shallow breaths. I need to control this, I can't let myself slip again, or the next time the magick will overrule me completely. "Whoever made this, they're good."

"Do you think this law firm might be somehow involved in Angel's disappearance?"

I see Giles has joined us. He's leaning over the counter, his face serious. I'm so glad he is back. I think none of us realised how much we missed him until he returned. And I would be lost without his counsel and knowledge. He seems to understand without me having to explain, and he listens and doesn't judge, has even told me that he almost slipped once himself. I asked him if he meant his encounter with Eygon. He didn't say yes, just looked at me for a long moment.

"Well, it's possible," Wesley replies, standing beside him, looking extremely uncomfortable with the subject. He frowns slightly, shuffling through papers without looking at them. "But I … somehow I don't think so. Angel has many enemies."

"Not really great big news," Buffy says, perching on the edge of the desk, grabbing a file with Angel's name on it. "Did you actually put a file together?" she asks.

"Uhm - yeah … I …," Fred fidgets nervously with her fingers, "I … there was a lot of time on our hands and I …"

"It's okay," I hear Wesley interrupting her gently. "We're all concerned." I look up and have to hide my surprise at the way Wes looks at her. It's almost as if …

"Hey, woah - what's with the commotion?"


Buffy:

We all turn around and see two men standing in the doorway. I know the African-American has to be Gunn, he's the one who has spoken, and that leaves for the other one …

"Connor," Fred calls out, coming up from behind the counter, walking over to the young man who stares at us with open confusion. "You're back."

"Yes, we are … we killed three vampires," he replies, his eyes strangely fixed on me, eyes I've seen before, eyes that seem to go right through me, and I wonder if such a skill can be inherited as well. I feel my heart constrict at the thought, and even more at the sight of those dark brown eyes. Does he even know how much Connor looks like him, I wonder shortly? Of course, he does. Angel was always very attentive, and I can only imagine how he must feel about this young man who is a walking miracle. I still remember Angel's little speech about not being able to father children. We were so young then, or I was, and still so innocent.

"These are Angel's friends from Sunnydale," Fred explains, introducing us, and I almost laugh at the description. Friends? Angel never had any friends in Sunnydale. I'm not sure if I was one. Was it the reason he left? Because nobody really ever accepted him? I did, for a while, before he lost his soul, went to Hell, and returned, but afterwards … Did I ever really trust him? Did I trust myself? And in failing to trust, did I - unconsciously - push him away? Whatever, I think, sighing inwardly, it's not the point. Angel is missing and that's all that counts.

For a moment I'm stunned at my own thoughts. When did this happen, I wonder? When did Angel start to become the centre of my attention again?

"Another vampire?"

I manage to get back to the present the very same moment, Connor advances on Spike who holds up his hands, "Hey, kid, no need to get hostile. I'm not going to do anything."

"You're a vampire," Connor says. He's stopped, but a stake is firmly clutched in his hand, and he's thrown the words at Spike as if they were an accusation, and there's so much venom and hatred in his eyes it makes me shudder. For a moment I can actually see Darla in him, and wonder how he would react if I told him. Given his reaction to Spike, not very well, I suppose.

"Yeah, well," Spike says defensively, "Not actually news around here, seeing as you and I are family - somehow."

"Spike," Giles warns, glaring at the undead man. Surprisingly Giles was the one who accepted Spike, while we others still try to deny his existence, and I sometimes wonder if it's out of guilt, because he treated Angel so badly after he came back from Hell.

"Spike has a soul," Willow explains from her spot behind the computer. "Hey, I'm Willow by the way."

"He has a soul?" Connor does seem to have a hard time digesting that. "But I-," his eyes dart to Gunn, as if seeking an explanation, but the African-American simply shrugs.

"Happened recently," Dawn supplies, the suppressed anger in her voice barely controlled. I might not be able to look at Spike without feeling nauseous, my sister on the other hand can't look at him without wanting to kill. When she found out what Spike almost did to me, she didn't want to believe it, but when she did, I think if Spike had still been around, she would've staked him on the spot. While I wasn't exactly surprised by Spike's behaviour - I got to know him pretty well after all - Dawn was devastated by his betrayal. She thought he was a friend, she trusted him, and then he went and tried to-

"Buffy?"

"Yes, present," I look at Connor who is now standing right in front of me. Well, standing isn't exactly the right term, he's towering above me already, and again I'm reminded of another pair of brown eyes looking down at me. But while those were full of love most of the time, Connor's are openly curious, and the slightest bit - afraid? Why, I wonder? Why would Connor be afraid of me? Unless-

I can't finish the thought when his lips suddenly turn into his father's half-smile, and my knees suddenly go weak. "So you are the Slayer?"

"Uhm … yeah," I smile back a bit uncertainly, not sure what to think of him. He seems nice enough, but there is something about him, I can't really put my finger on, but it makes my Slayer senses go into alarm. "That'd be me. Buffy. Always ready to save the world."

He nods, contemplating something, before he says, "My fath-, I mean my adopted father told me about you. The Slayer saves mankind. She is there to kill vampires, to rid the world of evil."

I quickly glance at Giles at that, and I can see the amusement in his eyes. Obviously he hasn't noticed Connor's slip or didn't pay it any attention. Still I make a mental note to find out what it means. Fred said Connor was edgy because Angel was missing, yet he calls Holtz his father, or he almost did. And when he saw us? Shouldn't he be asking about his father, if we knew something about him? Instead he tries to attack Spike, then praises the Slayer, namely me. Definitely something I need to keep in mind.

I look back at Angel's son. "Don't want to disappoint you, but so far the evil still keeps coming."

"Yes," he agrees, nodding eagerly, his eyes shining with something that makes me a little bit nervous.

"But we can't give up fighting. To fight evil is a sacred cause for which we will be rewarded by God."

A little taken aback by his words, I remember Wesley's words about Connor, about his upbringing with Holtz, which probably explains his unusual use of language, the almost ancient phrasing. Does he know how much he sometimes sounds like Angel, I wonder? Or does Angel maybe not sound like that anymore? Again I'm finding myself asking how Angel is these days? I haven't seen him for months and that one short time after I came back I wasn't actually that vocal, still too shaken by my unwanted resurrection. I sometimes wonder now if I hurt him that night, but I was too fucked up to care – and later I simply tried to forgot about it.

"So you are fighting evil, too?" I ask Connor finally.

"I have been slaying demons and vampires, yes," he answers, smiling.

"He's been doing well. More than that actually," Gunn comes up behind Angel's son and claps him on the back approvingly. "Angel would be proud of him."

"You've been busy, I can see," I say, letting my eyes sweep over the group of friends and … well non- riends maybe … and then I ask the question that's bugged me from the moment we left Sunnydale tonight. The question I hope one of Angel's friends can answer. "What I'd really like to know, though. You claim to be Angel's friends, all of you. He's missing for three months. He could be -," I stop not able to finish that thought, instead gesture with my hand, "whatever. But only now that Wesley's stumbled over this prophecy, you're coming to me for help. So," I pause again, look at them, one after the other, my eyes staying on Connor, "I wonder. If you were so afraid for Angel as you're all claiming to be. Why didn't you come earlier?"