Lost Letters

Title: Lost Letters

Author: Jennifer

Copyright (c) 2002 - 2003 by Jennifer Johnson

Distribution: If you would like to archive this somewhere, please ask my permission first!

Feedback: jennpurr@yahoo.com or willowtaralove@netzero.com Please, give me feedback. Good or bad. Feel free to tell me what you think. Or just post it here.

Disclaimers: All characters belong to Joss Whedon/Mutant Enemy/UPN/FOX and whoever else owns the rights. This is solely for my entertainment. Please do not copyright this story. All original characters belong to me.

F/F romance: If the idea and depiction of a same sex relationship bothers you, please do not read this story.

Pairings: W/T eventually, X, B

Spoilers: None

Summary: Someone in Willow's family has died and she discovers a painful secret.

Rating: PG to NC-17. This part is PG

Angst Level: 3 to 4

My Thanks: To Danie. Thanks for being my beta/friend and for helping me out with all the suggestions. You truly are gifted for writing. I hope you continue to do so. And D, don't forget the catnip.

Dedication: To all the W/T fans. May we always keep Tara alive in our hearts.

Author's Notes: The timeline of this fic takes place 8 years after Tara left Willow in, "Tabula Rasa." She left Sunnydale and moved to LA. They have not spoken since that time. Willow moved out of Buffy's house and in with her parents until she graduated from College. Now, she has her own house and owns her own business.

Story Note: Guys, this is very angsty, but if you will hang in there through the whole story, I promise you it will be well worth it. If I make anyone cry, I am very sorry. Again, I'm sorry for the angst. Hang in there.



FIC: Lost Let, Ch, Chapter 3
By: Jennifer



Tara stepped up beside her and leaned down, placing the flowers on the dirt mound. When she stood back up, she met the redhead's eyes. "Hi, Willow."

Willow opened her mouth to say something, but nothing came out. The blonde had rendered her speechless. The wheels in her brain were turning ninety miles a minute and all she could do was just stand there, staring at this beautiful creature.

She reached forward, following her hand with her eyes, and tentatively and lightly touched the other girls arm, making sure she was real, that her eyes weren't betraying her. At the contact, she yanked her hand back down to her side and her body started to tremble. She is real.

Looking Tara in the eyes was the last straw. Her bottom lip started to quiver, her eyes tearing up and when the other girl frowned and a look of concern washed over her features, she lost it. Her tears started to fall and her shaking worsened.

Out of pure instinct and an overwhelming need to comfort, Tara stepped forward.

Just when Willow thought her knees were going to give out, tumbling her to the ground, she felt two strong arms wrap around her and pull her close.

The blonde sighed softly, when she hooked her arms under the other girl's and pulled her tight against her body. She never thought this moment would ever happen again, just as Willow had, and she planned on taking full advantage of it, even if it didn't mean anything.

This wasn't something she had planned. Willow didn't want her anymore, she had made that perfectly clear, in not responding with her even once, over the past eight years. Now this, this hug, she would support her ex-lover and comfort her, lending her strength until she felt it wasn't needed any longer. Then she would leave. Walk away, as she had before.

That's what she told herself, anyhow, but unbeknownst to her, she hadn't expected what happened next.

A strangled cry worked its way up through the redhead's body and finally landed on her vocal cords. She sobbed Tara's name and latched her arms onto her back, returning the embrace with gusto.

"Easy, Willow," she sympathized with her ex-lover. This moment was something that they both had dreamed about for years, but Tara had pushed it away and hidden it in the deepest recesses of her heart, not letting herself be hurt by the want anymore. "Shhh..." she tried to gently coax her to let go a little.

Willow took the hint and laxed her arms some, bu, but she didn't move.

Tara held her for a few more silent minutes, until the redhead was completely relaxed, and then she tried to take a step back.

Willow, however, had other plans. Her arms tightened around the blonde again and she wouldn't let her move away.

Laughing softly, she didn't even try to censor her words from what her heart told her to say. "Sweetie, I'm not going anywhere. I just want to talk to you and actually look at your face."

For the second time in the past couple of minutes, the hacker couldn't move. That one word, that sweet endearment, she hadn't heard that in 8 years. It made her heart beat loudly in her chest.

Stepping back finally, her eyes took in her companion's wordless expression. "What is it?" Tara asked, concern filling her again.

Willow's voice seemed to magically re-appear and she whispered. "You, you called me, sweetie."

Nodding, the other girl asked, "Is that okay?" Even if it wasn't, she couldn't keep it from her lips; it just wouldn't go away.

"God, yes." Willow smiled a little. "It's just... you haven't called me that, since..." she just lowered her eyes and stared at the ground. "...You left," her voice trailed off to nothing.

Tara didn't understand. She'd called the other girl, sweetie, many times in her letters. Why was she acting like she'd never heard the word before? "I, I've used it since then, Willow. In my letters."

The mention of the letters brought a fresh spring of tears to the hacker's eyes and they slithered down her cheeks. This dear woman had no idea.

"Tara, I... today, I got your letters, today." Willow lifted her head and searched the other girl's eyes.

"What?" Tara shook her head, confused. "No, I sent..."

"Wait," she said gently. "I never got your letters." The hacker waited for the blonde to grasp the recognition of the statement. When she saw it in her face, she spoke again. "I never got them, until today. Mom kept them from me."

Stumbling back a step, at the severity of the confession, she gripped the offered hand to steady herself. Looking down at her hand, after a moment she interlaced her fingers with Willow's, giving in, letting her heart lead her once more.

"I'm sorry, Tara. I would have written you back or called, if I had known. You have to know that?" The last part was a question, which the blonde answered with a nod of her head.

Willow's free hand balled into a fist at the ache. She wanted to touch Tara so badly, make sure that she was real, that it was actually her beloved standing here in front of her, but she didn't know if she should. Finally deciding she didn't care, the hacker un-balled her fingers.

Inching her hand upwards, towards her goal, her skin itched in anticipation. Finally reaching it's destination, her fingers splayed out and she lightly cupped the other girl's cheek.

The blonde witch's eyes, fluttered shut at the touch and she leaned her cheek into it. Her heart had finally won and she made no effort to stop it. This is what she wanted, this other girl touching her; this is what she needed, even if she could never bring herself to say it.

"I just wanna make one thing perfectly clear, Tara Maclay... I could never hate you or be disgusted by you." Her thumb caressed her skin, back and forth.

Opening her eyes, she looked back, perplexed. "I..."

Willow interrupted her before she could say anything. "I don't know how you could have thought that or would ever think that." She untwined their fingers and her now free hand, came up to hug the other side of her face.

"Never. That will never happen."

A teary nod and a smile, was her response.

The hacker started to remove her hands, but Tara stopped her.

Placing her hands firmly over the others on her cheeks, she turned her head to the right and kissed the palm of Willow's left hand. Once her lips separated from the skin, she gripped her digits in between her companions and brought them down to her sides. Stepping forward, she leaned in and left a lingering kiss on the hacker's forehead.

They both closed their eyes and sighed in sync. When Tara pulled back, she caught the green eyes with her blue. "Can we talk? Not here, though."

"Yeah. We can go back to my house." Willow started to turn, to walk towards the car, but Tara stopped her progress.

"I... I want to be alone... to talk," the blonde grinned, shyly.

"My house. We'll be alone," Willow confirmed.

"Good. Let's go," Tara started to walk this time, dropping one of Willow's hands, but keeping the other firmly hugged with her own.

The redhead followed. No more questions or words were needed.

*****

Willow pulled into her driveway, driving in until she was right in front of the garage door. As she was stepping out of her car, Tara had just pulled in behind her and parked.

She walked over and opened the door for the blonde, holding it open until Tara climbed out of her vehicle. Once the girl was well away from its path, she closed the door with a loud slam.

"Thanks, sweetie." Smiling, Tara stood beside her, admiring the front of the house. "This is lovely, Will."

"Thank you. I like it," Willow responded, looking at the other girl's face. "You wanna go in?" She moved to go, but held out her hand.

Slipping her hand into the offered one, the blonde witch nodded and interlaced their fingers.

The house was a one-story home. A sidewalk extended from the driveway to the steps, leading up to the front porch, which covered the front of the house in length. There was a roof over the porch and a swing to the left of the stairway, sitting close to one of the windows.

The home itself was white with a gray roof.

Tara immediately took purchase on the swing, sitting down on it and moving it with her legs.

"You like my swing, huh?" the redhead grinned. She remembered a conversation that they had shared once and the other girl had told her of her love for swings. She had always wanted one.

Stilling its movement with her feet, Tara smiled happily. "I love it."

"Come on," the hacker offered her hand again, pulling the other girl up and out of the swing, when she firmly grabbed on. Going over to the front door, she slipped her key in the lock and unlocked it.

etineting her keys, she then pushed the door open. Willow still held tight to Tara's hand. It felt good to be in hers again. She had missed holding hands with the blonde witch.

Tara closed the door behind her, as they went in-to Willow's house.

*****

After a brief tour of the rooms and kitchen, they both settled in the living room.

Willow was sitting on one end of her medium sized sofa, her right arm resting on the back of it.

Tara sat at the opposite end, her body turned sideways, legs crossed and tucked underneath her. She was leaning forward, elbows resting in the bend of her knees as they talked.

They had grown silent for the last couple of minutes, just taking time to reacquaint themselves with each other. Now that they were actually inside, alone, a sudden shyness had crept over them

"Tara?" the hacker whispered, turning her head to look at her companion.

"Hmmm?" she also looked up, catching green eyes with her own.

"I missed you," Willow's features were saddened, a lump forming in her throat.

"I missed you, too. So much. I, I couldn't stop thinking about you." Tara laid her arm on the back of the sofa, hand and resting an inch away from her ex-lovers, aching to touch her again.

Looking at the blonde's hand, she moved her fingers closer, their fingertips touching. When Willow spoke again, her voice was soft, almost a whisper. She kept her eyes on their hands, as their fingers started to give the others small hugs.

"I've thought about you every day; wondering how you were. You're always on my mind. It doesn't feel like eight years have passed; it feels like it's been longer. A-and it just gets worse everyday. I feel..." Looking away and over, she looked into Tara's eyes, searching deeply; probing. "I feel lost," she finally admitted.

"Oh, sweetie. Com'ere." Tara patted her lap and watched as the other girl, scooted over and lay down, her head resting in the blonde's lap.

Willow was lying on her back, her left hand was up and beside her face, gripping Tara's knee.

Playing with the soft red hair, her fingers sifted through it the best they could from this angle. She sighed deeply before speaking.

"I've felt lost, too, Will... but if you'll let me, I can find you. We can find each other." Tara cupped her face, upside down, with both hands. Her thumbs caressed the supple flesh of the tops of her cheeks.

"Together?" the hacker's eyes fluttered, briefly.

"Together," Tara agreed, smiling gently.

"I wanna be found," Willow said, putting her hands over the blonde's. "Especially if it's you,se dse doing the finding."

"Always, sweetie." Tara grinned.

"Tara?" Willow shifted her body somewhat, propping herself up on her right elbow, beside the other girl's left knee.

"Yes?" She knew that tone. The redhead was either nervous about something or just very unsure.

"Can you... will you..." Frustrated with herself, she closed her eyes and blew out a deep breath.

Tara had to fight really hard not to laugh. Willow was just too cute at times. "What do you need, Willow?"

"Will you hold me?" she asked, shyly.

"Of course. Sit up for a second." When she did as asked, the blonde witch unhooked her legs and stretched them out. She placed a leg on either side of the other girl's body and held out her arms, scooting her body forward so she could lay back.

Moving over and turning on her right side, the redhead glided into Tara's arms. She wrapped her arms around the girl's waist and rested her cheek into the crook of her neck.

Tara couldn't keep the moan at bay, which escaped from her vocal cords, once Willow settled. "Mmmm, Willow... I've missed having you in my arms."

The hacker rotated her head an inch to the right and let her lips brush against the skin of Tara's neck. It was a subtle move, nothing more than to show her appreciation, but when she heard the sharp intake of breath from the body beneath her, she went back to her prior position. Her cheek now rested against the blonde's.

"Sorry," Willow apologized, squeezing the waist that she held. "This is nice," she agreed with the earlier statement. "I've missed this, too."

Tara closed her eyes and breathed in and out, calmly.

"I, um... haven't done this since... before," the redhead whispered, nervously. She didn't know if she should be admitting this now.

"You haven't?" Tara pulled her head back so she could look Willow in the eyes.

"No. I tried to find someone else, but I couldn't. They weren't..." she gazed into her eyes, deeply. "They weren't you, Tara." Unhooking her left arm from the blonde's waist, she brought her hand up and her fingertips caressed the girl's cheek.

"Buffy said something today, that I hadn't completely realized before then, I don't think. I think I was looking for you all along and when I didn't find you, I couldn't stay dating those women." Her fingers moved lower, so close to those full lips. She wanted to touch them, feel their softness.

"You don't have to explain." Tara's body shivered at the touch.

"Yes I do." Shifting, Willow now lay on top of her beloved, where she wanted to be. Her right arm still claimed the waist of the blonde witch. "I haven't been with anyone, since you."

Her brow furrowed, she was confused. "You said you dated other women?"

Smiling, the hacker nodded. "For like, 2 seconds." The pads of her digits finally moved over, tracing the supple lips, bathing in their fullness. "I mean intimately, Tara."

Recognition dawning, Tara blushed. "Oh... well, I haven't either... only you. I tried dating, but it just didn't work out. None of them made me happy. My heart was in love with someone else. It's STILL in love with that person." She was having a hard time concentrating with what the other girl was doing.

Grinning, Willow knew exactly the effect she was having on Tara. If the blonde only knew how it was making her feel inside. "You, you haven't?"

"No," she closed her eyes now, succumbing to the touch. She didn't hesitate the next move. Gently, Tara kissed the redhead's fingers, part of her imagining that they were her lips.

It was Willow's turn to close her eyes. As she did so, she contemplated what she would do now. She wanted to say it. She ached to say it, but what would the girl do? Then she remembered the letters, what they had said. Tara had told her, forever, but did she still mean it?

The blonde had just said that she had been in love with someone else; that she was STILL in love with this someone. Could that person be her? Should she even hope for that to be fact?

Taking a deep breath, she went for it, risking everything and diving in for the plunge. "I love you, Tara."

Opening her eyes, she stilled her lips, the fingers forgotten as Willow's words played in her ears. The look of love on the other girl's face was unmistakable. Her heart leapt in her chest. This beautiful woman still loved her.

A tear running down her cheek, she smiled. "Oh, Willow. I love you, too. I never stopped."

"Really? Then it WAS, me?" The redhead wanted to believe it, but couldn't bear the thought that it wasn't true. She whimpered, when she watched Tara's face rising to meet her own.

The blonde decided to skip talking and show this woman, this woman that she loved, just how much she still did in fact, love her.

Leaning down, their lips were in range; so close. Willow could feel Tara's warm breath on her skin and she closed her eyes, anticipating. This was it. It never happened though. A loud pounding on her front door, broke the moment.

The hacker's head snapped up and she grunted in frustration. Whoever had the nerve to interrupt this moment, was going to wish they hadn't. However, the panicked voice that flowed from the other side of the door, replaced all anger she was feeling.

"Willow! I need to talk to you." It was Buffy. "Please, open up!" Her voice was urgent.

Sighing, Willow gave Tara a look of apology and placed her index finger over her lips. "Sorry... I better answer her." Leaning down, she positioned her mouth close to the blonde's ear. "Hold that thought."

Kissing the redhead's finger, she grinned and watched Willow move off of her and start to make her trek towards the door.

"Will?" The Slayer asked again, her impatience seeping from her voice.

"I'm coming, Buffy." She rearranged her shirt, fluffing it down into place. Her best friend had the worst timing, ever. And she planned on telling her just that - someday.

*****


TBC...