Impact

Buffy stared at the door he had slammed on his way out, her words never reaching his ears. It was then that her senses picked up the presence behind her. She turned to find Angel and Wesley standing behind her. It was obvious they had heard everything. The office was not sound proof, and she and Giles had been screaming at each other. Wesley looked very uncomfortable, and would only look at his shoes. Angel seemed concerned and troubled, especially to see his former love standing there slumped, with tears running down her face. He took a step towards her, intent on giving her some kind of comfort when Gunn burst through the door.

“Call 911!! Hurry! We need an ambulance. NOW!” Before any of them could ask anything, Gunn turned and ran back outside, followed closely by Buffy and Angel. Wesley grabbed the phone off the desk and called for an ambulance. He didn’t know what to tell them what the problem was, but just told them to hurry. The look on Gunn’s face had frightened him and expressed urgency in the matter.

Buffy and Angel followed closely on Gunn’s heels. Angel saw instantly what had happened, and he tried to turn and shield Buffy from the sight. But it was too late. She screamed out his name as she saw him lying lifeless in the middle of the street. “GILES!” He grabbed her before she could enter the street, barely keeping himself from the sunlight. He pulled her back with all his might underneath the awnings of the front doors, his arms beginning to smoke as the sun burned into him. “You can’t touch him Buffy. We shouldn’t touch him or move him. Wait for the ambulance.” It took all his strength to hold her back into the shade. If Buffy hadn’t been in so much shock at the sight, she could have easily dislodged his grip with her slayer strength. But she could see that Willow, Dawn and Xander were also staying back a bit, afraid to touch their unconscious, broken friend.

“He just ran right out into the street.” Willow cried. “He didn’t even look, and just ran right out in front of the truck!” The driver was slouched down on the sidewalk, holding his head down, bowed as if in prayer. Wesley came out of the hotel and saw the scene before him. He approached the driver and asked him, “Are you alright?” The man merely nodded.

Wesley could hardly believe what had played out this evening. First to overhear Buffy and Giles argue, and to hear Buffy finally admit her love for her Watcher, only for Giles not to hear the words that he would most desperately want to hear more than anything. They had all seen how much they loved each other, and hurt each other, over the years. Wesley wasn’t surprised. He had seen evidence of their bond during his time of being Buffy’s Watcher. And they had all survived apocalypse after apocalypse, vampires, werewolves, black magics, and the First evil itself. Yet, in one moment, one careless moment, Giles’ life now lay threatened by something unsupernatural. He was not fallen by a sword, or a fang, or a knife, or sorcery, but by the impact of a delivery truck.

The ambulance finally arrived, fighting through the crowd of friends to get to the victim. “Please, we need room to work.” They pleaded with the group until sufficient space had been made. The medics carefully slid a backboard under Giles, after putting a collar around his neck to hold him in place. They moved slowly and carefully, but were confident in their jobs. Within moments they had Giles strapped into the ambulance.

Everything was a blur to Buffy. She couldn’t make out what anyone said. All she could see was her Watcher broken and bleeding in the street. He was unresponsive. And it was her fault.

“My fault, my fault” she cried under her breath. Willow heard and looked at her with concern, not understanding. Angel just shook his head at Willow, and tried to quiet Buffy. “It’s an accident, Buffy. It’s not your fault. Come on, let’s get to the hospital.”

Wesley, Gunn, and Fred decided it would be best for them to stay behind. Wesley had to man the office, and Gunn and Fred had been in the middle of a case before breaking for lunch. It was an urgent matter, and it was figured that there was nothing for them to do but wait at the hospital anyway. And since Gunn and Fred had witnessed the accident while walking back from lunch, they stayed to answer questions by the police who were now also gathered at the scene. The rest went to the hospital in Angel’s car with the top securely fastened, after Angel promised to phone as soon as there was news. Willow, Dawn and Xander held each other in the back seat, trying to console one another in their grief. Buffy had withdrawn into herself. Angel tried to reach out and hold her hand as he drove as fast as he dared to the emergency room, but she pushed him away and focused her gaze out the window, her thoughts inward.

Now Giles lay in a coma, unresponsive to any stimuli. The doctors did not know when or if he would wake up. It turned out that his only severe injury was trauma to the head, and all of the other injuries were not fatal in any way. He had a broken left arm and a few ribs were cracked, and hiss wes were scraped of skin, but his head taking the impact of the pavement as he hit the street is the injury that could prove fatal.

It was a day and a half later now, with no change. Angel came back to the hospital to find Xander and Willow and Dawn all asleep in the waiting room. Lilly was also gone for the night. After checking with the nurse at the desk and learning that there was no change in Giles’ condition, Angel slowly crept down to his room.

Buffy had not moved from the right side of Giles’ bed. The tea still left untouched on the side table. She still grasped her Watcher’s right hand in both of hers, clutched to her chest. Her face was blank. She was lost in the memories, and they were not of the good. It broke Angel’s heart to see her like this. Giles needed to wake up. And once he did, Angel would do everything in his power to insure that Giles and Buffy reconciled, and stayed together. They both loved each other. It was meant for them to be together. Angel knew that now.

He slowly walked around the foot of the bed and approached her. “Buffy?”

She shook herself back to reality when she heard her name. She glanced down at Giles’ face, and then realized the voice had come from another. “Oh, Hi Angel. What time is it?”

“It’s late. You should go get some sleep, or something to eat.”

She just shook her head resolutely. “I’m not leaving.”

Angel walked over to the window and peered out into the night between the curtains. The city could be pretty. He wondered how many people were safe and at peace tonight, and how many were alone in their grief. No matter how much good he tried to do, it never seemed to be enough. There was always something bad out there, lurking in the shadows. He dropped the curtains and looked again at Buffy. He could only see the back of her head, as she bowed over Giles’ bed.

“Buffy, do you know why Giles left after Glory?”

That seemed to get her attention slightly. “He told me it was to make me strong, so I could stand on my own feet and not lean on him.”

Angel smiled sadly. That might have been what Giles wanted to think of his own leaving, but it was hardly the truth. “Buffy, look at me please. We need to talk.” Angel put his hands in his pockets, so he wouldn’t bring his hands out in front of her.

Buffy looked up at his face and saw how serious he seemed. She gently kissed the back of Giles’ hand and laid it down on his chest. She stood up, stretched out her tired and stiff muscles, and then went to stand in front of the window next to Angel. Neither saw Giles’ eyes open, watching them intently.

“What is it Angel? What are you trying to tell me? That he left because I kept hurting him over and over again? Because I’m no good? Because I came back wrong? I already know all these things.” She didn’t cry, but just stated these things matter of factly. It was clear to Angel that she believed every word.

He gave her a piercing look. “Buffy, Giles left for the same reason that I left. Because he loves you. He couldn’t bear to see you suffer anymore. It was selfish of him. He was the one suffering, and instead of telling you how he felt, he left. He was a coward.” Anger began to build within the vampire. “It’s not your fault he is in that bed. It’s his fault. If he had been honest with you about his feelings from the beginning, then you’d both be happy now.” He dropped his gaze to the floor. “I know now what you were talking about, with the cookie dough. You love him. He is the one for you. He completes you. You are only who you are supposed to be when you are with him. That is what you meant, isn’t it?”

Buffy was the one to part the curtains and look out the window down on to the street this time. “Angel, I did love you, but it was different. With you, it was a love of fantasy, what every little girl dreams about. You were my first love, but in some ways it wasn’t as real as it should have been. It was more like a story book kind of love than a make the future with love.”

She swallowed as she remembered there past together. “It was real, Angel, but it wasn’t meant to be.” She dropped the curtain and fixated on the vampire’s face, intent on making him understand, as well as herself. “Even if you hadn’t been cursed, I don’t think you were the one for me in the end.” Angel nodded, knowing she spoke the truth. He was a vampire after all. And she was a glorious woman, blossoming more and more every day.

“Then there was Riley. In a way, that was Giles’ fault too.”

Angel snorted. “I never liked soldier boy. And how could that have been Giles’ fault?” Giles wondered that himself as he continued to listen in on the conversation.

Buffy smiled sadly. “Riley did love me, but I never loved him. You see, I went over to Giles’ house one day to talk to him about a new vamp in town. I found him there with a woman. Olivia.” Buffy said the lady’s name as if it was something unspeakable. Angel smiled slightly. Buffy had been jealous.

Buffy rolled her eyes at him. “Anyway….she was there, in his shirt, and he had no time for me. He basically told me to leave him alone and get a life. So I did, or tried to. Riley was normal. Or at least I thought so at first. I was only with him because I couldn’t be with Giles.”

Giles cursed himself. If he had only known then how she felt?

“Then, after Riley, well…my life was just not going well. Dawn was the Key, my mom died…it just wasn’t conducive to having a relationship. But I knew then that Giles was there for me, and I loved him even more. I really began to appreciate him then. He always was there for me, supporting me, loyal to me, seeing me at my worst and still caring for me. His whole life had become about me, and I was grateful, but…the timing was just not good. I had to protect Dawn. I couldn’t think of anything or anyone else.”

Angel reached up and brushed a lock of her hair off of her forehead, meeting her gaze. “And then you died.” There was an awkward silence for a bit, and Angel returned his hands to the pockets of his jacket.

“Then I died. And when I came back, I was different. It took me a long time to find myself again.”

“And Spike?” Angel asked gently.

Buffy sighed. “Spike, yes, well…I …it’s hard to explain.”

Giles strained to hear her from his hospital bed.

“Spike was the only one that seemed to understand what I was going through, and the only one that was truly there for me. When Giles first came back, it was the first time I truly felt alive, and actually was happy to be back. But I still had darkness in me. And I couldn’t explain that to anyone. But Spike knew. And after Giles left, I was crushed. Spike was the only one that gave me any kind of feelings whatsoever. They weren’t the completed feelings that Giles gave me. They were just feelings. It was better than feeling nothing.”

“So what changed? I mean, you were with Spike, and then I sense that something happened between the two of you? Xander mentioned you had a falling out but he wasn’t very clear.”

Buffy felt the tears piercing her behind her eyelids. “Angel, this is going to sound really bad, and Spike just died saving us all. I don’t know if I should tell you.”

Angel placed his hands on her shoulders. “Buffy, I know that in the end Spike redeemed himself. He did change. You were right about that, and they should have listened to you. But I need to know what happened.”

“Why, why do you need to know?” she pleaded with him.

Angel knew that Giles had awakened. He had seen his reflection in the window, and he thought Giles needed to hear. It would begin the healing for both of them. Angel just hoped this plan would bring the Watcher and Slayer closer together, and not farther apart.

Buffy looked into his caring face, and decided it would be good for her to lift the burden of it somewhat. “I finally had figured out that I was using Spike. I didn’t love him, that is for sure. It had been abusive, and not right….and not on his part, but on mine. I was just using him to make me feel, and I was missing Giles, and…well, I told Spike it was over, and to leave me alone. And he knew I meant it.”

Buffy turned to fully face the window, turning her back on the bed, and on Angel. She couldn’t tell him if she had to look at him.

“Then I got hurt in a fight. Not real bad, but I was pretty sore. Warren had bested me, and gotten away.”

“This was before he shot you and Tara?” Angel asked.

“Yes, right before. I went home to take a bath, and while I was running the water, Spike came over. He wouldn’t leave. He tried to…he just didn’t understand that I meant it was over, so he tried to…”

Angel had no idea it was this bad. “Oh, God, Buffy, did he???” Angel was seething with anger. If Spike wasn’t dead already, he would have staked him himself!

Buffy still would not turn around. She placed both of her hands on the window pane, pressing her palms into the glass. “He tried, yes, but he didn’t succeed. It was after that when he left to get his soul. I think he thought it would change my feelings for him, make me love him. But I loved Giles, and nothing would change that. Angel, your life with me, was always about you. You tried to seek redemption, and all that. I mean, I know you loved me in your way, but leaving me truly showed your love. That’s when it became about me and us instead of just about you. And with Riley, well, it was always about himself, feeling better about himself. With Spike, it was about me feeling anything period. But with Giles, it is all different. His whole life was about me. I think now that we’ve talked, it was good that he left. He needed to do that for himself. And now that he came back, and we defeated the First, I was hoping to mend things with him, make it all better between us. I finally thought that now the time was right for us to finally be together.”

Buffy turned from the window and she was crying again. “And now I went and messed it all up again. I hurt him again, and this time it’s bad. How come I keep hurting the man I love so much?”

TBC