So Damn Domestic

The Same Day. FPOV


I told B I was gonna go talk to Mattie, and I am, but there’s somethin I gotta do first. Even with me there for her, going through this with her she’s gonna feel alone. This is just a really big battle and she always tries to fight the big ones alone unless she has to accept some help. But I can’t make her let me in. I can’t force her to open up to me. And I think the more people who are here to help the better. Besides, they’re family, you’re supposed to tell your family when one of your own is sick. So I walk to the pay phones in the lobby and dig out some change. I put in the three quarters and dial the number. It rings five times before someone finally picks up. A receptionist? Since when does he have a receptionist?


“Hi, uh, I need to talk with Rupert Giles, it’s an emergency.” She asks what the emergency is and I can’t help the growl that crawls out of my throat. “It’s none of your damn business, now put him on the phone before I fly out there and shove the phone up your ass.” I can’t help it. With everything that’s going on I don’t know how much more I can take. But it worked because I’m being patched through right now.


“Hello, this is Rupert Giles,” he sounds irritated. But his voice, no matter what the tone, sounds good right now. I guess over the years he’s become like a dad to me. I sigh and shift my weight from foot to foot.


“Giles, it’s Faith.” I can almost feel him tense up at the sound of my voice. I do sound pretty grim. I guess he thinks somethin bad happened to Buffy. “Listen, I can’t really explain everything right now, but I need you to call Red and Xander and Dawnie and have ‘em come out here. Something’s wrong with Addy and B could really use you guys right now.” I hear him suck in a breath and if I weren’t a slayer I probably still would’ve heard it.


“How serious is it?” That’s a really good question. The doctor told me I don’t have nothin to worry about, that everything is gonna be fine, but at the same time he was saying he won’t know the exact ‘extent of the damage’ until they’ve cut her open. So this little black dot on a screen could turn out to be murderous.


“I’m not sure. The doctor isn’t willing to say. It’s a tumor, in her brain. It’s, um…pressing against the nerve to her eye or somethin and they have to go in a take it out. Look, I gotta go talk to Matthew, just get everyone here, ok?” I can feel the tears trying to build but I blink ‘em back.


“Yes, of course. We’ll all be there as soon as possible. What hospital are you at?” I give him the name and I hear him scribbling it down on a piece of paper. “I’ll see you when we arrive. Tell Buffy…” he trails off but I know what he wants to say. He wants me to tell her that everything’s gonna be fine. That he’s gonna be here for her, and he won’t leave until she’s absolutely sure she can stand on her own two feet without him.


“Yeah, I will.” I hang up the phone and stand there for a few minutes trying as hard as I can not to cry. I can’t cry yet. I have to hold it in. If my boy sees that I’ve been crying then he’ll just get freaked. And if I cry in front of him then he’ll panic. At least I think he will. He knows that I’m not a crier like Buffy can be, so if I cry in front of him then he’ll know just how bad this really is and I don’t want him knowin that. I want him to believe that everything is going to be ok even though I don’t fully believe it myself.


I leave the hospital and get in B’s car and make my way back to Lincoln. There’s a lot of traffic out now that people are getting off work but it doesn’t take me too long to get back home. I park in the driveway, shut off the engine and just stare at my hands on the steering wheel. I don’t know if I can do this. I told B I’d do it because she looked like she’d rather die then leave Addy’s side. With everything that happened with her mom I don’t think B’s gonna be leaving that hospital until Addy’s ok. I sigh and get out of the car. I walk into the house and slowly shut the door. Why am I being so quiet? I don’t know but it seems normal. I walk into the living room and see Emma sitting on the couch, watching T.V. with Tucker laying at her feet, and I hear Mattie and his friends in the kitchen.


“Hey,” I say and Emma jumps a little. She gets up and notices the look on my face. Is it that obvious that something’s wrong? She asks me about it but I change the subject, tell her thanks for watching my boy and pay her and she leaves pretty quick. It was getting pretty tense in here. I walk into the kitchen and see Mattie sitting at the table with all of his friends and there’s a large pizza at the center of the table and most of it’s gone. He looks so…carefree? I don’t know the word for it but I really don’t want to ruin it. I am Faith, the bearer of bad news. “Hey guys, why don’t you run on home.” They all turn and look at me and just stare at me like I’m some kinda freak. “Go home, Mattie can’t play anymore.” They all get up and leave. Not from my words exactly but by my tone. I never thought I’d ever talk to a little kid like that before, let alone a group of ‘em.


“Mama, what’s wrong?” he asks and gets up. I scratch at the back of my neck and he knows it’s serious. Damn nervous habit. I motion for him to follow me and we go into the living room and I sit down on the couch. He sits down too but farther away from me then I’d like. But I’m not gonna stress about it. “Where’s Mom and Addison?” He looks a little freaked out now. I sigh and run a hand through my hair. And now he looks like he’s going to panic. Why do I have so many nervous habits?


“They’re fine, they’re still at the doctor’s.” He doesn’t believe that they’re fine. I can tell by the worried look on his face. “Look, remember how Addy’s eye was bothering her?” He nods his head. “Well, there’s a little tumor inside her brain and it’s messing up her eye.” He looks away from he and his neck is turning really red. I reach out and rub his back. His muscles are really tight ‘cause he’s so damn tense. He looks up at me with a blank stare and a chill just ran down my spine.


“Is she gonna die?” What? Wow did I really explain this wrong. I scoot closer to him and drape my arm across his shoulders.


“No, she’s gonna be fine. The doctors are going to take the tumor out and she’s gonna be fine.” Again with the whole not fully believing me thing. Maybe I’m doing this all wrong. God I wish B was here, she’s so much better at the talking thing then me. Being there when he’s sick, playing with him, understanding some of his childish ways I got all that covered. Talking to him about really important stuff that’s more B’s area, always has been always will be. “Do you wanna see her?” He nods his head yes and goes to get up but stops.


“What about Tucker? Whose gonna stay with him?” I look down at my dog and he looks so sad. I guess he can feel all he tension and shit ‘cause animals are good at that kinda thing. I reach out and stroke the top of my dog’s head. He’s always had really soft fur. Probably ‘cause whenever I give him a bath I use ‘people shampoo’ and not the shit they sell for dogs ‘cause it smells really bad. I think I got the only dog in the world that smells like Pantene Pro-V.


“We’re not gonna be there all night. We’ll just go visit for a while, ok?” He looks pissed but he doesn’t say anything. I stand up and grab my keys off the little end table by the door. “Come on, we gotta get going.” I’m starting to worry about B now. All this stress, it’s not good for her or the baby. Something could happen and I need to get there to make sure it doesn’t. I guess Mattie hears the urgency in my voice ‘cause he gets up and gives Tucker one last pat on the head and walks out the door. The drive back to the hospital is silent and it’s taking longer then I want it too, but there’s so much traffic. Fuckin people trying to get home from work. Have you heard of overtime, you assholes?


An hour later we finally pull up in the parking lot. The elevator ride up is almost silent, except for the annoying music. I put my hand on my boy’s shoulders and pull him a little closer to me, so he’s pressed up against me. I just…I need to feel someone right now. This is too much. That and I want him to know he’s not alone. He reaches up and holds onto my hand. He hasn’t held onto my hand in a long time and I can’t help but crack a little smile. I lead him to the room and I can’t help but feel some panic start to rise when I see Dr. Simmons arguing with Buffy. He’s trying to get her to sit down in a wheelchair and she’s refusing.


“Miss, you really need to be examined. Now please just cooperate.” He reaches out to touch her shoulder but she pushes his hand away. I give Mattie’s shoulder a gentle squeeze and he gets my meaning: stay out of the way or you might get hurt. I walk into the room and clear my throat to get their attention.


“What’s going on here?” I ask and hold my arms across my chest. B looks a little scared, not just because of what’s going on but because she knows I’ll make get examined. Not my physical force or anything but I can deal out a guilt trip like nobody’s business. The doctor looks at me and then at Buffy and back at me. I try not to roll my eyes. I know what the problem is. They’re not allowed to release medical information to anyone outside the family unless the patient consents to it. And Buffy hasn’t said a word. But, I have a little weapon up my sleeve. “We have a power of attorney, now what the hell is going on?” He sighs in frustration and looks over at B again then back to me.


“She’s been through a lot of stress because of what’s happening with your daughter.” Understandable. “And a few minutes ago she winced in pain and grabbed at her stomach. The stress could be effecting the fetus and we won’t know until she’s examined and she’s not cooperating.” B looks at me with a little guilt and then glares at the doctor.


“Because I’m fine. I don’t need to be examined, I need to be with my daughter.” She’s getting angry and it’s upsetting the kids. I walk up to her and gently rub her back and she tenses for a second but then relaxes. “Faith, I’m fine, really. The baby’s ok, I’m ok. Everything’s gonna be ok.” The problem with that sentence is she sounds like she’s trying to convince herself more then she’s trying to convince me. And trust me I’m not convinced.


“Baby, let’s talk outside.” I look over at Mattie and nod my head towards Addy and he stands by the bed. She gets all excited now that she’s finally noticed him and gives him a big hug and a smile. He hugs her back for longer then he normally does at home. I turn back to the doctor. “Keep an eye on him?” He just nods his head. I take B by the hand and we walk outside the room and I shut the door. I let go of her hand and stand about two feet away from her. She’s looking down at her feet and pickin at her cuticles. “What the fuck?” She looks up at me and then back down. “Do you wanna kill our baby?” She looks up at me like I just slapped her or something and she puts her hands protectively over her stomach.


“No! God, how could you ask me something like that?” And she regrets it as soon as she says it. ‘Cause I’m gonna tell her why and it’s probably gonna make her feel bad about herself, but she’ll get the exam and we’ll find out what’s going on.


“Because you felt some pain, which means there’s something wrong, and you won’t let the fucking doctor get it checked out. There could be something really wrong, Buffy.” Use of her full name, she knows I’m dead serious. “And you’re just fuckin standing there fighting him off.” I sigh and run my hands through my hair. I slowly walk over to her and put one of my hands over hers, they’re still resting on her stomach. I lean forward and rest my forehead against hers. This contact is more for me then it is her. I really need to feel her right now.


“Look, I know you’re worried about Addy, we all are, but you can’t ignore this baby….” I gently squeeze my hand. “I know you don’t wanna leave Addy’s side but the only way we’re gonna find out if there’s something wrong with junior here is if you do.” I really wish I knew the sex of the baby, but it’s not developed enough for us to know. I bring my other hand up and gently caress her cheek. “Please, B, we’ve got enough problems as it is, please. I don’t know if I’d be able to stay strong and go on if we lose this one.” I gently force my hand in between hers and softly rub her stomach. She sighs and lifts her head away from mine but she doesn’t step back.


“Fine,” she says, sounding irritated. “But I’m not going to be happy about it.” I try not to smile. She just has to be difficult about everything, doesn’t she? I give her a soft kisses and it quickly turns into something more. I didn’t mean for this to happen but with everything that’s going on…I need it, and I need it bad. But someone behind her coughs and we break apart, a thin trail of spit sticks to our bottom lips for a few seconds until it breaks and lands on my chin. B sighs and walks passed the doctor and plops herself down in the wheelchair. She’s acting like a spoiled two year old, and if there weren’t so much bad stuff going on I’d probably laugh.


“Well are you going to give me that exam or not?” she snaps at the doctor and he quickly runs around the back of the chair and wheels her out of the room. “Wait,” she says before he passes me. I’m about to send her on another little trip but she grabs my wrist and pulls me to her. She kisses me for a whole minute it seems like and then pulls away and cups my cheek with one of her hands. “Stay with her ok? I’ll be fine, just don’t leave Addison, ok?” I nod my head yes and give her one last kiss and the doctor wheels her away. I stand there and watch as they disappear down the hall. I look down when I feel someone gently grab my hand and I look down.


“Mommy’s ok.” Addison says. Little shit snuck out of her bed and pulled the I.V. with her. Takes after me I guess. I did the same thing when I was in labor with her. I smile at her and pick her up and give her a big kiss on the cheek and nuzzle her neck.


“Yeah she is. She’s gonna be ok.” I take her back into the room and see Mattie sitting in the plastic chair and he’s rubbing his cheek. What the hell? “You ok?” I ask and he nods his head yes. Addy giggles a little. This little evil giggle that she does and it freaks me out every time. Reminds me of every horror movie I’ve seen that involves evil little kids.


“He wouldn’t let me get off the bed so I smacked him good.” I roll my eyes and set her down on the bed. She looks at him and see how upset he is and she gets all concerned. She jumps off the bed even though I try to grab her, she’s a fast little shit, and jumps into Mattie’s lap and wraps her arms around his neck. “I’m sorry, Brother. I didn’t mean it.” He wraps his arms around her and gently rubs her back.


“It’s ok, it doesn’t hurt,” he tells her and she leans back a little and gives him a little kiss on his cheek. She leans against him again and they just sit there together, in silence and as much as I want to enjoy the moment and sweetness of it all, I can’t help but feel a little selfish. ‘Cause they have each other, and B has me and the scoobs, but I don’t have anyone. Then I remember: yeah I do. I just forgot ‘cause of all this craziness.