Hold Me Thrill Me Kiss Me Kill Me

“And after Will saved me from getting my ass kicked, well, we just started hanging out. And he started teaching me, well, stuff and we got to know each other and we kind of got together. Cordy saw us hanging out together one night at the Bronze, back before you came back from vacation, Wills, so that’s how she knows. Well, it took her a while to connect the dots. She didn’t tell because I asked her not to. I mean, you and Buffy were having such a hard time dealing with me being gay, the fact that I had a boyfriend would have sent you into orbit, you know?”

Xander didn’t think he’d ever thought so fast or babbled so fast in his entire life. If he pulled this one off without getting the Willow pout he was going to treat himself to a giant double cheese and pepperoni pizza. He’d searched through every memory of what he’d told Giles, the edited version of meeting Spike and getting to know him. He added a few details and left some out, just enough so that Giles wouldn’t think he had it memorized.

God, he hoped he hadn’t forgotten anything or fucked it up. He so didn’t need to be on the wrong end of a Giles lecture right now.

“Okay, I get all that but he doesn’t sound that bad. You said he wasn’t nice and, well, saving you from getting your ass kicked is a good thing, not a bad thing.” Willow still didn’t look like she was believing his story but at least he’d gotten the odd look out of Giles’ eyes. At least he hoped he had.

Cordelia was just bored. If she fussed with her nails anymore they’d be razor sharp. Maybe that was the point of it.

“Okay, he saved me to sort of even up where I saved him from spending a night unconscious out in the open on the Hellmouth. And yeah, he knows what kind of town this is. It was a debt of honor sort of thing. It was after that we got to talking and became friends. And no, he’s not that nice. I mean, he is to me, but if he doesn’t know you it’s a different story. It’s…complicated.”

“Can we stop with the Dating Game now? I’m bored. It’s bad enough I had some sort of squid thing connected to my back but it tore up my back pack and now I have to listen to the story of Xander’s love life, which, despite the fact that he’s got a boyfriend, is still boring. And we’re still in the Library and everyone else has gone home. Clue, much?”

Willow stuck her bottom lip out and Xander just wanted to pull his hair out and scream. “But I don’t know much about this guy yet…”

“Well, I don’t know that much about Oz, but you don’t see me giving you the third degree!”

Willow looked hurt but he knew he had a valid point. He knew that Willow had been flirting, or talking, or whatever pre-dating ritual girls did with boys like Oz. He hadn’t said much because he knew Oz was basically an okay guy and he figured Willow deserved some privacy. Evidently she didn’t think he deserved it, though.

“But…”


“Now, now, Miss Rosenberg. It doesn’t become a young lady to be a Miss Nosey Parker. I’m sure that when Mr. Harris feels comfortable he’ll tell you more about his paramour. Until then, you’ll just have to be patient with the lad. Besides, I get the feeling that Mr. Harris knows exactly what he’s getting into.”

The voice came from behind them and, while he jumped just as much as the others, he couldn’t help but notice Willow’s eyes get big and fearful while Giles had a totally un-stuffy smile on his face. It made the man look ten years younger and he knew then that Giles was happy with his current…arrangement.

“Ethan! I was just about to shoo the children off and come home.”

“You could have called, at the very least, Ripper. I was getting worried even before I heard about a “gas leak” at the school. When you hadn’t come home I knew that you and your children were in the middle of trouble, as always, and thought I’d drop by.”

Ethan walked closer to Giles and Xander turned around to give them some privacy. He tugged on Willow’s arm to make her do the same but Cordelia blatantly stared. He just rolled his eyes and grinned. Given her attitude about sex and relationships, he figured she had her own collection of porno and some sort of device requiring batteries and waterproofing hidden from the maid at home. She had certainly known more than just a bit about blow jobs when they’d been gossiping in class the other day, just to make Buffy’s hair curl.

“Ahem. Yes, Xander, you may turn around now, thank you. Cordelia, do you really find watching two older men kissing that fascinating?” As her mouth opened, Giles put up his hand. “Never mind, I get the distinct feeling I don’t want to know the answer.”

Cordy gave one of her blinding grins. “Suit yourself. I’m going home; it’s bad enough that Xander had to hit me but I’m late starting my nightly beauty regimen. I bet I have icky marks on my back where that…thing attached itself.”

She gathered her purse and her books and Xander gave her arm a squeeze. “Need a ride home, Cor?”

“No, I’ve got my car, thanks.” She leaned closer. “Sorry about that earlier, Xander. And if you tell anyone I said that I’ll break something important, okay?”

He held up his hands. “Hey, we’re good, no need to get violent. God.”

In the next few minutes everyone started to go their separate ways. Willow was meeting Oz so she would get home safely and Cordelia had her car. In a way Xander wished that it wasn’t a school night and he could invite Willow home with him. It was lonely and sort of creepy being in the house alone. It hadn’t bothered him when Spike was gone before but this time was different, somehow.

Then again, he didn’t think he could stand up to Willow’s questioning all night long. He was only human; a few hours of the Willowpout and he’d break.

Giles went to close the door to the library behind the stacks and for the first time Xander was left alone with Ethan. He supposed he could get why Willow was so scared, and maybe even Cordy. They had sure left quickly. Ethan had one of those faces that looked like he was smirking all the time. It was almost like he knew some big secret and enjoyed watching everyone scramble around him, like little ants.

Xander swallowed. “You know, don’t you?”

“In the circles I…travel in, certain things become known. Don’t fret, Mr. Harris. Or may I call you Xander?” He didn’t even wait for a reply, not that Xander cared. “Don’t worry, I won’t tell your little secret. It will come out eventually, though. You do realize that, don’t you?”

Xander nodded. “Yeah, I just…don’t want Giles to have a heart attack, or Buffy to have a sharp object anywhere near when they find out.”

“I have noticed how Miss Summers is the hit first and ask questions later type of girl. I’ll work on, heh, softening Giles up for you. After all, I do believe I owe you a considerable debt.”

Okay, eww for the sex jokes about his father figure. Xander shook his head and then grinned. Ethan seemed to be just as bad as Spike, loving to say the worst thing at entirely the worst time and just watching what happened.

Giles came back before he could really say anything but Ethan gave a wicked wink and Xander grinned and bounced on his toes. It felt kinda good, that someone else knew about him and Spike and didn’t object or freak out or say that Xander was insane or that Spike was using him.

He said his goodnights and went his separate way, but looked back to see Giles and Ethan walking arm in arm to Giles’s Librarianmobile. They didn’t look like a couple that everyone in the world would accept; two middle aged men. But to him they looked good.

Like they were in love.

Xander turned and went to the rental car that Spike had arranged for him so he wouldn’t be without transportation on the Hellmouth while his lover was gone. He wondered if that was what other people would see if they were watching him and Spike.

*****

Xander struggled to keep his eyes open while doing his latest research lesson with Giles. Normally he loved this sort of stuff, even more than regular schoolwork. For one, it was more practical. Living on the Hellmouth, it was a good idea to know what demons were trying to kill you and how to kill them first. Plus Spike’s love of just going out and killing things had, heh, rubbed off on him a little, as long as it was demons and minions.

Today, though, he was tired. More than tired. It felt like he had sand in his eyes and they were too dry. He’d go home and sleep but being home without Spike was just…bad. And he knew he’d been having weird dreams. He didn’t really remember much, just the feeling of loneliness, big dark eyes and fire.

Maybe he’d figure out a way to get Giles to ask him over again. Sleeping on the couch while Giles and Ethan did the naughty in Giles’s room wouldn’t be too bad, would it?

He looked over at Buffy and Willow. They were giggling or gossiping or whatever girly thing they did. Every once in a while he’d hear the name Angel or Oz and he figured they were comparing boyfriends. He couldn’t help but wonder if he was being left out because he was a guy or because he hadn’t 'fessed up too much about his boyfriend yet. Either way, it was kind of…annoying. He would have thought that being gay meant he would get to learn the girl secret handshake and stuff but that just wasn’t happening.

He sighed and rubbed his eyes. When Spike first took off, two weeks before, about every other night he’d get a short phone call. Nothing much, just enough to let him know that Spike wasn’t dust. But he hadn’t heard anything in four days, and he was starting to get worried. If Spike was out hunting whoever the new Big Bad was, well, it was scary to think that anything could be bigger or badder than Spike. If badder was even a word.

“Hey, G-man! Is badder a word?”

“What? Xander…”

“Never mind. I think my brain left town a little while ago. I’m not all here. Think I’ll go get some water or something.”

Giles threw a slightly annoyed glance at the girls. “Yes, perhaps it’s time for all of us to take a break, and afterwards Buffy can start her patrol. I must confess, I’m slightly worried about the unusual inactivity lately.”

Xander laughed. “Yeah, it’s been quiet. Too quiet.” He grinned at Giles’s pained expression. “What? I’ve always wanted to say that!”

“Just…go!” Giles’s muttering about impudent children was belied by the somewhat amused look on his face and Xander quickly made his way to the bathroom. Hopefully, some cold water on his face would wake him up.

The entire time, his brain was in about six different places at once. He was worried that Spike was dead, or that Spike had left him. Then there was the worry about the damn dreams. Add that to the fact that he still hadn’t figured out what to get for Buffy’s birthday and the big day was just three days away.

“Well, look here. If it isn’t the little faggot.”

Xander looked up from washing his face to see Kevin reflected in the mirror above the sink. Kevin had always been second string for Larry in everything; football, basketball, bullying. He was well over six feet, despite being seventeen years old, and had dirty blonde hair and green eyes. Xander had always thought Kevin would make a good poster boy for steroid abuse.

Guess he was going to find out about steroid rage first hand. Goody.

“Look, is there any way we can avoid the whole gay bashing thing? Because, really, hazing is so last year’s hate crime.”

“Like sucking cock, do you, pretty boy?”

“Okay, I’m not touching you with a ten foot Hoover attachment so you might as well get that thought out of your mind right now. And why is it straight males always try to intimidate gays by using sex? Jealous that I’ve found a use for my prostate, maybe?”

It didn’t really occur to Xander to be scared for his life. Yes, Kevin was twice as big as he was and just six months ago he’d been getting his ass kicked on a regular basis by just about anyone.

Then came Spike and Spike’s training and Xander was well prepared when Kevin’s look of confusion turned to rage and the other boy charged. He threw a roundhouse punch at Xander and he easily ducked it. He turned and hit Kevin twice in the kidneys and the boy went down hard, hitting his head on the edge of the sink on the way. Blood trickled down from a cut on his forehead and he was making grunting noises that vaguely reminded Xander of the pig his hyena pack had snacked on.

He grabbed Kevin by the hair and pulled his head up. “I don’t think you’ll want to complain to Snyder about this, Kev. After all, it wouldn’t do your reputation any good if the guys found out you got your ass kicked by a fairy.”

As he left the bathroom, he knew he should feel something. Remorse, guilt maybe. Instead, all Xander felt was a sort of wistfulness.

It was too bad Spike wasn’t around to enjoy his first bathroom beat down.

*****