An Englishman in New York
folder
BtVS AU/AR › Het - Male/Female › Buffy/Spike(William)
Rating:
Adult ++
Chapters:
34
Views:
6,107
Reviews:
76
Recommended:
0
Currently Reading:
0
Category:
BtVS AU/AR › Het - Male/Female › Buffy/Spike(William)
Rating:
Adult ++
Chapters:
34
Views:
6,107
Reviews:
76
Recommended:
0
Currently Reading:
0
Disclaimer:
I do not own Buffy the Vampire Slayer (BtVS), nor any of the characters from it. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.
Dear Diary
Dear Diary
January 13
Spike’s been gone for almost a week, and I still haven’t gotten used to sleeping in this stupid room alone. I never realized how big it was until I came home to it alone that first night. I ended up sleeping in a t-shirt he accidentally left under the bed and cried myself to sleep. I can’t breathe; I feel like I can’t breathe.
Maybe what I did was stupid. I know my timing wasn’t the best. The more I think about it, the more I think it was a very stupid idea to sleep with him when I did. I mean, he didn’t even have a choice in the matter; I just kind of threw him against the wall and had my wicked way with him.
Oh, God! What if he thinks I did it just so we’d stop fighting?! I never thought of that! Oh shit. I want to get on the next flight out and drag him back here kicking and screaming. Giles could come, too. Was it something I did? Why am I never enough?
He left his dagger here with me. I know it’s because of the whole security issue at the airport, but sitting here looking at it… It’s like a bad omen. He’s not coming back, and that stupid knife is sitting there on the nightstand waiting for him. If I close my eyes, I can pretend that he’ll come back, but he won’t. They never do.
February 5
I turned nineteen today. Willow and the gang threw me a little party, and Mom and Dawn sent presents, but I didn’t even get a phone call or a card from Spike. He’s really gone, as in gone for good. Riley couldn’t understand why I was so broken up about not hearing from my ex-roommate – I guess I did a better job of hiding how much Spike means to me than I thought. Or maybe Riley’s as dumb as he always said. Captain Cardboard is right.
Oh, he’s plenty smart when it comes to things like psychology, but for as much as he knows about synapses and dendrites, he knows jack shit about the human condition. Spike knows that stuff. He can just look at someone and see them for who and what they are, the good and the bad. I miss that about him.
April 18
I’ve been hanging out with Faith a lot lately, acting out, as Riley calls it. We went to a club and danced with some guys, and I almost ended up taking one of them home. Riley was furious with me when he showed up to see me doing the bump-and-grind with someone he’d never seen before. It didn’t help matters that the guy was a platinum blonde – in all fairness, his was natural – and that he was wearing black leather. Oops.
I can’t believe we’re still together, but I’ve never been much good at being alone. It’s all so weird now. The things I used to like about him annoy me now. He’s so passive and soft-spoken. And he has a funny nose. I’m not one to talk about weird noses, but his is just… It’s so weird! I even miss Spike’s big English nose, how’s that for sad?
And I miss his hair. It’s so cute when he doesn’t gel it and just lets it curl naturally. I don’t like it that Riley’s hair is so limp and straight, and it’s the dumbest color I’ve ever seen, too. I’ve noticed that I pick on little, inconsequential things about him the way Spike always did. I’ve got to stop this.
He’s not coming back.
May 20
Riley left me tonight. Faith went out for booze late last night and saw him with a hooker, so she came to get me, and when we found them, this whore was giving him a blow job in an alleyway.
Riley. Was. Getting. A. Blowjob.
I tried to go down on him like three times, and he was always like, “No, that’s degrading to women.” It’s not degrading if the woman wants to do it, idiot! I have to be angry now or I’ll cry. Again.
Spike let me do what I wanted with him. I miss how he trusted me so much with his body.
Obviously, whatever I gave him wasn’t enough if he had to go to a hooker, but he never let me do anything! He never wanted to experiment; he always acted like it was dirty and wrong to want something other than straight missionary sex. I think I’ve been on top a total of five times.
After I confronted him about the hooker, he gave me an ultimatum. He said that I could either forgive him and try to love him or that he would end things. After what he did, he expected me to love him. I had a talk with Xander and I was going to try, but when I went to his dorm room, I found all these pamphlets about the army, and he told me that he’d joined.
After his big speech about how I had to choose between loving him and my “commitment issues,” he was planning on leaving anyway, so I let him. I didn’t try to stop him. I just kissed his cheek and told him I wished him the best.
Why does it have to hurt so much?
June 4
School’s out for summer. I’ve gone home to LA with Willow and Tara, but Xander, Anya, and Oz stayed in New York to do stuff with the band. Willow and Oz aren’t really officially together anymore, but they parted as friends, and they’ll always love each other. She just loves Tara more. I don’t know what I would have done without them.
It was really good to see Mom and Dawn again, and I’d forgotten how much I love my old room. It’s just given me a case of the major wiggins to have all my stuff back here with some of Spike’s notebooks and t-shirts. I keep going down to the basement, half-expecting it to still be Christmas break and see him sitting there smoking and playing his guitar.
His guitar’s still down there, too. After break, he took the one Mom gave him back to New York instead, and that’s the one he took to England. If I could play, I would, but since I can’t, I haven’t even moved it. It doesn’t feel right to touch it. It’s almost like he’s dead and the guitar is a shrine or something.
Mom called London earlier to check on them and talked to Giles for a bit. She asked if I wanted her to tell Giles to let me talk to Spike, but I couldn’t do it. I don’t know what I would have said, anyway.
I love you. I miss you. Why didn’t you believe me?
Hey, why didn’t he believe me?! That pig! I told him that I loved him and he was just like, “No, you don’t, but thanks for saying it.” Thanks for saying it?! Damn him! I can’t fucking believe he didn’t take me seriously! After what happened with Angel, which he knows about, it’s not easy for me to tell someone I love them, but I did it for him! Gah!
September 1
Mom’s sick. She has a brain tumor. It hurts so much that I can’t even speak. I spent the night on the back porch just sitting there. I wish Spike were here. He’d know how to make it better, and I wouldn’t have to pretend to be strong with him. I have to be strong for Dawn.
I left school to help out with Dawn, and Willow and Tara surprised me by requesting a transfer to UCLA so they could be close to us. It's making me really nervous, and I wonder if one of them used a spell to convince administration here to let them transfer so late. What if they're here because they know something's going to happen?
Tomorrow we’re going back to the hospital while she has surgery and tests and all that fun stuff. Willow and Tara are going with me, and Xander and Anya are going to be there as soon as their plane lands.
Why does life always hurt so much?
January 13
Spike’s been gone for almost a week, and I still haven’t gotten used to sleeping in this stupid room alone. I never realized how big it was until I came home to it alone that first night. I ended up sleeping in a t-shirt he accidentally left under the bed and cried myself to sleep. I can’t breathe; I feel like I can’t breathe.
Maybe what I did was stupid. I know my timing wasn’t the best. The more I think about it, the more I think it was a very stupid idea to sleep with him when I did. I mean, he didn’t even have a choice in the matter; I just kind of threw him against the wall and had my wicked way with him.
Oh, God! What if he thinks I did it just so we’d stop fighting?! I never thought of that! Oh shit. I want to get on the next flight out and drag him back here kicking and screaming. Giles could come, too. Was it something I did? Why am I never enough?
He left his dagger here with me. I know it’s because of the whole security issue at the airport, but sitting here looking at it… It’s like a bad omen. He’s not coming back, and that stupid knife is sitting there on the nightstand waiting for him. If I close my eyes, I can pretend that he’ll come back, but he won’t. They never do.
February 5
I turned nineteen today. Willow and the gang threw me a little party, and Mom and Dawn sent presents, but I didn’t even get a phone call or a card from Spike. He’s really gone, as in gone for good. Riley couldn’t understand why I was so broken up about not hearing from my ex-roommate – I guess I did a better job of hiding how much Spike means to me than I thought. Or maybe Riley’s as dumb as he always said. Captain Cardboard is right.
Oh, he’s plenty smart when it comes to things like psychology, but for as much as he knows about synapses and dendrites, he knows jack shit about the human condition. Spike knows that stuff. He can just look at someone and see them for who and what they are, the good and the bad. I miss that about him.
April 18
I’ve been hanging out with Faith a lot lately, acting out, as Riley calls it. We went to a club and danced with some guys, and I almost ended up taking one of them home. Riley was furious with me when he showed up to see me doing the bump-and-grind with someone he’d never seen before. It didn’t help matters that the guy was a platinum blonde – in all fairness, his was natural – and that he was wearing black leather. Oops.
I can’t believe we’re still together, but I’ve never been much good at being alone. It’s all so weird now. The things I used to like about him annoy me now. He’s so passive and soft-spoken. And he has a funny nose. I’m not one to talk about weird noses, but his is just… It’s so weird! I even miss Spike’s big English nose, how’s that for sad?
And I miss his hair. It’s so cute when he doesn’t gel it and just lets it curl naturally. I don’t like it that Riley’s hair is so limp and straight, and it’s the dumbest color I’ve ever seen, too. I’ve noticed that I pick on little, inconsequential things about him the way Spike always did. I’ve got to stop this.
He’s not coming back.
May 20
Riley left me tonight. Faith went out for booze late last night and saw him with a hooker, so she came to get me, and when we found them, this whore was giving him a blow job in an alleyway.
Riley. Was. Getting. A. Blowjob.
I tried to go down on him like three times, and he was always like, “No, that’s degrading to women.” It’s not degrading if the woman wants to do it, idiot! I have to be angry now or I’ll cry. Again.
Spike let me do what I wanted with him. I miss how he trusted me so much with his body.
Obviously, whatever I gave him wasn’t enough if he had to go to a hooker, but he never let me do anything! He never wanted to experiment; he always acted like it was dirty and wrong to want something other than straight missionary sex. I think I’ve been on top a total of five times.
After I confronted him about the hooker, he gave me an ultimatum. He said that I could either forgive him and try to love him or that he would end things. After what he did, he expected me to love him. I had a talk with Xander and I was going to try, but when I went to his dorm room, I found all these pamphlets about the army, and he told me that he’d joined.
After his big speech about how I had to choose between loving him and my “commitment issues,” he was planning on leaving anyway, so I let him. I didn’t try to stop him. I just kissed his cheek and told him I wished him the best.
Why does it have to hurt so much?
June 4
School’s out for summer. I’ve gone home to LA with Willow and Tara, but Xander, Anya, and Oz stayed in New York to do stuff with the band. Willow and Oz aren’t really officially together anymore, but they parted as friends, and they’ll always love each other. She just loves Tara more. I don’t know what I would have done without them.
It was really good to see Mom and Dawn again, and I’d forgotten how much I love my old room. It’s just given me a case of the major wiggins to have all my stuff back here with some of Spike’s notebooks and t-shirts. I keep going down to the basement, half-expecting it to still be Christmas break and see him sitting there smoking and playing his guitar.
His guitar’s still down there, too. After break, he took the one Mom gave him back to New York instead, and that’s the one he took to England. If I could play, I would, but since I can’t, I haven’t even moved it. It doesn’t feel right to touch it. It’s almost like he’s dead and the guitar is a shrine or something.
Mom called London earlier to check on them and talked to Giles for a bit. She asked if I wanted her to tell Giles to let me talk to Spike, but I couldn’t do it. I don’t know what I would have said, anyway.
I love you. I miss you. Why didn’t you believe me?
Hey, why didn’t he believe me?! That pig! I told him that I loved him and he was just like, “No, you don’t, but thanks for saying it.” Thanks for saying it?! Damn him! I can’t fucking believe he didn’t take me seriously! After what happened with Angel, which he knows about, it’s not easy for me to tell someone I love them, but I did it for him! Gah!
September 1
Mom’s sick. She has a brain tumor. It hurts so much that I can’t even speak. I spent the night on the back porch just sitting there. I wish Spike were here. He’d know how to make it better, and I wouldn’t have to pretend to be strong with him. I have to be strong for Dawn.
I left school to help out with Dawn, and Willow and Tara surprised me by requesting a transfer to UCLA so they could be close to us. It's making me really nervous, and I wonder if one of them used a spell to convince administration here to let them transfer so late. What if they're here because they know something's going to happen?
Tomorrow we’re going back to the hospital while she has surgery and tests and all that fun stuff. Willow and Tara are going with me, and Xander and Anya are going to be there as soon as their plane lands.
Why does life always hurt so much?