Choices

Chapter Twenty-Seven

"It started with Dru."

Buffy stopped her trudge through the cemetery and looked over her shoulder to see Spike perched on a gravestone. She looked around them, trying to gauge if he was really talking to her.

"I'm talking to you," he told her.

She turned to face him, her hands on her hips. She looked tired; it worried him.

"You shouldn't be patrolling when you're tired."

"Yes, boss."

He winced at that and jumped down from the stone. "I need to tell you a few things."

"A lot of that going around these days. Not sure I'm in the mood to talk right now, Spike. It's been a rough day."

"Didn't say we needed to talk. Said I needed to tell you a few things."

She pursed her lips together and dropped her arms to her sides. "Fine. Talk. I have to warn you though that if this another session of 'Tell Buffy What She Did Wrong' speech, I'm going to have to walk away."

Spike shook his head and dug his hands in his pockets. "Not about that."

"All right then, I'm listening."

Sighing, he paced in front of her for a bit before stopping just a few feet from her to gaze at her. "It started with Dru."

"So you said. What started with Dru?"

"The competitiveness with Angel, the fighting over a girl with him."

"I know the gist of the story Spike, she was Angel's childe, she made you, you were lovers, you and Angel were competitive and it just sort of stuck."

"That's the gist of it, yes, but some of the details have been omitted. Knives cut a little deeper into that surface."

"Explain it to me then," she crossed her arms across her chest.

"You see, Dru, she loved Angel dearly. Called him 'daddy', followed him everywhere, hung on his every word, jumped through hoops to make him happy.
She loved me as much as she could, but it was never compared to how she loved Angelus."

"So, you competed for her attention?"

"Tried, but never succeeded. Kind of gave up actually and let her dote on him, all the while hoping he'd meet the business end of a stake or someday get sunburned. The thing of it was, he had Darla, his sire. Despite where his affections so clearly lied, Dru still loved him in the way I could never have.
Dru was my Dark Princess, she brought me to this different world and I loved her for it. Loved her as much as my dead vampire heart could love, even without a soul. Never fully got rid of William. He still lay there inside me, doormat at times, but there.
Naturally, her adoration of Angelus drove me out of my mind. I did everything I could to make her love me more. If Angel was to protect 'his women' from the Slayer, then I was going to kill the Slayer as my devotion to her. If Angel was going to bring her a kill, I was going to bring her a whole family."

"Okay, I got the point Spike."

"I was a nuisance, doing anything I could to egg Angelus on and make him seem weak in front of Dru. Angelus hated me for it and I hated him. Getting under each other's skin is just something we do.
When Angel got his soul and left us, Dru was devastated and went crazier than she already was. She became weak and unable to take care of herself. She barely could as it was, but it was worse then. As always I tried to be there and prove my love for her. She went on and on about her precious Angelus, her 'daddy.' She became frail, refused to feed and withered away to nothing.
I hated Angel. Blamed him for her death. I went after him, but as you can see, I never succeeded in offing him. Shortly after that, I received my soul. I see things differently now, I see why he had to leave us. Staying with the soulless while you yourself is souled is unhealthy for your mind. Especially when you're already haunted by what you did before it."

"I'm not Dru, Spike. I don't love you above him. I didn't choose him over you."

"When you came into my life Buffy, you healed me and you didn't even know it. You made me feel as if I was a part of your life--"

"Because you ARE Spike."

"William inside me so needed love and affection. He needed--no I needed all that you gave to me. Your laughter, your innocence, the life you have bubbling inside you. I needed all of it and you gave it to me without question. You trusted me with your life, a vampire with blood on his hands--you TRUSTED ME. You gave me everything I needed that I was so desperately lacking." He walked up to her and feather-lightly caressed her face, his face full of the reverence he felt for her. Being away from her like this was driving him mad and he just needed to touch her to reassure him of her existence in his life. His voice dropped to a whisper as his eyes passed over her face, "when you told me you loved me, I felt like I was flying. You, this Goddess, loved ME. I never thought...I knew you loved me, but you REALLY loved me. You let me touch you in ways that no other man has, you DREW me, you connected to me...and you were mine. Just mine for a time." He dropped his hand. "But I knew. I knew the whole time that you loved Angel. It hurt so much to know that there was someone else I had to share with him."

Buffy threw herself in his arms, wrapping her arms around his neck and speaking into his ear earnestly, "I do love you Spike. I love you so much. I can't be without you. I NEED you." She looked at him, cupping his face in her hands. "Do you understand? I need you."

His eyes were moist and she started to kiss them away. He grabbed her wrists and gently shook her. He stared at her and the look on her face told him she was waiting for him to either let her in or reject her, and that she was prepared for the rejection if it came.

He smothered her in a desperate kiss, murmuring how much he missed her, loved her and needed her. He cried in the kiss and abruptly pushed her away from him. He looked up at her solemnly. "I never had all of you, did I?"

"You do have all of me. All that I am is for you."

"And Angel."

She nodded, "I can't explain it, but you both have all of my heart. There isn't any part of me that doesn't not love you."

"I don't know if I can share again, Buffy. I don't know if I can do it again. Go home Buffy, I don't want to have to worry about you if you stay out here and patrol." With that he spun around and sauntered away. He hastily wiped at his tears, cursing himself for being weak with her.

He wasn't sure how much longer he was going to last.