So Damn Domestic

Four Days Later. FPOV


I can’t stop shaking my leg. I’m just too damn nervous to sit still. It’s Wednesday, the day of Addy’s doctor’s appointment. Only the doctor didn’t know what was wrong with her. And he thinks it could be something serious. He said ‘I’m sure there’s nothing to worry about, but just to make sure…’ and he gave us the name of an optometrist in Vegas. Well, she took a look about half an hour ago and couldn’t find anything wrong, but she thinks there is a problem, she just doesn’t know what. So she gave us the name and number of a neurologist at one of the best hospitals in Vegas and B’s filling out the forms while Addy sits next to her, sleeping. She wouldn’t hold still for the optometrist so she gave Addy something to make her drowsy. And it’s her naptime anyway.


I watch B get up from her seat and take the forms up to the nurses station. B’s freaking out but she’s trying to act calm and collected. But I know her too well. She’s freaking out on the inside. She thinks there’s something seriously wrong with our baby and I’m startin to think she may be right. I don’t want to think that but when you go to the best pediatrician in the state and he can’t find what’s wrong but think there might be something, and then you go to the best optometrist in the state and she can’t find anything wrong but think there might be something you start to think they’re might be something wrong. God I hope not.


And I know this is gonna sound a little harsh at first so just chill until I finish explainin. But I hope there’s nothing wrong and not just because I don’t want there to be something wrong with my baby girl. I don’t want her to be sick, yeah, but I don’t want her to be sick partly because if there is something really wrong B could get too stressed out and if she gets too stressed out she could have a miscarriage. So I’m not just worried about Addy, but I’m worried about B and our other baby, the little unborn one. Is that wrong? I don’t think so. It doesn’t feel wrong.


B comes back from the nurses station and picks Addy up and gives me a look like ‘ok, let’s go’. Standin behind her is a doctor. At least I’m assuming he’s a doctor ‘cause he’s standing like he thinks he’s hot shit and he’s wearing a white coat. So I get up and he leads us down some halls. I hold onto one of B’s hands and give it a gentle squeeze. I haven’t said a word since we left the optometrist’s office. I just don’t have anything to say.


“If you’ll just wait in here Dr. Moon will be with you shortly,” he says and leaves the room. I sit down in the plastic chair and sigh. I look up at B and she’s leaning against the examining table with Addy in her arms. Every once in a while she’ll turn her head and give our girl a little kiss on the forehead and she’s strokin her hair. Addy starts to move around, I guess the drug is starting to wear off.


“Mommy?” she asks and B gently rocks her and whispers somethin that I didn’t catch. Addy tries to lift her head from B’s shoulder but it plops back down. “Where are we?” She sounds a little scared. I stand up and walk over to my girls and gently rub Addy’s back.


“We’re at the doctor’s baby,” B says and keeps stroking Addy’s hair. “Close your eyes, angel girl.” I don’t know if Addy does or not but she stays quiet. I look into B’s eyes and I can see just how much she’s freaking. This is scaring the hell outta me and I don’t scare too easy. I guess this is different through. I can face big scary demons and vampires but a trip to the doctor has me close to trembling. The door opens and I whip around to see who it is. A tall man, with short gray hair and a gray goatee and a white doctor’s coat walks into the room, a chart in his hand and a blank look on his face.


“Hi, I’m Dr. Moon,” he says in a deep voice. He holds out his hand for me to shake and I introduce myself, then B does the same. “This must be Addison.” He looks at my little baby and she uses all her strength to hold up her head. Then she looks over at me and then at the doctor.


“Yeah, but my mama calls me Addy.” I can’t help but smile. The doctor does too and then he leans up against the wall and crosses his wrists over his stomach.


“Well, do you want me to call you Addison or Addy?” he asks in a very patient tone. I don’t even know the guy and already I have a little respect for him. Don’t get me wrong my slayer senses are high on alert. I’m not just gonna let anyone paw at my kid. Although it’s not really pawing because he’s a doctor, but I’m not gonna just trust my baby’s health with anyone. The first sign that this guy has ill intentions and we’re outta here. Anyway, I look over at Addy and she thinks about the question for a couple of seconds.


“Addison’s fine,” she says and sighs. God I really want to hear those two little words come out of this guys mouth when he tells me that she’s fine and there’s nothing to worry about. That this little thing with her eye is only temporary and it’ll go away in a couple of days. I have a feeling it’s a little more complicated then that.


“Alright Addison,” he says and stands up straight and takes a step forward. “Let’s see what’s going on with your eye.” Then he looks at B. “If you’ll put her on the table, please, I can get started.” She nods her head and puts our baby on the table but she stands next to her and holds onto her hand. Dr. Moon pulls a chair up really close to the table and sits down. He gets out the little flashlight thingy and tells Addison to be really still and he holds her eye open and shines the light on it, and then does it to the other one. “Pupil response is normal.” Well, that’s good. It sounds like it’s a good thing. Then he looks down at the chart and spends a few seconds reading it. “It says here she’s been experiencing slight dizziness and blurred vision in her right eye?” he asks and looks up at B.


“Yeah. A few days ago, um, Friday, I think, she was walking down the hall and then she stopped and started blinking a lot and then braced herself against the wall and she said her eye was fuzzy. I just assumed it was her vision.” She didn’t tell me that part. The just assuming part. It could be something completely different. He lets out a long ‘hmmmm’ and reads the chart again. Then he gets up and walks over to the phone on the wall and dials some numbers and then hangs up. I don’t like this whole him being quiet thing. It’s really starting to bug me.


“Is she going to be ok?” B asks and I look over at my little girl to make sure she’s not panicking or anything. We’ve been downplayin this a lot, trying to make Addy think there’s nothing wrong. But I think she knows something isn’t right. I think she can sense how tense I am and it’s been freaking her out a little bit all day long. I look over at Dr. Moon and he rubs his chin and looks at me and then to Buffy.


“Well, we don’t know what’s wrong yet so I can’t say.” Wow, that was probably the very opposite of what he should have said. “But we’re going to do everything we can to find out what’s going on and even more to fix it.” He tries to reassure her but the damage has been done. I walk over to her and gently rub her back with one hand and hold onto her hand with the other. “There’s no reason to get panic or get upset.” Yeah right. “Let’s just stay calm until we find out if there’s something to cry over.” He puts a reassuring hand on B’s shoulder and she nods her head a little bit.


“My mommy cries a lot ‘cause of the baby growing in her belly. She didn’t cry a lot before. Only when my mama said something to make her sad,” Addy says and the doctor smiles at her and I can’t help but smile too. That’s my girl, always has to get in her two cents even if it has nothing to do with what we’re talking about.


“The best way to proceed from here is to get an MRI. We’ll get a better idea of what’s going on. If nothing shows up there are a couple other tests we can run. But if there’s anything going on the MRI should bring it up.” Should bring it up. But it’s not guaranteed. I fucking hate this. Give me a demon to kill to make this all go away and I’m there. I can’t handle all this medical shit because I have to give up the control over to someone I don’t even know. The door opens and another man walks in. He’s young, mid twenties maybe, with brown hair that really needs to be combed. He must be an intern.


“You paged me, Dr. Moon?” he asks and walks into the room and closes the door. Dr. Moon hands him the chart and he opens it up and looks at it for a few seconds before looking up at the older man. Then he looks at me, then B, then Addy and then back to Dr. Moon.


“Yeah, we have a two-year-old with blurred vision and dizziness. Order and MRI and page me before she goes in, I want to find out what’s going on.” Then he turns back to me and B. “I have a couple other things I have to attend to right now, but Dr. Simmons will take great care of you. Now if you’ll excuse me.” He nods his head a little and then leaves the room, leaving us alone with the intern. I’m not sure if he’s an intern but he looks young and a little...frazzled. I guess he’s not used to working with kids. Dr. Simmons write something down in the chart and then walks over to the phone and dials some numbers and talks to someone on the other end for about a minute and then hangs up.


“Um, I need to prep her before she goes in. She can’t be wearing any metal and she needs to change into a gown,” he tells us and walks over to a drawer and pulls out a little gown. He hands it to me. “I’ll, uh, step outside while you do that.” And he leaves the room. And they expect me to trust my child’s life in the hands of that guy? Oh well. I take off Addy’s bracelet and her B helps me undress her and we change her into the gown. Addy can normally undress herself but she’s still a little...uncoordinated because of the sedative the optometrist gave her. Then the intern walks back into the room and outside the door I can see someone else stop in the doorway with a gurney. An empty gurney. Then Dr. Simmons walks up to my little girl and gives her a charming smile.


“Hey Addison, do you like spaceships?” She nods her head yes. “Well do you want to go with me and lay inside a giant spaceship?” He’s putting emphasis on some of his words and trying to make it sound really exciting. I have to give the guy some credit, at least he’s trying. She nods her head yes and he smiles again. “If one of you will put her on the gurney we can get going.” B picks her up and puts her on the gurney and we walk with her down the hall and into the elevator. We start to follow the man pushing my daughter towards a room but we’re stopped. “Um, you have to come back here with me. We have a large window so you can see her but unless she starts panicking its better if you stay with me.” If he says so.


We follow him into a dark room with a large window on the wall separating this room from the next. In the other room is the large MRI machine and it sort of looks like a spaceship, if you’re almost three at least. The man who was pushing her then says something to her and smiles and she lets him pick her up and he lays her down on the machine and says something else to her. Then he pushes a button and a little conveyer belt type thing pulls my baby into the large tube like machine. In front of me is a large desk with lots of computer screens and a couple keyboards and sitting at this is a small man who beings typing and some images pop onto one of the screens.


“How are you doing Addison?” Dr. Simmons asks into a little microphone. She doesn’t seem scared or anything, at least not that I can see. The man who put her on there must’ve told her about the speakers.


“I’m ok,” she says and I hear it through the speaker that’s on the large desk. She doesn’t sound scared at all. “But this doesn’t look like a spaceship. I think the other doctor was wrong.” I can’t help but smile. Dr. Simmons laughs a little and then presses the button for the microphone.


“Yeah, I guess he was. Now, do you remember what that other man told you?” he asks but he doesn’t wait for her to answer. “Lay really still for me ok?” She says a little ‘ok’ and the images start to change. I guess she had been moving around after all. After about five minutes the guy at the computer turns off the machine and there are about five images up, a different one on each screen.


Dr. Simmons looks at all of them and then walks over to the phone and dials some numbers and then hangs up. He tells us that there’s nothing to worry about so I can’t help but worry. About ten minutes later Dr. Moon walks into the room and takes a look at the films, after he tells off the younger guy for not paging him before they did the MRI. He takes a pen out of his pocket and uses the tip to point at a little spot on one of the films.


“Do you see that?” he asks me and B. There’s a tiny, little black spot on the picture and if I didn’t know any better I’d say it was just a piece of dirt on the screen, but apparently it’s not. We both nod our heads yes and I feel B take me by the hand and I gently squeeze her. “It’s a little tumor pressing against her optic nerve.” I’m sorry, but did he say-


BPOV


A tumor? A tumor in her brain? A brain tumor? That’s what she has? I can’t help it when my eyes water up and I have to fight like hell to pay attention to the rest of what he has to say.


“It’s operable and we’ll be able to remove the entire thing.” Well that’s good. That’s very good. “But there are some risks.” And that’s bad, very, very bad. Risks are always very bad. Why do there have to be risks? “She could lose her sight, there’s no way of knowing until after the surgery if it’s happened, and if it does she’ll be blind for the rest of her life.” I look through the glass and watch as the man who put her in there gently picks her up and puts her back on the gurney and then wheels her out of the room. Where is he taking her? “But if we don’t operate right away, the tumor can grow and cause her to lose her sight and damage other areas of her brain and ultimately kill her. I think it would be best if we proceed immediately.”


This can’t be happening. It just can’t. Not her, not to Addison. She’s just a little baby. She’s my little baby. She hasn’t done anything wrong. She’s too young to have done something to deserve this. It’s just wrong! I feel Faith squeeze my hand again and I lean against her. I have to ask. There’s no way I can’t ask.


“Is this...I mean, my mother she had a brain tumor, is this genetic?” If it is then we need to get Matthew in right away and get him tested and then Dawn and then me. But the doctor shakes his head no and tries to explain to me how this could have occurred but I can’t focus on what he’s saying. The only thing I can think about is my baby girl and the thought of losing her forever. I can’t handle it. “I’m sorry...I just….” And I let go of Faith’s hand and leave the room.


I couldn’t be in there anymore. This is just too much. I wonder around the halls, not sure where I’m going and not caring. My baby girl is sick and there’s nothing I can do to stop it. There’s no demon I can kill, no vampire army I can stop, no spell anybody can cast. There’s nothing and it’s one of the worst feelings in the world. I say one of because this feeling of fear is way worst. I don’t want my baby to die and it’s a major possibility. I mean, we all thought my mom was going to get better and then…. What if the same thing happens to my baby? It was so hard when I lost my mom…I don’t think I’d survive if I lost one of my babies.


I’d never get to see her grow up. I won’t get to watch her fall in love for the first time, get her heart broken for the first time, and go through all the normal firsts that everyone goes through. I’ll never get to have the relationship I want to have with her. We’ll never get to stay up late talking about boys and eating ice cream. We won’t even get to fight about all the normal stuff that parents and teenagers usually fight about. I won’t get to help her get ready for her prom and then take pictures of her and her date and make a big fuss over her. I won’t get to help her put on her wedding dress and watch Matthew, or some other man close to her, give her away. I won’t get to hold her hand and help coach her through the delivery of her babies.


I don’t think I can walk anymore. There’s a chair against this wall for some reason so I go ahead and sit down in it. It’s not very comfortable, like everything else in this hospital and every other hospital across the nation. I can’t feel anything anymore. I’m just…numb. I think if I could feel how much this is effecting me I’d die. It’s just too much. Oh God, I left…I just left, how could I leave like that? My baby’s probably asking for me and no one can find me. Will I ever stop screwing up? I have to stop thinking like this. I can’t do it any more. The doctor said the tumor is operable or whatever. That they can remove all of it. I can’t be thinking that my baby is going to die when she goes into surgery because if she does then it’ll be like I did it and I don’t think I’ll be able to live with myself if that happens.


“Hey…” I look up to see Faith standing about three feet away from me. How long has she been there? “They’re, uh, getting her settled in her room. Thought I’d come see if you’re ok.” She came to see if I was ok? This has to be killing her on the inside too and she’s seeing if I’m ok? Could anyone else be a better wife? I don’t think so. I don’t think it gets any better then this. I lean forward and grab onto her hand and gently pull her down into my lap and wrap my arms around here. I need to feel her…I just need to know that I’m not in this alone. I felt so alone when it was all happening with my mom. My fault mostly, I cut myself off from everyone. I didn’t give Dawn as much credit as I should have. She was a lot more mature then I was willing to realize. And no one else could really understand what I was going through. Faith understands because this is her baby too.


“I’m not ok.” I tell her and she gives me a soft, sweet and very short kiss on my lips. I’m going to need more then that but I live without it for now. “I don’t think I can do this again, Faith. I just…my mom was better then it just…happened. And when they make Addison better, when they take the tumor out I’m always going to be worried that something will just…happen.” She caresses my cheek with the back of her fingers and gently kisses me again, shutting me up. I guess she doesn’t want to hear it right now.


“Nothing is gonna happen B. I was talking about it with the doctor after you left. There’s this stuff that they’re gonna put inside her where the tumor is so it won’t just be a hole. The stuff will…decompose or whatever, when the space stats to fill up with fluid. I asked ‘em about it, told ‘em a little about what happened to your mom and they said we don’t have anything to worry about. Said somethin about all the medical advances that have happened since then or some shit like that.” This is a weird feeling that I’m getting inside right now. It’s like a mix of both relief and anger. Relief because of the ‘medical advances’ and anger because they didn’t happen sooner. If they had happened sooner maybe my mom would still be alive.


“How is she? Did you talk to her before you came to find me?” I sound a little panicked but I know Faith wouldn’t leave our baby if she was scared or needed her in some way. Faith just smiles and gives me another kiss. This one is a little longer. I guess she’s getting super needy right now too. I know I am and I feel so bad about it. My baby’s in the hospital with a tumor in her brain and all I can feel is this need for Faith to be touching me, to take the worry away.


“She’s fine. I didn’t talk to her but I was watchin from the door and when I left she was tellin off Dr. Moon ‘cause the MRI didn’t look like a spaceship. I think the guy was close to tears.” Sounds like our girl. It’s so cute when she tells someone off. She puts her hands on her hips and gets this little attitude like she’s the boss of the person she’s yelling at, or something. I can’t help but let out a little laugh. “But we need to get back soon or she’ll start asking about us.” Yeah, she will. Faith gets up and helps me to my feet. She wraps her arm around my lower back as she leads me through the halls. Did I really come this far? How long have I been gone?


Faith stops in front of a door to the room that our little girl is in. She’s too busy talking to Dr. Simmons to look over and notice us, but that’s fine. I just want to watch right now. She doesn’t seems scared at all. I thought little kids were supposed to be scared of hospitals. Why isn’t she worrying and asking for us? She’s just so independent already and I don’t like it. I know it’s a good thing that she’s this way, it’ll be easier when college rolls around and all that other stuff, but…is it so wrong for me to want my baby to want me by her side?


“Alright, Addison, this might hurt a little,” Dr. Simmons says and wheels over and I.V. thing and picks up the needle off the table. He keeps talking to her, trying to distract her from what he’s doing as he slowly puts the needle on the back of her little hand but she’s not buying into it. She’s watching what he’s doing. She’s watching the needle go inside her and she’s not freaked out or wincing in pain or anything. “You ok?” he asks and she just sits there. Ok, maybe this is a bad thing after all. Me and Faith rush forward at the same time and she walks away from me and stands on the other side of the bed.


“Baby, are you alright?” I ask and Addison looks up at me with tears in her big greenish brown eyes. I wrap my arm around her and give her a kiss on the top of her head. “It’s ok, it’s just some medicine that’s going to help make you better.” Ok it isn’t a full lie. It’s just some fluid so she doesn’t get dehydrated. But she’s still a little freaked. The doctor says something like ‘don’ worry, everything will be fine’ and then he leaves the room. I wasn’t really paying attention because I’m too busy trying to comfort my little girl. She’s better now and she’s pulling away from me. I feel like my heart’s ripping in two. She doesn’t want me.


Ok, Buffy, calm down. She’s just trying to get comfortable on the bed. She’s going to be here for a while, might as well be comfortable. So I sit down on the plastic chair and watch as Faith play red hands with her. I’d rather they not play that game but whatever. Let her do what she wants, she’s sick so for a while she gets a ‘get out of jail free card’ until she’s better. Oh no…I completely forgot about Matthew. With everything that’s been going on. We didn’t leave him all alone Emma’s watching him. But still, he’s sister is sick someone needs to tell him.


“I’m gonna go back to the house. Someone needs to talk to Matthew,” they both look at me with the same worried look on their faces. Probably because my voice cracked. Faith gets up and wraps her arms around me and Addison crawls to the end of the bed and holds onto my hand. I hear her say something but I’m trying so hard not to break down that I didn’t catch it. Faith pulls back and gives me a little kiss on the lips.


“It’s ok, you stay. I’ll go talk to him.” I nod my head and feel a little relieved. It’s not that I don’t want to talk to my son but…I don’t think I’d be able to get through the talk without breaking down and if he seems me cry because of this then he’ll get really freaked out. She gives me another kiss and then walks over to the bed. “Ok, angel girl.” Addison got that nickname more from a sarcastic remark I made one day when Addison was acting up. I was talking to Kim and just ranting about the downsides of motherhood and she asked me a question about Addison and I replied ‘oh yeah, she’s a regular little angel girl’. And I started calling her that and then Faith copied me. She picks Addison up and gives her a big kiss on the cheek.


“Take care of Mommy while I’m gone ok?” I smile a little and Addison nods her head a little. Then Faith gives her another kiss and puts her back down on the bed. She gives me a quick kiss on the lips and a ‘see ya in a bit’ as she walks out the door. I sigh and sit down at the foot of the bed and my little girl holds onto my hand. Who would’ve thought she would be the one to comfort me? This isn’t how it’s supposed to be. I’m the mom, I’m supposed to do the comforting. Even when my mom was sick she tried her hardest to comfort Dawn and me. And here my baby is, in the hospital with an I.V. in her hand and she’s trying to make sure I’m ok. How lame am I?

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So just for the record, I forgot all about Joyce also having a tumor until I was writing the BPOV. So I'm not coping that idea just for the drama or anything. I'm actually stealing it from an episode of Gray's Anatomy. Yes I know how lame I am. I hope you enjoyed the update.