Lost Memories

She jolted straight up from her pillow, horror and loss written clearly on her face, panting to catch her breath. Everything, she remembered everything. It was enough to make her blood run cold and guilt consumed her. What had she done? She’d loved him, loved him still, but Tara……… Oh goddess, Tara. She’d cheated on her.

No, she didn’t cheat on Tara, the other witch left her and she’d turned to Spike for companionship. They’d made love twice, and their relationship had been much more than just sex. He’d been there for her and she for him. She’d fallen in love with him, but he’d been in love with someone else, so she’d given him up. She’d gone back to Tara.

Of course, she’d cast the customary “fix your life” spell first. That was the real kicker, she’d spent all this time thinking she’d actually done as Tara had asked. She thought she’d actually detoxed and gotten clean. She thought her love for Tara and her anguish at losing the girl had been the only thing that had turned her back to magic. But she’d been wrong. Her love for Spike had been what had sent her crawling back like a junkie. The fact that she couldn’t deal with it like a normal person had caused her to cast that wretched spell.

She was still heartbroken over losing Tara, but if she just hadn’t cast that damn spell, she might’ve found some comfort in the fact that she still had Spike. If she’d had him to turn to she might have been able to control herself a little better. If she hadn’t recently done such complex spell, she might not have felt the pull as strongly as she had. Not only that, but she could have been there for him when he came back ensouled and lost. She could have actually gone to him rather than lurk outside his door. She could have done for him what he’d done for her the year before.

Oh, the world of ‘what if’s?’, what if this and what if that. The reality was she had cast that spell, she had lost Spike and she had also lost Tara. She’d adjusted the spell so that he could break it if he needed to. That must have been what left her open to the return of her memories after his death. The original spell should have lasted for the rest of her life, but as she’d been afraid of, that one alteration had messed it up.

Truthfully she wasn’t upset that she’d remembered it all. She was glad. Sure, it hurt like hell, it would have been easier if these memories had died when he did, but she was glad they didn’t. She owed him this. He deserved to be loved and missed. It was the least she could do for the man who had saved her life not once, but many times over.

She glanced over at Kennedy and decided right then that it was over. Things hadn’t been good for them for a while, actually since the day they left California. She’d clung to Kennedy in her time of need, when it seemed like there would be no tomorrow, but she didn’t regret it. She knew that Kennedy had been doing the same thing, reaching out for the closest reassurance she could find. They had been that for each other, but now that it was over, there was just nothing left. They didn’t love each other, hell, she’d probably never love anyone again.

She’d had two great loves in her life, two people who had truly cared about her, who could ask for more than that? They were both dead now, and losing them had almost been the end of her, she couldn’t do that again. She scooted back down in the bed and closed her eyes. Right now she’d sleep, tomorrow she’d talk to Kennedy and end this before either of them got hurt.