Quantum Xander II: In Wake of the Curse
folder
BtVS AU/AR › Slash - Male/Male › Spike(William)/Xander
Rating:
Adult ++
Chapters:
65
Views:
20,542
Reviews:
119
Recommended:
0
Currently Reading:
0
Category:
BtVS AU/AR › Slash - Male/Male › Spike(William)/Xander
Rating:
Adult ++
Chapters:
65
Views:
20,542
Reviews:
119
Recommended:
0
Currently Reading:
0
Disclaimer:
I do not own Buffy the Vampire Slayer (BtVS), nor any of the characters from it. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.
~PART 27~
Part 27
“You’re mine?”
Xander tilted his head as he looked at Spike. Yeah, he knew it was a two way street, he just didn’t know how Spike knew. He wasn’t sure he wanted to know.
“Yeah, but you knew that. These things are never one-sided. I could taste it the second time I bit you, in the Slayer’s basement. I’m in your veins, Xander just like he is - just like you are in mine.”
“I know.”
“So, now what?”
“I don’t know Spike. I don’t know.”
They sat in silence for a long time. Xander desperately trying to rationalize what he was feeling. He was mated to two Spikes. Two versions of the same vampire. One souled and one chipped. One here and one gone. One he missed desperately and one sitting right beside him. He was so confused. Hurt. He just wanted someone to tell him what was the right thing to do.
Finally, Xander decided that now was not the time to make any decisions; cooler heads would prevail in the morning. He wanted sleep. He wanted a break from his thoughts. He wanted someone to hold him.
“I’m going to bed. You coming?”
Spike was startled by the question and it showed clearly. Xander smiled and shook his head.
“Not for that. I’m tired, confused, I feel like my head just might explode and I want someone - I want you - to hold me.”
Spike nodded and got to his feet. He could relate; he was confused as well, and his demon was looking forward to holding its mate - especially now that the blood bond was his own, not his by proxy.
“Right. That I can do.”
There was no awkwardness as they shucked off jeans and t-shirts and climbed into bed. Spike opened his arms and Xander gratefully sank into his embrace. They were both in need of something they could only get from the other. Complete and total understanding. Spike didn’t even blink when Xander brushed a light kiss across his lips; he just smiled and tightened his arms around him a little bit more. There was nothing sexual in the kiss or the way their bodies were intertwined. It was natural, comforting. Spike purred softly and felt Xander relax into sleep. He wasn’t far behind him.
He was in Spike’s arms again; the waves crashed against the shore and the salt air smelled wonderful and clean. He determined that he would take his vampire to the beach as soon as he got him back.
“I do love this place.”
“Yeah, love. I know.”
“I’m sorry.”
“Shh, don’t be. I know, I understand.”
“You do? How? I don’t even understand?”
“You need him, love. The bond draws you to him; he’s me.”
“The bond? Is that all it is, am I using him to try and replace you? God, I don’t want that! I don’t want to use him; he deserves more than that. You deserve more than that.”
“It’s not like that, Xan. I know you wouldn’t do that to him, or to me. He’s me, yeah? And you love me, right? So it was only a matter of time, pet. Whether I was with you or not, if you spent enough time with him this would have happened. You remember the other one? The one we took to our bed? If we’d have stayed there for awhile you would have felt it with him, too.”
Xander relaxed back into Spike’s arms. He was still unsure of what he was going to do as far as things with him and the Spike in his bed were concerned, but knowing that his Spike wasn’t hurt by it, or angry with him, helped a lot.
“What about when you come back? What happens then?”
“We deal. Don’t worry so much, love. Things will all work out in the end.”
“I love you.”
“I know, pet. I love you too.”
“Spike?”
“Yeah, love?”
“How much do you know?”
“All of it.”
“All of it?”
“Yes, pet. I know about the bite, the bond, the… what did you call it? Oh right, sort-of-sex. I know about that, too.”
Xander felt his heart breaking. He had done an unspeakable thing and he couldn’t believe that Spike wasn’t angry with him. Didn’t he mean anything to him?
“Don’t even think it, love. You mean everything to me. You’re my everything, Xander. But why should I be angry? He obviously needs you. I know what that feels like. You gave me back my life - my sense of self-worth - he needs someone to do the same for him. You are that someone.”
Spike kissed the side of Xander’s neck - directly over the fresh scar.
“You may be the only one who can help him, Xander.”
“But Buffy…”
“Is the slayer. She knows how to kill demons, love, not how to love them. And don’t even bring Angel into this. If she had known what he was when they first met, she never would have fallen for him.”
“He loves her.”
“He loves you, too.”
“Not the same way.”
“Give him time.”
“I don’t want to hurt her; she’s my friend.”
“But she doesn’t love him, Xander. Not the way you could, if you’d let yourself.”
Xander laughed. He shook his head and then laughed some more.
“I’m rationalizing my own wants. It all makes sense now. I dream that you’re real, and you tell me it’s okay to want Spike, to love Spike. That I can be with him without feeling guilty. It makes perfect sense now. I’m not going crazy, I’m already there.”
“You’re not crazy, love. I’m as real as a magically-linked, dusted vamp can be. Read the book, love. Find the poems, and believe me.”
Xander woke with a start and opened his eyes. It was still dark in the room but he could see that the dawn would come soon. He gently slipped out of Spike’s arms and rolled out of bed. He quietly took Spike’s journal out of the bedside table drawer and made his way to the kitchen. After making a cup of coffee, he sat down and steadied himself. He opened the book, turned to the back and felt his eyes fill with tears. He read.
If my heart could beat,
it would pound in rhythm to your own.
If my breath could catch,
it would at the very sight of you.
Sable eyes and a gentle smile
pain deep in your soul that matches my own
you feel like a bit of heaven
a place I never dared hope to see.
for decades on, death was my art
blood my medium of choice.
I was a master, few could outdo me.
now I am nothing.
beaten and torn, pillaged and raped
a shadow of myself
my sense of self - nonexistent
I waited for oblivion
craved it
Then you, with one simple word
changed everything.
hope
I’d almost forgotten
what it was to be myself
my life such as it was - restored
Still broken, I try to recover
I fail time and again
but you, you see through me
see who I am underneath it all
you love me - demon and all
why
I don’t understand you
you make me feel things I shouldn’t
things I couldn’t
not before, not ever again
only you.
my Xander
my lover
my mate
“You’re mine?”
Xander tilted his head as he looked at Spike. Yeah, he knew it was a two way street, he just didn’t know how Spike knew. He wasn’t sure he wanted to know.
“Yeah, but you knew that. These things are never one-sided. I could taste it the second time I bit you, in the Slayer’s basement. I’m in your veins, Xander just like he is - just like you are in mine.”
“I know.”
“So, now what?”
“I don’t know Spike. I don’t know.”
They sat in silence for a long time. Xander desperately trying to rationalize what he was feeling. He was mated to two Spikes. Two versions of the same vampire. One souled and one chipped. One here and one gone. One he missed desperately and one sitting right beside him. He was so confused. Hurt. He just wanted someone to tell him what was the right thing to do.
Finally, Xander decided that now was not the time to make any decisions; cooler heads would prevail in the morning. He wanted sleep. He wanted a break from his thoughts. He wanted someone to hold him.
“I’m going to bed. You coming?”
Spike was startled by the question and it showed clearly. Xander smiled and shook his head.
“Not for that. I’m tired, confused, I feel like my head just might explode and I want someone - I want you - to hold me.”
Spike nodded and got to his feet. He could relate; he was confused as well, and his demon was looking forward to holding its mate - especially now that the blood bond was his own, not his by proxy.
“Right. That I can do.”
There was no awkwardness as they shucked off jeans and t-shirts and climbed into bed. Spike opened his arms and Xander gratefully sank into his embrace. They were both in need of something they could only get from the other. Complete and total understanding. Spike didn’t even blink when Xander brushed a light kiss across his lips; he just smiled and tightened his arms around him a little bit more. There was nothing sexual in the kiss or the way their bodies were intertwined. It was natural, comforting. Spike purred softly and felt Xander relax into sleep. He wasn’t far behind him.
He was in Spike’s arms again; the waves crashed against the shore and the salt air smelled wonderful and clean. He determined that he would take his vampire to the beach as soon as he got him back.
“I do love this place.”
“Yeah, love. I know.”
“I’m sorry.”
“Shh, don’t be. I know, I understand.”
“You do? How? I don’t even understand?”
“You need him, love. The bond draws you to him; he’s me.”
“The bond? Is that all it is, am I using him to try and replace you? God, I don’t want that! I don’t want to use him; he deserves more than that. You deserve more than that.”
“It’s not like that, Xan. I know you wouldn’t do that to him, or to me. He’s me, yeah? And you love me, right? So it was only a matter of time, pet. Whether I was with you or not, if you spent enough time with him this would have happened. You remember the other one? The one we took to our bed? If we’d have stayed there for awhile you would have felt it with him, too.”
Xander relaxed back into Spike’s arms. He was still unsure of what he was going to do as far as things with him and the Spike in his bed were concerned, but knowing that his Spike wasn’t hurt by it, or angry with him, helped a lot.
“What about when you come back? What happens then?”
“We deal. Don’t worry so much, love. Things will all work out in the end.”
“I love you.”
“I know, pet. I love you too.”
“Spike?”
“Yeah, love?”
“How much do you know?”
“All of it.”
“All of it?”
“Yes, pet. I know about the bite, the bond, the… what did you call it? Oh right, sort-of-sex. I know about that, too.”
Xander felt his heart breaking. He had done an unspeakable thing and he couldn’t believe that Spike wasn’t angry with him. Didn’t he mean anything to him?
“Don’t even think it, love. You mean everything to me. You’re my everything, Xander. But why should I be angry? He obviously needs you. I know what that feels like. You gave me back my life - my sense of self-worth - he needs someone to do the same for him. You are that someone.”
Spike kissed the side of Xander’s neck - directly over the fresh scar.
“You may be the only one who can help him, Xander.”
“But Buffy…”
“Is the slayer. She knows how to kill demons, love, not how to love them. And don’t even bring Angel into this. If she had known what he was when they first met, she never would have fallen for him.”
“He loves her.”
“He loves you, too.”
“Not the same way.”
“Give him time.”
“I don’t want to hurt her; she’s my friend.”
“But she doesn’t love him, Xander. Not the way you could, if you’d let yourself.”
Xander laughed. He shook his head and then laughed some more.
“I’m rationalizing my own wants. It all makes sense now. I dream that you’re real, and you tell me it’s okay to want Spike, to love Spike. That I can be with him without feeling guilty. It makes perfect sense now. I’m not going crazy, I’m already there.”
“You’re not crazy, love. I’m as real as a magically-linked, dusted vamp can be. Read the book, love. Find the poems, and believe me.”
Xander woke with a start and opened his eyes. It was still dark in the room but he could see that the dawn would come soon. He gently slipped out of Spike’s arms and rolled out of bed. He quietly took Spike’s journal out of the bedside table drawer and made his way to the kitchen. After making a cup of coffee, he sat down and steadied himself. He opened the book, turned to the back and felt his eyes fill with tears. He read.
If my heart could beat,
it would pound in rhythm to your own.
If my breath could catch,
it would at the very sight of you.
Sable eyes and a gentle smile
pain deep in your soul that matches my own
you feel like a bit of heaven
a place I never dared hope to see.
for decades on, death was my art
blood my medium of choice.
I was a master, few could outdo me.
now I am nothing.
beaten and torn, pillaged and raped
a shadow of myself
my sense of self - nonexistent
I waited for oblivion
craved it
Then you, with one simple word
changed everything.
hope
I’d almost forgotten
what it was to be myself
my life such as it was - restored
Still broken, I try to recover
I fail time and again
but you, you see through me
see who I am underneath it all
you love me - demon and all
why
I don’t understand you
you make me feel things I shouldn’t
things I couldn’t
not before, not ever again
only you.
my Xander
my lover
my mate