Hold Me Thrill Me Kiss Me Kill Me

“So, I'm Ted, the sickly loser. I'm dying and my wife dumps me. I build a better Ted. He brings her back, holds her hostage in his bunker'o'love until she dies. And then he keeps bringing her back, over and over. Now, that's creepy on a level I hardly knew existed.” Xander shoved his hands down into his pockets as he walked down the hall to the Library.

The past few days had been really, really weird. He’d started out by convincing Giles that the school needed a self-defense class for the girls. He’d worked with the Watcher to find someone who specialized in teaching women how to defend themselves and convinced Miss Calendar, of all people, to be the faculty sponsor.

Then Cordy had dropped a hint that the class needed more guys so that the girls knew who to date and the classes quickly filled with just about every Tom, Dick and Harry that wanted time with any of the Cordettes. As a result, a good fourth of the school were learning how to deal with muggers and creeps and Giles and Buffy weren’t even connected to the idea so Snyder couldn’t complain. Well, the little toadie did complain, but when didn’t he?

He complained even more when Buffy was accused of killing Ted, her Mother’s new boyfriend. Or course he didn’t complain as loudly as Spike had when Xander had come home from his afternoon of golf drugged and overly happy. You’d think an evil master vampire wouldn’t have problems with his human being just a little bit stoned but Spike was Not Happy with capital letters.

Oh, he hadn’t been pissed at Xander, but it was Spike who figured out that Ted’s cookies had been messed with. Of course Xander had to figure out a way of pointing that out without bringing Spike into it but waving the cookie under Willow’s nose while under the influence had done the job.

“The sad part is, the real Ted must've been a genius. There were design features in that robot that pre-date...”

Willow had been in charge of dismantling Ted after Buffy had successfully bashed his circuits in. Xander thought she might have been a little bit too impressed with Ted’s circuitry.

Buffy must have thought so too. “Willow, tell me you didn't keep any parts.”

“Not any big ones.”

“Oh, Will, you're supposed to use your powers for good!"

Willow blushed and looked down. “I just wanna learn stuff.”

Xander had to grin at that. It was just so…Willowish for her to try to figure out what made Ted work.

“What, like how to build your own serial killer?”

Xander winced. Cordelia was in fine form today. Normally he wouldn’t care but he still hated it when she sniped at Willow. Even though Willow kind of deserved it for keeping little Ted Bits, and boy, did that sound weird. “Uh, it’s so hard to rent one nowadays.”

Cordelia wrinkled her nose. “Can we just drop the subject?”

Buffy bounced on her toes. “Absolutely. I plan to forget the whole thing.”

She pushed open the door and the rest of them followed. There was still time before class to sit in the Library and talk about Ted without being overheard.

Unfortunately, it looked like they walked into what would soon become World War Three. Jenny Calendar was there glaring at Giles and Giles had his glasses off and looked entirely too much like Ripper for Xander’s comfort.

The girls stopped and Xander tried to get them to either scoot over or back out of the library. He got the feeling this was something they didn’t need to see but all three of them just stood there, staring. Buffy’s mouth had fallen open and Willow had her head down but was looking through her hair.

Then Miss Calendar looked up and made a huffy sort of noise. “Well, why don’t you tell them what I saw last night and we’ll just see who understands.” She all but ran out the door, the sound of her high heels echoing in the otherwise quiet room. Once the sound had faded down the hall, Xander allowed himself to breathe.

“Well, it looks like you’re having a crappy week too. You okay, G-man?”

Giles sort of limped over to a chair and slowly sat down and Xander realized the man must be hurt. Xander started to worry since Giles didn’t object to the G-man thing. “Bloody hell, will this week ever end?”

Okay, this called for alcohol of some sort because Giles was hurt and swearing and that probably meant that there would be plague of locusts or frogs pretty soon. Evidently the girls thought so too because Buffy and Willow quickly joined him at the table. Cordy looked at him and shrugged before following. He wasn’t fooled; she liked Giles too, she just didn’t like other people knowing she liked him.

Buffy put her hand on Giles’s arm. “Are you okay, Giles? Did you guys fight or something?”

Willow gave her supportive face. “Do you need chocolate and ice cream or is that just a girl thing? Do guys eat chocolate when they have fights with their girlfriends? I mean chocolate has chemicals that make your brain think it’s had sex so that would work for everything, right?”

Xander leaned forward and put his hand over her mouth. Giles’s eyes were glazing over from the rapid stream of information and he didn’t think the older man could handle it. “Breathe, Wills. Besides, you guys forget what Giles is. Giles is British more than male or female and that means he needs tea. Lots and lots of tea.”

“Please, I don’t think I can have this conversation without something…stimulating.”

He left the girls to their interrogation and went into Giles’s office. The electric kettle Giles kept in there was already turned on and hot so Xander dug in the back of the drawer where Giles hid his P.G. Tipps tea bags. Then he dug one of his lock picks out of his back pocket and opened the locked drawer at the bottom of the desk and poured a bit of brandy into the mug with the tea before locking everything back up.

He had a feeling he knew what had happened. Last night, while he and Willow and Cordy were breaking and entering into RoboTed’s lair, Giles had gone on patrol. Willow had worried about the Watcher going out alone but Giles had done some pretty quick talking and redirected her train of thought.

But Xander figured that Giles wouldn’t be alone, so if he wasn’t patrolling with one of the Scoobies he must have gone out with someone else. Possibly a certain Chaos Mage? And if Miss Calendar was being extra special pissy, that meant that she must have seen them out together. God. That must have been bad. Hopefully the limp was from a vamp or demon attack and not from getting a stiletto heel shoved where the sun didn’t shine.

Then again, Giles had sat down gingerly. But that could be from him and Ethan…

Xander quickly broke away from that thought and took the tea out to Giles. He was not going to think about his mentor/Father Figure having sex with his slightly evil boyfriend, he just wasn’t.

“Here, Giles, one steaming cup of English courage.”

“Yes, thank you, Xander.” Giles took a sip and then raised his eyebrow at him and Xander just grinned. He wasn’t even supposed to know about his hidden liquor stash, much less be able to get into it. Spike was such a bad influence.

“Right. Yes, well, this is going to be somewhat awkward, I’m afraid. While on patrol last night I ran into Miss Calendar. Or should I say I and my…friend. Miss Calendar was rather put out, which I could understand, and between her and my…friend and the fledges we ran into at the same time, it got rather violent. I do believe the Registrar at Sunnydale General Emergency Room knows more about my personal information than I do.”

“Poor Giles, did you get another concussion?” Willow sounded sympathetic but there was an odd tone to it. She probably figured out that Giles had been with his new romantic interest at the time. Whether she was curious or upset that Giles didn’t tell them who it was right away, he couldn’t tell.

“Unfortunately not, or I could have handled that a bit better. No, Miss Calendar accidentally shot me with a crossbow in my…upper thigh area.”

Xander was grinning because Giles was actually blushing!! He remembered how cautious Giles had been while sitting. “Would that be on your back of your thigh or your front?”

Giles glared at him but that didn’t stop him from grinning. “Back, if you simply must know.”

The girls all tittered and he heard a muffled “Oh, my!” from Willow. Giles looked really uncomfortable and Xander knew he should just leave it alone to let the man have his dignity.

Ah, hell with it, the man had been shot in the ass; how much dignity did he have left anyhow?

“So, Giles. Did your…friend, kiss it and make it better?”

“Xander!!” That came from the chorus of Buffy and Willow, both of them outraged outwardly at his crudeness but he knew that they were dying to know. Giles sputtered into his tea and Xander just had to grin.

He still refused to think about Giles and Ethan having sex, though.

Unfortunately, Cordelia was. “Please tell me the sitting thing is thanks to the arrow and not your boyfriend. I don’t think I can handle the thought of any more adults having sex. It's just so unnatural.”

Giles covered his face. “Yes, I tend to forget this is the Mouth of Hell and not Hell itself. I’m sure Dante left off writing about a level of hell where you’re surrounded by irreverent teenagers asking too many bloody questions!”

Xander laughed. By now Giles was used to his teasing and, well, Cordy was Cordy. It was probably the thought of Buffy and Willow that made him hesitate and, boy, did he know that feeling. Cordy knew about Spike and didn’t freak and he figured Giles wouldn’t freak after a lecture or two. It was Buffy and Willow that had him worried.

“Come on, Giles! Spill!!" Buffy was getting sort of angry now. He huffed to himself. He liked Buffy and he loved Willow but sometimes it was almost as if they felt they had to know everything. That is when they weren’t paying attention to their girl stuff. It was a fine line; if they remembered you they wanted to know everything but if they didn’t remember you…well it was like you weren’t there.

Willow had always sort of been like that; it was easy for her to get lost in books or whatever theory she was interested in. But it was like hanging out with Buffy made it worse, sometimes. Xander worried that Willow would be lost in the other girl’s shadow but didn’t know how to help.

Giles finally put on his glasses and sat up straighter. “Yes, well, since evidently my personal life has been declared everyone’s business, I might as well get it over with. Yes, I am in a relationship, and it is not for you to approve or disapprove since I am over the age of consent and in complete control of my mental faculties. After our last encounter I sat down with an old friend of mine and we were able to work out our differences and come to a compromise.”

“Giles, will you stop with the Brit speak and just tell already!”

Xander sat back while Buffy egged Giles on. He wasn’t sure what to do. He wanted to support Giles but didn’t know how.

“Buffy, really, I’m your Watcher, not your child. It really is no business of yours. If you simply must know, I’ve been keeping time with Ethan Rayne.”

“WHAT?!”

“But…but, Giles, he’s a bad guy and he tried to kill us and…oh, goodness!”

Buffy’s outburst and Willow’s confusion was expected, as was Cordelia muttering under her breath about all the gay British people. Xander figured he counted since he was sort of a British-in-law, if there was such a thing.

Both Buffy and Willow looked to him to see where he stood on the matter and he just shrugged. “Hey, it’s hard to resist the bad guy; they’re always so much sexier. I mean, Leigh went after Han Solo and he was a sorta bad guy. Which is a good thing because if she'd been with Luke those movies would have been way too icky.”

“Xander!”

“What? Let he or she who has not or is not dating evil throw the first stone. And before you get on your high horse, Miss Willow, may I point out Moloch, your computer boyfriend from last year?”

“Hey, I’ve never dated anyone evil!” Buffy had her arms crossed in front of her chest in a clear gesture that she wasn’t willing to talk. He rolled his eyes and opened his mouth to once again point out that, while Angel may have a soul, that didn’t mean he hadn’t been evil at one point in time.

“Will you all please stop!! It’s really none of your business who I spend what few off hours I have. Dear lord, you people are giving me a bigger pain in my arse than the arrow did.”

“Can we please stop talking about people’s asses? I’m getting a complex here!”

Xander grinned at Cordelia. “Don’t worry Cor, your ass is perfect you don’t have to worry one bit.”

“What do you know Xander, you’re gay.”

“Hey, what about our asses?”

All three girls turned on him for objective thoughts on their asses and Xander wanted to hide. He so did not need this sort of thing early in the morning. Well, at any time actually. Why was it now that he was gay all the girls were sticking their ass in his face?

And boy howdy, did that sound wrong.

Still, Giles was making his way to his office, the bitch fit averted for now. The man so owed him for this. Maybe now when Spike and him came out of the vampire closet things wouldn’t be so bad.

Xander snorted to himself. Yeah, like that would happen with Buffy and Willow around.

*****

“Just so you know, I think you have the most perfect ass I’ve ever seen. It’s the best ass in California. Well, I think it is. I’m sure it’s the best ass in England but since I’ve never been there I can’t be sure.”

Spike chuckled. Xander had come home from school acting weird. At least it was a natural weird this time; whatever had been in that robotic git’s cookies had made Xander scent off. Besides, he loved it when Xander was all warm and cuddly and playful all on his own. It was a gift that he couldn’t get enough of.

“Not that I mind, pet, but what brought all this on?”

“Oh, Giles got shot in the ass and the girls found out he’s with Ethan. They were getting ready to be all…I dunno, judgmental and disapproving so I distracted them by complimenting them on their asses. And I just wanted you to know that I like your ass best. In fact, I love your ass, and all that’s connected to it.”

Spike pulled Xander in for a kiss, their tongues twining around each other for a few moments before Xander pulled back. He was out of breath and panting, his eyes darker than normal and Spike growled down low in his chest. His boy was so responsive and so warm and just smelled so damn good. It was the closest thing he would ever get to heaven.

“All that’s connected to it, eh?” He pushed his pelvis forward so his erection could brush against Xander’s. “Even this?”

Xander got that look on his face that always let Spike know when he was planning something. Suddenly a warm hand fumbled at his pants, unfamiliar with the workings of a button fly so that they were clumsy. “Wanna try this…been thinking about it. Cordelia doesn’t know either, she likes to receive more than she likes to give but I just want to give you this…”

Spike growled as Xander pulled down his jeans in one tug and wrapped his hands around the back of Spike’s legs. He couldn’t help but shift to his true face as a warm but inexperienced tongue lapped at the tip of his erection.

This was certainly not what he’d had planned for Xander after school. A lesson on how to fix the DeSoto, perhaps, or some practice with the katana. Not Xander’s first lesson on how to give a blowjob.

Not that he was going to complain; he wasn’t bloody well stupid.

It was over quickly, mainly because there was no way Spike could resist a hot and enthusiastic Xander. Plus, it had been a bloody long time since he’d had a hot and willing mouth. Add in the fact that he knew that he was Xander’s first…he damn near shot his head off along with his load.

Spike pulled Xander up and kissed him, intent on getting every bit of his own flavor from his boy’s mouth. When he finally stopped he was holding Xander up, and Xander was nearly humping his leg.

“Xan, luv, if this is what happens when you talk about other people’s arses, go right ahead. As long as you know that no one else gets yours, that is.”

“Mmm, it’s yours. Was I okay, Spike? Cordy and I got to talking in seventh period, mainly just to piss Buffy off since she’s being all snooty about Ethan and Giles. But it got me thinking and I just wanted to try…”

“It was damn good for a first time, luv, and I loved it because it was you. Tell you what, why don’t we go back to the bedroom and I’ll give you a proper lesson, all right?”

Xander mumbled his agreement and Spike steered him towards their bedroom. He knew now what brought Xander’s sudden interest in fellatio on, though; it was the thought of bothering the Slayer. Spike grinned to himself.

Annoying the Slayer was most likely the best kink his lover could have in Spike’s book.

*****