Choices

Chapter Twenty-Five

A week went by with Buffy not being able to do much except sleep and cry. Willow forced her to eat; Oz forced her to shower. She hadn't moved off the couch much and she could only sadly watch as Oz would strode in with whatever she found she needed at home. She wanted to ask how they were, but she was afraid that they'd either gone out without her, hating her, or that they were just as miserable as she was.

"Buffy, you've got to do something," Willow told her one night as she plopped down on the couch next to her, turning off the stereo.

"I'm going to class tomorrow, Will."

"No, Buffy, you've got to talk to them. Although, good idea on the going to class. It saddens me to see you moping around like this."

"I know Will, and I feel like such a mooch. I promise to get better, it's just...this ache in my heart...how do you make it go away?"

Willow looked at her friend sympathetically. "I don't know, Buffy. If I knew that...we'd never have to worry about another broken heart again, ever. I do know that maybe if you talked to them now that the dust has settled, you might find a different reception."

"So, this time Angel might call me the whore instead of Spike."

"You're not a whore Buffy. He was hurt. People say things they don't mean when they're hurt all the time."
"I k"I know that Will, but...part of me felt as if I really were a whore. I mean, here I am making out with Spike and then I start making out with Angel minutes after I've spoken to Spike. I threw myself at them."

"Threw yourself at them? Buffy, you did the complete opposite if you ask me. From what you told me about what happened with you and Spike, you were very cautious about allowing yourself to love him. Since I knew all about what happened with Angel, you were in a constant state of denial. You have been so afraid to hurt them, to rock the boat, that you have been nothing if not cautious and considerate of their feelings."

"Not very considerate to keep Spike a secret from Angel like I did. Not to mention how I almost went for it with Angel right outside this house," she stopped then, choking up.

"It's done, Buffy, you can't change any of those things now. Now you have to work on making amends."

"How can I do that, when it was those very things that made them hate me?"

"They don't hate you Buffy. They love you."

Buffy shook her head. "No, they don't. Not anymore. I lost them Will."

"You knew it wasn't going to be easy, Buffy. You knew they'd both be hurt. Like they're perfect. I seem to recall you telling me a few stories about their pre-soul days. Like they have so much room to talk."

Buffy smiled, "I'm sure that wouldn't work in my arguments with them."

"It was worth a shot."

Buffy sighed. "Well, you know what? You're right. Not going to solve anything by moping here. Maybe I could patrol."

"You think that's wise? You're not exactly in the best frame of mind."

Buffy shrugged. "I think killing something will relive some tension. Besides, from what I know of broken hearts, it's going to be a while until I am in the right frame of mind. Might as well direct this melancholy energy into something productive like cleaning up the cemeteries and streets of Newport, right?"

**********

Roaming the cemetery, Buffy's mind wandered as she twirled the stake in her palm. She was trying to pinpoint the exact moment when she had messed everything up. Was it when she fell for Spike? Was it when she fell for Angel? Or, was it when she had fallen for Spike and kept it from Angel? Although, what would have happened if she had told Angel and then later realized she was in love with him. How would that have worked? Bit of the same, she imagined. Really, being in love with two men was a lose-lose situation.

Unless, of course, both parties were all for sharing. Angel and Spike were not the sharing kind, however. An image of the three of them swirled in her mind of her in between the two, Spike kissing her mouth and Angel suckling on her shoulder. She stopped and let that fantasy infiltrate her mind for a minute. Was that what she expected to happen? Was that what she WANTED to happen?

Well, yeah.

She wanted them both. However, if they just came back to her and had no intention of being with her in any way romantically, she'd deal. Just as long as she had them back. She missed them so much she felt as if she were missing limbs.

"You might want to pay attention or anyone could just sneak up on you."

She spun around immediately, her heart soaring. "Spike," she breathed.

He didn't say a word, just looked at her disapprovingly.

"I'm patrolling," she stated flatly.

"I see that. Didn't suppose you were out looking for a party."

"What are you doing?"

He didn't answer. "You should be paying attention Buffy. I snuck up on you no problem. No telling what else could."

"I'll keep that in mind."

"On your merry way then," he told her and stood there, waiting.

She cocked her head to the side. "Are you following me?"

A look of surprise passed over his features for such a brief minute that if anyone hadn't been paying attention, they wouldn't have caught it. But luckily for Buffy, she had been paying close attention.

"You were following me!" She exclaimed, poking him in the chest. "How did you know I was patrolling?"

"I didn't. I've come out every night in case you were," he muttered.

Hope bloomed and she started to reach for him. He stepped back and put up his hand. "Don't, Buffy. Despite everything's that happened, I still have a job to do."

Now that hurt. Any chance she felt she might have had, was shattered instantaneously. She looked down at the ground. "Oh."

"Remember that feeling you have right now Buffy. Multiply that times a million and you'll still never come close to how it felt to know that you not only love Angel, but almost gave yourself to him."

That sparked something inside her.

Anger.

Her head snapped up and she glared at him. "You think that I don't hurt? You think that I wanted this to happen? You really think this is all just a game to me? For somebody who's so goddamn smart, you're really fucking stupid. I never wanted this to happen. If I remember correctly, I told you that I didn't want to get involved, that it was too risky, that I was afraid of this very thing: That I would lose you both. So don't stand there acting as if you're the only wounded party here, Spike, because you're not. I didn't ask for this--for ANY of this. If you want to believe that I only had malicious intent, then fine, go ahead. But you know what? If that's what you really believe then you don't know me at all and haven't for the past six years!" She stormed off then, anger blinding her.

His hand clasped on her arm and she spun around, pushing at him. "Don't! I don't want to hear it anymore. I don't want to hear about what an awful person I am because I've done nothing but wallow in that feeling for the past month, even more so over the past week. You told me once that I was an innocent when it came to love and sex. Yet here you are, accusing me of playing you. Do you know how much that hurts me?" She barely noticed the tears falling from her eyes as she ranted. "You and Angel are all I've ever had since before my mom died and after my mom died. I never wanted to do anything that would jeopardize losing you. You came after me Spike, not the other way around. I barely know anything about loving someone, never mind two someone's. And the only people I've wanted to go to for help are the two people who hate me right now! So if all you're doing is your job Spike, then leave me be. I don't want your help. I'm sure you can find someone else to help, you don't need me."

She stormed off, not giving him a chance to respond. She never heard Spike stare after her, mournfully and admit: "I do need you, Buffy."


TBC.....