Damage

The funeral had been difficult but somehow the grieving couple had managed to make it through. Buffy attributed it to being in an almost constant daze. When it was time to say the final goodbyes at the small child-size casket, Spike had broken down and had to leave the room. Buffy was reminded of one of her favorite films, “Steel Magnolias” and how Sally Field’s character talks about all the strong men not being able to handle the loss; it is the women, the mother who stays until the very end. And stayed she did. Until night had fallen and Spike had to almost force her from the gravesite.

Afterwards, family and friends had gathered at Joyce’s home to eat the enormous amounts of food everyone had brought to the family. It was then that Joyce finally pulled Spike aside.

“I know this isn’t the time for great speeches or lectures, Spike but I just want you to know that I am sorry for some of my past behavior and I know now how much you love my daughter.” She told him with tears in her eyes.

“Thank you, Joyce….I…” Spike stumbled at a loss what to say.

“Ssshh…you don’t have to say anything” Joyce squeezed his hand before leaving him to attend to other family and friends.

After all the condolences and goodbyes, Spike drove Buffy home at Joyce’s insistence that they didn’t need to stay and help clean up. Dawn, Willow and Xander would be more than enough to help, she informed them. Spike led himself and Buffy into their big empty house; one that should have by now been filled with baby cries, giggles, and laughter. Now it just sat silent, like its occupants.

“I should have known he wouldn’t show up” Buffy said, breaking the silence.

Spike instinctively knew she was referring to her father.

“He will come to tell me who I can fuck but he can’t even have the decency to come to his grandson’s funeral” Buffy continued harshly.

“He isn’t worth getting upset over, Honey. Besides we didn’t need a repeat performance of your birthday party because this time if he had caused a scene at our son’s funeral, I would have bloody killed him, father or not.” Spike replied.

“I supposed you’re right. It’s time to let go of what I’m never going to have with him. He will never be the father I wanted or needed so why keep wasting my emotions on him.” Buffy sighed.

“That’s my girl”, Spike smiled and cupped her cheek in his hand, then leaned in and brushed his lips lightly across hers.

Buffy abruptly pulled away, “Don’t Spike. Not today.”

“Don’t what?” Spike asked, confused.

“You know what. I can’t. I mean, I’m still bleeding. The doctor said it would be a few weeks before I could…you know and even if I could; not today, the day of the funeral.” Buffy babbled failing to see Spike’s nostrils beginning to flare and the flush creeping up his neck.

“You think I was trying to fuck you?” Spike asked incredulously.

“Ummm…well…” Buffy blushed.

“What kind of monster do you think I am, Buffy? I kissed you, yeah. Chastely I might add! I’m your husband! Just because I kiss you to show affection don’t mean I am trying to jump you, for Christ’s sake!” Spike fumed.

“I’m sorry! I misunderstood! And you’re not my husband yet! Remember? We never did make it down the isle.” Buffy reminded him.

“You know what I meant, Buffy! For all intents and purposes, we are married! We can go down to bloody city hall tomorrow and make it official if that’s what it takes!” Spike growled in frustration.

“What it takes? What, you think getting a judge to sign a piece of paper will make me be able to spread my legs any sooner for you?” Buffy yelled back letting her emotions cloud her rational thinking.

Spike clenched his fists, “You have no idea how much I want to slap you right now Buffy.” Spike said menacingly.

“Go ahead, hit me!” Buffy pushed him with her hands making him stumble back a few steps.

Spike’s jaw clenched and his cheek muscle twitched, “I am going to walk away from now little girl before you push me too far” he said, turning and walking towards his office.

Buffy followed him and grabbed his shoulders and began pummeling his back, “You bastard…I want you to hit me. Hit me! Please….Spike…I need it! Please…” Buffy began to sob as Spike turned to envelope her in his arms to keep her from hitting him anymore.

“Make me feel…something! Anything!” Buffy continued sobbing.

“Stop Buffy. Stop…before you hurt yourself.” Spike removed her arms from him and tried putting some distance between them, leaving her crying on the floor.

“I’m so sorry, Spike. I didn’t mean…” Buffy began, trying to compose herself.

“Get out.” Spike cut her off.

“Spike…please not today…let’s not fight like this...not today.” Buffy pleaded.

“You should have thought about that before. Now get out before I say or do something we will both regret.” Spike repeated.

Buffy got off the floor and turned and fled to their bedroom, throwing herself on their bed and crying herself to sleep.

The couple managed to avoid each other the rest of the evening, taking their meals separately even. Buffy now sat watching T.V. but not really paying attention. Finally she turned it off and went upstairs. Spike was already curled on his side asleep. Buffy changed into a nightgown and crawled in beside him. Unable to help herself, she pressed herself up against his back and kissed his shoulder blades, “I’m so sorry, baby. I love you so much” she said to his back.

“I’m not having sex with you no matter how much you try to sweet talk me”, Spike’s gravelly voice rumbled letting Buffy know he wasn’t really asleep after all.

“Is that supposed to be funny?” Buffy pouted at his mocking of her.

Spike rolled over onto his back and pulled her to him.

“We have to stop doing this, pet. The misconstrued comments, miscommunication, assumptions, everything we end up fighting over.” Spike said.

“I know. I was a big dope” Buffy admitted. “Forgive me?” she asked.

“You know I can’t stay mad at you, Sunshine. But for future reference, when I am trying to seduce you, believe me, you will be well aware of it. There will be no doubt.” He advised her.

The couple closed their eyes and drifted off to sleep.


Several weeks passed and Buffy and Spike had settled into a comfortable routine of daily life. Well almost. In every aspect except romantically. After the big fight the night of the funeral, Spike hadn’t made any overtures at Buffy in any way until her clean bill of health was given by the doctor a couple of weeks beforehand. He had then tried several times to seduce Buffy to no avail. She continued to push him away. He was just a man after all. He wanted to be with her again. His frustration was starting to show.

This particular morning, Spike, as usual, awoke with a rock hard erection. He rolled and wrapped his arms around Buffy, nudging her backside with his arousal, “Mmmm…morning, Sunshine.”

Buffy struggled to pull away from his embrace, “Stop Spike.” She said flatly.

“Come on Buffy. Please, I need you.” Spike begged as he nodded to his arousal.

Buffy huffed in disgust and got out of the bed, “You’ve got two hands”

“Bloody hell! What do I have to do? What does it take, Buffy?” Spike flopped onto his back and ran his hand over his face.

“You don’t have to do anything, Spike! In fact, I wish you wouldn’t!” Buffy replied.

“Yeah, that’s the problem, Buffy. You won’t let me touch you and you won’t tell me why. I understand why you didn’t want to way back when and why you freaked out the day of the funeral but it’s been two months now.” Spike said.

“I’m not your whore.” Buffy retorted.

Spike rolled his eyes, “Did I ever say that? If I wanted a whore, I could go get one, Buffy. I want the woman I love. I want you.”

Buffy sat down on the edge of the bed and sighed. “I don’t know why. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I’m all moody all the time and I just can’t, Spike. I’m not ready.”

“Maybe you should see someone?” Spike suggested.

“You think I’m crazy?” Buffy replied.

“Of course not. I just think you’ve been through a lot and maybe could talk to someone about it. I know you’re still mourning, Buffy, I am too. I will always honor and love our son but life does have to go on.” Spike tried to say as gently as possible.

“You’re right, I know.” Buffy agreed.

“And don’t worry about the wedding arrangements. I will take care of everything so you don’t have that added stress” Spike said, getting up and heading to the bathroom to shower.

“WEDDING PLANS? Spike, wait….what are you talking about?” Buffy ran after him as he turned and winked then shut the door.

Continued in Chapter 27- Until Death Do Us Part