Truth Denied
folder
-Buffy the Vampire Slayer › Slash - Male/Male › Spike(William)/Xander
Rating:
Adult ++
Chapters:
64
Views:
22,788
Reviews:
75
Recommended:
0
Currently Reading:
0
Category:
-Buffy the Vampire Slayer › Slash - Male/Male › Spike(William)/Xander
Rating:
Adult ++
Chapters:
64
Views:
22,788
Reviews:
75
Recommended:
0
Currently Reading:
0
Disclaimer:
I do not own Buffy the Vampire Slayer (BtVS), nor any of the characters from it. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.
Chapter 25/?
Appropriate Ratings: NC17 overall but this chapter... PG13-R-ish (If I'm wrong, lemme know)
Warnings: Talk about character death and BDSM, not much else. Please let me know if I should put up something else.
Beta: LJ User purpledodah and
X-posted to: -Complete list on my LJ-
Comments keep my muse well fed.
They finally made it home, exhausted and worn after hours of police questioning. The cops had found the bouquet, the card, the heart and the body exactly where Xander remembered them to be, thankfully garbage pickup wasn’t for another two days.
“They’ll question Greg next,” Spike said loud enough to carry to the living room. He slowly made his way to Xander, keeping his voice low. “They didn’t treat you badly, did they?”
Xander’s answer was just as quiet, “No.”
Spike ran a hand through his hair, unsure how to proceed. Xander had been quiet and withdrawn ever since he’d told his story to Spike, he looked and acted tired and worn out. Spike didn’t blame him, but that didn’t mean it gave him any indication of what he should do next! Should he keep asking questions? Just leave Xander to mourn in his own unique way? Maybe he should just make dinner and keep his big nose out of it! He sighed to himself and shook his head, heading for the kitchen.
He started to make Alfredo sauce from scratch, while Xander sat silently in the living room. He boiled the pasta, drained it and put it back in the pot while Xander sat unmoving on the couch, silent as the grave. Spike added the sauce to the pasta and covered it, getting to work grilling chicken swiftly and slicing it up, careful to keep his trembling fingers from being cut off, added it to the pasta and still Xander stayed unmoving. Spike sighed to himself and shook his head, the stony uncomfortable silence hanging over them like an oppressive shroud, and walked to the kitchen doorway. The smell of cooked pasta and Alfredo sauce, the scent of chicken making his own mouth water in response... He couldn’t believe Xander just sat there, unmoving, silent as the dead. He shuddered at that thought Xan’s not dead, stop thinking that! Greg won’t get him, Xan’s too smart for that!
“Pasta’s ready, time to eat Xan,” he called out into the living room. It was chilling, seeing him get up as if he were dead, lurching and breathing heavily when before he had some measure of grace and good lung capacity, everything about him seemed... diminished. Xander trundled over to the kitchen table and sat down.
Spike loaded up a plate for him and got another for himself and put them on the table. He sat down and put Xander’s fork in front of him before digging into his own plate. After a moment he sighed and looked at Xander. “You need to eat Xander, I won’t have you getting ill on my watch. Already failed you once, not gonna fail you again.” He said the last in almost a whisper. He hung his head and started eating again, slowly... he’d lost his appetite, but forced himself onward to show Xander how it was done.
Xander looked up at him and blinked owlishly at him. He picked up the fork and slowly started eating, chewing for an extended period before he remembered to swallow. He took another mouthful and chewed without tasting, grateful it seemed to be easy to eat food. He worked on his plate in stony silence, absolutely intent on trying to remember the mechanics of eating.
Spike sat across from him, the pasta and chicken a thick paste in his mouth he forced himself to swallow, gratuitous drinking of water helped the food along nicely. He looked at Xander again, he had to say it, Xander had to be wondering, he had to!
“Xan, I need to tell you something...”
“What, other than your boyfriend is a stalking killing psycho who wants you as his very own and damn the consequences? The fact that my one friend, the only one I’ve been able to make in years, got eviscerated? What, what could you possibly tell me?”
“I tried.”
“What?”
“I tried talking to Greg. I knocked on his door, waited outside all bloody day, finally wrote him a note and slid it under the door, telling him I was off the market, that I say no to his offer. I did try Xan, I did... I guess... I guess he didn’t believe me.”
“So because of you and your boyfriend, sorry, semi-ex-boyfriend, are at an outs, my friends get killed?” Xander looked up at him through the fall of his hair, eyes blazing anger.
“He was probably killed because he was my head bartender, and my friend. It’s not about you, you know. This grudge is against me.” Spike’s voice was calm and restrained, holding in check any anger that Xander could possibly think it was his fault... It was Spike’s fault, always would be. He just had to get that through the wanker’s head.
“Yeah yeah, but we both know what it boils down to.” He looked up accusingly at Spike, tears in his eyes. “You had to go find yourself an Angelus, and probably moulded him to suit your twisted needs for those bits that were human. You made yourself quite a prize, you freak, look what you did to us!” He was standing and shouting by the end of it.
Spike just sat and took it. Now more than ever he wished he still smoked, and fiddled with the fork unconsciously. He couldn’t look Xander in the face, though he tried to. “I did all I could, kept going back every day, thought he took the strongly worded hint.” He took a deep breath, and with a feeling like something was being wrenched away from his insides said, “You can move out if you want to, I won’t hold it against you.”
“So I’ll be alone when this psycho strikes next? I don’t think so! Besides, I know where all the weapons are here.” He forced himself to chew another mouthful. His stomach was growling in hunger, but he just couldn’t eat without forcing himself to.
I wonder... why am I taking this so hard? It’s not like I haven’t lost friends before, in horrible and agonizing ways even... So why am I taking Chad’s death so hard? We barely knew each other! He sighed softly, and looked up at Spike next, trying to read the ex-vampire, but his expression was blank, cool, unruffled, and it was his bartender that got eviscerated. Xander couldn’t understand how he could be taking this so coolly.
In reality Spike was hoping Xander would call an early night and roll into bed to stare at the ceiling till the morning because he just wanted to fall into the cool, comforting darkness of his office and cry till he couldn’t breathe anymore.
He closed his eyes, trying to get himself under some kind of control and said in a cracked and grated voice, “I didn’t mean for any of this to hap-“
“You knew he was a psycho, you said you found yourself a human Angelus, and you didn’t think something like this would happen? You must be crazy or stupid to think things couldn’t go this way! Look what Angelus did to Miss Calendar and Giles! Do you honestly think he’s done? We’re going to be knee deep in bodies of people we used to know! What in the world did you think would happen? Do you honestly think things could have gone any other way?”
He was up and pacing, his voice growing steadily louder as the fear turned to anger. He was shaking, quivering, before he melted into sobs, his whole body wracked with them. He fell to his knees on the floor, clutching his stomach tightly as he cried, rocking back and forth. He heard the chair squeak as Spike got out of it, heard the slapping of bare feet on tile, heard the soft, quivering breathing, but he still jumped in surprise when Spike placed a hand on his shoulder.
Spike took a deep breath, “I’m sorry. I didn’t think beyond my nose or cock, just wanted the pain to go away, make the hurting stop and this was.... this was the only way I knew how. I can tell you something, if I hadn’t met Greg when I did, I’d be dead by now. I was on the verge as it was, just a couple of shots of bourbon away from picking a fight with the biggest and baddest in there, and throwing the fight, letting him kill me... but then Greg sat beside me. We recognized each other immediately from the club and started talking. I finally had someone willing to listen Xan, do you know how hard that is? How amazing that feels?”
He sighed and took a gulp of his water, throat already parched from his tirade. “When... the first time I... went to him... I didn’t know he was like Angelus, he just gave it away during one of our sessions, letting his real hungers out, the ones that Angelus forced on me and now I need to stay sane! Do you understand Xander? I need the pain, I need the humiliation, I need all of it to a high degree or I break down again. I don’t ever want to break down again Xander, never again. And I didn’t know you’d be living with me, woulda stayed away if I was... if I was going to have a friend over.” He shook his head.
Xander sighed and shook his picked up his fork again, trying to understand what Spike was telling him but it was hard. He’d never known anyone like Spike before, and never would again, Spike was just... Spike. He thought hard on what he said and mulled it over as he played with the sauce on his plate. “So... you... when you were a vampire did you... did you crave pain?” He thought back on what Buffy used to do to the poor then-vamp.
“Yeah, a little, but the fighting let me burn off enough steam I didn’t smoulder. I never... I didn’t, when I was with you guys, if that’s what you’re thinking. I mean, even if I’d wanted to back then, I was too besotted to care. It was love, I won’t deny that, but most of it was from me, and it was more lust than love. If she didn’t love hurting me so much I wouldn’t have stayed with her nearly as long. It’s what the demon made of me, well... it’s more what Angelus’ demon had done to me. I was very well trained at what I did and it’s what he programmed me to crave when I got too... away from myself. Pain helps anchor me, helps me know what’s real and I crave it Xan, I can’t stop craving it. I’m sorry, this must be all...” He sighed and walked back to his chair and sat down, determined to clear his plate.
Xander reached across the small space and grasped Spike’s cold, nervous hand, “I’m not going anywhere.”
Spike blinked back tears. “Yeah, alright pet good to know. Why don’t we finish off our plates, put away the leftovers, load the dish washer, and settle back for a good movie?” He managed to say through a choked up throat. He coughed to clear his throat, but still felt the tears starting to well. He looked up and willed them away, but caught Xander’s nod.
“Yeah, alright sounds good,” and started to dig in heartily to his meal. Looking like he was eating almost too fast for tasting.
Spike’s smile was brittle, but at least it was a smile. He started eating from his own plate, wondering what tomorrow would bring.
Warnings: Talk about character death and BDSM, not much else. Please let me know if I should put up something else.
Beta: LJ User purpledodah and
X-posted to: -Complete list on my LJ-
Comments keep my muse well fed.
They finally made it home, exhausted and worn after hours of police questioning. The cops had found the bouquet, the card, the heart and the body exactly where Xander remembered them to be, thankfully garbage pickup wasn’t for another two days.
“They’ll question Greg next,” Spike said loud enough to carry to the living room. He slowly made his way to Xander, keeping his voice low. “They didn’t treat you badly, did they?”
Xander’s answer was just as quiet, “No.”
Spike ran a hand through his hair, unsure how to proceed. Xander had been quiet and withdrawn ever since he’d told his story to Spike, he looked and acted tired and worn out. Spike didn’t blame him, but that didn’t mean it gave him any indication of what he should do next! Should he keep asking questions? Just leave Xander to mourn in his own unique way? Maybe he should just make dinner and keep his big nose out of it! He sighed to himself and shook his head, heading for the kitchen.
He started to make Alfredo sauce from scratch, while Xander sat silently in the living room. He boiled the pasta, drained it and put it back in the pot while Xander sat unmoving on the couch, silent as the grave. Spike added the sauce to the pasta and covered it, getting to work grilling chicken swiftly and slicing it up, careful to keep his trembling fingers from being cut off, added it to the pasta and still Xander stayed unmoving. Spike sighed to himself and shook his head, the stony uncomfortable silence hanging over them like an oppressive shroud, and walked to the kitchen doorway. The smell of cooked pasta and Alfredo sauce, the scent of chicken making his own mouth water in response... He couldn’t believe Xander just sat there, unmoving, silent as the dead. He shuddered at that thought Xan’s not dead, stop thinking that! Greg won’t get him, Xan’s too smart for that!
“Pasta’s ready, time to eat Xan,” he called out into the living room. It was chilling, seeing him get up as if he were dead, lurching and breathing heavily when before he had some measure of grace and good lung capacity, everything about him seemed... diminished. Xander trundled over to the kitchen table and sat down.
Spike loaded up a plate for him and got another for himself and put them on the table. He sat down and put Xander’s fork in front of him before digging into his own plate. After a moment he sighed and looked at Xander. “You need to eat Xander, I won’t have you getting ill on my watch. Already failed you once, not gonna fail you again.” He said the last in almost a whisper. He hung his head and started eating again, slowly... he’d lost his appetite, but forced himself onward to show Xander how it was done.
Xander looked up at him and blinked owlishly at him. He picked up the fork and slowly started eating, chewing for an extended period before he remembered to swallow. He took another mouthful and chewed without tasting, grateful it seemed to be easy to eat food. He worked on his plate in stony silence, absolutely intent on trying to remember the mechanics of eating.
Spike sat across from him, the pasta and chicken a thick paste in his mouth he forced himself to swallow, gratuitous drinking of water helped the food along nicely. He looked at Xander again, he had to say it, Xander had to be wondering, he had to!
“Xan, I need to tell you something...”
“What, other than your boyfriend is a stalking killing psycho who wants you as his very own and damn the consequences? The fact that my one friend, the only one I’ve been able to make in years, got eviscerated? What, what could you possibly tell me?”
“I tried.”
“What?”
“I tried talking to Greg. I knocked on his door, waited outside all bloody day, finally wrote him a note and slid it under the door, telling him I was off the market, that I say no to his offer. I did try Xan, I did... I guess... I guess he didn’t believe me.”
“So because of you and your boyfriend, sorry, semi-ex-boyfriend, are at an outs, my friends get killed?” Xander looked up at him through the fall of his hair, eyes blazing anger.
“He was probably killed because he was my head bartender, and my friend. It’s not about you, you know. This grudge is against me.” Spike’s voice was calm and restrained, holding in check any anger that Xander could possibly think it was his fault... It was Spike’s fault, always would be. He just had to get that through the wanker’s head.
“Yeah yeah, but we both know what it boils down to.” He looked up accusingly at Spike, tears in his eyes. “You had to go find yourself an Angelus, and probably moulded him to suit your twisted needs for those bits that were human. You made yourself quite a prize, you freak, look what you did to us!” He was standing and shouting by the end of it.
Spike just sat and took it. Now more than ever he wished he still smoked, and fiddled with the fork unconsciously. He couldn’t look Xander in the face, though he tried to. “I did all I could, kept going back every day, thought he took the strongly worded hint.” He took a deep breath, and with a feeling like something was being wrenched away from his insides said, “You can move out if you want to, I won’t hold it against you.”
“So I’ll be alone when this psycho strikes next? I don’t think so! Besides, I know where all the weapons are here.” He forced himself to chew another mouthful. His stomach was growling in hunger, but he just couldn’t eat without forcing himself to.
I wonder... why am I taking this so hard? It’s not like I haven’t lost friends before, in horrible and agonizing ways even... So why am I taking Chad’s death so hard? We barely knew each other! He sighed softly, and looked up at Spike next, trying to read the ex-vampire, but his expression was blank, cool, unruffled, and it was his bartender that got eviscerated. Xander couldn’t understand how he could be taking this so coolly.
In reality Spike was hoping Xander would call an early night and roll into bed to stare at the ceiling till the morning because he just wanted to fall into the cool, comforting darkness of his office and cry till he couldn’t breathe anymore.
He closed his eyes, trying to get himself under some kind of control and said in a cracked and grated voice, “I didn’t mean for any of this to hap-“
“You knew he was a psycho, you said you found yourself a human Angelus, and you didn’t think something like this would happen? You must be crazy or stupid to think things couldn’t go this way! Look what Angelus did to Miss Calendar and Giles! Do you honestly think he’s done? We’re going to be knee deep in bodies of people we used to know! What in the world did you think would happen? Do you honestly think things could have gone any other way?”
He was up and pacing, his voice growing steadily louder as the fear turned to anger. He was shaking, quivering, before he melted into sobs, his whole body wracked with them. He fell to his knees on the floor, clutching his stomach tightly as he cried, rocking back and forth. He heard the chair squeak as Spike got out of it, heard the slapping of bare feet on tile, heard the soft, quivering breathing, but he still jumped in surprise when Spike placed a hand on his shoulder.
Spike took a deep breath, “I’m sorry. I didn’t think beyond my nose or cock, just wanted the pain to go away, make the hurting stop and this was.... this was the only way I knew how. I can tell you something, if I hadn’t met Greg when I did, I’d be dead by now. I was on the verge as it was, just a couple of shots of bourbon away from picking a fight with the biggest and baddest in there, and throwing the fight, letting him kill me... but then Greg sat beside me. We recognized each other immediately from the club and started talking. I finally had someone willing to listen Xan, do you know how hard that is? How amazing that feels?”
He sighed and took a gulp of his water, throat already parched from his tirade. “When... the first time I... went to him... I didn’t know he was like Angelus, he just gave it away during one of our sessions, letting his real hungers out, the ones that Angelus forced on me and now I need to stay sane! Do you understand Xander? I need the pain, I need the humiliation, I need all of it to a high degree or I break down again. I don’t ever want to break down again Xander, never again. And I didn’t know you’d be living with me, woulda stayed away if I was... if I was going to have a friend over.” He shook his head.
Xander sighed and shook his picked up his fork again, trying to understand what Spike was telling him but it was hard. He’d never known anyone like Spike before, and never would again, Spike was just... Spike. He thought hard on what he said and mulled it over as he played with the sauce on his plate. “So... you... when you were a vampire did you... did you crave pain?” He thought back on what Buffy used to do to the poor then-vamp.
“Yeah, a little, but the fighting let me burn off enough steam I didn’t smoulder. I never... I didn’t, when I was with you guys, if that’s what you’re thinking. I mean, even if I’d wanted to back then, I was too besotted to care. It was love, I won’t deny that, but most of it was from me, and it was more lust than love. If she didn’t love hurting me so much I wouldn’t have stayed with her nearly as long. It’s what the demon made of me, well... it’s more what Angelus’ demon had done to me. I was very well trained at what I did and it’s what he programmed me to crave when I got too... away from myself. Pain helps anchor me, helps me know what’s real and I crave it Xan, I can’t stop craving it. I’m sorry, this must be all...” He sighed and walked back to his chair and sat down, determined to clear his plate.
Xander reached across the small space and grasped Spike’s cold, nervous hand, “I’m not going anywhere.”
Spike blinked back tears. “Yeah, alright pet good to know. Why don’t we finish off our plates, put away the leftovers, load the dish washer, and settle back for a good movie?” He managed to say through a choked up throat. He coughed to clear his throat, but still felt the tears starting to well. He looked up and willed them away, but caught Xander’s nod.
“Yeah, alright sounds good,” and started to dig in heartily to his meal. Looking like he was eating almost too fast for tasting.
Spike’s smile was brittle, but at least it was a smile. He started eating from his own plate, wondering what tomorrow would bring.