Hold Me Thrill Me Kiss Me Kill Me

He wondered how he always ended up following the girls. This was the second night in a row that he’d managed to get both Buffy and Willow out for a group patrol but it always seemed like they would clan up and giggle and whisper and he would end up following along.

Xander knew he was reaching out almost desperately for his friends. Oh, he still went home to Spike but he knew he was being… quiet. They hadn’t done more than kiss and cuddle in the past five days. Spike seemed to understand but Xander was getting impatient, in a way. He didn’t want to feel all guilty and emotional over someone who had hurt him for so long.

But he did. And he didn’t. It was entirely possible he was in the early stages of Multiple Personality Disorder or something because it was like there were all these different miniature Xanders in his head and one was cheering that his Dad was gone and another was crying and then there was one that was pointing out that he was supposed to stop Spike from doing stuff like that, not encourage it.

But the mini-Xander that went “Awww, isn’t Spike sweet?!” hog tied the moral mini-Xander and shoved him down a well, while at the same time a mini-Xander who sounded like Giles went on in his head about courtship rituals. He might as well start talking to dolls and the stars; it beat trying to figure out what was going on in between his ears.

He sighed and then jogged a bit to catch up to Buffy and Willow. He was trying to connect to them, really. It was just sorta odd. They just seemed so…flighty; almost like the Cordettes, in a way. Given a chance they were just like them; they’d giggle and whisper and compare outfits and all that girly stuff. In fact, as much as Buffy would get all growly over Cordy, he knew that what she really wanted was to be just like her.

He caught up to them and bumped Willow so she would run into Buffy. “So, what are you two lovely ladies hoping to get into at the Career Fair? I’ve got to say, considering where we live I’m surprised bounty/demon hunter isn’t an option, since that’s what I was hoping for.”

Buffy nearly stumbled and even Willow gave him a weird look before giving him a grin that was way too perky. “That would be cool! I’m kinda hoping something in computers or the health care profession. Mom and Dad are always wanting me to be a doctor, that or marry one. What about you, Buffy?”

“I told you guys that I’m trying to just ignore the whole thing. I don’t see why you guys keep bringing it up. I’m going to be stuck on the Hellmouth until I die or it freezes over. Thinking about everyone else being able to get away from here just…”

“Hurts.” Xander smiled at her. “Face it, Buff, you want to be in Cordy’s shoes. You just need to stop worrying about it. Embrace your inner shallow shopaholic.”

“Xander! That’s not what Buffy is saying at all! Is it?” Willow sounded so confused and so hopeful and Xander knew she just realized something. Within the first month of knowing her Buffy had admitted that she had been the Queen Bitch of her old school. She had an entourage just like Cordy had hers and dated the Quarterback and wore all the right clothes and looked down on everyone who didn’t.

But it was like Willow was just realizing that, and she wanted Buffy to deny that because the Buffy before the Slayer gig would have never talked to either Willow or Xander because they were that low on the social ladder.

They stopped in the middle of Restfield Cemetery and he waited while Buffy looked down and pulled at the hem of her shirt.

“God, I don’t know, Willow. I miss being normal. I miss the fact that the biggest problem I used to have was what dress to wear or if anyone else had a sweater like mine and what did my hair look like. And I’m sick and tired of having to scrub out my clothes because I don’t want Mom to ask about the bloodstains. I just…wish I was like everyone else.”

Standing there watching his friend, Xander could really see that. Buffy had on her tight jeans with a shirt and a brown leather coat and he wondered if she was trying to dress up to feel better or to impress the fledges.

Willow had that hurt look on her face again and her eyes look sorta like one of those characters in a Japanese anime that wear cat's ears, all huge and watery. The part of his brain had been hanging around Spike and Cordy too much wanted to make a sarcastic remark but the mini-Xander that does and always will love Willow clubbed the mean-Xander over the head and he reached over and squeezed her on the arm before turning to Buffy.

“Yeah, I can see that. But hey, being a Slayer isn’t all that bad. For one thing, you have two very cool sidekicks and, as much as I can’t stand the bastard, do you think Angel would give you the time of day if you weren’t the Slayer?”


“Xander, do not go there.” Buffy’s voice was cold and her face was blank. Xander put his hands up in surrender. To him it was obvious; part of Angel wanted to be punished and what better way to do it than to have a relationship with someone whose life was killing vampires?

“Ooh! Don’t forget that you’re all…strong and stuff! It must be nice to be able to open pickle jars without having someone to help you or, you know, to nearly break your hand. And you can eat all the chocolate ice cream you want and you won’t gain weight because you use up all the calories!”

That brought a smile to his face. Willow was just so…Willowish. Eternally optimistic, she could look at the worst cloud and find the silver lining.

“Sometimes I like having someone else around to open the pickle jars for me, though, and I get tired of having to worry about opening my locker door too hard in case I rip it off its hinges.” Buffy sighed and seemed to huddle into herself. “Don’t mind me, guys, I’m just being a party pooper. I should go home, where the only party I have to poop on is my own.”

Willow wrinkled her nose at that and Xander laughed. “Ewwww. Gross image there, Buff!”

“Oh! You know what I mean, Xander!” Buffy slapped him on the arm playfully and he grinned at her. That had been the happiest expression he'd seen on her since doing those stupid multiple-choice tests that were supposed to determine their future careers. Either that or to check and see if they had any sexual fantasies about the local plant life. Why else ask if they liked shrubs or not?

They parted ways, Buffy to go home to mope or wash her hair or whatever since Xander had promised to walk Willow home. Willow didn’t seem to have any confidence in him, though; her shoulders drew up and she started looking over her shoulders as she hurried along.

“Chill out, Wills. I won’t let anything happen to you.” He grinned confidently at her. He might not have slayer strength or speed but nowadays he could handle himself. Well, against fledges, at least. An older vamp or a master would be out of his league but other than Spike there weren’t that many around town and, knowing Spike, he had some sort of cosmic “Do Not Touch on Pain of Torture” sign floating about his head.

“Sorry, Xan. I know you’ve been training with Giles and all but I still worry.”

“Whatever, Willow.” He sighed. He remembered why he had stopped hanging out with Willow and Buffy quite so much; there was nothing to say. It was like there was this great big…thing in between them and he didn’t know what to say. He only had two classes a day with the girls now, and while they hung out in the Library after school they talked about demons and slayage and stuff.

It was simpler in some ways to talk to Cordy. All he’d have to do was ask her a question about fashion or herself or make fun of someone else and they’d be good to talk for an hour or so. Add in the fact that she regularly teased him for sleeping with Spike and having a death wish, well, it was just easier. He didn’t have to hide anything from her.

Well, walking along beside his best friend saying nothing wasn’t helping either. “Hey, Willow, have you noticed anything…weird up with Buffy lately? She’s acting, I dunno, gun shy or something. All nervous and stuff.”

“I don’t know, Xander. I don’t know what’s going on with anyone anymore! Buffy says it’s because she’s with Angel and vampires get all splotchy and possessive so she’s been spending more time with him. Half the time I don’t even know where you are anymore and I end up at home, alone, studying. My parents are overjoyed, and my pre-SATs are going to look wonderful but sometimes I just wish…”

Damn. He hadn’t thought of that. “I’m sorry, Wills. I didn’t mean to leave you out. I just thought, well, you were less than thrilled about me being gay, so I wanted to give you some time. Plus I’m busy a lot of the time... but you should have said something. I just assumed you were with Buffy most of the time.”

He had thrown his arm around her shoulders and she snuggled into his side. “You know what they say about assuming, Xander. Besides, what has you so busy? You’ve dropped a lot of your more college prep classes, and you don’t patrol with Buffy that much anymore.”

Ack. This was so not going to be a fun conversation. “Well, I’m writing a 100 page story for Creative Writing class right now and it’s going to be too cool. Actually, I’m doing a fictional horror but it’s based on this demon I remember seeing when I was a kid and didn’t realize. Then Giles gives me homework, and I’m learning some Latin, enough to recognize key words so I can skim books and look for them while researching. Plus I’m learning how to kill different demons, which is really fun, and boy, does that make me sound like a psychopath.”

And he had his very own body count to go with his new psychopathic tendencies. Larry, his two buddies and his Father. Not that he was going to admit any one of those to Willow. Hell, he didn’t like admitting that to himself. In fact, all the little Xanders inside his head were working together to shove that thought in a little box in the back of his mind. Nope, not going to go there.

But he could talk about Spike. He smiled. “And, well, are you really okay with me being all gay? Can I talk to you about it?”

“Of course, Xander! You idiot, you can tell me whatever you want.” She poked him in the side and he winced. “In fact, you’d better say something, Mister! You’ve been holding back on me, huh?”

“Yep. His name is…Will.” Giles knew that much, at least. “No, it’s not the Will who’s in the AV club. I have much better taste than that. He’s, well, he’s older so he doesn’t go to school. He’s blonde and gorgeous and would do anything for me.”

And how true that last statement was, but he wasn’t going to think about that right now; it was going right back into the mental box where it belonged.

“Oh! He’s sounds…nice! When do I get to meet him?”

Oh god, panic time. “Well, for one thing, he’d be the first person to tell you he wasn’t nice. To me, yeah, but not to most people. He’s, like, anti-nice. And until you can not freak over the idea of me and a guy you’re not going to meet him, because I love you, Wills, and I really don’t want to put you in the hospital with a heart attack at such a young age.”

They had reached her house and he pulled away and walked her to the door. “Your stop, Willow. Have a good night.”

“Xander! You can’t just tell me that you’re dating some…older, not nice man and just say goodnight! I need more information!”

“I just said he wouldn’t be nice to most people, but he’s very nice to me. Hell, he cares more about me than most people, and knows more about me too. I’m lucky, Wills, and when you can understand that I’ll take you to meet him. Okay?”

“Promise?” In the darkness she looked like a little girl and suddenly he felt so much older. He reached out and tucked a strand of hair behind her ear.

“Pinky swear promise. For real.”

She smiled and he was able to smile back at her. He’d told her the truth; as soon as he could get her to understand how someone that wasn’t nice could love someone, he’d take her to meet Spike. And pray that she wouldn’t tell Buffy.

He waited until the light went on in her room to leave. Part of him wanted to sneak into her room like he used to do and just tell her everything; about Spike, his Dad, feeling like he was different because he was seeing the world differently, thanks to Spike. But Willow wasn’t ready for that. Despite the fact that they were only a month apart in age, she was still a little girl in a lot of ways.

Right now she couldn’t see how much Spike loved him, all she would see is her best friend being tricked or thralled or something like that. And she’d kill Spike and that would kill him.

He remembered talking to Spike about the age thing, about how Angel was so much older than Buffy because he was mentally older, not chronologically. And while Spike in many ways was no older than a teenager in his mental attitude, it was weird because Xander kinda felt like he was growing up too.

He shook his head and started walking home. Willow lived on the other side of Sunnydale but he was glad he’d taken the time. He still felt odd around Buffy and Willow but at least Willow was trying to understand.

Buffy sounded like she was just having identity problems. Yeah, it sucked being the Slayer and having a shelf life shorter than a box of Twinkies but it wasn’t like anyone could change it. But it would sound rude if he told her to just suck it up and get over it, even though that was what he wanted to do. Sometimes, at least.

There was a noise behind him and Xander tensed. He reached into his pockets for the stake and knife that he was carrying.

“Anti-nice pet? M’not sure if that’s a compliment or not.”

Xander grinned and ran over to meet his lover. He should have known he was being followed. “Well, if I would have said that you’re an absolute marshmallow around me and you just have a tough guy image thing going, you’d kick me out of bed. Or do something equally wicked just to prove you were evil. Anyway, I want her to get used to the idea that my boyfriend is slightly evil so that when I bring her home to meet you she won’t have kittens in the living room.”

“First of all, pet, “Boyfriend”? In case it hasn’t escaped your notice, I haven’t been a boy for over a hundred years. Secondly, you want me to be all…nice to Red?”

“Yep, you’ll be nice to Willow, and to Giles because he will figure it out eventually. Think of it as meeting the parents.” There was an awkward pause while all the inner Xanders pushed the fact that Spike had already met his Dad back in the box. He needed to get a better mental lock for that thing.

Xander shook his head. “And, technically, I consider you my boyfriend because lover is too intimate for public and sweetie pie is just way too gay.”

Spike gave one of his sly grins, the kind that made Xander’s breath catch and his pants get tight. “Lover, eh?”

Xander blushed and sort of ducked his head. They hadn’t done all that much, yet, but that was how he thought of Spike. “Umm, yeah.”

Cool fingers were under his chin and his head was tipped for a kiss. There were lips and tongue and Xander could feel all the blood rushing through his body to his groin. When Spike pulled back he felt dizzy and all tingly. He loved those types of kisses.

“Come on, Xander, let’s go home.”