Choices

I am working on another chapter, so hopefully that will be out later on tonight...thank you all for the reviews. I'm glad you are enjoying this story. It's going to be pretty angsty for a while but it will all be better in the end. Buffy will get her men!

Chapter Twenty-Four

"What?" Both Spike and Angel sputtered, completely flabbergasted.

"I'm in love with both of you."

They stood there, staring at her. Spike was the first to move, shaking his head. "No, pet, I know you love Angel. I know that you love him like a brother, but you're IN love with me. You can tell him now, he's right here, he saw us kissing."

She shook her head. "No, Spike. I'm in love with Angel too."

"What do you mean 'too'?!" He shouted.

"Buffy, you told me last night. You told me you loved me." Angel said quietly.

"And I do! I do love you. The thing is, I love you both. As in, if I had my way I would be with both of you. I can't choose between you, I can't say that I will be with one of you only because I love both of you the same way."

They were staring at her again.

"Buffy, are you and Spike...have you and Spike--?" Angel asked.

"We haven't had sex if that's what you're getting at."

"We've been intimate though. Let's not forget that we've been together in intimate ways since you told ME that you loved me."

"You've been together all this time? Is that what all the late night patrols have been about? How long has this been going on? You KEPT this from me? You tell me you love me last night, almost have sex with ME and you've been intimate with HIM all this time?"

Angel's voice was rising with each word. Anger was evident on his face as well as pain as he tried to understand what was happening.

Spike looked as if he'd been burnt by holy water. He started to shake his head. "Buffy, you didn't...you love me...you don't. Tell me Buffy, tell me it's not true, tell me you didn't...not with him, with ME." The agony in Spike's voice caused tears to spring to her eyes.

"You don't get to cry!!" Spike screamed at her.

The dam burst. "I didn't want to hurt you, I swear I didn't. I didn't know, Spike, I didn't realize how I felt about Angel until last night--"

"Until he made you cum? Is that it? Is that all it takes Buffy?"

She felt as if she'd just been slapped across the face. She gasped with the force of his cruel words. 'You deserve it, remember? Look at him. Look at the pain he's in, it's written all over his face.'

"I'm not a whore. Everything I've done, it was because I loved you both. I wanted to tell you--" She looked at Angel who was silent, which frightened her more. "I wanted to tell you, but I was afraid to. Spike...he wanted to, so you can't blame him for keeping it a secret. It was all me. I didn't want to hurt you, didn't want you to leave me, so I kept it from you. I was going to tell you after tonight. I was going to come clean and tell you that I was in love with Spike. Then Willow, she told me that she thought you were in love with me too and it kind of gave me a case of the wiggins--NOT because I was grossed out by it but because if that were true then the damage would be worse when you found out. Giving it a chance to marinate for a few days seemed like a good idea at the time, but it was a bad idea--or good, depending on how you look at it--"

"Get to the point, Buffy!" Angel exclaimed.

"I started having feelings for you, but I think they were there on some level all the time. I just didn't realize it, fully, until I saw you dancing with Faith last night. I was so jealous and I didn't want her near you. Then you came to me last night and--and I couldn't hide it from you any longer. You told me you loved me and I couldn't look at you and lie to you. I couldn't tell you that I didn't love you because I do."

"And me? Was I just a nice distraction for you?" Spike asked, his voice barely audibly with anguish and anger plainly evident.

"No, of course not! Spike, I love you. I love you so much. Everything I said to you, everything we did, it was all because I love you. What I feel for both of you...it's real. I don't love one above the other."

"How long have you and Spike been together, Buffy? How long have you been lying to me?" Angel wouldn't even look at her.

"Almost a month now."

"However, since she was in love with you the whole time, she never really was with me. Well, except for a few times, right Buffy? Figured I could help you gain some experience for your precious Angel, isn't that how it worked?"

"Shut up, Spike!" Angel shouted at him.

"No, it wasn't like that at all, Spike." she told him firmly.

"You lied to me. You kept it from me and the whole time...last night when you said you loved me, you had Spike."

"Did you see him before or after you called and told me you loved me?" Spike demanded.

"After," Buffy whispered, hanging her head.

"No, don't hang your head Buffy. You got what you wanted. You got both of us wrapped around your little finger, didn't you? Got us both to play with, got yourself a couple of whipped vampires didn't you?"

"No, Spike, please listen--"

"I've heard enough. Well Buffy, you didn't have to worry about making a choice. It's been made. Here's Angel all for you."With that, he stormed out.

The tears were falling freely now and she was desperate for at least one of them to hear her, to understand. She looked pleadingly at Angel.

"How could you lie to me Buffy? After all we've been through, you kept your relationship with Spike a secret, you tell me you love me, then you tell me you love both of us? Help me to understand what's going on in that head of yours."

"I didn't mean to lie to you, Angel. I was afraid to tell you because I didn't want to hurt you."

"You know that lying to me does much more damage."

"I know! But I was afraid you'd be so mad at us that you'd leave and I couldn't bear that. I didn't realize it then, but it was because I was in love with you and didn't know it."

"So, what do you expect to happen here, Buffy? For Spike and I to just fall at your feet, thank you for allowing both of us your affections and live happily ever after?"

She shook her head, "I didn't expect anything. I expected nothing."

"Seems that's what you've got. Nothing." He walked out the door as sobs racked Buffy?s body.

Sinking to the floor, her heart broke inside her chest. She'd lost them. Lost them both. She knew it would go bad, she just didn't realize how colossally bad it would go. Her whole world felt as if it were crumbling around her. The ache in her chest felt like a knife tearing through her.

"Buffy, oh god, Buffy," Willow was there suddenly, holding Buffy in her arms as she sobbed. "Let's go home...to my place. I'll send Oz to get a few things, all right?"

Buffy could only nod.

"Let's go honey," Willow helped her off the floor.

Wiping furiously at her tears, Willow helped at least make her somewhat presentable before they exited the office. They walked through the crowd, hushed whispers making there way round as they strode across the room. Buffy darted a glance at Angel who stood there, stone-faced. That cut like a knife. Not because he seemed unmoved, but because Buffy knew what it was doing to him inside. Stone-faced Angel meant heart broken and despaired Angel.

It was the last thing she had wanted to do, to either of them. And, from the looks of it, it was the last thing she would ever do to them.


I really don't mean t evi evil with my cliffhangers...I guess I like them when reading a story (and hate them at the same time lol).