Damage

Buffy timidly approached the front door, glancing back once at her mother who watched from her car. Joyce’s inquisitive eyes bore into Buffy’s and Buffy shook her head no, effectively telling Joyce she could go; that she would have to handle this herself. Buffy took the key out of her purse and quietly unlocked the door. She entered the foyer and sat her bag and purse down.

“Spike?” she called out softly.

Buffy checked his study first but found it empty, save all the empty liquor bottles and papers scattered around. She next tried the kitchen but found only the same; no Spike. Did he buy out a liquor store she wondered silently?

“Spike?” she called again, more loudly.

She walked upstairs and towards their bedroom, passing by the nursery. The door was cracked open a bit. It pulled her in. She tentatively pushed the door open gently. The air was stale and choking. Buffy absently walked towards the crib and reached out her hand to touch it.

“You shouldn’t be in here”, Buffy jumped as she heard Spike’s low voice coming from a dark corner of the room.

“Spike! You scared me” Buffy said, walking closer to him.

Buffy leaned down in front of him and really took in his appearance for the first time. His clothes were wrinkled and dirty. His hair was a tousled mess of curls. His shirt was unbuttoned and what appeared to be deep cuts and scratches littered his chest.

“Oh my God, William! What have you done to yourself?” Buffy gasped, reaching out to pull his shirt away more and view his wounded flesh.

Spike scooted back away from her, “Must not touch.” He murmured.

“What did you do?” Buffy said again, more adamantly, grabbing him by the face and forcing him to look at her.

“I tried to…cut it out.” Spike said then looked down, shamefully.

“Cut it out? Cut what out?” Buffy inquired.

“My heart. It’s broken and I couldn’t fix it and it wouldn’t stop hurting so I just tried to get rid of it. I couldn’t even do that. Bollocks up everything I do.” Spike told her.

“Oh, baby…” Buffy started to cry and pulled Spike into an embrace.

“I’m a bad, rude man. You must not touch.” Spike tried pushing her away.

“Stop it, Spike. Just stop it. I need you. Do you hear me? I need you.” Buffy sobbed, clutching him harder.

“It’s all my fault. I’m a murderer. An evil soulless thing. I killed my baby, Buffy. Our baby.” Spike informed her.

“No, Spike…it wasn’t your fault. Please, baby. I love you. You scared me when I called the other day and you were drunk and my mom was so mad and I started to doubt but then I remembered how much we love each other and, I came back Spike. Mom didn’t want me to. She told me I was making the biggest mistake of my life but I know I’m not. Spike, I believe in you.” Buffy said through her tears.

“I’m so sorry, Buffy. God, I’m so sorry. I love you so much.” Spike finally returned her embrace, gripping tightly.

Buffy felt the plush pig pressed between their bodies and sobbed all the harder, finally pulling away and taking the stuffed toy away from Spike and setting it on the floor beside him.

“Let me help you”, Buffy said as she stood, trying to leverage Spike up with her. She winced in pain, the remnants of her recent childbirth kicking in below the waist.

“You have to help me out here Spike. I’m still very sore and in pain.” Buffy admitted.

Spike immediately stood upright, taking his body weight off Buffy’s slight frame. “I’m sorry luv, I’m such a stupid git…acting like an arse when you’re still healing.”

“Let’s get you to the bathroom. You smell like you haven’t washed for days.” Buffy told him truthfully.

“That’s because I haven’t. I’m filthy and disgusting, Buffy. You shouldn’t even be touching me.” Spike said, his bottom lip quivering.

“Stop saying things like that. Please, Spike.” Buffy pleaded with him.

She helped him out of the nursery and into the bathroom, making him sit on the toilet while she ran a warm bath for him. They were both silent as she helped undress him, removing his dirty clothes he had been wearing for days. Spike sank down into the water and sighed, closing his eyes. It did feel good on his grimy skin. He was starting to think he would never be clean again. His eyes popped open as he felt a soapy washcloth being run over his body. There she was, his angel, his savior, nursing him back to life. He reached one hand up to trace Buffy’s cheek and said softly, “I don’t deserve you, pet.”

“Buffy closed her eyes and pressed her cheek into his palm, “Well, that’s too bad because you’re stuck with me.”

“He was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen Buffy. So small and we didn’t even get to know him but I loved him all the same. My son, Buffy. I loved my son. Our son.” Spike wept as Buffy leaned over him, tears streaming down her own face.

“I loved him too, Spike. I wish it would’ve been me that had died and not him.” Buffy confessed.

Spike sat up abruptly, causing the water to slosh out over the side of the tub.

“Don’t ever say that, Buffy. I couldn’t have born it, if you had….” Spike trailed off, not even able to say the word died in relation to Buffy.

“I’m sorry.” Buffy looked down.

“Promise me you aren’t going to do anything stupid, Buffy.” Spike demanded.

“Me? What, you think I’m going to kill myself or something? Spike, you’re the one who tried to cut your own heart out and you’re giving ME a lecture about doing stupid things?” Buffy looked at him incredulously.

Spike looked away sheepishly, “I guess you’re right, he scratched his dirty head.

“Yuck. Come here; let me wash your hair. It’s disgusting.” Buffy grabbed the shampoo and poured a generous amount into her palm and then after telling Spike to dunk his head under the water to get his hair wet, slathered him up and scrubbed his head thoroughly.

“Christ woman! I know I’m dirty but you’re about to reach my skull if you rub any harder!” Spike protested.

“Sorry...I guess I don’t know my own strength sometimes.” Buffy lightened up her touch.

Spike reached up and gripped her hands away from his head and looked deep into her eyes, “You’re the strongest woman I know, pet and that’s not a fault.”

“I don’t feel very strong sometimes. I was so afraid, Spike. After I called you, I started to doubt and I was afraid you didn’t love me anymore. That maybe the only reason you were staying with me was because of the baby but now that there was no baby, you would leave me and I worried and worried and…and…” Buffy stumbled over what to say next.

“Bloody hell, Buffy. I thought maybe YOU wouldn’t want ME anymore without the baby. I mean, look at me. I’m an old man. You’re so young and have your whole life ahead of you and I’ve done nothing but cause damage to you.” Spike countered.

“Oh, Spike…no…I would never. I love you and you’re not THAT old, Mister.” Buffy informed him.

“You have to help me get through this Buffy. I can’t do it without you.” Spike said.

“We’ll help each other heal, Spike.” Buffy replied.

“I’m the long haul guy, Buffy, remember. I’m the guy.” Spike responded.

“I know, Spike. I shouldn’t have ever doubted but there is one thing you have to do for me” Buffy told him.

“What’s that, luv?” Spike asked.

“Throw away all your liquor. I can’t stand to see you drunk. That bottle is killing you and I just lost one boy I loved, I don’t want to lose another.” Buffy said matter of factly.

Spike looked at her guiltily, “I know baby, you’re right. It’s going to be hard but I will. I promise. I’ll get help. I’d do anything for you, Buffy.”

Finished with his washing, Spike stood up and Buffy handed him a towel to wrap around him.

“You’re probably starving. I’ll go fix you something to eat while you get dressed.” Buffy said, lightly kissing his cheek before leaving the bathroom.

Twenty minutes later, Spike had shaven and thrown on a pair of sweats and t-shirt and met Buffy down in the kitchen where she had prepared some soup and grilled cheese sandwiches.

“It’s not much but we don’t have much in the house. We need to go grocery shopping in the near future.” She informed him as she laid his plate and bowl in front of him.

“It’s perfect, Buffy. You’re perfect.” Spike said, reaching for her hand and kissing it before letting her go so she could sit down across from him at the table.

They ate in silence, stealing glances at one another here and there, both knowing that soon they would have to deal with the funeral arrangements but neither wanting to bring it up. Not today. Today was for healing. For loving. For life. Even when you lose someone so special to you, life has a way of continuing on, just as Spike and Buffy would continue on. Both were damaged but isn’t everyone a little damaged? You don’t throw a car away because it has a dent here or there. Damage gives us character, teaches us lessons, and makes us stronger. In order to know the greatness of love and life, you have to know the sadness of damage and loss.

They both knew there would be more tears and more grief but together, two damaged souls, could help repair each other. Buffy had gone from girlhood to womanhood and Spike could see it etched all over her face.

Unbeknownst to them, Joyce had returned to the house, wanting to check and make sure everything was O.K. She had knocked on the front door but no one had heard her so she let herself in with the key Buffy had made for her some time ago for emergencies. She heard voices coming from the kitchen and slowly walked there, coming to a stop in the doorway, unnoticed by the couple sitting at the table, she watched.

“This is the best grilled cheese sandwich I have ever had, Buffy.” Spike said, reaching across the table and taking her hand yet again, desiring the closeness of the skin to skin contact.

Buffy smiled at him brilliantly, her first smile since before the baby was lost. Spike smiled back at her.

Two parents, suffering the loss of their child, eating a sandwich and holding hands was the saddest and yet, the most beautiful thing Joyce thought she had ever seen. A tear slid down her face and she mentally scolded herself for having been so harsh to Spike over the course of Buffy and his relationship. It was clear to anyone how much they loved each other. She had let what Hank did to her overshadow her feelings towards Spike. It was time to set things right but not today. She silently backed out of the doorway and made her way to the front door, leaving as quietly as she came. Today was for Buffy and Spike to share a grilled cheese sandwich and just simply, be.

Continued in Chapter 26- Life Goes On

A/N: Thank you to all my readers who have waited patiently for me to update. I apologize for the long lapses inbetween.