Truth Denied

Pairings: Spander (eventually)
Appropriate Ratings: NC17 overall but this chapter... R (If I'm wrong, lemme know)
Warnings: Character death, not much else. Please let me know if I should put up something else.
Beta: LJ User jaxt99 and LJ User Laazikaat
X-posted to: -Complete list on my LJ-

Comments keep my muse well fed.

Another week passed in quiet tedium and no longer needing to pose meant he had that less to look forward to. Okay, so it was humiliating and at times uncomfortable and somewhat boring but at least it broke up the week! Now all Xander had to look forward to was more tedium. And okay, so Chad made him laugh and asked questions like he really wanted to know, like he really cared. That didn’t mean Xander was looking forward to spending more time alone with the man!

Maybe a night watching the game. Unless that’s gay speak for ‘I want to ride you till I dig you a basement’. Which is possible, and I don’t want to say that to Chad. Besides, who says he’d even want to do anything with me anyways? He’s got enough of my past to know I was a looser in high school by now and I’m not much better now. Besides, he said he did this to everyone he wanted to get to know better, he knows me better, mission accomplished! He sighed softly at his own patheticness and boredome.

Xander slouched on the sofa in Spike’s apartment, whiling away the hours while the blond had to deal with club business downstairs. He spent some time going through Spike’s eclectic music collection, Guess punk isn’t that easy to dance to trying to find something inspiring and failing miserably. I’m not the coordinator, Spike is the coordinator, I’m the ‘shut up and dance’ guy.

He eyed the door that lead downstairs and frowned to himself, trying to come up with a reason to go downstairs. I could take out the trash, that’s something to do at least and that way Spike doesn’t have to do it and I’d be all… being a good guest and stuff.

Xander puttered around the apartment, emptying trash bins and picking up garbage when he found it and filled his big green bag. He tied it off and headed for the stairs, slipping on his shoes before opening the door. Another monstrous bouquet blocked his path, Greg, again. What is the matter with that guy? Not only stalkerish but with some kind of flower fetish? And eeeeeeeew, what’s that in the middle?

Xander lifted a leaf to expose the intricate human heart that had been placed perfectly in the middle of the bouquet. He felt his bile rise and looked away, Gotta be fake. A good fake, but gotta be fake. Looking away from the heart made him see the slim card hidden in the foliage, he plucked it free with his free hand.

I’m done waiting, my pet
it’s time for you to give me your answer truthfully.
Think from your heart.

G

Even the sense of humour is all Angelusy, we’re lucky he hasn’t gone for the more creepy ways he can show his displeasure at being kept waiting. And why is he waiting? Spike said he’d tell Greg off last week! Longer! He should know Spike isn’t going to be with him. Unless he’s obsessive and decides not to take ‘no’ as an answer; that also would be an Angelusy thing, right? He sighed to himself and went downstairs, bag of trash in one hand and the bouquet held awkwardly in the other arm. After nearly dropping it the second time, Xander thought, At least Spike won’t have to see it this way. I’ll tell him about it, of course. If he asks. No wait, then I’ll just be as guilty as he was for not telling me about the other bouquet. He sighed again and opened the door, heading for the big blue dumpsters at the end of the alley, trying to think of some excuse he could come up with to go back into the club and maybe see Chad behind the bar.

No, this isn’t a new crush; this is a me being happy I have a friend rush, that’s all. I’m not going to date Chad or fuck Chad or let Chad fuck me, no. But a friend… it’s so nice having a friend.

~*~*~*~*~

Xander heard the door snick shut, and let out the breath he’d been holding. He seemed to collapse into himself on the floor. His stomach clenched painfully and he ran for the bathroom, barely making it in time before he threw up. He retched again and again, emptying himself completely before he fell shivering and silent onto the floor where he curled up into a ball beside the toilet.

Why’d I come here? I shouldn’t be here. I don’t have anywhere else to go…. Why’d I come here? I shouldn’t… I shouldn’t be here… He was having a hard time trying to catch his breath, it was odd, it felt like he’d been running a marathon, and there was still no end in sight. It just felt like he had to keep running, like something was chasing him, because something was… something was chasing him and he could smell the fetid breath washing over him.

I can’t… I gotta keep… I can’t stop. He flung himself over the bowl again, dry heaving. Giant shudders moved down his body as he slowly slid back to his fetal position beside the toilet. Is this delayed shock? It’s gotta be delayed shock. Wow, I haven’t felt this… in a very long time. Don’t think of the time before, no, don’t think, don’t think, don’t THINK, don’t THINK, don’t THINK….

~*~*~*~*~

Spike came home to an odd silence. Odd, because he wasn’t expecting it and also… because… it wasn’t totally silent. He could hear something, but it was so low he couldn’t make it out. It was repetitive, quick and changed tones… maybe… mechanical? Maybe the whelp was shaving in the bathroom. That could be it, couldn’t it?

He made his way through the apartment, turning on the lights as he went. Something felt wrong, made his bones itch and his skin crawl… and he was going to find out what. He checked the right side of the apartment first. The kitchen looked exactly like it had when Spike had left, but a little neater, like Xander had spruced things up a bit. Spare room was next, but Xander’s bags weren’t even unpacked yet, nothing was put away but nothing was disturbed either. Study and living room looked fine, empty, nothing out of place. The only thing he noticed different was that he was getting further away from the almost not there noise. He frowned to himself and worked back down the left side of the apartment.

He walked through to the master bedroom, listening intently as he got closer to the sound. No… not mechanical. Definitely not a machine. He picked up the sword he kept just inside the closet and swung it silently in the air, remembering the heft of the weapon he hadn’t touched in weeks, ever since Xander had moved in. Really should get back into that training thing…

He gripped firmly at the handle to the bathroom and stormed in, sword brandish before him with deadly grace before he even turned on the light, throat burning with the force of his animalistic cry.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*

The room was empty. There was nothing there. All he saw was something huddled in the corner between the wall and the commode, shivering.

He moved towards it, sword at the ready, cursing inwardly at himself as the tip wavered and his grip started to slip. He had to be strong, he had to kill this thing, he had to just kill it, but first he had to find out what it was. It was rocking back and forth, whimpering, in pain, and that’s when the stench hit him.

Vomit, the toilet bowl was full of it, and it hadn’t been flushed. Something wasn’t right, why was there vomit in the bowl? That’s when he saw the thing in the corner shudder in a gasp, before starting that low moaning keen again. It was Xander, good gods in the heavens, it was Xander.

Spike felt the sword slip from limp fingers to clattering on the tile. His hands were shaking as he rubbed his face with them before running them through his hair. He felt the gel give out, felt hairs pull and tug and yank out, but it was okay. It was okay because Xander was okay. Xander was okay, and he was going to make sure Xander stayed okay. Xander was okay, and everything else was okay too. His breathing returned to normal before he noticed, and he shook his head, clearing the last cobwebs.

Xander didn’t seem to have noticed any of the goings on, and that worried him. Not the noise, not Spike storming in and yelling like a banshee, not the sword clattering on the tile, nothing. “Xander?” He called out, reaching timidly for him. “Can you hear me mate?” No reaction from the shivering ball of misery.

“Xander?” Spike shook the boy’s shoulder, feeling the cold and clammy skin beneath his hand. “I’m right here Xander, I need you to come back to me now. It’s safe… nothing can get you here… I need you to come out Xander, please come out.” He kept shaking Xander’s shoulder, trying to draw the shivering human out of his handy little wedged corner.

Never before had he felt grateful for taking care of a raving lunatic for over a hundred years. He spent an hour getting Xander out of the bathroom and carried him carefully over to the guest bed, he weighed so very little for a full grown man. Gotta feed him up proper, he’s barely got any meat on these bones. He pulled the covers over Xander and sat himself down in the chair by the bed, “I’m right here Xander, not gonna leave until you come out, it’s okay, it’s safe now.”

~*~*~*~*~

He was snoring in the chair hours later when Xander finally slipped out of his regressive state. He lay confused and disoriented on the bed, trying to remember what had led up to him being snugly tucked away. His mouth tasted awful and he had a horrid headache but he couldn’t feel anything else wrong with him.

He got up quietly and sat on the edge of the bed. Spike quickly woke up and scrubbed his face. “You’re up then? Good, was startin’ to worry. What happened Xan? What happened to you?”

He looks so worried, Xander thought to himself. I must have scared him something awful, what happened? His swirling thoughts slowly stilled, letting him get a picture of what had occurred, and with it came another and another. The images built up into motion and he was remembering everything clearly, as clearly as he’d ever remembered anything.

He made a mad dash to the bathroom to dry heave in the toilet, sides cramping by the force of his retching. He registered Spike being there, a slim hand on the lower back rubbing in soothing circles gave him away. He didn’t know if he should feel ashamed or embarrassed for Spike to see him like this, so weak and defenseless, but he thought he’d left that life behind!

He wiped his mouth with toilet paper and flushed the toilet before saying softly, “I found him. I didn’t… I saw the flowers and I didn’t… The card was so glib, I just thought, I mean, I didn’t…” Spike kept rubbing his hand in circles along Xander’s back throughout the babble, silent, letting Xander say it at his own speed.

“Chad’s… I found him Spike, I found him and he was dead! Dead and dumped in the dumpster behind the club! Spike, his heart was on our doorstep, in a bouquet of flowers. I found them on the stairs and read the card and saw they were from Greg and I thought… I thought the heart was a prop, but it wasn’t Spike, it wasn’t! It was Chad’s heart, right there on the doorstep and the only reason he’s dead is because he was my friend and you have a psycho after you! I knew what kind of guy was after you and I still went on and had a life and I shouldn’t have! I put him in danger, I knew, I knew what Angelus was like, killing from the edges of the herd, but I didn’t think Spike, I didn’t think!” The torrent of words fell from his lips in a rapid babble which seemed to have been the only thing holding the tears back.

~*~*~*~*~

Spike felt numb, the more he heard the more numb he felt. He blinked back the burn of tears and refused to let them fall, stubborn in his private grief. He’d liked Chad, never mind as an employee but as a friend. The bartender was kind, funny, and thoughtful and now he was dead and it was all Spike’s fault, all because he searched for and found the one human who was as cruel as a Master Vampire in his prime.

He felt the heat radiating from Xander as he cried over the toilet bowl and pulled him close, holding him while his anger and grief tore through him. Spike felt Xander shaking in his arms, shuddering with each sob until the brunette blindly reached for him and held on tight, crying all the more.

“I killed him Spike, I killed him and he’s dead. Oh god Spike, what are we going to do now?”

“Hush, you didn’t kill him, it wasn’t you or your fault. You’re allowed a life, to have friends, to get out of the house now and again, all of it. If Greg did this, he’s the one that’s gotta pay and he will. Human law will take it from here, we’ve got nothing else to do but be honest and… and grieve.” He started petting Xander’s back again, whispering softly in his ear.

He felt Xander start to shiver in his arms and held back his own shuddering grief, Xander needed him right now and he’d do what was needed of him until he could find some time to himself and properly grieve. He gently rocked Xander and made soothing sounds as he held him.

Gonna make it up to you Xan, gonna make you smile again. I’m so sodding sorry, I’m so sorry about everything.