Hold Me Thrill Me Kiss Me Kill Me

“Did you kill Ford?”

Of all the questions Xander could have asked him, that one was the least expected. Did you kill my Father? Will you kill me? Those were the ones he’d been waiting on. Not one about some half witted human trying to play games with creatures older and more dangerous that he had ever thought about.

It was getting late. Xander had gone off to the Watcher’s house hours ago and Spike could smell the scent of tea and books and herbs that was Giles. He also had the scent of confusion and worry about him and Spike grabbed his arm and pulled him to the couch so they could sit side by side.

“Can’t say I didn’t think about it, but no, I didn’t. Could smell the sickness in him, and it was tempting, but I didn’t put one fang on him.”

“Huh.” Xander was biting at his bottom lip and it was on the tip of Spike’s tongue to offer to do that for him but his boy was deep in thought and obviously troubled.

“Why do you need to know, luv?”

“Well, Ford got vamped, and Giles kinda thinks it’s you. Except you didn’t and while Ford was sick he was healthy enough to stake a minion or two. And Buffy’s not talking about it, or swearing vengeance so I’m wondering what the hell is going on.” He sighed. “Buffy’s been acting…odd. Not that I hang around her all that much anymore anyway. But I get the feeling that I’m missing something, like I’m trying to put a puzzle together but I’m missing a corner piece and can’t figure out the picture without it.”

“Well, luv, the only thing I can say is maybe…fuck, I can’t believe I’m saying this, but maybe you should spend more time with her. Figure out what’s wrong.” He hated saying that; the words left a foul taste in his mouth. Encourage his lover to spend more time with his enemy? It was a bloody stupid thing to do and more than likely would come back to bite him on the arse.

But that’s what you did when you loved someone, helped them with their problems, and he could see Xander was worried. He was turning into such a fucking nancy-boy it wasn’t even funny.

“Yeah, maybe. It’s just…hard. I can’t talk to her about half the things I’d like to talk about. Because as much as I’d love some Buffy and Willow bonding time, I really don’t want to have to keep dancing around the whole evil boyfriend issue. I still haven’t figured out why Angel doesn’t do that vamp smelling thing and figure it out.”

Spike snorted. “That’s easy, luv. Had some mojo done, don’t usually like it but it kept me from worrying. At first I used it to cloak my presence but I had it tweaked so that Peaches can’t tell I’m anywhere near you.”

“Well, that’s good. Is that how he didn’t notice us too much when we did the hair dye thing? And do you have more because we’ve got to do that again? Deadboy is getting too tense.”

He laughed. “Pet, as much as I love the thought of annoying the shit out of Angelus, and believe me even as a fledge that was one of my favorite hobbies, I wouldn’t do it too much. Even with the soul, Liam Flinn was a drunken, sullen bastard who loved to bully.”

Xander was quiet for a moment, his eyes far away. “Hmm, that makes a weird sort of sense.” He shook his head. “Well, anyway, I can’t tell Giles that I know you didn’t kill Ford because I know when you’re being full of shit and you were telling the truth. That is one conversation I am so not ready for yet. Besides, I think I made his head spin around enough just by suggesting he get together with his old boyfriend.”

“Is that why you were asking about that Chaos Mage? Him and the Watcher used to fuck? Well now, that’s…positively out of character for a Watcher. Good for him!”

“Well, I did kind of encourage him for my own dastardly reasons.” Xander sighed and snuggled closer and Spike loved the feeling of his heartbeat and his warmth beside him.

“Dastardly? Did you say dastardly, luv? What the fuck kind of shite are you reading, Mills and Boone? That’s just…silly.”

“Yeah well, it sounds better than saying that I hope Giles gets laid before he finds out about you and me so he’ll be more relaxed. And hey, Ethan is more evil than not so that works too. He’d be all rock throwing and pot calling if he protested too much.”

“Xander, I love you but you’ve got to stop it with the similes and clichés; you screw them over all together.”

“Yeah, you’d think I would have realized that after the whole hot dog conversation but I’m no quitter, I’ve got to keep trying.”

“Git.”

“Asshole.”

It occurred to Spike that this was the moment he’d been waiting for. Xander had asked him for total honesty about Ford and it was the perfect time to tell him the truth.

He pulled back from Xander, and got a small frown in return. “Luv, Xander, I’ve got to tell you something that you’re not going to like. If it was just me I wouldn’t give a flying shite but this is about us and you’ve got to know.”

“Spike? What…”

He kissed Xander, because if his love was going to be angry and hurt he wanted to have just one more kiss. He only pulled away when the scent of Xander’s pheromones made its way to him.

“Xander, it’s about your git of a Father.”

*****

God, his life was so fucking weird. When the hell did it get that way? He couldn’t blame it all on Buffy, his next door neighbor had died at the hands of a “barbeque fork” a week before he’d run into the new blonde girl that morning outside of school. It was amazing that the local stores even sold the damn things anymore, given their tendency to attack and maim people with no explanation.

Maybe it started happening when he turned thirteen. A lot of things change when you go from being a kid to a teenager, and people start treating you different. You go to Junior High and milk doesn’t always come in those little cartons anymore and you don’t get a milk break anyhow so it doesn’t matter.

Maybe it happened even earlier than that. Maybe his life got weird the day that Jesse moved down the block and he realized his and Willow’s families were the odd ones, and that some people had parents that actually gave a crap.

Or it could have been the day he saw a red headed little girl crying over a crayon and gave her a hug and wanted to make it better.

All of those were possibilities, but it wasn’t it.

He was sitting in one of the out of the way corners of school campus. He'd gone long enough to not be missed by Giles and the girls and then skipped class. He knew he’d have to get his brain together by the time of his study period with Giles. The man didn’t miss much and, while he really needed to talk this time, Giles wasn’t the one he could confide in.

No, if he could talk to anyone it would have been Willow. But Willow didn’t know about Spike, didn’t even realize he was seriously dating someone, for god’s sake. Part of that was his fault. He was too good at hiding but he knew she didn’t want to know so she ignored things.

But Willow would have understood. At least he hoped she would. Then again, she never noticed any of the bruises or cuts or wrenched arms before, so maybe she wouldn’t.

Spike had killed his Father. Murdered him. Fuck, knowing Spike it was doubtful that his Father had left this world with all his body parts intact. He had said he didn’t want to know the details, but maybe that had been a mistake. The truth couldn’t be any worse than what his brain was coming up with.

But Spike had killed for him. To avenge him and protect him and…it was for him. Because he cared. Because Spike loved him.

And it was really weird. That this evil, undead creature whose nature was to kill had killed for him and then worried about it. Well, not about the fact that he killed. To Spike his Father had been nothing more than…well, not a cow. Spike didn’t feed from him. Maybe a rat, or a big spider. And Spike had killed the big icky spider that was bothering Xander and then worried that Xander was bothered by the fact that he squashed it.

Xander leaned back and banged his head on the stucco on the side of the building. He wondered if this was how Drusilla got crazy, contemplating the meaning of life and love and death. Then again, Angelus had killed her family because he was an asshat.

Spike had killed his Father because the man was an abusive bastard.

He had a sudden flash of memory. It was one of those weird feelings like they talked about on crap shows like Maury or Oprah. He was little, like three or four, and had looked out his bedroom window and had seen a monster looking back at him.

He remembered running to his parents, throwing himself in the bed in between them and crying.

He remembered how his Father had picked up his shoe and started hitting him on the ass, saying how he was a big boy now and big boys don’t cry like little sissies. Big boys didn’t imagine monster. Big boys didn’t lie.

And he knew, he knew, that that was the moment his life got weird. Not because he’d seen a monster, and fuck if he knew what kind of demon he must have seen. No, it had gotten weird right then, because most parents would have let their kid sleep with them or even maybe given him a hug and gotten him a drink of water. Then they would have taken him by the hand and led him back to his room and pointed out that there were no monsters but they’d leave the door cracked with the hall light on so he wouldn’t get scared.

When he got up from school this morning he had told Spike that he would be okay, but now he knew he’d be okay. He had never wanted his Father dead but then again, Spike hadn’t asked him. Spike had just done what he always did, protected someone he cared about. Xander had read enough of the Watchers' Diaries to know that.

So he’d go to class and put on his “Happy Xander” face and act normal and he’d go home to his lover who just happened to be an evil vampire and maybe they’d go somewhere this weekend. Because it was going to be okay.

His Father may not have cared enough to cherish him, but Spike did. Spike had killed the monster for him. And that was all that mattered.

*****