BAD ANGEL

A/N: well, RL continues to kick my butt but I do try to write when I can. To be honest though, I've had to postpone posting this chapter until I wrote most of the following one, just to make sure all the details work out. You guys have been incredible - thanks. I hope you enjoy it.


Part 23

Gradually Lindsey climbed the stairs to the master suite, his mind slowly digesting his shocking discovery. He didn’t know what to think. He was angry and frustrated but mostly he was hurt. Somehow learning that Angel had Holtz killed was no surprise. If anything the surprise really was that he never suspected his cousin was behind Holtz’s sudden demise. But the knife through the heart was that Angel lied to him all this time. Even worse that he had that weasel Travers do it. He felt such a fool.
Shaking his head at the mess their lives had become, he slowly walked back to Buffy, considering his options. What was he going to do?

Approaching the master suite, Lindsey barely knocked once before Buffy eagerly pulled the door open.
“Lindsey?” She asked in surprise. At his questioning look she amended, “Sorry, I thought it might be Angel.”
Taking a brief moment to find his voice after she nearly pounced on him, he responded, “Um, no, it’s just me.”
Her fears of how Angel might react deepening, she nervously asked, “W-What did he say?”
“Um, he didn’t.”
“He didn’t?”
“Well, I mean I didn’t … tell him, I decided to wait.”
“Wait? You don’t think we should tell him anymore?”
“No, we should tell him, and we will, but not right now.” Seeing her puzzlement he added, “I think we should know for sure before telling him … no need to make a big deal if it’s a false alarm.”
Although somewhat uncertain, she agreed skeptically, “If you think that’s best.”
“I do.”
“Ok, so what now?”
“Tomorrow I will go out and pick up a few home pregnancy tests for you. We’ll decide what to do after we get the results, ok?”
“Ok.”
“Until then, try to relax. I know that’s easier said than done but try to take your mind off it, we’ll deal with it tomorrow.”
“Well what about Angel and the doctor? What if he decides to take me before you get back?”
“Don’t you worry about Angel, I’ll take care of him.”

A short while later Angel returned to find Buffy alone watching television.
“Where’s Lindsey?”
“He left a few minutes ago.”
“He did?”
“Yeah, he said he needed to take care of something that couldn’t wait but he thought you’d be back soon.”
“What could have possibly been so important that he would leave you alone when I asked him explicitly to stay with you until I returned?”
“Don’t be angry with him Angel, I’ve been fine all evening, a few minutes alone isn’t going to harm me. See, I’m still here.”
Softening, he sat next to her “Well I would have preferred he let it wait, after last night I really don’t want you left alone.”
“Again with the overbearing …”
Touching her, “I care about you is all.”
Looking at him for a moment she nodded, “I know.” Then cautiously she asked, “How was your meeting?”
Seeing the worry in her eyes, “I still wish you would see a doctor but forcing you to would only be counterproductive. But I do have some information that you should at least consider. We can talk about it tomorrow, ok?”
“Ok.”
Snuggling against him when he pulled her into his arms, she closed her eyes, trying not to think of her situation.


In his suite, Lindsey stared at the picture of he and his mother at his law school graduation. His memories of that day clear. Kate was so proud of him. She had hoped that he would turn from the life his father and uncle lived, that he would find a nice young woman to settle down with, have a few kids and pursue something decent and honest. That was partly why she encouraged him to change his last name. She didn’t want his future smeared by their transgressions. And for a while it wasn’t. He had a promising career and he was beyond thrilled when he and his classmate Lilah eventually started their own law firm. It was tough in the beginning but eventually they had some success and were doing well. Of course they did even better after Angel began throwing work their way. After that much of their practice was devoted to providing legal services to Angel, although the books didn’t show it. Nonetheless, despite Kate’s words of caution, it wasn’t long before his life and career were deeply entwined with Angel’s.

As for the nice young woman, well, he found her but she preferred Angel. But he didn’t blame Angel for that. All along he had considered her only a friend and before he realized his true feelings she and Angel were an item. In fact, it was seeing her on Angel’s arm one night that made his feelings clear to him. But he was not bitter about it. Over the years he had come to accept losing Cordy and was content with being fairly good friends. To be honest, in remaining platonic he was closer to her than Angel was in some ways. He was the one she called whenever she and Angel had a problem; it was his shoulder she cried upon. But he never considered crossing that line with her as Holtz did with Darla. He had his opportunity with Cordelia and he let it slip away. But she still meant a lot to him and he would never forgive himself for not standing up for her that night at the hangar. That’s partly why he tried to befriend Buffy. As hard as it was for him to watch Angel replace Cordy with Buffy, he knew she had tried to help her and he didn’t want her sacrifice to be in vain. But still he couldn’t bring himself to betray Angel. They were cousins, best friends, they’d been through it all together and they told each other everything. At least he thought they did. But here Angel had hidden his role in Holtz’s death for nearly fifteen years now. Clearly he didn’t know Angel as well as he thought and he began to question what else Angel might be hiding from him. Maybe Buffy was right all along. Perhaps he was living in the past and the Angel he knew no longer existed. Was he that blind? Could he have been that wrong about him? He wasn’t sure what to do but one thing was certain, this thing with Buffy had gone too far. What he first thought was an idle threat had escalated into a complete disaster that could ruin them all. He had to do something. Considering his options he made a mental note to pick up the pregnancy tests for Buffy. Everything depended on her.


The next day after breakfast Buffy and Angel sat discussing the doctors Quentin had recommended while playing another game of Risk when Lindsey knocked. Upon seeing him, Angel remarked, “Is everything in order?”
Briefly puzzled, “In order?”
“Yes, the crisis that needed tending to so urgently that you left Buffy alone last night, were you able to take care of it?”
Seeing what Angel was really getting at, he gritted his teeth in restraint, “I do apologize for that. Buffy was doing much better and there were a few things I needed to follow-up on.” Then opening his briefcase, he pulled out a few documents for Angel to read.
Standing patiently as Angel scanned the papers, Lindsey focused on controlling his anger. He had expected this and thankfully was prepared for it. Informing Angel that the feds were investigating Warren was the perfect thing to compel him to leave Buffy long enough for her to take the pregnancy tests. As he waited his eyes momentarily met hers. She seemed uncomfortable with the sudden tension between he and Angel but thankfully chose to remain silent during their exchange.
After a few moments, Angel looked up curiously, “Did he bring this up when he called?”
“He did but I needed to look into a few things first.” Then, “I was to mention this earlier but after … everything, I got a bit sidetracked.”
Briefly pensive, Angel looked across to Buffy, “I’m sorry my dear, would you mind continuing when I return?” He gestured to the game.
Purposely keeping her voice level, “No, that’s fine.”
“Lindsey … would you mind?”
“Not at all … and this time I’ll stay no matter what.”
A few minutes later Angel was prepared to head out. He would have preferred taking Buffy with him but this was one of his unsavory business dealings and he didn’t want to expose her to it. Kissing her goodbye, “I’ll try to keep this brief my love.”
Shortly after Angel left Lindsey opened his briefcase again and pulled out a brown paper bag, which he wordlessly passed to Buffy. Inside were four home pregnancy tests.
Seeing what was inside, she quietly left the table for the bathroom.

Some minutes later all four tests were positive. Buffy sat, staring as they confirmed what she had denied for so long. She was pregnant.
Standing on the other side of the room, Lindsey watched her worriedly, hoping she wouldn’t withdraw again. After a few moments he asked gently “How do you feel about this?”
“I’m not sure. I’m still stuck on the ‘I’m pregnant’ part.”
“That’s understandable. Do you need a few moments alone?”
“No, not really. I don’t think it’ll get much better, or worse.”
“I realize this is painful and you may not be ready to think about this but since you shouldn’t be too far along you do have some time to decide if you want this child.”
Stunned, “W-What do you mean?”
“You know exactly what I mean … do you want this child?”
After a moment, “I-I don’t know.”
“Well I don’t want to rush you but you do need to think about this …”
“But does it matter? How could I? I mean, smuggling pregnancy tests in to me is one thing, but sneaking me out, especially for something like that, is a different matter altogether. Angel will find out and it’s not like he is going to give me the choice, he would never agree to …”
“But if you had the choice?”
Looking up at him briefly, “I honestly don’t know. I don’t think I’m in the best place to make that decision.”
“So you would consider keeping it?”
“Yes, I would consider it. I may not be ready to be a mother … but I’m not sure I can choose not to be.”
“I get that.” For a few moments he paced the room, then “You know I never imagined Angel fathering a child. Cordelia always wanted kids but Angel was always careful about using protection. As you can tell, he’s not exactly a family man. But in this case I think you’re right, he would want this child.”
“Cordelia wanted kids with him?”
“Yes, she wanted to marry him and have a family, of course that was before …” His voice trailed off, then at her stunned expression, “It’s not that surprising.”
“Well to me it is … why would she want anything to do with him?”
“Ah, but surely you know that Angel didn’t pursue her the way he went after you. He wasn’t after revenge when he lured her into his bed. Granted, she knew who he was but she only saw the charming and tender side of him, at least for the most part. And even when things got rough between them, he was never violent with her. Not until …” Then pointedly looking at her, “Don’t act so shocked, I’m sure you’ve gotten a taste of the man she fell in love with.”
When she looked away nervously, he pressed, “Come on Buffy, you’ve been sharing your bed with him for a while now, I’m sure it hasn’t been entirely horrible.”
Indignant, “I have no idea what you’re talking about.”
“Well, perhaps it’s my imagination but you don’t seem to be resisting him the way you used to.”
“Well that could be because Angel isn’t doing anything for me to resist.”
“Perhaps but I know not too long ago he wouldn’t have been able to kiss you, let alone … do anything else.”
Glaring at him momentarily, “He told you I see …”
“Actually he didn’t, which is surprising because he usually does, but it doesn’t take a genius to know what’s going on.”
“Yeah well desperate times call for desperate measures.”
“Is that what this is?” When she shifted uncomfortably he pressed her, “Buffy, I know you didn’t suddenly fall for him but I’ve seen the way you two are with each other, the way you look at him when you think no one’s watching. I don’t believe that was all an act.”
“Believe what you want, it doesn’t matter.”
Watching her closely, “Can you honestly say you feel nothing for him?”
Standing, she walked across the room briefly then folding her arms, looked him in the eye “Not too long ago I hated him so much I could scream, I was ready to kill him.”
“And now?”
“Now … after everything … I don’t know.”
Taking a deep breath, “I do feel something for him … I’m not sure what it is, it’s not hatred, not anymore … but it’s certainly not love either. The only way I can think to describe it is that I’m gradually coming to … understand him.”
“You don’t think you could ever love him?”
“No.” At his questioning look she elaborated, “It’s not that I don’t get that he’s sorry. I know he is. I may never fully understand what drove him to it but there is no doubt in my mind he would take it all back if he could. But the fact is he can’t.”
Then before he could interrupt, “Look, I’m not blind. I know how he feels about me: his efforts haven’t been completely lost on me. Maybe that’s why I can manage to be close to him. But no matter how gentle and patient he is, no matter how tempting it is to see only this softer side of him, the truth is I know his darker side will always be there. Each time he touches me I can’t help but wonder how long it’ll be before he turns violent again or if he’ll stop if I ask him to. Even if he never hurts me again, those doubts will always be there.”
“But don’t you think he can change?”
“Change? That’s just it. He has changed so much that the more I get to know him the harder it is to reconcile this nice Angel with the mean one. I keep wondering if he’s being honest with me or just concealing his true face until I let my guard down.”
Then, “Cordelia may not have known what he was really like but I do and I cannot pretend it doesn’t exist. Someday I may be able to forgive him but I can’t forget all that happened, the violence, the threats, the sick joy in his eyes when he raped me. How can I love someone even capable of that? And no matter what he does, he can’t make that side of him disappear; it’s part of his nature. I don’t trust him … or my feelings for him.”
“Have you told him this?”
“I’ve tried but he’s convinced that if he holds onto me long enough then one day I’ll wake up and see how much he really loves me and how perfect we are for each other and change my mind. But really all it means is that he’d rather I live in this prison without love or happiness as long as I’m his. And that’s what angers me so much, he is still so incredibly selfish that he refuses to see that I simply can’t live like this … and now with a baby …”
“If you feel this way then why were you doing this?” He gestured to the bed.
When she looked away he asked, “You were going to run again weren’t you?”
“I wasn’t going to run.” She answered honestly.
“But you were going to do something?”
She looked away again.
Taking a deep breath, “Buffy, listen to me please. I will do what I can but please, I cannot stress this enough, please do not do anything that would anger Angel. You’re right, he will find out that you’re carrying his child and although I doubt he would ever hurt you again please don’t give him reason to. Do you understand me?”
Hearing the desperate plea in his voice, she looked at him curiously. What exactly did he mean by doing what he could? Would he help her terminate the pregnancy if she chose to or did he mean something else? As much as she wanted to believe that he would really help her escape, she refused to let her guard down with him. At this point she couldn’t bear another disappointment.
“Do you?” He asked again.
Ignoring the temptation to probe, she answered honestly “I won’t do anything.”
“Good, I will hold you to that. Anyway, in the meantime, just relax and behave normally. I need a few days to figure some things out first but I will get back to you. I’m sure you can use that time to do some thinking as well.” She shifted uncomfortably when he pointedly glanced at her abdomen. “But for now let’s clean up in here before Angel returns.” The two then gathered the pregnancy tests and put them in the paper bag for Lindsey to dispose of.

Later that evening Lindsey sat in his suite mulling over his conversation with Buffy. He had already decided that he would do something about the situation but after speaking with her his next move was now clear. He needed to know her true feelings before he acted. If there was a chance that she could love Angel he would consider another path, but her feelings were rational and without malice. And she was honest; whether she rejected Angel or not, she would remain his prisoner. It was enough. He had allowed Angel to destroy too many lives but now with a baby on the way, he wasn’t going to let him ruin another. But he needed time to pull it off and more importantly he needed Buffy to distract Angel.

That night Buffy lay in bed with Angel, her mind racing. What was going on with Lindsey? Something didn’t seem right but she wasn’t sure what to make of it. Was he helping her now or was he still playing matchmaker? She was so confused. She could almost feel her luck was about to change but she was also scared to death that it might be yet another false promise. Whatever might be happening, she needed to stay calm so as not to rouse suspicions. If Lindsey really was trying to help her, she wasn’t about to blow it.

A few days passed without incident as Lindsey set his plan in motion. It was easier than he thought it would be thanks to Buffy. Not that he wished her harm but her fragile emotional state was the perfect distraction for Angel, albeit unwittingly so, and gave him complete access to Angel’s office. And since he had been standing in for Angel so much lately, no one even questioned it when he accessed certain documents. He couldn’t have planned it better himself.


It was a Sunday morning when Gunn’s cell phone rang. From the display he knew it was his boss. Excusing himself from the meeting with Giles and Spike, he stepped out onto the nearby terrace. Somehow he knew this would be an intense conversation.
During his absence, Giles and Spike continued the discussion.
”So it looks like Agent Walker is in the clear but Agent Meirs has some tough questions to answer. The man gambles more than he could possibly make as an agent and he has left a rather sloppy trail of fixed cases in his wake. No doubt his career is over but he better start singing if he wants to get out of prison before he qualifies for Social Security.”
“That would be wise. Of course now the FBI is pulling some political strings to access the name on the account where the wire transfers originated from but everything certainly points to Rayne.”
“You know Meirs was always a ponce but I had no idea he was a bloody traitor. And all this time, he was here, watching us, informing Rayne about everything.”
“So it appears. Gunn also suspects that he was the one who told Rayne about Ms. Chase.”
“Bloody hell … we led the bastard right to her. If we hadn’t sent Meirs to ‘protect’ her Rayne might never have known …”
“Precisely … she might never have been assaulted and Rayne might not have had enough time to escape with Buffy.”
“God, that makes me feel like shit.”
“Well it certainly does nothing for morale but how could we have known? It was truly unfortunate that Ms. Chase’s involvement …” Giles’ voice trailed off when Gunn returned, a look of utter shock on his face. “Gunn, what is it? Is there a problem?”
Looking up, “Not a problem … a fucking godsend! We just got the lead of a lifetime!”


tbc ...