Quantum Xander II: In Wake of the Curse

Part 23

Hallie lied. The words were still ringing in his ears hours later. He was distracted - that was the only explanation for why he had let everyone go on thinking that Dawnie was a potential. If he had been paying attention, he would have noticed right away that it wasn’t her. Dawn didn’t give off the same vibe as the other girls, she was definitely something more than normal, but it wasn’t slayer power that made her hum - it was something else entirely.

Buffy had commandeered Spike to help train the potentials, and he was left with Willow and Tara while Tara performed a tracking spell to find the newest potential - one of Sunnydale’s own, even.

If he had been paying attention, he would have noticed when Dawn slipped out; he wouldn’t have just sat there while the poor girl went through her own personal hell. It was bad enough knowing that you were the creation of monks and mystical energies. It was bad enough to have had a hell god try to kill you and open the barriers between worlds; but to finally think it’s over - that you’re just another teenage girl now, only to find out you’re a slayer-in-waiting? He couldn’t imagine what she was going through. He waited while Tara did another spell to find Dawn; Willow had gone off to call Buffy on her cell phone. Dawn was at the high school - big shock there.

It was good that Buffy and Spike had arrived when they had, otherwise Xander would have blown his cover for sure - there was no way he would have let that vamp or the Bringers touch Dawnie. No way.

So, now here he was, after all the excitement had died down, still reeling from the words Dawn had spoken - that maybe his power was knowing, seeing things. She didn’t know how right she was. He did see things - like that spell to banish the ubervamp. He knew things, too. When it counted, he knew exactly what to do without even thinking about it. He had a barroom full of kitten demons to attest to that.

All in all, it had been a hell of a night. He was glad to be home - even though Buffy had decided to keep Spike at her place tonight. Maybe it was for the best; they were both acting like skittish virgins around the other right now. Some space just might be the thing. Xander took out his journal; he looked at Spike’s and debated on checking it for poems. Shaking his head, he opened his own journal; he wasn’t ready to know yet. Maybe after he came to terms with what Anya had told him.


Halfrek lied.

Anya told me tonight, during an impromptu dinner date. Hallie didn’t change things back. She lied to me, just to hurt me. And I should be surprised, why? Hello? Demon. She didn’t actually have the authority to change anything, at least not anything major. Spike and Dawn are still in the reality I left them in, the Spike that Angel drained is still dust, and the Spike and Xander that I helped to get together are still together - living in sin with the Buffybot! Hee hee.

But she did manage to screw with a few things; the spell I gave Willow - the permanent soul restoration - was destroyed. So, God only knows what happened there. I just hope Spike and Angel didn’t give each other a moment of pure happiness. Bitch! It seems that anything tangible that I left behind was destroyed - as if I hadn’t been there, but the people who died, or the people who shifted with me are still the same. Which is good, ’cause the thought of Riley Finn being resurrected makes my blood boil!

Now I understand why Anya wanted to know about Spike and me. This Spike, that is. See, I no longer have to worry about her sending him back to his dimension. If I find a spell, I can use it right away. I don’t have to find a way to take care of Halfrek first. I guess Anya was worried that I would have to choose between my lover and my friend. She wanted to spare me that. I really love her, I’m glad we’re friends.

So, now I need to find a spell. I looked in my book - stared at the pages until I thought I’d burn a hole through them - no luck. I guess it’s just not time yet, or it isn’t in there. Damn it! I need to find the damn thing. I can’t keep on like this; I need Spike.

I dreamed that he bit me last night. Then I woke with a fresh bite on my neck. I don’t know what happened, whether it really happened, or whether Spike - this Spike - bit me. He slept with me last night. In the sleeping sense of the word, not the groiny sense. Of course, that doesn’t explain why we made out in the bathroom like a couple of horny teenagers.

Yep. That’s right. I had sort-of-sex with Spike. We were fully dressed, or at least he was. I was in a towel, but there was a lot of rubbing against each other and we both came, so therefore, sex. In the sort-of sense. But no kissing. At least there wasn’t kissing. That would have made it far too personal - too intimate.

He bit me. I asked for it. Hell I practically begged for it. He started it. No, actually I did, but I didn’t know he was there. I was still bleeding from the bite I woke up with, and I stuck my fingers to the wound - then I sucked them into my mouth. I guess from a vampire’s point of view, that could be considered erotic. It must have been to Spike, ’cause he grabbed me, and the next thing I knew he was licking the trail of blood off my chest - up to my shoulder- and then suckling at the wound.

I lost it. I grabbed him, pulled him close, and begged for more. He bit. I wrapped my leg around him like a slut and humped for all I was worth. He did too. So, sort-of-sex was had in the bathroom. Now we’re all weird with each other. Spike was almost blushing when I saw him tonight. I swear, if vamps could blush, he would have been as red as Willow’s hair. I wasn’t much better. I was torn between embarrassment and arousal. I wanted to touch him, and I was embarrassed that I wanted to.

I can’t keep this up. I miss my lover, my Spike, but I want this Spike. I want to touch him, kiss him. I want to find out if he tastes the same, if he’d moan the same way if I were to bite his collarbone. I want to know if he’d scream my name as I drove inside him hard and fast.

I’m scum. I’m worse than scum. I’m falling for Spike. For a souled version of the demon I love. How is it even possible? Okay, William has always been a big part of who Spike is, even before the soul. Even I could see that. So, I guess maybe it’s not so hard to believe that I could fall for this Spike. But what about my Spike? How do I explain this to him? Better yet, how do I explain it to this Spike? Should I explain it to him? I mean, yeah, he’s obviously attracted to me on a physical level and he likes me as a friend but he told me himself that it can’t happen again, that he loves Buffy.

And, I think Buffy loves him too. Or she could, at least. If she’d let herself. I can’t hurt her like that. I have a Spike of my own; having them both - while a nice idea - would be greedy.

I need sleep. Tomorrow I’ll call L.A. and talk to Angel, see if he has any ideas about how to get Spike back. If I have to, I’ll go with the “bring Spike back human and have him turned” option. Maybe this Spike would do it? God, how Freudian - siring oneself. I’m sure somewhere, some psychiatrist would have a field day with this one!

Xander closed his book, put it back in the drawer and turned off the light. He snuggled into his pillow, breathing in the lingering traces of Spike’s scent and drifted into a peaceful slumber.