Soul Mates

I've created a new mailing list, Ravenhawk's Fanfic. It's going to serve as an archive for Soul Mates and the rest of my fiction. I'll continue to post new chapters of Soul Mates here, but there may be things I'll post to that list that I won't post anywhere else. I haven't decided yet.

Feel free to head on over and sign up. Here's the address:

http://groups.yahoo.com/group/ravenhawkfic/

Now on with the story. Thanks to Pete for helping out with this part. Also, thanks very much to everyone who's given me feedback and suggestions. I really appreciate it.

****

Xander looked around, trying to get his bearings. He wasn't quite sure how he'd managed to get lost on the UC Sunnydale campus, but here he was, entering the same courtyard for the second time. He was coming in from a different direction, but this was definitely the same place he'd been just a few minutes ago - there was no mistaking the large building that housed the library directly ahead of him.

*Well, it's a big campus,* he tried to console himself. *Anyone could get lost here. Besides, they added on to it over the summer.* And sure, he'd been out here before, but that had usually been when there was supernatural nastiness to deal with - he hadn't exactly had time for a tour of the campus.

There was no supernatural nastiness happening today, thankfully. In fact, it was a very nice day - it had been raining off and on for the past few days, but today the sky was clear and although it was breezy, the light jacket he had on was more than adequate. A good day to surprise his girls at school and take them out to lunch - or so Xander had thought, anyway. He hadn't anticipated having this much trouble finding them.

He paused briefly to consider what to do next. He could head back to where he'd parked; there was a map of the campus there, which would hopefully be all he'd need to find the building where his girls were in class right now. But, glancing at his watch, he quickly decided he didn't have time for that. It was only a few minutes until noon, which was when Willow and Tara's class ended - they had class together today - and since they didn't know he was planning to meet them here, he doubted that they'd stick around for very long.

Better to just ask for directions. He was fairly sure that he was in the right general area, after all. There weren't too many people around yet, since classes were still going, but there were a few students scattered about, so Xander approached a small group gathered in front of the doors to the library.

"Excuse me," he said. The students ceased their conversation and turned to face him, and he gave them a friendly smile. "Hi. I'm looking for Meyers Hall. Could you tell me where to find it?"

One of the students, a slim brunette girl, returned his smile before answering him. "Sure," she said. "It's just on the other side of the library here. There's paths around, but if you're in a hurry, you can go straight through."

"Thanks," Xander replied. "I appreciate the help." He turned and made his way up to the library doors, and behind him, he could hear the students resume their conversation. He stepped through the doors and, passing through a short hall, he found himself in the main room of the library.

Slowing his pace a bit, Xander took a look around as he walked through the library. There were a good many students here, either sitting at tables studying or standing at the shelves looking through books. He made it halfway through before suddenly stopping beside the large central desk.

He took another long look around, and couldn't help feeling a vague sense of curiosity as he did. What would have happened if he'd decided to try going to college? Would he have been able to handle it? UC Sunnydale was far from the hardest school out there, but then again, he hadn't done very well in high school, so....

Still, how much of that was because he just hadn't tried very hard? He'd always hated studying, and once he'd decided he wasn't going to college, there was no reason to put any more effort into it. He'd done just enough to graduate, and that was that. He figured that he'd just make his own way after high school as best he could.

But things were different now. He didn't just have himself to think about anymore. He was in a serious relationship with two wonderful women, and if he wanted things to work between them, he had to start putting what would be best for all three of them ahead of his own personal likes and dislikes.

And that meant he had to start thinking about where he was going in his job. Sure, he'd made supervisor really quickly, but if he wanted to go much higher in the construction business, taking at least a few college classes would be a big help. It would probably mean a good deal more money in the long run, which they'd need if....

Xander stopped abruptly as he realized what he was thinking. He'd only been with Willow and Tara for a couple of months now, but he was already thinking about a future with them. It was a little scary, thinking along those lines, but it also just felt... right.

Except for one thing. They were still on a Hellmouth. And that made any kind of long-term thinking a dangerous proposition. How could he plan for the future when there was a very real possibility that he could be killed before the day was over? Or that Willow or Tara could be, for that matter?

And, god, *that* thought was too horrible to even contemplate. Even just his mind flashing on it for a second was enough to make him feel sick inside.

But the fact of the matter was, there was nothing he could do about it. The simple truth was that as long as they lived on a Hellmouth, there would be danger. He was just going to have to accept that, even if it was much harder to do so now then it had been back when he was single.

But still....

"Can I help you?"

A voice to his left broke Xander's train of thought, and he turned to see a young man looking at him from behind the library counter.

"I'm fine," Xander snapped. He instantly regretted the harshness in his tone - this guy hadn't done anything wrong, after all - so he quickly spoke again. "Sorry. I'm fine," he repeated more gently, giving the man a quick smile. "You startled me, is all. But thanks."

The librarian looked at him askance for a moment, but then nodded and turned away, moving to the other end of the counter. After he'd left, Xander sighed and shook his head, then turned and resumed his trek across the library. He couldn't afford to waste any more time worrying about things he couldn't change.

But when he reached the doors opposite the ones he'd come in by, he stopped again. There was a rack full of class schedules for the next semester beside the door, and on impulse, he picked one up. It couldn't hurt to at least look at what he could take next semester. Registration was still a few weeks away, so he had plenty of time to think about it.

Stuffing the schedule into one of his jacket pockets, Xander stepped outside and quickly spotted Meyers Hall across another courtyard. Hurrying over to the building, he walked inside and made his way past the students just getting out of class to Tara and Willow's classroom. He arrived just in time to see the doors open and students begin exiting out into the hall, and it didn't take long before he spotted his girls making their way through a small crowd just outside the classroom.

Just seeing Willow and Tara made Xander feel a little better. They were dressed simply - both of them were in jeans, and Willow had on a dark red T-shirt, while Tara was in a pink blouse - but they looked amazing nonetheless. And the way they both smiled when they saw him only made them more beautiful.

Xander couldn't help smiling back at them as they approached. "Hey, Xander," Willow said, walking forward and hugging him. He hugged her back, and they held their embrace for a few seconds before stepping away from each other.

"Hey, sweetie," Tara said, giving him a hug of her own. "What's up?" she asked after they separated. "We didn't expect to see you here."

"Yeah, I wanted to surprise you," Xander said. "I thought we could go to lunch. Are you free?"

"Yep," Willow replied cheerily. "We were just going to go home anyway."

"And I didn't have anything special planned for lunch," Tara added.

"Great," Xander said. "Let's go, then. I parked over on the other side of the library." The three of them fell in step together and made for the main doors of the building, walking slowly to get through the crowds.

"So did you have any place in mind?" Willow asked once they were outside. They turned toward the library, but instead of heading for the doors, they started down one of the paths that went around it instead. There were students everywhere on the grounds, but except for the occasional guy casting an appreciative glance at Willow or Tara, none of them seemed to pay them any particular attention.

"Yeah," Xander replied. "There's a sandwich place not too far from here that's pretty good. We get lunch there for work, sometimes." He fell silent for a moment as they made their way past a large group of students gathered around a notice board. "So how was class?" he asked when they were clear of the crowd.

"Oh, it was great," Willow enthused. "Sociology is really interesting. And we covered a lot of stuff today."

Xander glanced at Tara out of the corner of his eye as Willow continued, and the two of them exchanged brief smiles. Their girlfriend's excitement was always a great thing to see, and Xander found himself listening attentively as Willow chattered on animatedly all the way to the car.

****

Xander found himself in a very good mood when he got up the next morning. After lunch yesterday, Xander had dropped Tara and Willow off back at school and returned to work, and the rest of the day had passed pleasantly enough. He'd hurried home after quitting time, eager to see his girls again, and they'd spent the evening at home together, which was fast becoming a pleasant routine for all of them. All in all, it'd been a very good day.

It was Friday, which meant that Willow and Tara didn't have any classes, so they didn't get up when he did. He tried to be as quiet as possible as he went about his morning routine, but after he'd gotten done showering, he went back into their bedroom to get dressed and found the bed empty. He could hear Willow and Tara talking in the kitchen, so he dressed quickly and walked out to join them.

Crossing their living room, Xander saw Willow, in her bathrobe, sitting at their dining table. She'd turned her chair and was facing into the kitchen, looking at Tara, who was in her robe as well, closing up a tupperware container. His girls smiled when they saw him, and Tara stepped forward, giving him a soft kiss.

"Hey sweetie," she said, handing him the tupperware container. "I packed a lunch for you."

"Thanks," Xander replied, smiling back at her. He kissed her again and ran one hand down her arm, grasping her hand and giving it an affectionate squeeze. Then he set the container down on the table and stepped over to where Willow was sitting, and he leaned down and gave her a kiss as well.

"So what do you two have planned for today?" he asked, laying one hand on Willow's shoulder and looking from her to Tara.

"Lots of studying," Willow replied. "Oh! Speaking of that...." She abruptly stood up and hurried into the living room, returning a moment later with the class schedule he'd picked up yesterday.

"I noticed this on the floor underneath your jacket a few minutes ago," Willow said. "It's yours, right?"

Xander nodded. "Yeah. I picked it up yesterday. It must've fallen out of my jacket pocket."

"What made you decide to pick up a UC Sunnydale class schedule?" Tara asked.

"I was thinking about trying to get in. Maybe part time," Xander said, shrugging. "Just take a class or two next semester, nothing big."

"Xander, that's great!" Willow exclaimed. She had a big smile on her face, and Xander could tell that she was bubbling over with barely contained excitement. "We can be study buddies! We should figure out what you want to take, you know Tara and I still have some basic requirements left, so we might even be able to get classes together...." She started back to her chair, but stopped when Xander held up his hand.

"Whoa. Hold on," he said. "Let's not get too far ahead of ourselves, here. I said I was *thinking* about taking a class or two. I haven't actually decided anything yet."

Willow's face fell. "Really?" she said. "But why *wouldn't* you want to do it? UC Sunnydale isn't hard to get into, I know you could make it...." She trailed off, looking at him questioningly, and Xander shifted uncomfortably under her gaze.

"Well, there are lots of reasons, actually," Xander replied. He hesitated for a moment upon seeing the disappointed look in Willow's eyes, but continued nonetheless. "For one, college classes cost money, and if I end up flunking, that money's wasted. May as well just... burn it, or something."

"I don't think you'd fail, Xander," Tara offered. He could tell that she was trying to make him feel better, and he appreciated that, but he wasn't sure he could accept her reassurances so easily.

"Yeah, Xander, come on," Willow said. "I can understand you being worried about that, but you can't let it stop you. You'll do fine."

"It's not just that," Xander said.

"Well, what is it?" Willow asked, frustration creeping into her tone. "Come on, Xander, this is really important."

Xander sighed. How could he possibly explain this to Willow? School had always been one of the most important things in her life, as far back as he could remember - probably because she'd always been great at it. He seriously doubted that she was going to understand his point of view on this.

Still, he had to try to make her see where he was coming from. "I don't know that there's any reason for me to go back," he said.

"What do you mean? Of course there's a reason," Willow said.

"And what would that be, huh?" Xander asked, starting to get irritated. "I'm never going to be a scholar or anything. I think we all know that. And as for it helping out with work? I still don't even know what I want to do for a living. I mean, the construction business is okay for now, but I don't know if it's something I want to still be doing a few years from now."

"Well it's not like you'd have to pick a major right away," Tara spoke up. "I still haven't decided on mine, after all."

Sighing again, Xander ran a hand through his hair. "That's not the point," he said. "The point is I'm still not sure if I even want to try going to college, and if I don't know what I'm going to be doing for a living...."

"Xander, that's not the only reason to go back to school," Willow said, interrupting him.

Tara seemed to pick up on Xander's discomfort, because she turned from him to Willow and caught her eyes. "Willow, honey, he's not sure about this," she said. "This is his decision. We should...."

"No," Willow interrupted again, and the stubborn look on her face was one that Xander knew well from when they were kids. She wasn't going to let go of this easily. "There are other reasons to go to college," she insisted, turning back toward Xander. "If not to help you get a job, then just to...." She held one hand up in front of her, clearly having trouble finding the words for what she wanted to say. "You know, to better yourself," she finished after a moment's hesitation.

"Better myself?" Xander shot back. "So I'm not good enough if I *don't* do this?"

As soon as the words were out of his mouth, Xander instantly regretted both what he'd said and the anger in his tone. Tara flinched at his outburst, and Willow looked torn between shock and rising anger. He wished he could take what he'd said back, but it was too late for that now, and what was even worse was that he couldn't find the words for an apology.

"I didn't say that," Willow replied, anger clearly winning out over surprise. Xander could see how tense she was from her expression and the way she was holding on to the class schedule as she continued. "God, I can't believe you sometimes. You can be such a... a...." She fell silent abruptly, but she didn't need to finish her sentence for the message to come across loud and clear.

But even though part of him wanted to retaliate, Xander held back. It would only make a bad situation worse. He needed to try to fix this, but again, he couldn't find the words he needed.

Tara frowned and, looking behind him, gestured toward the clock on the wall. "You're going to be late for work," she said quietly. He could see some sympathy in her eyes, but there was no small amount of anger evident on her face as well.

Xander turned and looked at the clock. She was right.

"Willow... Tara... I'm..." he began, but Tara cut him off.

"Just go," she said, her voice still soft. "We'll see you later."

Xander hesitated for a second, then nodded. He walked over to the door and put his shoes on, then grabbed his jacket and looked back over his shoulder. Tara and Willow were still watching him, and he thought one more time about trying to say something to them.

But the fact was, he didn't know what to say, and right now, he was liable to say something that would make things even worse. In situations like these, he always seemed to be able to find the worst possible thing to say at the worst possible time. It was one of his talents.

So he left instead, closing the door behind him, and went down to his car.

On the drive to work, the full impact of what had just happened sank in, and he spent the rest of the morning feeling like a complete ass.

TBC...