Choices

Chapter Twenty-two


"You know what happens when you play with fire, don't you?" Willow asked rhetorically, folding her arms across her chest.

"Yep, you get burned. I think my guilt has effectively singed me though. I feel guilt over loving Spike, I feel guilt over loving Angel. If I were Catholic, I'd become a nun. As it is, I'm thinking lesbianism is looking pretty good right about now."

"Nah, then you'd just fall in love with two women and be right where you started."

Buffy shot her a look. "Funny, Willow. Thanks for the support."

Willow sighed, "sorry, it's just... I really like them both and you're like my best girlfriend and this is just not good."

on'on't you think I know that? You think I want to lose either of them? You think I want to hurt either of them? I don't. I'm very emphatically against it."

"Maybe you could just break up with both of them, move away, and then find ONE nice, normal boyfriend."

"Tried that. Remember Xander?"

"You didn't move away."

"I can't move away, Willow. For one thing, this is my home. For another, I can't be away from Spike and Angel like that. For some reason the Powers-That-Be assigned them to me. And for yet another reason: There is no way in hell Spike or Angel would let me go like that. Although I'm thinking after all this comes out, I'm pretty much screwed. God, I feel like I'm in the middle of a really bad after school special."

"Odd that two vampire's were assigned to you. Why do you think that is?"

"I think when both of them were asked just in case one of them didn't want to do it. I don't know. I don't think it was counted on that both of them would jump at the chance to protect a sniveling little brat like I was. And still am. Pretty damn selfish if you ask me."

"Buffy, you're not a sniveling little brat and you're not selfish." Willow admonished her.

"Oh? I'm not? I'm in love with two men Willow. Not one, but two. How selfish is it that I want both of them? I not only want my cake, but I want to eat it too...although, what's the point in having a cake if you can't eat it?"

"I'm saying!" Willow burst out with laughter and Buffy joined in, breaking up some of the tension.

"You're not selfish, Buffy. You're just...I don't know the word for it. Think of it this way: You have such a big heart that you have room for both of them, not just one. Okay, you have to stay away from Oz."

"Willow!"

"I'm teasing you. I can understand how it happened."

"You can?" Buffy saw hope.

"Yeah, I mean for one thing, they're both totally hot. Spike has the whole bad boy with a soft heart thing going on and Angel has the whole sensitive but a devil when pushed thing going on. You rely on them and trust them with your life. You've been with them for a long time and you all have a lot in common--slaying vampires, demons, looking out for each other. After your mom died, it made the three of you rely on each other that much more."

"So, my love for them and their love for me could be a by product of grief?"

"No, not at all. Buffy, I really think that even if your mom were still alive, you'd eventually be having the same problem as you have now. Just your mom's death kind of sped up the process a bit. When someone dies, even if we don't consciously realize it, we look at life a bit differently.
This thing you have with Spike and Angel, I truly believe--and I think you know whether they've said it or subconsciously you've sensed it--that they have always loved you. And I really believe that you've always loved them. It just took a bit of time for yo fio figure it out. I've known how you felt about Angel for a while now and you just figured it out! You're a little slow on the uptake Buffy."

Buffy nodded slowly, processing what Willow was saying. "I think you're right." She sat down on the chair across from Willow. "Whenever I thought about my future and what I would be doing, or who I would be with, Spike and Angel were always part of it. I never imagined a husband. It was always just Spike and Angel. I never questioned it, I never analyzed it, it was like I just accepted it. When I started having feelings for Spike it kind of knocked me for a loop, but at the same time it felt so right--as if that's what was supposed to happen, as much as I fought it. Now I know why I fought it, because the whole time I was in love with Angel too and the idea of leaving him out of my love seemed unnatural to me.
Even though my heart fully accepts both of them and wants both of them, my head is tellingthatthat this is a mess."

"What are you going to do Buffy?"
"I have to tell them. What else can I do? Lie to them, sneak around? Not only are they not stupid, but they're vampires, they'll sense it. I've done good so far at keeping my 'affair' with Spike secret from Angel, but there is no way in hell I can keep both of them a secret to each other. God, I am such a ho!'

"You're not a ho, Buffy. You're a woman in love. Love makes you do the crazy. What you feel for them transcends lust and passion. I don't even think love is a strong enough word for what you have with them. It's not solely based on attraction and sex...it's...pure. You love their hearts, their souls, their minds, you love everything about them. What you have with Spike and Angel is purer than what most people have with just one person."

"Wow, Willow. That was...intense. Can you tell them for me? I'm thinking if you say what you just said, I'll be golden."

Willow tossed her a stern look. "I'm not going to do it and I'm pretty sure there are no Hallmark cards about it--"

"Maybe Shoebox."

"I?m glad you're at least joking about it."

"With a side of bitterness."

"How and when are you going to do it?"

Buffy sighed heavily and sat back, resting her head on the cushion. "I don't know. How do you tell two jealous, possessive vampires who at times argue like children and have to be put in separate corners that you're in love with both of them?"

"I don't have an answer for that one."

"Just when you were on a roll, too."

Willow smiled.

"There's only one way to do it," Buffy announced, sitting back up. "Gonna have to do it quick, just like a band-aid. Then, run for cover."

"I can be your cover if you need it."

"I'm definitely going to need it. Although I have a sneaking suspicion that I'm going to be alone in that apartment for a while. There is no way they are going to want to be around each other or me."

"They might surprise you, Buffy."

"Yeah, and chickens might grow lips."

*********

Buffy finally fell into an exhausted, dreamless sleep. She slept well into the morning, having shut off her phone and Willow making sure she was not disturbed. The girl needed to recharge her batteries for what was about to happen.

In the light of day, Buffy realized even more fully that not only were they going to be enraged with her for a list of reasons. Being in love with both of them was just the tip of the iceberg. Angel was going to hate her for lying to him, Spike was going to hate her for what she did--and almost did--with Angel. Spike was going to be hit the worst by it and the thought of it crumpled Buffy's heart. She hadn't been thinking, at all.

Would she have gone through with it? Would she have had sex with him?

Judging by her wanton actions the night before, all signs pointed to yes. However, Buffy believed deep in her heart that she wouldn't have been able to go through with it. Not because she felt she owed Spike her virginity, although in some circles it would seem she did, but because she felt she owed them BOTH her virginity. How that was going to happen, she didn't have a clue. She had a feeling she wasn't going to be giving anyone anything, ever.
With a stiff upper lip, Buffy knew she deserved whatever rage and hurt they felt. There was just no way she was going to be able to spare either of them any pain, so to her, it was best to come clean and take whatever they dished out.
She just hoped that in time they could somehow find a way through the muddle. How did she want it to end? She wasn't sure. She entertained the idea of the three of them living happily together, being their lover. But that was fantasy and this was reality. In reality she knew she was either going to lose them both forever or was going to lose at least one of them. Either scenario frightened her. She was beginning to think that Willow's idea of moving away was not such a bad one after all.

So, it was with a heavy heart that Buffy got herselady ady for what was supposed to be a happy night at the gallery. It's opening since Joyce died. She fought the tears that threatened to spill, wishing with every fiber of her being that her mother could be there right now. She needed her so desperately at this time.
Approaching the gallery, in her simple, yet elegant black dress, Willow placed a warm hand of support on her back. The red head had pledged to support her and help her in any way she could. Buffy smiled wearily at her and they entered the gallery.

It was magnificent. It was bright, colorful and full of people. Waiters and waitresses carried around trays of food and Buffy mentally congratulated herself on coming up with that idea.Jazz music played lightly in the background, giving an easy, comfortable atmosphere. Everything blended together so perfectly and Buffy just knew that Joyce was there that night, smiling down on them. 'This is all for you mom.'

"Buffy!" Spike.

Spike came up to her, his face beaming at her. He looked so happy and so damn gorgeous in his tux. Her heart sank to her feet and a lump formed in her throat. 'I can't do this, I can't.'

Enveloping her in his strong arms, he whispered in her ear. "You look ravishing tonight, kitten."

She couldn't make her arms work. She wanted to hold him, to tell him she loved him, but her limbs and her voice refused to work. This was harder than she thought. Then, Angel was upon her, coming from a group of people, a large smile plastered on his face and his eyes twinkling as he looked at her.

"Can I get a hug too?" He asked.

"Sure, mate." Spike broke from her and Angel swept her up in his arms.

"You didn't come home," he stated.

"No, I, uh, had stuff to do," she told him quietly. It wasn't a total lie.

?I?m glad you?re here.?

"Wouldn't miss it. It's for my mom."

"Con, tn, there's some people I want you to meet." He took her hand and led her through the crowd. She looked over her shoulder to find Spike engaged with conversation with Willow and Oz. She hoped both vampires could be kept busy for the rest of the night.

Angel was so animated introducing her to just about everyone in attendance that had been affiliated with Joyce, plus the new artists. He kept close by her, touching her arm, holding her hand, smiling at her. She couldn't help but smile back at him. He had put this all together in honor of Joyce's memory and for that she felt even closer to Angel. As he escorted her off to another part of the room to meet yet another person, he leaned in and whispered in her ear. "I love you."

She couldn't find her voice to speak because she saw Spike gazing at her lovingly from across the room. He saluted her with a glass of champagne and did the sexy, curling his tongue under his front teeth thing. Damn that sexy vampire. She nodded and that seemed to allay both vampires.

After some more talking, Buffy felt the need to break away and just have a breather. She excused herself and making sure Spike wasn't watching, made her way through Angel's office and into the bathroom. She sat down on the toilet with a sigh and tried deep breathing exees tes to relax. Putting her head in her hands she wondered how she was going to get out of going home for yet another night. She would just have to come up with something and hope that it sounded believable. She had a feeling it would be dangerous to have Spike and Angel both in the house with her at the same time. One or both was liable to sneak in her room. Maybe she could feign illness. Standing up, she made her way out of the bathroom. As soon as she entered Angel's office, she was engulfed in strong arms from behind.

"Hello, kitten." Spike purred as he kissed the lobe of her ear. "Can I get a proper kiss now?"

She twisted in his arms, trying to put distance between them. It wasn't quite working as Spike didn't seem interested in letting her go any time soon.

"Spike, we can't. Not here."

"Angel's busy with his guests. We're all alone for a few minutes. He didn't even see me come in here. Just a little kiss, please?" Now he was pouting.

She was a weak, weak woman when it came to her two vampires. "Quickly," she told him and covered her mouth with his. She moaned involuntarily, her body relaxing against his, letting her know how much she missed him and needed him.
Get Get your fucking hands off her!"

Time seemed to move in slow motion as Angel stormed in, in game face, ripping Spike away from Buffy. Buffy watched in horror as Angel started to haul off and deck Spike.

"Freeze!" She yelled, stopping Angel mid-punch.

Spike's eyes were wide as he stared at Angel looming over him, the fist frozen in mid-air. He recovered from the shock and looked at Angel calmly.

"Mate, it's all right. I wasn't molesting her."

"You were kissing her!" Angel spat through clenched teeth. "She's MY girl."

Here comes the fire...

Spike shook his head. "I know you think so, Angel. I know you have feelings for her--" he looked to Buffy, "--told you he did Buffy." He looked back at Angel. "But it's time you knew the truth, Angel."

"What truth?!" Angel shouted. "Buffy, do you mind?"

"As long as you promise not to hit Spike."

"Fine," Angel grumbled.

"Lose the demon," she told him.

As he shook off his demon face, Spike moved around him to stand next to Buffy. Angel spun around and growled.

"I don't want to fight you, Angel!" Spike told him. He turned to Buffy. "It's time, pet. It's time to tell him now."

"Tell me what? Somebody better start talking right now!" Angel bellowed. "What the hell is going on Buffy?"

"I'm so sorry," Buffy whimpered.

"Buffy, tell him," Spike urged. She took a step away from Spike and looked at him apologetically. He looked at her, the distance between them. "Buffy...what's going on?"

Just like a band-aid right? Clenching her fists at her sides, Buffy announced in a strong voice with a hint of fear in it: "I'm in love with both of you."

TBC....review please!!!