Lost Memories

Tara was back. Willow was lying in her bed, snuggled tightly into the woman she loved. Tara had forgiven her and was ready to start over. Everything was back to normal. So, why did she feel so lost?

She’d thought having Tara back would make her finally feel whole again. But she still felt like something was missing, as if there were a piece of her gone. Before the breakup her heart had felt full to bursting. When Tara left she had been destroyed, smashed to pieces.

She’d spent the last few weeks dangling in her own kind of hellish purgatory. She knew that if Tara didn’t return that she’d lose the only real love she’d ever had. If Tara came back, she’d be even happier than she’d been before because she’d know what it was like to have that taken away. Yes, she was happy, but there was just something missing.

She couldn’t wrap her mind around these new feelings. She didn’t love Tara any less, she was certain of that. It was just that that love no longer made her feel so complete. It was as if Tara was no longer enough. Maybe she was feeling the loss of her power more now? She really didn’t think that was the problem, she knew things had gotten out of hand with that. She had no desire to put herself or her friends in danger again, and she knew that’s what would happen if she so much as dabbled in magic again right now.

One of these days she’d pick it back up, but she didn’t want to risk it at the moment.

So, what was going on? She still wanted Tara, still needed Tara, but she needed something else too. Something that was currently alluding her. Maybe she was doubting Tara’s return. Maybe she was subconsciously holding back in case Tara decided to leave again. But, she’d seemed sure enough last night and thinking about it Willow realized that she believed her. She knew Tara was back for good.

Her tears had started to fall long before she realized she was crying and she suddenly noticed the wet spot on her pillow. This was all wrong, these should be tears of happiness and utter joy. They weren’t. She was distraught, she was sure she’d lost something because this was hopeless desperation darkening what should be an amazing morning.

She felt Tara start to stir and furiously wiped at her face, she pasted on the smile that should come naturally and turn to face her lover.


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Buffy was sleeping with Spike? Sure that was a surprise, but what was most disturbing was the almost nauseating jealousy that swept over her at that thought. Why should she be jealous of Buffy and Spike? Oh Goddess, what if she’d been harboring an ultra secret crush on Buffy all these years? So secret in fact, that she hadn’t even realized it.

No, she was certain that wasn’t the problem. It had to be because Buffy had turned to Tara instead of her for help and support. It was perfectly acceptable to be upset that your best friend hadn’t confided in you, right? Most definitely. Anyone would be at least a little offended by that. That had to be the cause of her distress. She was happy with that explanation. Now, if she could just figure out why she had this huge, gaping chasm in her soul.