Remember Me
Seventeen-Nineteen
"I think a nice hot bath is what you need Buffy," Lindsey drawled as he drove her home.
She giggled evilly, "you wanna join me, Linds?" At his wide eyes, she laughed out loud. Why did she do that to him? She decided that she had better stop when he brought the car to a screeching stop on the side of the road. "What is your problem?" She yelled at him, as if she didn't already know.
He turned to her, unbuckled his seatbelt, grabbed her and kissed her. Hard. Demanding. She pushed at him, trying hard not to hurt him and he flew back a bit, but he didn't hit hard when his back hit the door.
Buffy flew out of the car, fully intending to walk now. How dare he do such a thing? She was a taken woman! Wait. Taken? Where the hell did that thought just come from? She didn't have time to mull that one over however, because Linds was at her heels.
"Buffy, stop. Come back and let me take you home. I'm sorry."
She spun around, "what the hell are you doing?"
He stared at her for a long time and when he answered, Buffy's breath hitched. "I love you," he said simply.
She shook her head, "no you don't," her voice was shaking.
"Yes, I do. I can't help it Buffy, I don't want to either. I love you."
"I won't let you."
He chuckled, "god knows you've made it difficult at times."
"Good. You can't love me; you should NOT love me. I'm not lovable."
His expression softened to one of tenderness and sympathy. "Is that what you really think? That you're not lovable? Because you are Buffy, you are so lovable."
She shook her head.
"You tell me that you trust me more than anyone, that I make you feel safe, but you won't let me in. You won't let me show you how I feel, how YOU could feel. Instead, you laugh at me, push me away."
Now she just felt awful. Lindsey, who had thus far been so incredibly patient with her, Lindsey who gave her willingly whatever she asked, who put up with her attitude, who guarded her back (though needlessly) each and every time she was in battle, who LOVED her-she laughed at. She laughed at the sweet man in front of her whom she felt closest to, whom she really did feel safe with. And why did she laugh at him? Because she was too screwed up to do anything else.
"I'm sorry," she whispered, fighting back the tears that were threatening to fall. "You deserve someone who won't be so cruel to you. Someone who will love you the way you deserve to be loved. It's not me Linds. It'll never be me."
"Why?" He asked desperately, "why can't it be you? I want it to be you. Only you."
She shook her head, her ponytail brushing her face as she did, "because I CAN'T. I'm a mess. I don't want anyone to waste their love on me. I don't deserve it."
"Yes, you do Buffy," he told her passionately and leapt forward, taking her hands in his. "You deserve it more than anyone I know. You have such a big heart. . ." he trailed off, slamming his mouth shut and backing away.
"How the hell do you know if I have a big heart? The whole time you've known me I've been either crying about my mother or being the person you see standing right here in front of you. A miserable, cynical, numb bitch. Perfect for Slaying, not so perfect for relationships."
Lindsey fell silent and Buffy watched as he seemed to be warring some inner battle inside himself. His eyes were downcast and he shivered. He looked tired now too.
"Maybe I should get another Watcher," she told him softly.
His head shot up, she saw the despair there, "no. I won't speak about it any more. Just don't do that, all right? I. . . I saved you. I want to be there with you every step of the way."
She did something then, something uncharacteristically Buffy. She threw herself into his arms and hugged him. "I want you there with me too," she whispered. Lindsey held onto her tightly, as if he were afraid to let her go. And she knew, she knew that he was. So, she let him hold her. It was what he wanted, what he needed, and she didn't want to begrudge him that any longer. She couldn't give him her love the way he wanted, but she could offer him some kind of support, show him that she did care for him the way she claimed to. It was a long while before Lindsey let her go and they made their way back home in silence.
"I want to learn how to meditate," Buffy told Lindsey the following day as they finished their morning training.
"You do? I thought it was too. . . what was it you said? Too 'still and quiet' for you?" He was grinning, but his surprise was still evident.
She shrugged, "I changed my mind. It's my prerogative as a woman," she grinned back, flashing teeth.
He shook his head, "all right. Why the sudden need to learn how?"
"I don't know. I guess finding a way to quiet my mind and focusing on something other than my destructive thoughts would be a good thing."
"I'd have to agree with you. Okay, sit down, back straight and hands in your lap. Right that's it. Close your eyes."
She looked at him warily.
"Do you trust me?"
She answered by closing her eyes. Lindsey let out a quiet breath of relief. This was a step. Each step toward healing her mind was something he counted as a blessing. Last night had just about killed him. It wasn't so much her denial that she could ever love him, it was the fact that she felt she wasn't able to love. The fact that the fire she once had, the happiness she once felt, was snatched from her. The way she was living now, the way she was feeling, it wasn't healthy. The knowledge that he had something to do with it tore at him. He was so conflicted on what to do. On the one hand, he could tell her the truth: But what would the consequences be then? Would Quentin come after them both? Would he kill Spike and Angel then on his own anyway? Probably. Would Buffy's mind shut down on overload and the stress of all this? Would that just endanger her more? On the other hand: What would happen when Spike and Angel did come after her? He knew they would eventually find her. He had a pretty good idea how they loved her. If it were him, he'd tear the world apart to bring her back home. She'd kill them. Of that he had no doubt. And if she did? Then what would become of her? Would she give up? He saw it in her, the death wish. She wasn't completely aware of it yet, but he knew it was there. He was afraid that when she was done with her vengeance, she'd allow herself to die. And what if she killed Angel and Spike and then one day remembered? That would kill her too. What was killing him was watching her day after day struggling to live. She hated life. Hated it all. He wanted to bring life to her, wanted to show her how great it could be. But, he knew deep down what the answer was: Only Spike and Angel, only the TRUTH, would bring the spark back into her. The stubborn part of Lindsey didn't want to give up though. He wanted to believe that he alone could do it. His time, a voice told him, was running out.
"Now what?" She prompted.
"Focus on my voice and your breathing. Breathe in. . . out. . . in. . . out. . . feel yourself relax. Feel the tension melt in your feet. . . your calves. . . thighs. . . let your stomach drop, breathe deeply from your diaphragm. . . in. . . out. . . in. . . out. . . let your shoulders relax. . . in. . . out. . . now your eyes. . . relax your face. . . in. . . out. . . listen to your breath, focus on your breath and nothing else. Let the voices in your head disappear. They are nothing but whispers that fade away. All that is there is your breath. . . in. . . out. . ."
He watched her for a bit, she looked more relaxed than he'd ever seen her. She almost looked as if she were sleeping. Then, suddenly, her eyes flew open and she looked almost green. She jumped up and ran into the bathroom. A second later, he heard the distinctive sound of retching. What the hell just happened?
Buffy felt as if she released into the bowl whatever she'd eaten for the week. Nothing could have prepared her for the sickness she encountered while doing what she thought was a good, peaceful thing.
Lindsey's voice had faded from her consciousness. She had left him and his instructions, completely left everything. She had found herself in a meadow: Complete with a waterfall, a lake with clear, shining water, birds chirping and puffy white clouds against a bright blue sky. It was gorgeous. She didn't know why she was there, it was just a place that popped up. It felt familiar to her, but she didn't know how. Fairy tale her mother had once read to her maybe? She had felt the urge to search this place. She wanted to know if it was safe, wanted to find a clue as to where she was and why it felt so familiar to her. She walked all around the meadow, inspecting. Then, behind the waterfall, she saw a cave. It was dark, as most caves are and she felt the urge to go inside, to see what was inside. She felt COMPELLED to do it, like something was telling her she HAD to do it. Her heart was thudding inside her chest, but she could not stop her feet from entering the cave. And when she stepped inside, she was assaulted by images. It was like a projector was on inside this dark, dank cave and the images were playing out for her.
She saw her mother. She had what appeared to be a garland of garlic around her neck and a tall turtleneck and she was standing in the kitchen preparing hot cocoa and tea. She didn't remember this. Her mother was fidgeting, but despite the nervousness she displayed, there was something different about her. Her hair was brighter, she wore makeup, she basically appeared all around healthier than she had ever before. What was this?
Then she saw herself enter the room. Oh my God, she looked like a normal girl! Not the girl who hid herself in the shadows, wore dark colors and tied her hair back all the time. No, in this she was wearing fashionable clothing, she wore makeup and she was SMILING.
"Mom, they have souls remember?" She lightly teased her mother.
"I'm just taking precaution Buffy," her mother told her indignantly.
The doorbell rang and her mother jumped a mile. Buffy laughed and answered the door. Nothing could have prepared Real Buffy for what was on the other side of that door on the cave's wall.
Spike and Angel. Real Buffy's blood froze.
They were smiling, looking almost-nervous?!
"Hey Joyce," he then caught sight of the garlic and started to laugh. "Bloody stinks in here!"
Angel shook his head and grinned, coming forward with a bottle of wine. "We come in peace."
"I think Angel just made a funny!" Buffy laughed and hugged the vampires. Hugged them! Real Buffy was rooted to the spot, unable to take her eyes off the scene before her. And when she saw her mother take off her garland of garlic, hug them and offer them beverages, she lost her stomach.
That was when Buffy's eyes flew open and she felt the urge to throw up. More than an urge actually. She couldn't help it. She stared at herself in the mirror. Her marks. They were pulsing and aching again. She closed her eyes tightly, trying to shut out the image she'd seen. What was happening to her? What did that mean? How did that happen? She was cracking up, that was all there was to it.
Lindsey was banging on the door on the other side. She flung the door open to see his worried face. She made a decision in that moment. She couldn't explain it, didn't understand it, just knew that it was something she had to do. Something was telling her she had to do it, that she NEEDED to do it.
"I want to see Giles. Now."
"Buffy what happened? Did something happen? Did you remember something?"
She let out a short, hysterical laugh, "wouldn't that be something."
Lindsey gripped her arms and forced her to look at him, "what the hell just happened Buffy? You're worrying me. Now tell me what it is!"
She stared at him, at the desperate look on his face. She opened her mouth to tell him, then clamped it shut. No, she couldn't. He'd worry. No, he'd freak. She couldn't tell him, not yet. Not until she talked to Giles, not until she had answers. Yes, she did trust Lindsey, but she was also afraid that his feelings for her would cloud everything else. She didn't want feelings right now; she wanted FACT. Cold, hard facts.
"I have to talk to Giles. That's all I can tell you."
"We're not leaving until you tell me first."
She looked down, "I'm sorry, Linds."
"It's o-" he never got to finish because Buffy clocked him, knocking him out.
"I really am sorry, Linds. Desperate times call for desperate measures," and she arranged him so he'd be more comfortable. She made her way out the door and shut the door, locking it. She was going to speak with Giles. Undisturbed and alone.
Giles sat poring over a book on hypnotism, amnesia and 'mind sweeping' while Angel searched the internet and Spike alternated between looking over Angel and Giles' shoulders.
"Honestly Spike do you think you could find something more productive to do?" Giles nearly barked.
"I don't know what else to do! If I had my way, I'd be on my way to rip Quentin Travers' head off, but it's daylight out right now!" Spike exclaimed, "OR, I'd be out there, hunting for my lady."
"OUR lady," Angel interjected.
"Right. OUR lady."
"So instead you are going to drive us-" Giles stopped when Spike held up a hand. He had an urgent look on his face. "What is it?"
Angel's head popped up, "she's here. Well, close by anyway. Where the hell is that damn spell now? For crying out loud Spike, can't you just leave thing alone?"
"Don't start-"
"Shut up both of you," Giles snapped. He waved his hand in the air, chanted a few lines of Latin, "there. It's done. Sit somewhere where she won't accidentally bump into you or sit on you."
Acting as if they were two school children that had just gotten scolded by the principal, Angel and Spike sat on the stairs leading to the upstairs loft. They had a clear view of the living room and were sure not to miss a thing.
Giles straightened when the doorbell rang and he ignored the hopeful faces of Spike and Angel as he made his way to the door. Opening it, he pretended to act surprised to see Buffy.
"Well, hello Buffy. How are you?"
"Fine, thanks. Can I come in?" She didn't look fine though. She looked frazzled. Her eyes were shifty, her hands fidgeting, she was trembling and her hair was falling out of the clip holding her hair up at the top of her head.
"Of course," and Giles stepped aside to let her in. "Where's Lindsey? Will he be joining us?"
"Uh, no. He's um, napping."
"Oh? Late night then last night?"
She darted a pointed skeptical eye at him, "how'd you know?"
"Guessed. You are a Slayer now aren't you?"
She nodded absently and surveyed the room as she reached up to the mark on her neck and rubbed it.
"You feeling all right Buffy?"
She tugged on her clip and seeming to notice that her hair was falling out of it, she looked around and marched to the mirror: The mirror at the bottom of the stairs that Spike and Angel were sitting at. She tugged on the clip and her blond hair tumbled free. She made quick work of binding the wild mane back up and Giles could see Spike and Angel as they stared at her. Their hands were itching to touch her, he knew. They looked absolutely in awe and in love at Buffy. When she walked away, they both closed their eyes, savoring the moment of close proximity of their beloved.
She walked by the open books Giles had been looking at and stopped. She flipped to the cover and then looked up at him. "Interesting stuff you have here. You planning on controlling someone's mind?"
"No, I believe that wouldn't be right."
"Yeah, you're probably right," she murmured.
"What's on your mind Buffy? Lindsey bothering you?"
"No, of course not. Lindsey's great," why did she look so guilty suddenly?
"He's a knowledgeable Watcher, I imagine. What with Quentin having trained him."
"Yeah, he is. Listen, I have some questions to ask you."
"I figured you did. Why don't you have a seat."
Perching on the edge of the couch, she took a deep breath. Giles sat on his armchair and waited patiently. He made note of Spike and Angel moving closer. It wasn't as if they had to move closer to hear better either. Giles so wished he could reunite them and ease all their hurts.
"I don't know where to start," she admitted.
"From the beginning seems a good place."
"You know what happened to me. . . how Spike and Angelus. . . they did that stuff to me and my mother."
Giles nodded. Over her head, he could see the looks of despair clearly written on Angel and Spike's faces. Giles realized that perhaps it was one thing to hear from him what Quentin did to her, what he made her believe and quite another to hear it from her mouth. He imagined that not only did it make it seem more real that she hated them, but also made it that much more painful.
"Yes, I know."
"Well, see, they bit me. A lot. Mostly on my arms and on my neck. I don't even think they drank from me all that much. Think they enjoyed the fact that it hurt me more than anything. They seemed to love making me scream in agony," she shivered at the 'memory'. So did Spike and Angel.
"Anyway, lately I've been feeling the marks-two in particular very acutely. I-I don't know what it means."
Giles nodded and leaned forward, "how do you mean you feel them 'acutely'? Have they been tingling? Aching? Are they hot?"
Her eyes widened, "yes, that's it exactly. Just out of the blue all of a sudden and today-" she jumped up, "today Lindsey helped me to meditate and. . . it was weird. Creepy weird."
He noticed Angel brighten at the mention of meditation and Spike hit him in acknowledgement on the arm.
"How was it creepy weird?"
"Well, first I kind of felt like I'd been there before-"
"Like it was some place you visited before?"
"Right. Only I don't think I ever did."
"How did this place make you feel?"
"Safe."
"That's a healthy place to go then when you meditate."
"God, you do sound like a shrink. No," she shook her head, "it's NOT a safe place for me to go no matter how safe it was. The place is contaminated."
"How so?"
"By Spike and Angelus."
"Oh?"
"There was a cave there, with a waterfall in front. I went inside that cave."
"What made you do that?"
She shrugged, "felt like the thing to do? Get to know my surroundings."
"And?"
"I saw things that I didn't want to see. It was like a movie playing out. Almost as if it were a memory; but it wasn't real. It was a very different me, my mother was very different and it definitely could NOT have been Spike and Angelus."
"Why?"
"They had souls. They were actually kind and I most obviously CARED for them."
"What happened?"
She relayed the story to Giles and all the while, behind her, Spike and Angelus were nodding profusely and pointing at her with big, silly grins on their faces. Apparently, what she 'saw' was what actually happened.
"And seeing it. . . it made me sick."
"What did you do?"
"I forced my eyes open, ran to the bathroom and threw up."
Now the vampires looked positively crestfallen, as if their hearts had been torn out of them. And, well, in essence-they had.
"You think that what you saw has some connection to your marks that are bothering you?"
"Yes. I think they're playing with my mind."
Giles nearly choked, "I-I don't know about that Buffy."
"Vampires can put their victims in a thrall, right? That's playing with their minds. And by biting me, maybe it gave them some kind of power over my mind."
"Thrall is akin to hypnotism. It can make the victim see things, make them zone or make them do things as if in a trance. However, it's not only something that can only be done in person, but getting inside your mind the way you experienced, that is not conceivable."
"Then what is happening to me?" She asked, almost mournfully.
Giles felt at a loss. Should he mention claiming? Did she know of it?
"The reactions you are having to your bite marks could mean they claimed you."
"Claimed me?"
"Has Lindsey taught you anything?" Giles asked, exasperated. "Claiming is, well, claiming a mate. It's like a human marriage between vampires except much more. Claiming involves blood and the word 'mine', because vampires are possessive creatures and the claiming of a mate is not to be taken lightly. To claim a mate for a vampire is to possess them, love them-"
"You can stop right there. If those bastards claimed me, it was NOT because they loved me." She shook with rage.
"It is also possible they could have claimed you just for the simple act of possessing you."
"And controlling me? Could they be messing with my mind through a claim?"
"That is a bit of a stretch. Claiming can do a lot of things. It can, for one, explain your reaction to the bite marks you are having."
"Why is it only the two?"
"Those could have been the marks they worked the claim on you with."
"I don't recall them ever saying 'mine'. Course, I wasn't exactly conscious for a lot of it either."
"You could have been claimed. The marks could be letting you that they are close. Biting someone-and having them live-allows the claimed one to be aware of the vampire that bit them."
"Like a survival thing? Let the victim know where the vampire is that bit them so they can save themselves?"
"Perhaps for humans, if they are unwilling." Huh, never thought of it that way. Maybe for those unwanted claimings-focus Giles. "Not for vampires who claim each other."
"Who the hell would want to willingly let themselves be claimed by a vampire?" She spat. Something snapped inside her and she started to shake. "You're saying that they could be close by? They could be coming for me?" Her arms wrapped around her in a protective cocoon.
"You knew one day they would, didn't you Buffy?"
The scared girl he had seen just a second before changed then. She set her jaw, balled her fists at her side, and straightened her gait. Her eyes shifted from one of fear to one of iciness, fury and determination.
She didn't answer, but she didn't need to. She did know. Giles knew it was what this Buffy was waiting for. And now, the Buffy they had squashed inside of her, she was waiting too. Waiting to be saved. Waiting to be reunited with her loves.
"The interesting thing is the cave you saw and then entered. Entering something like that, a cave, a hole, something with depth, something dark like that, usually signifies traveling deeper into your subconscious."
"Which means?"
"That's where your deepest and darkest feelings, desires, fears and dreams come from. Even some of the memories you might have squashed live."
"Are you saying that my deepest desire is for what I saw to have happened? That's the most disgusting thing I've ever heard. Not to mention the most incredibly INSANE." She was outraged now. Her eyes were flashing and Giles wondered if she were going to pummel him at any minute.
"Ever hear of child abuse victims blocking out the bad memories as a defense mechanism?"
She gave him a weary look, "are you saying that my mind turned what happened to me into some kind of Brady Bunch moment as a defense mechanism?"
Giles nodded, "your mind created something happy to get rid of the unpleasant memories."
"Unpleasant? Understatement."
"I'm throwing out options here. The mind is a powerful instrument Buffy. It makes things happen. Take amnesia for example. The whole blocking of memories. Memories you've acquired over your entire life, just wiped out. Or hypnotism. The person hypnotizing you has complete control over you. They can make you, say, cluck like a chicken if they so desired. You'd have no control over it. It's fascinating."
Now she was looking at him as if he were crazy. "Yeah, that is. . . fascinating." Taking a deep breath she thanked him and started for the door.
"Was I able to help in some way Buffy?"
"Yes, definitely. Seems I've got some work to do."
"Is that so."
She nodded, "I've got a couple of vampires to get ready for. Find out what the hell is happening to me and put a stop to it." She smiled evilly and let out a diabolical chuckle, "it's going to be so. Much. Fun." Opening the door, she took a step out, turned and waved to Giles.
Giles shut the door behind her and turned to Spike and Angel. Angel was frowning, Spike was pacing and cursing under his breath.
"Well, it seems she's expecting you now," Giles told them.
Angel looked up at him, "yes, it seems so. I just hope that we're ready for her."
"Afraid, Angel?" Spike started to laugh nervously.
"The depth of her hatred for us is not to be taken lightly, Spike," Angel snapped. "Remember how you felt when those vampires attacked you and Buffy once upon a time? Remember how it felt to see her hurt and almost dead-remember the rage you felt? Now imagine how she feels thinking we did that to Joyce."
Spike fell silent.
"It seems you have another option now as well," Giles rushed in.
"What?" Angel asked, confused.
"Her meditation? I am thinking that is a way to reach her. She's reconnected to that place in her mind, where before all you got was darkness."
"If she decides to meditate again. She probably won't want to now. Her reaction to that memory was not encouraging."
"She will."
"How do you know?" Spike asked curiously.
"Morbid fascination. Sometimes we just can't stop ourselves from doing that which disgusts us."
Spike shook his head, "you have a scary mind, Rupert." Then he smiled, "I like it."