Chasing the Girl

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Part 22

Buffy awoke. Her head was hurting and she looked around for Willow.

'Where is she?' She thought. She squinted and looked at the clock. Four o'clock.

She started to cry.

Faith stirred in her sleep."B, are you okay?" Faith could hear her crying. "What's wrong?"

"Faith, where are you?"

"Right here. Right here." Faith crossed the room quickly. "What's up?" She patted Buffy's head.

"I just thought, no one was...I didn't think anyone was here." Buffy sniffed.

"Well, I'm here, go back to sle'k?'k?"

"Where are you going? Where's Will?" Buffy grabbed Faith's arm as she turned around.

"She's in my room."

"Why?"

"Cause I'm in here?"

"Again, why?"

"Cause Red's too hot, couldn't stay in the room with her and all." Faith smiled at Buffy. "I just wanted to stay in here with ya. Can't I do that?"

"Yes, I'm sorry, excuse the paranoia, it's not uncommon for me to wake up and the entire place be deserted."

"Willow and Ken run run away in the middle of the night?"

"No, I mean, you know, wake up not knowing where you are, nobody there."

"Unfortunately, I do know, B. That's a shitty feeling. Scary, too." Faith sat on the bed.

She looked at Buffy's hand holding her arm. "It's why I'm in here and all." She said, before removing it.

"You don't have to sleep in the chair, I know you're tired. I won't jump you or anything."

"Hey, that's the same thing I told Red, she didn't believe me though. I guess once a slutty psychopath, always a slutty psychopath." Buffy would have reprimanded Faith had she not seen her smiling.

"I know B, I'm not a slutty psychopath anymore."

"Well, I was gonna say, yes I understand, but ok you're not a psychopath anymore." Buffy smirked.

"Slutty psychopath, B."

"Let's not get carried away, F...you should keep some interesting characteristics." Buffy laid back down and looked at Faith. "Besides, I find sluts endearing, course I'm fucked up, so... " She closed her eyes. "sleep here, Faith."

"I don't think so."

"Why?"

"Do we really want to have this conversation at..." She looked at the bedside clock. "four a.m.?"

"If we need to have it, then yes. Four a.m.'s cool with me."

"Look, Buffy," Faith said getting up and moving back to the chair. "I want to help you. From some deep masochistic side, I need to help you. But it doesn't mean I don't have feelings, I mean those feelings don't change. They're still there, fee feelings." Faith sighed heavily. "When the fuck did I start channeling Willow? Ok, look, you know that I pretty much love you. Hell, there were times I think I worshipped you. I lived for you. In prison, you were the single fucking thing I thought about, well, besides sex, more than once a day. So you see the obsession?" She waited for a moment, but Buffy didn't speak.

"Anyway, I...you see? I can't. I can't be here with you and pretend like it's not there. I don't want to play the 'sexual innuendo Faith' anymore. I'm not baiting you, but then again I never was. It's becoming too much for me. It's too much now. It became that way when I had to will myself not to climb into bed with you, not to fuck you that night at the club. It's a constant fight with everything about me. My desire for you is fighting with my conscience, and after a while I'm afraid that the wrong one will win."

"Which one's the wrong one?" Buffy asked quietly.

"Does it matter? You made a decision. I understand waiting, B. I really do. It isn't good for you to jump into some sort of relationship, you need to focus on other things. I really understand that. But it doesn't make me feel any different. And you decide to that it can never work. What the fuck is that about? You want to change, yet you're still thinking about yourself."

"Thinking about myself? Faith I'm doing this for you. I don't want to hurt you. I don't deserve..."

Buffy was cut off by Faith.

"...me. I know, I know, you don't deserve me. You fucking said that. That's my point, who the fuck are you to decide what I need. I get no say in it? If you don't want me, if you don't...love me, than say that. Please. But don't play the whole Joan of Arc girl, cause you're not."

"I don't want you to go Faith, I really don't."

"If you can't change, Buffy, I don't think I can stay. I want to help you, I think I did.."

"You did."

"But now you don't need me. You've got Willow and the rest of them. I believe they are going to help you. And if not, well, I'll come back and kick ass. Let them give me a reason, but...you don't need me anymore."

"I do need you. But you're leaving, aren't you?"

"I don't see a way around it. I want to stay, but...I love myself, Buffy. That's really hard for me to say, but for a long time, I didn't love myself. I couldn't love you like I ed ted to, because I didn't care about me. Maybe that's what you're going through. It doesn't matter, because, I do love myself now. And I can't put myself in this situation. Being near you every day, seeing you, and not...not having you. I'm afraid I couldn't control myself."

Faith finished and moved to the bed, Buffy was crying.

"And what, Faith," She suddenly snapped. "could you control yourself around others. When you get back? Are you gonna remain celibate forever?"

"I've never been celibate, B." She said. "Jeez, I'm not a saint."

"Oh."

"Look, it's not about that. You think I'm gonna go back to Boston and find someone else? Fall in love and forget all about you? Yeah right, fat fucking chance. I go six years without seeing you and...I had opportunities, but they were like...shit they couldn't compare. Why am I telling you this, when you already know that?"

"I'm sorry. If you have to go, than you should go."

"No, I won't if you can't deal without me here. I'm not going til I know it's okay."

"I don't want you to leave, if that's what you want to hear. I'm never going to say that. I want to be honest, and that isn't honest. I want you to stay. But I understand, I can't keep you here, not like that, it's unfair."

"It's not like I'll stay gone. I'll be back. I've decided at least once a month. And you can come visit, I want you to. I don't want to go without seeing you or Rose. I just think a little time apart, well, it couldn't hurt." Faith looked at her hands. "If I give you that, I mean the time, would you ever, could you change your mind, maybe?" She choked out.

Buffy lifted Faith's chin and looked into her eyes.

"I hope so, baby." She kissed her on the forehead. Faith collapsed, crying again, and Buffy stroked her hair, content on being the one who was consoling.

To be continued