Lost Memories
folder
-Buffy the Vampire Slayer › Het - Male/Female › Spike(William)/Willow
Rating:
Adult
Chapters:
38
Views:
2,625
Reviews:
0
Recommended:
0
Currently Reading:
0
Category:
-Buffy the Vampire Slayer › Het - Male/Female › Spike(William)/Willow
Rating:
Adult
Chapters:
38
Views:
2,625
Reviews:
0
Recommended:
0
Currently Reading:
0
Disclaimer:
I do not own Buffy the Vampire Slayer, nor do I profit in any way from the writing of this story.
Leaving
He was leaving town,, he’d return only when he had what he needed to be the man she thought he was. He would never deserve her like this, wasn‘t even worthy of the time she‘d given him. He’d proven that with his hellish actions.
He’d tried so hard to remain the man/demon that she’d helped him become. He’d just been so lonely. He’d tried to fill the cavity in his heart with booze, but that had only made things worse. He’d gone after Anya. No, that wasn’t right, he hadn’t meant for anything to happen with her. They’d both been hurting and had just for a short time found relief in each other. It had been purely physical of course and completely consensual on both parts. Truthfully he’d been picturing Red laid out on that table, had imagined for just a moment that she’d come back to him.
That wasn’t the worst though. If that was the extent of his horrendousness, he could deal with it. But, after Anya, he’d turned right back to the alcohol again, and had ended up in an even worse way. He’d decided, in his stupor, that if he couldn’t have Willow, then he’d make Buffy have him.
He’d tried to force himself on her. The only thing that had really stopped him was Willow. He’d briefly wondered what she’d think of him, and that had been enough to sober him up. How would she feel knowing he was nothing more than a rapist. Nothing more than a murderer. No, that was not tolerable, he couldn’t be that thing anymore. He had to be something more. No more pretending, no more wishing he was a man.
He could never truly be a person again, but maybe he could find a way to get a little closer to humanity. He still had his free will and he could, for once in his life, do something good. Not because he had to in order to survive, not because someone else was demanding it of him, and not because of how someone else would feel about it. Yeah, it was because of her that he was doing this, but not really for her.
She had accepted him as he was, but she had also made him want to be that man. She’d looked at him as if he were real, as if he belonged in her arms, as if they were equals. He wanted to live up to her vision of him. So, he was on his way to Africa. He’d heard tales of a sorcerer who could restore the souls of demons. He wasn’t sure it was true. He honestly doubted very many demons wanted to regain their humanity, but he had to try.
He do whatever he had to in order to get his soul back, then he’d go back to Sunnyhell. He’d beg for Buffy’s forgiveness and offer to help them without the promise of payment. Then maybe he could find a way to be a part of Willow’s life again. Sure, it would hurt to see her everyday and not be able to touch her, but the thought of standing on the sidelines of her world was just too painful.
He’d tried so hard to remain the man/demon that she’d helped him become. He’d just been so lonely. He’d tried to fill the cavity in his heart with booze, but that had only made things worse. He’d gone after Anya. No, that wasn’t right, he hadn’t meant for anything to happen with her. They’d both been hurting and had just for a short time found relief in each other. It had been purely physical of course and completely consensual on both parts. Truthfully he’d been picturing Red laid out on that table, had imagined for just a moment that she’d come back to him.
That wasn’t the worst though. If that was the extent of his horrendousness, he could deal with it. But, after Anya, he’d turned right back to the alcohol again, and had ended up in an even worse way. He’d decided, in his stupor, that if he couldn’t have Willow, then he’d make Buffy have him.
He’d tried to force himself on her. The only thing that had really stopped him was Willow. He’d briefly wondered what she’d think of him, and that had been enough to sober him up. How would she feel knowing he was nothing more than a rapist. Nothing more than a murderer. No, that was not tolerable, he couldn’t be that thing anymore. He had to be something more. No more pretending, no more wishing he was a man.
He could never truly be a person again, but maybe he could find a way to get a little closer to humanity. He still had his free will and he could, for once in his life, do something good. Not because he had to in order to survive, not because someone else was demanding it of him, and not because of how someone else would feel about it. Yeah, it was because of her that he was doing this, but not really for her.
She had accepted him as he was, but she had also made him want to be that man. She’d looked at him as if he were real, as if he belonged in her arms, as if they were equals. He wanted to live up to her vision of him. So, he was on his way to Africa. He’d heard tales of a sorcerer who could restore the souls of demons. He wasn’t sure it was true. He honestly doubted very many demons wanted to regain their humanity, but he had to try.
He do whatever he had to in order to get his soul back, then he’d go back to Sunnyhell. He’d beg for Buffy’s forgiveness and offer to help them without the promise of payment. Then maybe he could find a way to be a part of Willow’s life again. Sure, it would hurt to see her everyday and not be able to touch her, but the thought of standing on the sidelines of her world was just too painful.