Truth Denied

Appropriate Ratings: NC17 overall but this chapter... pg-13 Or possibly R
Warnings: Not much for this chappie other than talking about Spike's kinks and history
Short Summary: Spike admits what's going on, Xander takes the news.
Beta: LJ User Tamakin and LJ User Laazikaat
X-posted to: -Complete list on my LJ-

Comments keep my muse well fed.


He was waiting for Xander in his apartment; glass of scotch swimming with ice clinked idly in his hand while he waited for the sound of a key in the lock. It was dark out and he hadn’t turned on any lights, but that was alright, leave the bastard guessing. He’d turn on the damned lights when Xander got home, not a moment sooner.

He took a sip and thought again on what he’d say when Xander got back, not wanting to give all the details, but not sure where to cut them off either. Who knew what information might come in handy? What could he keep out and save his dignity? He rested his glass on the coffee table and leaned back to rest his eyes. Haven’t slept in ages, ‘m so exhausted.

~*~

He woke when he heard the key click into the lock, the sound echoing in the empty apartment. A brief flash of his dream stayed clearly with him, and he thanked whatever was listening that he’d woken up before he’d started screaming. It was Kieran, hand outreached, beseeching help while Spike ran away like before, while Spike abandoned him to a horrible fate and did nothing to help. He couldn’t do that again, not again, not to Xander. He made up his mind and clicked the light on, hurriedly wiping the tears from his eyes before Xander opened the door, and called out a greeting before he startled him.

“Hey, why are you home? I mean, you’re allowed to be home, it’s yours and all, but I thought you had plans for the afternoon?” Xander babbled at him, he couldn’t help the small smile tugging his lips. Wait… when’d I start to think his babble was cute? Bugger it, one problem at a time.

“Had a small change in plans, hope I didn’t startle you.” His voice sounded hollow to his own ears. He added a -hopefully- more sincere smile and motioned him over, pouring another glass of scotch and mourned the death of the ice in the bowl, but quickly shrugged it off, Just means I get drunker faster, that’s not a bad thing right now.

“No, not startled, just confused. Hold on, let me grab some ice.” The brunet side-tripped into the kitchen and broke up the tray with the small cubes into a bowl. He filled the tray with water and replaced it in the freezer, like a good guest, before making his way back to the blond.

“Read my mind did you?” The smile felt a little more real for a moment, he was almost startled at how good that was.

“No, just know you drink it with ice now. Saw you order it at the bar once,” Xander nodded towards the melted ice, “and you have a bowl of water, figured yours melted while you waited. You did wait for me, didn’t you?” His eyes shifted about while he licked at the nervous sweat along his upper lip. Spike watched his breathing quicken and saw Xander’s hands begin to tremble. The ice cubes clacked in the bowl before Xander put them on the table and wedged his hands between his knees.

Spike watched it all with a flickering hunger to suck those lips with his own and show them and the cavern inside what a good licking was, but stopped when he saw the fear haunting Xander’s eyes and kept his head. Want him, know I want him, he doesn’t need this right now. I can’t think about this right now either. It’s just a distraction, I can’t… I can’t not do this. I can’t chicken out. I gotta tell him, I know I do and all of this is just trying to distract me and make me change where I’m going. Dammit, stop being a ninny and get on with it. I gotta concentrate, gotta stay on track. He forced himself on, nearly choking on the words as he struggled to get them out, “Yeah pet, I did. Need to tell you something-”

Xander cut in hurriedly, shame colouring his cheeks bright red, “We didn’t do anything. He… he just wanted to paint me, I don’t know why but he said it was to get to know me better and I didn’t tell him a thing about you and I swear we didn’t do anything more, other than drinking a lotta lotta wine and talk about me, and him, and how we could never ever have an us.” He wheezed in a quick full breath,. “He asked, well didn’t so much ask as try to crawl into my lap and I told him right away that things could not happen that way and he was really, really good about it but I think he won’t stop trying because he had this look in his eye that just makes me think he’s eating me alive. Wow was that a lotta wine,” He opened his eyes wide and rolled them around, obviously trying to wake himself up a bit.

“Right, no scotch for you,” Spike took the glass away from Xander and poured the scotch into his own glass before taking a deep swallow to fortify himself. “But I need to tell you something, now. It can’t wait Xander. Are you sober enough to understand what I’m saying or should I go make some coffee? ’cuz if I’ve gotta tell ya twice, I don’t think I could do it so I’d rather wait.” It sounded fake to him - his words, his voice. He felt like he was on the outside looking in, and everything was at a different angle, every sound filtered and oddly clear, he couldn’t seem to bring himself back. He drifted in this empty place he’d eased himself into without noticing and thought to himself, Maybe it’s better this way. Maybe it’ll hurt less when he looks at me with disgust and fear. Maybe I won’t feel it when he rips my heart out with those brown eyes, accusations making them sharp and cold. Maybe.

Xander blinked owlishly at him before plunking himself down on the empty chair and leaning back, making a coaxing motion with his hands for Spike to go on. “’m not that drunk, and I won’t know if you gotta tell me twice till tomorrow so you may as well just say it and get it off your chest. We can always talk more about it later. So, what’s up? But if it’s got a name that sounds like a tree or something that rhymes with “fluffy” or “payer” the answer will be no…. Don’t care how they got to you or what they’re holding over you or whatever, I say no,” and he shook his head emphatically until he stopped, which was when he held the sides of his head and bit back a groan, the alcohol obviously making him somewhat drunk and unbalanced.

Spike blinked stupidly in response for a few seconds, letting the babble soak in and process itself before he responded. “Has nothin’ to bloody well do with them. They’re from before, this has to do with now. Listen to me Xander, someone’s been watchin’ the house.”

“What? What do you mean ‘watching the house’?” Xander moved forward with startling speed to stare directly into Spike’s eyes, who didn’t flinch away, but did sit back with a sigh. Whatever it was that had obviously been bothering Xander before was over with, this new concern pushing it effortlessly aside and put Spike right on center stage. He had a right to know, to know just how far things could go if they went as bad as they could.

He started at the beginning, drawing out his tale as long as he could. “Long, long before you were born, I was, and I got turned into a vampire by a complete loon and Sired in all ways that matter by a psychopath.” He took another sip and swallowed thickly, the sting of liquor barely registering. He quickly blinked tears he couldn’t even begin to understand the cause of away, fighting to hide the trembling in his hands. “Thing is, he didn’t just teach me to give it, he taught me to take it too. Take pain you couldn’t even begin to imagine and beg for more. Taught me to take it and crave it like a drug.” Xander’s impatient and fear filled look faded as he leaned back in his chair to keep listening, not making a mention of how Spike’s voice cracked at the word ‘crave’, or how Spike could no longer meet his eyes.

He pulled from deep inside for the strength he needed to keep going, to keep admitting secrets and truths he’d never fully admitted to anyone else before. It felt searing, this admitting, this openness and vulnerability; he wasn’t sure he liked it. “When I turned human, those lessons still stuck. When things get… stressful or-or when I’m, when I get to feeling like everything is just too much, too heavy, too -full- I still… I still need it.” He looked up at Xander, trying to gauge some kind of emotion off of him, but he came up blank. Yet another time vampire smelling woulda come in bloody handy. How’m I supposed to know if he’s disgusted with me, or horny at the thought or even if he’s just quietly accepting? He’s giving me nothing to work with! Nothing!

He took a deep breath and let it out slowly before taking in another and kept his story going. “It’s called BDSM in the human world, it’s much safer, there’s even general guidelines, rules, hell some people even have classes about the proper way to do things so things stay as safe as possible, and the best part? It’s only done between consenting adults. That part sold me right away, it’s not about force or dominance or demons fighting for control it was all about personal choice. I had a safe word, safe calls, I even had contracts written up and signed by all parties involved, I was crazy about being safe. I promise, I really was very very safe.”

He had to tell him, give himself a little defence for when the storm finally broke. It wasn’t his fault! He’d done everything right! “No one knew where I lived, how I worked or what my real or even my stage name was. I had something completely different for when I was there and I made sure no one followed me home, I was careful, I promise. But someone… someone followed me home and I don’t know what he’s capable of.”

“You mean you played oh so safely with someone who isn’t safe anymore?” Xander justly accused him, his voice almost strangled in his throat. Fear… he didn’t need to smell it to know it was heavy in the room. Xander must stink of it, the room felt heavy with it, and Spike had caused it. Spike had made Xander terrified, scared of where he sat, where he slept, where he -lived- and of course Xander was going to stink of it, and it was all Spike’s fault..

Spike flinched in response, sure he had to say everything now, sure he could keep nothing back even if it made Xander leave out of his own safety. “He was safe to play with pet, what he wasn’t safe for was falling for me. Had an agreement, often discussed and reaffirmed that we’d never do anything other than play and after care, nothing else. We’d have no relationship other than what we went to the dungeon for and that was final. He just changed all that.”

~*~

Xander felt ice stiffen inside his chest, the fear that it was his fault long gone, now all he could think about was what the hell Spike had gotten himself into, and apparently dragged Xander into against his will as well! Less than a full week living under the ex-vampire’s roof and already he was getting fucked around. And worse yet, maybe this was Spike’s way of kicking him out in a ‘I got a Master now Xander, I gotta live the life he tells me to’ way. For all I know this is him trying to kick me out. Maybe I shouldn’t have dipped into that envelope as deeply as I had… I do have to find a place of my own soon enough.

Xander looked over Spike again, noting the dark circles under his eyes, the wavering timbre of his voice, the blotchy skin and still clumped together lashes that betrayed his hidden tears. Looks like he’s about to fall to pieces, tons of itty bitty pieces. Maybe he’s not kicking me out… maybe he’s afraid I’ll opt to move out on my own. But why would he care about that? Stop being such a damned idiot and just listen to him. He’s probably telling me the truth now for the first time… ever. Least I could do is listen to him spill his guts and rip himself into pieces inside.

“But him knowing where you live makes you think something bad is going to happen to me, so you’re warning me of what could possibly happen. So warn me already, what’s he capable of? What should I look out for?” What are you afraid of that he’s going to do to me if he catches me? What have you gotten me into this time you bleached… you bleached dunderhead!

“Because before he was playing by the rules and now he’s not, after all this time he’s broken the pattern, Xand. I did keep a watch for it before for quite some time but he seemed like me, in it only for the play an’ nothing else. I was wrong, I know that now but he knows where I live Xander, he broke two rules he always swore he’d never break… I don’t know what he’s capable of.”

“Wanna know the funny part?” He chuckled under his breath and drained his glass, stalling for as long as he dared. “The funny part is, I thought… with everyone havin’ a soul, with all those rules, with all those willing people, I’d be safe. I bought into the hype, let my guard down an’ now let you down. I wouldn’t put it past him to try to do something to the club or something so I can’t dance anymore but I’m not gonna let him chase me off the stage. That place is mine and I will damned well fight for it. Won’t let him break me, won’t let him win.” The last he said under his breath, quietly, and more to himself than to Xander who was sitting so close to him all he had to do was reach… and he’d be right there. Spike shook himself, NO dammit! Not a distraction, not gonna stop, gotta get it all out all out there.

He looked up at Xander and held his hands briefly between his own warmer ones, the odd contrast wasn’t lost on him… Xander was terrified. “I picked him because he seemed perfectly trustworthy and had been for ages I didn’t think he’d really… I picked him because he was the safest alternative to Angelus,” he finally whispered his confession, looking away.

“I picked him because he could give me what I needed and no one else could. Should have looked harder n’now that I haven’t… he’s been watching the house, pet. He’s got to know you’re living here and I’m not so I’m moving back in, nothing at Steve’s place that can’t be done in ten minutes on Sunday and then you’ll come with. I don’t want you leaving or coming home without me. I know it sounds petty, but I wouldn’t put it past him to go after my friends and those I’m close to, first. There was a reason I picked him, after all.” Xander gripped his hands harder and nodded. He felt his face pale and his hands turn clammy in response to that trigger, Angelus… of course, he picked someone as close to that psychopath as he could, because he’s stupid, so very very stupid. I don’t know how many kinds of stupid he is but it’s enough to paint a damned rainbow! IDIOT!

“Psycho ex-kinda boyfriend who beat you like you needed it might come after your friends. Doesn’t seem like ground that’s too foreign to me. Thank you, for telling me.” And he meant that, every word, but he was still terrified and quite upset. He couldn’t help noting the shining look in Spike’s own eyes, and thought back to what he’d been told. The blond had laid himself bare before Xander, opened himself up and left nothing behind, all in the name of Xander being as safe as possible. “You didn’t… you didn’t have to tell me everything you know. I would have understood…”

Spike blinked suspiciously damp eyes and went on with a husky voice. “Wanted you to know everythin’ in case something… in case it should come in handy…. I couldn’t… I didn’t want to keep anything from you an’ regret it later, my baggage, yeah?” His voice was low, calm, sincere. Xander just nodded, feeling it was the simplest and easiest course of action.

“Alright, thanks for trusting me, and I’m sorry about the babble and thanks for warning me and for not trying to get rid of me or something for my own safety.” He felt his hands starting their uncontrollable trembling again and pulled them from Spike’s warm grasp. I thought this was over! I thought I’d be safer now, no more looking over my shoulder for my father, for vampires or demons, for anything! I’m stuck here and someone’s probably after me and going to kill me or-or… Angelus. He had to get someone who was a human Angelus… How could he be so stupid?

“You can take care of yourself, saw that downstairs when you took down Daijon and left no one bruised beyond what they’d earned. I figure long as we’re careful things’ll work out. Besides, you’re not much of a ‘go-out-on-your-own’ kinda bloke, I figure this’ll be easy to take care of ‘til I talk to him face to face and reiterate where I stand.”

“Think he’ll listen?”

“I’ll make sure I’m talking loud and clear, no worries about that…” He felt a smile tug at his lips, feral and hungry. It had been a while since he felt confident about his abilities but he figured one human? Easy doings, especially with his background on dealing with demons and showing dominance and all that jazz, Greg won’t know what hit him.

He could do this. How hard could it be?