Life (or Unlife) Goes On
folder
-Buffy the Vampire Slayer › Threesomes/Moresomes › Angel(us)/Spike(William)/Xander
Rating:
Adult ++
Chapters:
43
Views:
23,091
Reviews:
100
Recommended:
0
Currently Reading:
0
Category:
-Buffy the Vampire Slayer › Threesomes/Moresomes › Angel(us)/Spike(William)/Xander
Rating:
Adult ++
Chapters:
43
Views:
23,091
Reviews:
100
Recommended:
0
Currently Reading:
0
Disclaimer:
I do not own Buffy the Vampire Slayer (BtVS), nor any of the characters from it. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.
Affirmation
Title: Life (or Unlife) Goes On
Author: AddictedtoBuffy
Pairing: A/S/X
Rating: PG
Spoilers: Set after Angel Season 5 so any episode could be referenced.
Warnings: M/M if you don't like, don't play here and for this chap mild languague
A/N: Thankyou for everyone who continues to read even though this fic keeps getting longer and longer. Speacil thanks to anyone who has ever taken the time out to reveiw. They are always treasured
Reminder: // = Remembered conversation
Reveiws:
Rene - Glad your enjoying the story. I love Xander even if it doesn't seem it when I've made him a drunk and an addict
Christine - Yet again thanks for the continued encouragement. You always seem to say exactly what I need to hear. I'm glad this story has an emotional impact and yes I feel for Xander too but I don't blame him after everything he has gone through. Hope you enjoy this update
Chapter Twenty-One
Angel’s POV
Xander is yelling, he has totally lost all hope, all sense of why we fight and I realise that for the past year I have been feeling the same. For a while there at Wolfram and Hart it was easier to let things slide, to ignore the little evils because there were so many big evils being committed and then I started to ignore the big ones but then Cordelia came with one final message. I am supposed to be a champion, she was a champion so was Wesley and even shy little Fred. There isn’t supposed to be a gain and so I took on the Black Thorn not to win but to at least prevent those atrocities that I could and take as many as the bastards with me as I could. After Fred, sweet pure Fred so soon after Cordelia a part of me couldn’t bare to deal and I was sure I would die. Piss the Senior Partners off enough and they should pummel you into the ground or send you to a holding dimension or something. Unfortunately yet again against all the odds I am still here. That must be what it was like for Xander when they closed the Hellmouth, he had lost his eye almost lost both and so many people he knew as well. With the closing of the Hellmouth he lost his whole life, Sunnydale was gone yet there were still fights to be fought and battles to be lost. Life keeps going on, it doesn’t stop and part of life is death and unpleasantness.
“What the fuck are we fighting for? Why fight? What is this whole fucking thing about?” I finally get it.
“We fight because we can, because we see how the world is but we don’t accept it. We know that the world could be better and so we fight for that, sacrifice our lives for that ideal even though we may never see the world change. Because if we don’t fight, if we do nothing they win.” I quietly say almost to myself. Xander turns to look at me surprised as if he had forgotten I was here.
“Yeah Deadboy, that’s great but I’m tired I can’t fucking do it anymore, I can’t do it all.”
“Nobody’s saying you have to do it on your own. You don’t have to even go out and fight, just stop hurting yourself.” Lorne speaks, I wonder what he has picked up, with everything that has been going on the last couple of days, he has probably sensed enough emotions to get a headache.
“And do what? Be the Zeppo fetch Doughnuts and provide the comic relief.”
“Xander give yourself a break, Andrew’s taken that over now and you know so much on the research front or construction work, this place is falling apart.” I think that is the longest sentence I have ever heard coming from Oz.
“I…I don’t think I can anymore, I can’t forget.”
“No one’s asking you to forget. For your own sake I’m going to implement a spell Willow gave me that will mean that you cannot leave the hotel unless your with someone. Think of it as rehab. We both know you are going to go through withdrawals and cravings, this way you can’t give in to temptation.” I wait for the inevitable explosion at that piece of news but instead, he sinks down onto a couch and runs his hands through his hair. He looks so old and small sitting there, so defeated.
“Whatever, Deadboy, just go for it, won’t change anything though.” Its going to take some time getting through to him, meanwhile, I need to deal with Drusilla right now.
“Spike, where did you see Drusilla last night and what did she say? Lorne what did you see? I know your policy is confidentiality but she didn’t ask for a reading and after what she has done, she needs to be staked.” Spike and Lorne look at each other as if trying to work out who should speak first. Whoops maybe I shouldn’t have asked all my questions at once.
“We were in the demon bar at the corner of Deer and Crawford. She ah she was making about as much sense as normal or maybe even less ‘cos there was nothing I’d call coherent. Except telling me that I was naughty for trying to stake her. Um something about the nasty burning sun and not finding happiness til the topsy turvey kitten.” Either she has become worse or I’ve lost all ability to decipher Drusilla speech.
“Kitten, was she talking about kittens in general or a singular one?” Xander asks, why is he even curious?
“Look Xander when she’s talking about a kitten she might not be talking about a kitten as such, it could be anything or it might mean nothing.” I try to explain, I suppose it is better if he is interested in something.
“Spike, was it a kitten or kittens because she has called me her kitten before and if it has something to do with me I’d like to know.” Shit he is right, I had forgotten, when I was Angelus before I took him, there was a spell or something, anyway any female who saw Xander instantly wanted him including Drusilla and it was then that she called him ‘kitten’.
“I think it was kitten and she said that the kitten will make it all topsy turvey then something about Spike being happy.” Lorne remembers, Spike being happy, shit it sounds like Xander and Spike, Drusilla saw Xander and Spike together. I don’t think I could deal with that, I want them both, knowing that they were together would drive me crazy. “As for what I saw it was mostly about trapping Spike by use of the Fyral Demon mucus in the alley then taking him somewhere to torture the soul out of him and teach him where his loyalties should lie but I don’t know exactly where she was going to take him.” I sigh, I have a fair idea of the types of things she would do to Spike and he would eventually break. I look up and catch his eye, he knows as well as I do what would have happened. Thank goodness Lorne was there. She needs to be stopped.
“Its okay Lorne every little thing you remember can help. Okay this is what we are going to do. Myself, Faith, Illyria and Conner will go see if we can track down Drusilla. Riley if you hear anything will you let us know?” He nods at me and gets up and goes out silently but he does glance back at Xander. “Oz I need you to check on and look after Nina for me, is that okay?” Another werewolf is probably going to be able to help her right now more than anyone else. She is the only one not down here, well apart from Thyme and Illyria but I know that Illyria will be able to hear this discussion. Oz looks at me and I nod towards Xander who has his head in his hands. Oz nods to say he has got the message, he needs to look after Xander as well. “Spike, Lorne I need you to write down everything you can remember Dru saying and everything you read Lorne. And Spike it might be a good idea to unchain Thyme for a little while but keep a close eye on her.” I don’t look at him as I say this, I can’t its too painful. “The rest of you can research, places where Drusilla could be, where she might of kept Thyme and try to make sense of her ramblings, cross reference them with accounts from the watchers diaries.” Without another word I get up and go to my office, I’m sick of talking, I need to get ready to go and stake my childe. It doesn’t matter that I have a soul, it is still a very painful experience. I know, I staked Penn.
********
Xander’s POV
All my friends or at least all these people I have fought with are around me discussing Drusilla or starting on their various assignments and all I want to do is run away, to escape them. Horrible I know but I’m sick of it. Sick of their pity, sick of their secretive glances thrown my way, sick of them treating me like I could break and shatter like glass. I am also sick of knowing that at some point these people are going to die in unnatural circumstances up against a foe that will never stop coming. The hair on the back of my neck prickles, someone is staring at me, I look up and see it’s the dark man who I saw last night, I still don’t know his name. I walk over and sit on the hospital like bed he is on, the rest don’t pay me any attention. He has a couple of bandages peeking out from under his clothes and there are crutches beside the bed.
“Hey man, I’m Gunn, I worked with Angel for the last few years so your Cordy’s high school sweetheart ha?” At hearing dear sweet bitchy Cordelia’s name I flinch. I know what it is like to be possessed. It must have been horrible for her to be stuck inside her body for almost a year, watching but not being able to effect anything before the end.
“Yeah, we had a thing in High School.” I still feel so guilty about how it ended, she finally let me see the person under the bitch and then I betrayed her like that. “So how come you work for Angel?” I need to change the subject, I don’t want to dwell without a bottle of something strong and a pill or two. Shit how am I ever going to be able to exist without those things to dull it all? I am so preoccupied with my thoughts that I almost don’t here his answer.
“Used to live on the streets. A group of us tried to keep the neighbourhood safe from vampires, I met Angel when we tried to kill him but he saved my sister so… Then not too much later, the vamps grabbed my sister and turned her. I had to stake her. Angel helped us dust the nest and I then started helping him out.”
“Your sister, shit. I know what that likes, I staked my best friend, my first vampire.” He was so much more than that and the pain of keeping what Jessie means to me a secret is significant but I was young and scared of what people would think. Then everyone forgot that he even existed except me but I kept my pain to myself and showed the world my goofy mask.
“Yeah, hey if you ever want to talk about what you let spill last night, not all the details ‘cos I am definitely straight and so don’t want to hear about my boss like that, but if you ever want to talk about how you felt, I’m hear. I know feelings is mostly a girl thing but if you are around Cordelia for a while, you end up talking about them and I reckon you would know that.” Talk about Angelus, something I have never done.
/You need to be under someone taking their cock and begging for more. Its where you belong./
I can’t help but think he might have been right. All the women I have tried to be attracted to were strong domineering types and the men I have secretly desired since Jessie have been the same. I have never had a sexual experience I have initiated, well, since the closing of the hellmouth I might have provoked some encounters. Out of the depths of my thoughts I realise that Gunn has been talking to me. I try to focus on the words but they don’t seem to make any sense. I look up at the room and it is all blurring and spinning. I stand up trying to get everything to focus but my legs give way underneath me. I fall on the ground and my world goes black but for a moment I can hear perfectly.
“Shit he really is fucked-up isn’t he? Think we can help him?”
“I don’t know pet, I don’t know”
Author: AddictedtoBuffy
Pairing: A/S/X
Rating: PG
Spoilers: Set after Angel Season 5 so any episode could be referenced.
Warnings: M/M if you don't like, don't play here and for this chap mild languague
A/N: Thankyou for everyone who continues to read even though this fic keeps getting longer and longer. Speacil thanks to anyone who has ever taken the time out to reveiw. They are always treasured
Reminder: // = Remembered conversation
Reveiws:
Rene - Glad your enjoying the story. I love Xander even if it doesn't seem it when I've made him a drunk and an addict
Christine - Yet again thanks for the continued encouragement. You always seem to say exactly what I need to hear. I'm glad this story has an emotional impact and yes I feel for Xander too but I don't blame him after everything he has gone through. Hope you enjoy this update
Chapter Twenty-One
Angel’s POV
Xander is yelling, he has totally lost all hope, all sense of why we fight and I realise that for the past year I have been feeling the same. For a while there at Wolfram and Hart it was easier to let things slide, to ignore the little evils because there were so many big evils being committed and then I started to ignore the big ones but then Cordelia came with one final message. I am supposed to be a champion, she was a champion so was Wesley and even shy little Fred. There isn’t supposed to be a gain and so I took on the Black Thorn not to win but to at least prevent those atrocities that I could and take as many as the bastards with me as I could. After Fred, sweet pure Fred so soon after Cordelia a part of me couldn’t bare to deal and I was sure I would die. Piss the Senior Partners off enough and they should pummel you into the ground or send you to a holding dimension or something. Unfortunately yet again against all the odds I am still here. That must be what it was like for Xander when they closed the Hellmouth, he had lost his eye almost lost both and so many people he knew as well. With the closing of the Hellmouth he lost his whole life, Sunnydale was gone yet there were still fights to be fought and battles to be lost. Life keeps going on, it doesn’t stop and part of life is death and unpleasantness.
“What the fuck are we fighting for? Why fight? What is this whole fucking thing about?” I finally get it.
“We fight because we can, because we see how the world is but we don’t accept it. We know that the world could be better and so we fight for that, sacrifice our lives for that ideal even though we may never see the world change. Because if we don’t fight, if we do nothing they win.” I quietly say almost to myself. Xander turns to look at me surprised as if he had forgotten I was here.
“Yeah Deadboy, that’s great but I’m tired I can’t fucking do it anymore, I can’t do it all.”
“Nobody’s saying you have to do it on your own. You don’t have to even go out and fight, just stop hurting yourself.” Lorne speaks, I wonder what he has picked up, with everything that has been going on the last couple of days, he has probably sensed enough emotions to get a headache.
“And do what? Be the Zeppo fetch Doughnuts and provide the comic relief.”
“Xander give yourself a break, Andrew’s taken that over now and you know so much on the research front or construction work, this place is falling apart.” I think that is the longest sentence I have ever heard coming from Oz.
“I…I don’t think I can anymore, I can’t forget.”
“No one’s asking you to forget. For your own sake I’m going to implement a spell Willow gave me that will mean that you cannot leave the hotel unless your with someone. Think of it as rehab. We both know you are going to go through withdrawals and cravings, this way you can’t give in to temptation.” I wait for the inevitable explosion at that piece of news but instead, he sinks down onto a couch and runs his hands through his hair. He looks so old and small sitting there, so defeated.
“Whatever, Deadboy, just go for it, won’t change anything though.” Its going to take some time getting through to him, meanwhile, I need to deal with Drusilla right now.
“Spike, where did you see Drusilla last night and what did she say? Lorne what did you see? I know your policy is confidentiality but she didn’t ask for a reading and after what she has done, she needs to be staked.” Spike and Lorne look at each other as if trying to work out who should speak first. Whoops maybe I shouldn’t have asked all my questions at once.
“We were in the demon bar at the corner of Deer and Crawford. She ah she was making about as much sense as normal or maybe even less ‘cos there was nothing I’d call coherent. Except telling me that I was naughty for trying to stake her. Um something about the nasty burning sun and not finding happiness til the topsy turvey kitten.” Either she has become worse or I’ve lost all ability to decipher Drusilla speech.
“Kitten, was she talking about kittens in general or a singular one?” Xander asks, why is he even curious?
“Look Xander when she’s talking about a kitten she might not be talking about a kitten as such, it could be anything or it might mean nothing.” I try to explain, I suppose it is better if he is interested in something.
“Spike, was it a kitten or kittens because she has called me her kitten before and if it has something to do with me I’d like to know.” Shit he is right, I had forgotten, when I was Angelus before I took him, there was a spell or something, anyway any female who saw Xander instantly wanted him including Drusilla and it was then that she called him ‘kitten’.
“I think it was kitten and she said that the kitten will make it all topsy turvey then something about Spike being happy.” Lorne remembers, Spike being happy, shit it sounds like Xander and Spike, Drusilla saw Xander and Spike together. I don’t think I could deal with that, I want them both, knowing that they were together would drive me crazy. “As for what I saw it was mostly about trapping Spike by use of the Fyral Demon mucus in the alley then taking him somewhere to torture the soul out of him and teach him where his loyalties should lie but I don’t know exactly where she was going to take him.” I sigh, I have a fair idea of the types of things she would do to Spike and he would eventually break. I look up and catch his eye, he knows as well as I do what would have happened. Thank goodness Lorne was there. She needs to be stopped.
“Its okay Lorne every little thing you remember can help. Okay this is what we are going to do. Myself, Faith, Illyria and Conner will go see if we can track down Drusilla. Riley if you hear anything will you let us know?” He nods at me and gets up and goes out silently but he does glance back at Xander. “Oz I need you to check on and look after Nina for me, is that okay?” Another werewolf is probably going to be able to help her right now more than anyone else. She is the only one not down here, well apart from Thyme and Illyria but I know that Illyria will be able to hear this discussion. Oz looks at me and I nod towards Xander who has his head in his hands. Oz nods to say he has got the message, he needs to look after Xander as well. “Spike, Lorne I need you to write down everything you can remember Dru saying and everything you read Lorne. And Spike it might be a good idea to unchain Thyme for a little while but keep a close eye on her.” I don’t look at him as I say this, I can’t its too painful. “The rest of you can research, places where Drusilla could be, where she might of kept Thyme and try to make sense of her ramblings, cross reference them with accounts from the watchers diaries.” Without another word I get up and go to my office, I’m sick of talking, I need to get ready to go and stake my childe. It doesn’t matter that I have a soul, it is still a very painful experience. I know, I staked Penn.
********
Xander’s POV
All my friends or at least all these people I have fought with are around me discussing Drusilla or starting on their various assignments and all I want to do is run away, to escape them. Horrible I know but I’m sick of it. Sick of their pity, sick of their secretive glances thrown my way, sick of them treating me like I could break and shatter like glass. I am also sick of knowing that at some point these people are going to die in unnatural circumstances up against a foe that will never stop coming. The hair on the back of my neck prickles, someone is staring at me, I look up and see it’s the dark man who I saw last night, I still don’t know his name. I walk over and sit on the hospital like bed he is on, the rest don’t pay me any attention. He has a couple of bandages peeking out from under his clothes and there are crutches beside the bed.
“Hey man, I’m Gunn, I worked with Angel for the last few years so your Cordy’s high school sweetheart ha?” At hearing dear sweet bitchy Cordelia’s name I flinch. I know what it is like to be possessed. It must have been horrible for her to be stuck inside her body for almost a year, watching but not being able to effect anything before the end.
“Yeah, we had a thing in High School.” I still feel so guilty about how it ended, she finally let me see the person under the bitch and then I betrayed her like that. “So how come you work for Angel?” I need to change the subject, I don’t want to dwell without a bottle of something strong and a pill or two. Shit how am I ever going to be able to exist without those things to dull it all? I am so preoccupied with my thoughts that I almost don’t here his answer.
“Used to live on the streets. A group of us tried to keep the neighbourhood safe from vampires, I met Angel when we tried to kill him but he saved my sister so… Then not too much later, the vamps grabbed my sister and turned her. I had to stake her. Angel helped us dust the nest and I then started helping him out.”
“Your sister, shit. I know what that likes, I staked my best friend, my first vampire.” He was so much more than that and the pain of keeping what Jessie means to me a secret is significant but I was young and scared of what people would think. Then everyone forgot that he even existed except me but I kept my pain to myself and showed the world my goofy mask.
“Yeah, hey if you ever want to talk about what you let spill last night, not all the details ‘cos I am definitely straight and so don’t want to hear about my boss like that, but if you ever want to talk about how you felt, I’m hear. I know feelings is mostly a girl thing but if you are around Cordelia for a while, you end up talking about them and I reckon you would know that.” Talk about Angelus, something I have never done.
/You need to be under someone taking their cock and begging for more. Its where you belong./
I can’t help but think he might have been right. All the women I have tried to be attracted to were strong domineering types and the men I have secretly desired since Jessie have been the same. I have never had a sexual experience I have initiated, well, since the closing of the hellmouth I might have provoked some encounters. Out of the depths of my thoughts I realise that Gunn has been talking to me. I try to focus on the words but they don’t seem to make any sense. I look up at the room and it is all blurring and spinning. I stand up trying to get everything to focus but my legs give way underneath me. I fall on the ground and my world goes black but for a moment I can hear perfectly.
“Shit he really is fucked-up isn’t he? Think we can help him?”
“I don’t know pet, I don’t know”