Choices

Chapter Twenty

Buffy didn't get very far because not only was Angel hot on her heels, but so was Willow. Angel reached her first, grabbing her arm and spinning her around, making her look at him.

"Buffy, what the hell just happened?"

"I danced with you."

"Buffy, that was...Can we go someplace and talk, please?"

She was remiss to deny Angel much of anything, but this was something she most definitely did NOT want to do. Mostly because she was not looking to explain hetiontions or her feelings to Angel when she had yet to figure them out herself. Coupled with the fact that she knew they had almost kissed and she was more than certain of his love for her, she was feeling guilt to the max about Spike.

"You can't leave Wesley, you came here with him, remember?" She reminded him, desperate to find a way out.

"I'm sure he won't mind, not like we can do much talking here anyway. I can just tell him that something came up, because well, something did." He was pleading with her and she found she couldn't look at him. If she looked in his eyes, she'd cave. Spike had the same affect on her. One look in those gorgeous blue eyes so full of sincerity and she was lost. They must have been sent here to drive her out of her mind. Demons and vampire's weren't going to kill her, the two vampire's assigned to protect her would.

"No, really Angel, you shouldn't. Wesley?s a client and you should stay with him. I'm going to Willow's anyway."

Angel looked defeated. He rubbed his forehead. "So, you're not coming home tonight?"

She shook her head. "I'll see you tomorrow."

"When? When will you be home? We have to talk Buffy."

"About what? A dance? Come on now Angel. Not like we haven't danced before."

"Just a dance? I don't recall you running from me like that when we've danced before." His voice took on a hard edge, which contrasted the defeated expression on his face. Was he taking lessons from Spike now on how to call her bluff? All she could do was stand there, dumbfounded.

"Uh, Buffy, you forgot your jacket. Oz and I are heading out, are you coming?" Willow to the rescue.

She snapped out of her daze and stared at Willow who was waiting expectantly and kept darting nervous glances between her and Angel.

"Yeah, I'm coming...with you."

"Buffy," Angel tried one last time to plead with her.

"Angel, I'll see you tomorrow."

He hung his head in defeat. "Fine, go." He walked away from her and she just stood there and watched him walk away from her feeling like the biggest bitch on the planet.

"Uh, Buffy? What the hell just happened out there?" Willow asked.

Buffy turned to Willow then; feeling defeated herself. "Houston, we have a problem."

********

An hour later, Buffy and Willow were sitting on the floor in Willow's bedroom with chocolate, chips and Coke spread out before them. Willow had taken the situation under control and informed Oz that her and Buffy were needing a girl's night. Oz, not one to complain, saw no issue with it and headed off with his band mates for the night.

"All right Buffy, spill."

Buffy took a deep breath. "Where should I start?"

"How about what happened on that dance floor? It didn't look like someone who isn't in love with him was out there with him. The way you guys looked at each just before you bolted was way intense. Plus, I thought either you were going to take Faith's head off or she was going to take yours off after you cut in.
I'm not going to beat around the bush anymore Buffy. I'm going to ask you a question and you're going to be honest with me. If I don't think you're being honest with me, I'm going to ask you until you're honest, got it?"

"Okay, Militant Willow is creeping me out."

"Tough. Question number one: Do you love Spike?"

"Yes."


"Do you love Angel? Wait, let me rephrase. Are you in love with Spike?"

"Yes."

"Are you in love with Angel?"


Silence.

Willow made the sound of an alarm and then said "time's up! While your silence answers my question, I'm going to ask you again and you're going to answer it because the only way you're ever going to deal with it is by acknowledging it and accepting it."

"Psych major, right?"

"Are you in love with Angel." When Willow got going, she didn't take any crap.

Buffy took a deep breath, scrunched up her face, shut her eyes tightly and answered. "Yes."

"Thank you, I knew that. I told you!"

"It doesn't help anything, it doesn't make anything better, it only makes everything that much worse!"

"That's a possibility."

"Possibility? Try certainly. Here I am already afraid to tell Angel about Spike, how the hell am I supposed to tell Spike about A? Ho? How can I believe with two men at the same time? There are not Cosmo articles about this. Well, there are, but it's usually how to dump the wrong one so you can be with the right one. What happens when both are right for you? I cannot choose between the two of them, Will. I can't do it and you can't ask me to do it. That would be like asking me which appendage I'd rather lose: My arm or my leg? Because I pretty much need both of them!
Angel is my...angel. He's sweet and sensitive, he's diplomatic and gentle, yet fierce when he needs to be. He?s always by my side, always ON my side and he's the sweetest, most gentle man I've ever met. When I need someone to just be there for me, I can always count on Angel.
And then there's Spike...my champion. While Angel is drying my tears and comforting me, Spike is fighting for me and slaying my dragons. He has such a tender side to him that it just bowls me over. He doesn't let me hide from myself and makes me see things for what they really are. He never takes my crap.
Both of them are so loyal and protective of me, they're so smart and amazing that I could not make the choice. I should be able to make it though, shouldn't I? I'm not a Mormon; I don't do the polygamy thing. At least I didn't think I did. Yet here I am, I'm in love with two men--one of whom I'm already involved with and have already hurt by not being able to be honest with Angel.
So, what do I do? I tell Angel that I'm with Spike and then what? I hurt him, break his heart--which would surely break mine to do--thereby losing him. Then what? Am I honest with Spike? Do I tell him I'm in love with Angel? I do that and I hurt him and lose him in the process too. Or do I keep my mouth shut and stay with...who? One of them. I just choose one and stay with them all the while secretly harboring love for the other. How is that fair to them? To me?
All this time Will...all this time with Spike I always felt as if something was missing. Now I know exactly what it is. It's Angel. I need both of them. They are my arms, they are my legs and without them I'm not a whole person. My heart can't discriminate between them and yet that's what I'm forced to do.
All I want is for everything to be back to normal. I want them to just be Angel and Spike, the vampire's who watch over me, the vampire's who are my best friends with no romantic love feelings for either of them. I want to go back to being clueless about how they feel. I want my mom here so she can tell me what she thinks I should do. I want her to tell me stop being such a child and then tell me what to do because I sure as hell don't know what to do and the choices I make aren't helping anyone!"

Buffy finished her rant and let her cry come out of her. She was exhausted--emotionally, physically and mentallyllowllow silently wrapped her arms around her and stroked her friend's back as she cried.

"Someone is bound to get hurt Buffy, no matter what happens," Willow explained softly. "It's just the way it goes in love. Your heart loves whom it loves, even if it happens to be both of them.
It's like...a mother. A mother whom has three children. You couldn't ask a mother which child she'd choose to be rid of. A mother wouldn't be able to make that choice.
Let me ask you a question. If you could combine the two into one entity, would you?"

Buffy looked up at her friend, wiping her tears away as she contemplated the question. "I would think I would say yes, because you know hypothetically, they'd be the perfect man if combined. But I can't combine them. Sometimes, I just need an Angel to just hold onto at the same time I need a Spike to slay my dragons. I need both of them, sometimes together, sometimes separately. It's hard to explabut but I need both of them in all their similarities and contrasts to make me complete. Does that make sense?"

"Yes."

"So, can you write the Cosmo article for me and tell me what to do? What do I do now, Will?"

Willow shook her head and regarded Buffy with a sympathetic gaze. "I don't know Buffy. I just don't know."

TBC...