This little girl

This chapter is only from Faith’s POV. It is still about the same length give or take.

Trying to make some resolutions possible here. I don’t want to seem overdramatic. I did get a few comments – that that was the case. I do have to say though, the secondary characters are added as most of the comedic release – a sort of breath from all the theatrical antics of the two main characters. I’m thinking now that this did not always come across. Sorry.

That being said, I do think that several chapters had breaks from the drama. I don’t like fluffiness and sugary sweet goodness and am unable to write it. But I hope that in my broody moods I have not created something melodramatic – cause that was also not my goal.

Either way, I know that many of you really enjoy it. And that makes me feel good. Strokes my ego, that sort of thing. Please don’t stop reviewing. I can’t go without them. Junkie that I am.

Also, though, I ask you please be nice. Not just to me, in fact, no one has been overly mean or anything. But I have read some downright nasty reviews for a few other stories. If you haven't guessed already - this is really difficult to do. Even if you don't like it - or you disagree - or whatever - it wouldn't hurt people to be respectful. At least people are trying to create something. That being said, I'm sorry if some of you didn't like this chapter or the previous one. It actually hurts my feelings, and that's probably the saddest part about the whole thing.

Again, please let me know and thanks for reading.

Disclaimer - Whedon

Faith’s POV

Well, that was sobering. I heard the door shut. I’m not saying a damn thing. I’ll just stand here and look at my feet all day. I don’t care. Back for a day and…the Scoobies want to kill me. Least B and Angel were in the same boat.

Buffy cleared her throat, “Well…” She said.

I looked up to her. She was staring at the door, her mouth opening and closing, like she was trying to think of something to say. She looked from me to Angel. We hadn’t moved from the wall. I felt like a coward.

Angel spoke first, “I feel like a jackass.” I had to bite the sarcasm. Make up with Angel…right. That’s what I was supposed to be doing. Fuck if that wasn’t going to be hard.

“Should we go out there?” I couldn’t admit to myself that the thought of Annie finding comfort with…Jesus Cordy of all people…was…well heartbreaking. I’m not even worried about being a sap anymore. I’m more worried about being an ass.

Buffy turned to look at me. She smiled a little, “You wanna go out there?” I shook my head fervently. She turned to Angel. He did the same. She shrugged, “Guess we are stuck in here then.”

The thought of being stuck in here with B…well, we’d kill each other, but we’d have a whole lot of fun doing it. Angel…not as hot a prospect.

Angel smiled a bit. Don’t get me wrong…would still stake him and all given less than a chance but at least he’s trying. “What if I get hungry?” It would have been a stake-able comment if he hadn’t been grinning. And not that creepy Angelus grin. Cause don’t think I didn’t check.

I cocked an eyebrow at him, “That would almost be poetic. Dying in here from starvation when you could eat us. The vampire community would just shun you.” I laughed.

“Cause I’m their idol now. Certainly don’t wanna fuck that up.” He smiled.

Buffy was watching us like we were insane. “What is with the two of you?” She was serious. “You two were at each other’s throat twenty minutes ago. Now you’re best freakin friends.”

“Well I wouldn’t say we were best friends,” I tried. “Plus finding myself shifting my anger.”

“Don’t hold it against them,” Buffy said. “I think that we are getting on their last nerves.”

I shrugged, “I’m not really mad at them.” She was looking at me like ‘yeah right.’ “Seriously. I think they need…I don’t know. They were mostly right. And highly pissed off. Cordy’s kinda scary.”

Buffy shuddered, “Not as scary as Willow.” We watched her, “Hey, a girl isn’t likely to forget things like that. Willow’s done quite a good job at kicking my ass before.”

I nodded, “And Dawn. Damn she was frightening.”

Buffy agreed, “It’s the mean streak. And then there’s Ken. She’s just looking for a reason to kick both of our asses.” She turned to Angel, “She’d probably just add you in for fun.”

Angel smiled, “Well, I don’t know about you two, but Xander…see…you underestimate things about people.”

We were all smiling. I knew that we should at least discuss what they were talking about. As much as we tried to make light of the whole thing, I had this sick feeling that they were serious. Not that they would actually take Annie…cause, whatever. They oughta know how psycho the three of us could actually get.

Angel spoke, “So…”

Buffy looked to him and then me, “So…”

They both turned to me. “What? You want me to say so?”

Buffy shook her head. She thinks I am retarded sometimes. “What are we going to do?”

I offered a solution. “Quit fighting?”

She turned, “It’s a simple solution, but come on…are you two going to stop arguing over me?”

We were listening to her. “Hey, we weren’t fighting over you!” I said. She can be so self-centered.

“Yeah,” Angel answered indignantly.

“Oh, I’m sorry. I forgot you guys get that emotionally involved with who’s gonna win American Idol. Of, course that’s why you were about to come to blows.”

“Well,” I said, “Angel likes that guy with the cheesy hair.”

“Hey,” he said, “that guy could sing.”

“The blonde was way hotter.”

“Guys!” Buffy yelled. “American Idol – over.” She turned to Angel, “Sorry. Your boyfriend lost.” I smirked at him. He stuck his tongue out at me. “Hey!” Buffy yelled again, “I’m serious. They’re serious,” she motioned to the door, “we’ve got to do something.”

“Sorry,” we both mumbled.

Angel spoke first, “I should have told you. But when I saw you. I don’t know…it was a little too real for me. I didn’t know if I could bring you back,” he looked to Buffy, “what you would do to Buffy.”

I started to get angry again. Told ya I could still stake him. “What did you think I would do to her?”

“I didn’t mean it like that. I mean…you weren’t ready to come back Faith. I could tell that. You can say what you want, but you weren’t ready. I saw what you were doing. Your big plan. It was painfully obvious. You wanted to…”He trailed off. He didn’t want to say anything about the woman in front of B.

Buffy was watching him. She turned to look at me, “You wanted to what?”

I sighed. Fuck. I guessed I should just get all of this out now. “There were women, B. You know that.” She wouldn’t look at me. “I don’t know why I did it. I was sick of living in shitbag motels again,” I watched her shudder, still looking down. “They didn’t mean anything. I was a fucking heel. I used a hell of a lot of rich, and more times than not mentally disturbed, people to entertain me.”

Buffy was shaking her head, “What? You prostituted yourself out to spoiled rich bitches?”

Ouch. Mean streak? Dawn has no clue. “No, B.” I was holding my voice steady. “It was a mutual agreement. They knew what I wanted coming in. I knew what they wanted. Shit…I was getting to be a little bit like the old me, something I could do without thinking…”I looked down, “And they paid for it.”

Buffy’s face scrunched into a question. Angel was watching us. He knew what I was talking about. It helps to be a former evil being, I guess.

“What do you mean like the old you?” Buffy asked. “You mean you killed people? Beat them? What?”

Yeah, she could be a clueless…ok, not going to call her a bitch. That would be mean. She really couldn’t understand. I felt almost sorry for her. The fact that she had distanced herself away from both Angel and I, moving closer to the door, spoke volumes though. She was never going to be in our club.

Angel tried to help. I think he realized exactly what I was talking about. “I don’t think Faith did anything those women didn’t want.”

Buffy’s face had a shadow fall over it as the realization sunk in, “Oh…oh,” she opened and closed her mouth, “so you like…they let you…wow. I didn’t think people like that really existed.”

I nodded. See, I told you. She never really wanted to accept the fact that her sunny little world, even the ones with vamps and demons wasn’t the only one out there. She had no idea there were people out there, people way more fucked up than anything she’d ever seen. Right and wrong were such simple concepts for her. She was right…the bad guys were wrong. Even when the line got a little shady for her…she pulled herself back. She was always better.

I felt sorta dirty. “Yeah, they exist. People with families…little kids…daddy’s millions…in the basement of their houses, some of them had things…scary shit. I ran out of those places more than once.” No one said anything, “but some of them…some of them I could handle. Leather whips, chains…I could do that. It was an exercise in strength. I had to be able control myself. And I could.”

Buffy still looked disgusted, “As well as work out some issues. Who’d you beat on? Little blonde women who pouted well?”

“Fuck off B. You don’t know anything about that. You have no idea how hard it is to control yourself. How I have to keep that darkness away from the surface.” Control yourself Faith, “I ran from women like you. They scared me. I avoided people who reminded me of you like the plague. And it was hard to do…everyone I saw had a little bit of you in them.” She looked at me like I was speaking Greek. “You were everywhere,” I tried to explain, “I was running so far from you that I saw you everywhere I looked. And I looked. But every once in a while there was someone. Someone so damn dark and sinister themselves… like me, that I could do it. I could fulfill their little fantasies for a while.”

Angel spoke, “You were testing yourself.”

I nodded, “Yeah. In a way. I never hurt them. In fact, they never got what they wanted from me. I would get it going. Whatever they were in to. Drag it out as long as possible. Talk to them…” I was ashamed, “the way they wanted…but I never…I think the closest I got was cracking a scary ass whip a little to close to someone’s head. I would’ve sooner hit myself. I got them worked up…and walked out. Usually taking whatever I could find with me.”

“You stole from them.” Buffy whispered.

I hung my head, “I have no excuse for that. I guess I don’t have an excuse for anything I did.” I looked to Angel, “I was testing myself. Maybe I failed. I did take from them. Things they gave me…and things they didn’t. But I never hurt them…not physically anyway.”

He smiled a weak smile of encouragement. I suddenly remembered why I had helped him so many years ago. This freak understands me, “I’ve been there.”

Buffy looked at us like we were…in fact, freaks. “Well. I’m glad the two of you can share in you mutual experience of S and M. You two are soul mates.” She looked sick.

I was about to speak, but Angel beat me to it. “Kinda like you letting Spike beat the hell out of you?”

She spun, “Fuck off. That’s different.”

I’d forgotten. How could I have forgotten that?

Her face seemed to lose its angry shimmer as she looked toward the ground. “I know that feeling,” she was speaking so softly we both strained to hear her. “I know how it feels to want to…to feel like…the degradation…humiliation….that was my drug. I’ve reveled in my misery forever. I expected it.” She looked at me, “When you left. It was sort of par for the course that sort of thing. I mean…I knew it was coming. I needed the misery…I deserved it.”

I moved closer to her, “that’s not true.”

She moved away, “No it was. I was waiting for the other shoe to drop. The bubble to burst. And there were the signs. We had to fight, remember?” I nodded, “We had to have it. The sex afterwards…you were right, fucking or fighting. One was just foreplay for the other. How sick was that? The worst thing about it was that I think that you just followed along. Did what I wanted. You never wanted to fight. I knew what to do. Knew your weak spots. And I pushed. I always pushed.”

I shook my head, “I think we both were at fault.” She started to speak, “No. It doesn’t matter. Things have changed. We should change,” I looked to Angel, “All of us.” I tried to smile, “We can’t go through this anymore. Maybe we are all so self-involved that we have to create these dramas.”

Angel nodded, “I…I was jealous.” He looked to me, “of you,” he turned to Buffy, “and you.” Huh? Big boy wanted me too?

He saw our faces, “Not like that. Yeah, Faith had…” he was embarrassed, “the one person I’ve ever loved…I never felt that with Monica. There was no threat.” He took a breath, “but you had Faith too.” Buffy was watching him, “and she’d always needed me. I’d needed her. We grounded each other.” He was right. “But as soon as you two…well no one existed with you except each other. It was just stupid petty jealousy.” He looked up, “It was also sadness. I was watching the two of you…I knew you would self-destruct. It was like your relationship had it’s own specific disorder. It was manic-depressive. Sometimes it was so up…well it was way up. And then it would be so down…I knew it was close to death.”

Buffy looked near tears, “do you think we’re like that now?”

Broody boy pondered the question, “I don’t know. I think that it’s not my job to decide that.” He smiled at me, “even though I thought it was. But you have something…or better someone that you didn’t have…and she loves you.”

I smiled. Sometimes I could remember why I liked him. Plus the whole jealous of B thing. That made me feel kinda good. “So we’ll try. Stop this other crap and stop feeling sorry for ourselves. Or we are going to fuck up our kid. And I don’t know about the two of you, but I have a real need to prove Queen C wrong.”

Buffy smiled, “Cordy’s been…well…she’s been great actually. Not that I still don’t think about ripping her tongue out every once in a while…and I’m deeply concerned about Annie’s hero worship…but she’s right. She’s almost always right…it’s fucking frustrating.”

Angel nodded, “No kidding.”

“They are just concerned. I guess I’ve taken them for granted. I always have. We’ve always just been the…leaders, I guess.” She put her hand on her forehead, “I am so self-centered.”

I put my arms around her waist. She didn’t push me away, “That’s why I love you.”

Angel spoke, “me too.” He joked.

I shot him a look. “Watch it.”

He smiled, “Just kidding.”

Buffy pulled back to look at me. “So at least I kinda know what you were doing. But why did you come back? Was that because of me? Or did you just end up here? Is all the stuff…I mean is the rest of it over?”

I sighed. I should explain the rest of it. Tell her why I was here. Tell her why I stayed with Sara as long as I did. How I could have actually loved…no I won’t go there. I should tell her about the elaborate and delicate trust I created with Sara just to get back to LA. Buffy had no idea I was actually in another country for part of the last year.

More importantly though, she had no idea of the dream I had of her. How she was screaming my name…over and over again…the darkness so thick it was palpable…and the worst part…running, running, running, trying to find her…her voice a little closer but never right there…and I could never get to her. It had made me sick. Literally. The sound of terrible pain and her screams. After the first dream I was scared, by the third night I was insane.

So I had her bring me back here. We left the middle of Europe and made our way back. I just wanted to check on B. Just going to look in and get out. Hopefully she would have no idea I was even there. I had no idea she would be…that Annie would be there. I wasn’t prepared to stay…but then I wasn’t prepared for what I’d see when I got here. I should have told her that. But I didn’t. I should have told her I didn’t come back to be with her…but I would just be lying to myself. I could never be near her and not have her. I knew that, and maybe I didn’t want to admit it, but I was thinking that it was why I had left LA and not just the hotel in the first place.

She was looking at me, waiting for an answer. I swallowed and put on my best smile, “Of course it was because of you. I was an idiot. I wanted it to work.”

She seemed relieved and leaned into me again. I couldn’t believe that answer had satisfied her but I was glad that it did.

We heard a scuffling, the door flung open. Who was it? Take a wild guess. “Well thank god that shit is over. Now we don’t have to listen against this door anymore. Xander was smudging my make-up, pushing me against the door with his big oafish body.”

“Well that was uncalled for.” Xander whined.

She rolled her eyes at us; “You know he’s an oaf, right?” She turned to look at him, “Or maybe you are more troll like.” She slapped his arm, an idea popping in his head, “I got it…a Cyclops. That’s what they’re called.”

Mean ass Cordy. Maybe she and Xander were having a thing. I started to ask her but changed my mind when I saw who was standing behind them.

“Hey,” Annie said shyly, running to B. Buffy picked her up, “No more fighting?” she asked looking between us.

Cordy smirked, “Well we can’t ask for miracles Annie. What have I told you? We are just going for ‘no more psycho slayer lesbo scary fighting,’ remember?”

Annie nodded, “yeah that.” She told us.

We both nodded back. So did Angel. Annie looked satisfied. I couldn’t even be mad at Cordy.

We were walking out. Cordy turned to us, “Oh, we were talking. I don’t think that school is the best thing for Annie,” apparently she started in a month. “I think that homeschooling is the way to go. First of all, she is just going to be way more special than all the others. You know how mean those little crap heads can be. I’d just hate everyone else’s children to feel so stupid in her presence. It isn’t fair.”

I looked at her, “What’s the second reason?”

“Well isn’t that obvious. Why would you want to send her to some second-rate school with a second-rate teacher when you have the smartest woman in the world standing right in front of you.” She shook her head, rolling her eyes at us, “You would think you people would take advantage of the intelligence dripping off of me. I’m like a goldmine. A beautiful woman who’s smart. So very hard to come by.” She put her hand to her chin, looking thoughtful, “as a matter of fact…I’m gonna charge you for it too. There’s no way I should be just giving this away.”

She walked off. I looked at Buffy. The sad thing was, I think she was serious.

Angel voiced my concern, “The bad thing about that is…she is completely serious. She will charge you for anything. She used to make me pay her for having the pleasure of basking in her presence. It cost extra if she had just been to the salon.”

Xander gave him a look, “Dude, that wasn’t bright.”

Angel looked offended, “Hey…it wasn’t a lot…And you try to get her to shut up…come on…I mean she just goes on and on and on…”we were staring at him. “Hey, whatever…I bet all three of you that Cordy will be getting a paycheck pretty soon and on the line that says ‘for’ it’ll say…Super hot teacher of Annie Summers.” He nodded to himself, “yeah…cause she’ll call herself super hot. Don’t doubt me.”

I’ll take that bet big boy.


TBC