White Lie

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She was a stubborn bint. There was no doubt about that. And normally Spike took on her challenges with fervor, but he didn’t this time. Couldn’t. Not when it came to matters of the heart. Despite her want for real and true love, Buffy Summers skittered off like a mouse the minute it all became too real. Being the cat, Spike had to make sure to play this game just right. No one could ever say Buffy’s wasn’t complex. He supposed that’s what made him fall for her in the first place. She wasn’t the same as the interchangeable and bird brained women he dated, if one could call it dating. He winced at that. And here he was wondering why she was skittish with him. She’d seen first hand the girls he’d gone out with, the girls he dumped thoughtlessly. Buffy guarded her heart like a fortress. Her gunmen were barbs that could make a direct hit and slay the poor gentleman who dared cross her river of denial to win her heart. Then there was that one night stand guy. The baby producing guy with the fake name.

“I don’t understand you at all,” he told her as he drove with his eyes focused on the road. When he demanded they speak at that moment, she’d closed off, her eyes had gone glittery with defiance and her hands had bunched themselves into fists at her sides. He knew he was in trouble then. She then took a deep breath and lifted her chin and told him that she’d talk to him, but that they would go somewhere and talk, not hash it out on a busy sidewalk. He’d agreed and she’d given him directions to the trellis she used to visit as a kid. It was away from large crowds, but the road was just close enough. That hint was loud enough. If he started firing too much her way, she’d run. He told her again she should have gone into P.I. work.

“What?” she asked, slightly weary. That could work to his advantage.

“Would ‘Brian’ have had this much trouble if he stayed?”

She froze; he cursed himself. Then he straightened. No, this is what she
needed. For him to lay all the cards out on the table for her. He had to or
she’d never see and they wouldn’t get anywhere. Of course that meant he had
to lay his cards out—meaning his heart—and hope she didn’t laugh at him.

She didn’t answer him and he didn’t press her. Jumping out of the car once
they arrived she yelled at him. “You’re an asshole!”

“I wouldn’t have to be one if you weren’t so bloody difficult!” he yelled back,
following her to the trellis. She stood on it, looking at the water with her back
to him, her hair shining in the sun and her arms wrapped around herself.

He came up behind her, careful not to make any sudden moves. It was like
hunting a bloody deer. “Buffy, let’s hash it out. Tell me all of it. I want to know
why you think that kiss had anything to do with acting. Especially since no one
in your family was around to witness it.”

She turned to him, a blank expression on her face. “It still wasn’t real.”

“How so?”

“We talked about this on the ride down. I told you it could get awkward and
it has—“

“I don’t feel awkward. I feel goddamn frustrated.”

“Why?”

“So you didn’t feel the erection I was sporting when we kissed?”

Her cheeks flamed red and she looked away. He put his hand under her
chin and made her look at him. “Talk to me, Buffy. We have a no holds barred
relationship remember?”

“Friendship Spike. No holds barred FRIENDSHIP.”

“What’s wrong with me wanting you?”

She threw up her hands. “Because I’m your friend. Your BEST friend I might
add and when you want to have sex with me it takes away from that. Then I
become one of those women that you’re dumping after a month and trying to
figure out how to get rid of at three in the morning once you’ve had your fill of
me.”

“Given this some thought have you?”

“It’s not a pretty picture you often paint. And what’s worse is that you gloat
about it. Like you should be handed an award for womanizing.”

“And you should be handed the gold star of pushing love away with both
hands when it comes around,” he countered.

She made a show of looking around them. “I don’t see anyone here to
love.”

“That hurts pet.”

“What are you saying? That you love me?” she snorted.

“Yes, Buffy. That’s exactly what I’m saying. I more than just want you Buffy. I
love you.”

She shook her head. “For how long? A week? A month? Just until the
weekend is over? Just until you’ve had your fill of me?”

“I could spend the rest of my life loving you Buffy and I would never have
reached my fill of you,” he told her, stark honest.

She took a step back, eyes wild. “I don’t believe you. You never said
anything before. If you did—you don’t. You’re just caught up in the moment-“

“The moment of WHAT Buffy? Of you telling me all the reasons WHY I don’t
love you, why I possibly couldn’t? How about we try a different tune. How bout
I tell you why I do instead of why I possibly can’t.”

“No,” she started for the car.

He grabbed her arm, stopping her. “I told you we were doing this Buffy
Anne Summers and we will talk this out if I have to tie you down to make you
listen to me.”

There was no mistaking the lust that passed through her eyes at that
statement. So...Bird had a little S&M streak in her. He refrained from
indulging in that for minute.

She snapped her arm away from him. “Fine. Go. Talk.”

He ran a hand through his hair, frustrated. “You know, you don’t make
anything easy on a bloke. This wasn’t exactly how I planned on telling you.”

“Oh? Did you have it planned then?”

“Not really PLANNED, but I didn’t imagine having to yell at you and force
you to listen to me.”

“No one forces me to do anything,” she seethed.

He grinned, “I know. That’s one of the things I love most about you.”

She took pause, waiting. Don't blow it Spike.

"That first night Buffy, the time I met you? Do you know what I wanted to do
above all else?"

"Boink me?" she asked,tersely.

"Get to know you."

The shock was apparent. Then, disbelief crossed her features. "Do I look that
dumb to you?"

"Did I ever try to have sex with you?" he shot back gently.

"No," she said gently, kicking some dirt with her shoe.

"No, I never did. You were more to me than that."

She looked up at him. "You didn't find me attractive,did you?"

"What?" he asked incredulously.

"You thought I was hideous!" she accused.

He rolled his eyes. "No, I found you absolutely adorable. You were all sleep
tousled. It was endearing. Pulled right at the heart strings, you did. Just like
when you wear your glasses. And I have a few fantasies about you and those
glasses with some white thigh highs--"

"Spike" she held up a hand, stopping him.

"Right. Just felt I had to prove a point since you thought I didn't find you
attractive."

"Point taken."

"Right then. Buffy,you're so many things to me. An angel, a goddess. You're
intelligent and determined and despite the fact that you can be bitch, you
have the biggest heart of anyone I've seen. What you're doing for Jonathan,
whom you haven't seen in years tells me that once you care about someone,
you don't let them go. You're so loyal . . . and it makes me feel that I must be
something worthwhile if you're willing to step up to bat for me. Which you have
many times. You make laugh more than any bird ever has and when I'm with
you, I feel alive. It's like when I'm creating a work of art. I feel at home, at yet,
alive. It was something I was meant to do and I feel it every time I sculpt or
pick up a paint brush. The same goes for when I'm with you."

"You were meant to do me?"

"I was meant to love you."

She swallowed, suddenly looking so vulnerable. It was a side he didn't often
see, but he knew he was the only one that saw it. That had to mean
something...why couldn't she see that?

"I don't want to be those girls Spike. I couldn't do it. I couldn't be the girl that
smashes your Sex Pistols CD. I couldn't bear it if someone else were there to
help you find it again and help clean up your apartment and get ice cream
with you--"

"Buffy, No one else will ever do that but you," he told her earnestly. "No one
but you is my best friend."

"But what happens when you get tired of me?"

He shook his head, "wouldn't happen. Ever."

"I don't want to lose you," she persisted, tears shining in her eyes. "I need
you."

His heart swelled and constricted at the same time at that statement. He
brought her into his arms. "I need you too kitten. I need you for forever. I'd
never leave you. Don't you see that it just makes it all that much better
because you are my best friend?" he cupped her face in his hands and met
her eyes imploringly.

"I'm scared," she whispered.

"I love you Buffy," he told her firmly.

"I'm still scared."

"So am I."

"You're never scared."

"Neither are you, but you are now."

"So what do we do?"

"We be scared together. But we don't give up. You fight for everyone you love
Buffy. Can't I be on that list?"

"You already are."

"What does that mean?" he asked imploringly.

"It means that I . . . " she gulped. "Spike, I need some time to digest this. Can
I just have some time?"

He sighed and closed his eyes.

"Please don't be angry with me," she begged.

His eyes popped open. "I'm not."

"Can we go home now?"

He nodded and brought her into his arms one last time. "What do you want to
do?"

"Take a nap. Will you hold me?" She sounded like such a lost little girl, Spike
couldn't say no to her. Nor did he want to.

"Yes luv. I'll hold you. For forever if you let me."

"One step at a time," she murmured.