Chasing the Girl

Disclaimer - see part one (damn I get sick of typing that!)

Ask and ye shall receive - or something like that. Anyway, someone asked, so here you go!

Part 20

"Kennedy, I guess you're next. I had the hardest time deciding what I wanted to say to you. I know that we didn't know each other for very long before all of this started and that our relationship was strained at best. That all being said, I respected, do respect you. If for nothing more than loving Willow, for helping her when she needed you. I guess I was jealous. I never expected you to do what you did." y way was wringing her hands trying to look Kennedy in the face. "Take care of Rose. I know you didn't want to clean my messes, and you had no reason to, but you did. I'm not stupid, I know that you love Rose, and that you love Willow, and it wasn't for me that you did it. But you still did. You're a better person than I ever gave you credit for. I wish I could have known you before, that you could have seen the other me. But I never let you. Yet you still chose to do this, you continue to help me. And I just wanted to thank you. For that. For all of it." Buffy finished.

Buffy got up and went to sit beside Willow, she took Willow's hand.

"Guess I'm next, huh?" Willow asked softly.

"I will never have enough time to say all the things that I want to say to you. I think we are at a point now that it won't matter. You were my best friend. I love you and Xander like I could no one else. I never gave you any credit, either of you. Not when you deserved it. I deserted you, left you with my child, and you picked up my pieces and assembled them. I kept the two of you in the dark. I let you play roles in the shadows, I took all the glory, and I was selfish. I used you, continuously, and you never even seemed bothered by it. I lied to you, I was awful to you, and still you let me into your house, and you give me a chance." Buffy was looking Willow in the eye. "I know how you feel about Rose." Willow looked to Faith, surprised. "No, she didn't tell me, I overheard it. I already knew it. You should know that I would never deprive Rose of you, of any of you. She's lucky to have you."

Buffy took a deep breath and continued.

"But I am her mother. I have no right to ask you for another chance, Willow, I know that. But I need it, and she needs it. You have to see that. Please. If you think, if you truly think, that Rose doesn't need me, that she would be better without me, than I will leave. I promise, I will give up everything and I will leave here and you will never see me again. If that is what you think is best, that is what I'll do. I just hope that it isn't."

She got up from her place beside Willow.

Faith, on the other side of the room, was near panic.

'Don't let her do this, please.' She was thinking. 'I can't.'

Buffy noticed her nervousness.

"Faith, please," She said. "look at me."

"No, Buffy, don't. You haven't hurt me. Not like you have hurt them. You don't owe me an explanation of your actions. I understand them. Don't apologize to me." Faith was barely whispering by the time she finished.

Buffy knelt in front of her.

"I'm not going to apologize, Faith. But please let me talk. I have so much to say to you. And they need to hear it, too. For six years I have searched for you."

Faith looked surprised.

"Not literally, I knew Willow could reach you but I didn't want to do that. That was too much facing for me. But all the others, they were you. Even the perfume you wore, anything about you that I could find in someone, I jumped on them. I even made it up. Their voice, their eat-shit attitude, their carefreeness, it didn't matter, as long as I could see you in something, someone, I could survive. When you walked into that bar that night, my heart was beating so fast I was certain you could hear it across the room. I, what I did that night, I wanted you," The others looked around uncomfortably. "but I wanted to run you away more. I had to, otherwise I knew you would have me here and I would finally have to deal. I was afraid of that. Seeing you with Rose, I couldn't decide whether I was jealous or happy. You loved my daughter after one day. I mean, you came here and you are actually together. You are the calm one. You are the sane one. You are the wise one. And I am the fuck-up I always made you think you are."

Buffy had her hand on Faith's knees.

Faith, for her part, finally allowed herself to cry, albeit silently while Buffy continued.

"It's why I'm glad you left the note. It's why I'm glad you got off that bus and went to Boston. If you hadn't... If I had dragged you here with me, I'm afraid of what I would have made you do. Don't get me wrong, I know you're strong, Faith. I know that now more than ever, and even then I knew you were going to be okay. But I also know that it would have been so much easier to pull you down than for you to pull me up. That's the way it is with anything. And as many lives as I've ruined, I'm glad I wasn't given the chance to ruin yours." Buffy was now barely whispering, and tears were sliding down her cheeks.

Faith was looking at her hands, softly sobbing, afraid of what she would say next.

"I don't deserve you, Faith. I'm not even sure that you see me that way anymore. You shouldn't. You've seen what I am, and what I can become. I don't want to destroy you and I'm afraid I will. I wish that I could go with you, just forget all of this, but I can't. I can't be with you. If I had dealt with those feelings long before that bus ride, like I should have, I could have avoided all of this. We could have been happy. But I fucked it all up. I need to pay penance, and part of that punishment is not having you. I can't think of anything more precious that I could give up. What's more, you don't deserve to be hurt, you really don't. I want you to be with someone who is your equal, because I am so clearly not."

Faith was crying hard, shoulders shaking, she got up and left the room. Kennedy moved to follow her.

"Let her go, Kennedy," Giles spoke, breaking the silence, "if she had had something to say she would still be in here. As for the rest of us. I think we should all take a break. That was incredibly brave of you, Buffy, but you must understand that we cannot answer you at this point. It would be better for everyone in here, if we just relaxed for a few moments."

Buffy was still staring at the door that Faith had exited through, Willow came up behind her.

"Buffy, it's okay to cry." Hugging her from behind. Buffy turned in her arms and broke down miserably.

"I just want to do what's right, Will, I really do. You have to believe me."

"I do, Buffy. I'm not sure what else to say right now and I don't think have to deal with it all at once." She hugged Buffy tighter, laying the girl's head on her shoulder.

Dawn came from behind Buffy and put her hand on her back.

"I never stopped loving you, either." She said sadly before leaving the room.

Willow looked over Buffy's head at Kennedy, who was standing there awkwardly staring at the two.

"Why don't you show Giles and Dawn where to sleep and then go get Rose?" She asked her, obviously just giving the uncomfortable girl something to do.

She walked Buffy back to the couch and let her cry on her lap, wondering how things had changed so dramatically with only a few words. She rubbed Buffy's head softly as she sobbed.

'I guess this girl has a hold on all of us.' She thought.

to be continued