You Mean The World To Me

Chapter 22

Buffy was hesitant at first, buen sen she thought back to how suffocated she felt with Giles and Spike constantly around, she was more than happy to do it. A little vacation was just what she needed. Anya and Faith were beyond thrilled. Who could blame them? It wasn't o she she agreed to their little rendezvous. It was so sudden-which is often how it happened with the two girls. First they were driving to the club and then all at once Anya got it in her head on how fun it would be to go Salem and spend the night club hopping, get a hotel room and make a weekend of it. She had no clothes, but of course Anya did in her trunk. Anya was all about spur of the moment. This wasn't the first time whimsy had taken over her. Suddenly, Buffy felt free as they sped down the highway. Weights lifted and a sense of peace washed over her. This was just what she needed. A break. Fun. Isn't Spike fun? A voice asked inside her head. She frowned. She didn't want to think of the tiny tinge of guilt his name produced. Yes, of course he's fun, she told the voice. I just want to forget for a little while longer who I am, what I do. I want to forget that I almost died. I want to block out the thoughts that I want it all to end. And not in a pleasant way. The voice reminded her she couldn't run forever, and especially not from Spike. She felt a twinge of guilt as she recalled the look on his face when she told him she wanted him to go, when she told him she'd already left him, when she'd asked him how it felt to kill those two Slayers. She shook her head, trying to clear her mind. She was just so angry at everything. She was angry at her mother for giving birth to a girl with extraordinary powers, angry at Giles for being the only one she could share magick with, angry at Spike for being the only one she could share everything with.

She was terrified for what happened to her. Terrified it would happen again. She shuddered. She hadn't told anyone, but she remembered what happened to her days after she arrived home. She remembered holding the knife in her own hand and being powerless to stop herself from cutting. The blood, the fear. She never wanted that back again. Then the disturbing thought had passed through her mind that at least that way, if she were killed, she would be free of it. Then she thought about her mother, Giles and mostly Spike. How could she leave any of them, but mostly Spike? She felt as if she were cracking up for thinking it, and almost wishing it.

Being attacked the way she had by Dru, she felt mentally raped. She was so tired of people dictating to her what she was, what she was supposed to do, what her job was. She completely sympathized with the plight of the Slayer and superhero's-however fictional.

She knew she was being irrationally mean to Giles and Spike. It hurt her to do it, but sickly enough, that was part of the reason why she did it. She hadn't been lying to Spike when she told him she felt numb. The only time she felt anything was when she was being angry. Staring at the cold, black sky, she wondered when she was ever going to stop.

It was late by the time they found a hotel to crash in. Buffy knew she had to call Giles and let him know where she was. If she didn't turn up tonight, he'd worry. She wasn't like a normal adult where she didn't have to report to anyone. If she didn't report to them, they'd think she was offed by a demon.

She waited until Anya and Faith had left the room before calling Giles.

"Giles, it's me."

"Buffy? Where are you?"

"I'm in Salem. I'm staying overnight. Maybe two nights."

"What? You're in Salem!?"

"Yes, Giles, relax. I'm fine, everything's fine. It was a spur of the moment thing. I'll call you tomorrow and check in-"

"Call tonight. I won't be able to sleep if you don't. What hotel?"

"Salem Inn. Room 208."

"I'm worried about you," Giles said on a sigh.

"Don't be. I'm fine. This is a good thing. Just...don't tell Spike."

"I can't do that."

"Fine, then just try not to for as long as possible."

"Do you remember what happened the last time you took off and kept something from him?"

She flinched. "Bye Giles." She hung up. She would be a lot happier if Spike didn't know.

****
But Spike did know. Giles had to keep him from flying off the handle as he spoke to her. He'd gone mad searching for her. He'd been desperate when he came back to Giles and just as if she knew, she called the second he entered the door.

"I'm going after her."

"Spike-"

"Don't tell me not to do it, Rupert. She takes off like that and doesn't tell anyone until she's there?"

"She's an adult."

"She's not bloody well acting like one! She's acting like she has a bloody death wish! I'm going after her and I'll drag her by her hair back home if I have to." With that Spike slammed the door for the second time that night and went in search of his car.

***

It was nearing Halloween in Salem and therefore extremely busy. Salem was, of course, the Halloween capital of the world. People were already wearing masks, tourists lined the streets and Buffy felt panic set in. Vampires. They would be out and about. Demons, too. She had a couple small stakes in her purse, but images of Drusilla popping in her mind caused her fear to bubble up. Oh god, what if another one used thrall? How could she defend herself? The chances could be slim-Drusilla was the only one to have ever used it on her, and she'd met many vampires over the past eight years.

"Are you all right? You look a little pale," Anya observed as they waited to get into a club.

She smiled widely, fakely. "Yep. Just want to get my groove thing on."

Faith and Anya laughed and the three were soon ushered in. The club was huge. There was a bar in the back, two floors and fluorescent lights blazed everywhere. Bodies gyrated, music blared and people laughed. Taking Anya up on the offer of a drink, Buffy chugged down a beer. It would relax her and yet not make her drunk. She didn't want to lose all logic. If she had to protect herself or her friends, she didn't want to get hurt by being drunk in the process. She'd never hear the end of it from Spike or Giles. Definitely Spike though. Guilt washed over her again as her bite mark flared and she ignored it for the thousandth time that night. Instead, she joined the dance floor and let the music dictate her thoughts for the next half hour.

The boys were hovering around the three girls and it made Buffy a tad uncomfortable. She blamed Spike for it. She felt a nagging guilt. She almost felt as if she were betraying him, but all she was doing was dancing. And besides, didn't she owe it to herself to find out what other men liked? How other men responded to her? She'd dated sporadically, but nothing ever serious. She'd never been able to relax enough to truly enjoy herself. She always ran to Spike afterwards, desperate to be around a male she could actually be herself around. Now, here she was, surrounded by men who wanted her attention and she felt like a goddess.

"I need a drink, I'll be right back," Anya told her and sashayed off. Faith and Buffy looked at each other, shrugged and continued to dance. She danced, laughed and flirted some more. It was some time before she realized that Anya was taking a long time coming back.

"Faith, have you seen Anya?"

"Nope!" She giggled at the boy in front of her.

Buffy stopped. Signals were going off in her body. The same kind that had gone off before Drusilla came.

"Are you all right?" The boy in front of her asked her.

She looked at him blankly. "Yeah, I'm fine. I need to find my friend."

"She left a few minutes ago. She went outside with some guy."

"What?!" Buffy grabbed Faith. "We have to find Anya. She left with some guy."

"Good for her!" Faith giggled.

"Listen to me! It's not safe. It's dangerous. She could be hurt! He could be a vam-a rapist!"

"She probably just went outside to have a butt."

Buffy threw up her hands in exasperation.

"I'll go with you," the boy in front of her said.

Buffy eyed him warily. "I don't even know your name."

"Xander. I'm Xander. I go to Salem State." He stuck out his hand.

She took it, "Buffy."

He smiled, "nice name."

"Thanks, listen, my friend here-"

"She can stay here with my buddies."

"Did you know the guy my other friend left with by any chance?"

"No ma'am. Never seen him."

"You don't have to come with."

"It's not safe for you to be out there alone either."

Buffy smiled. There was chivalry in the world.

"Thanks. I think you should know that if you try anything though, I'll kick your ass. I have a black belt." The last part was a lie, but she couldn't exactly tell him of her super powers.

He held up a hand in surrender. "Got it. No harm, no foul. Just want to help."

"Thanks. Let's go."

Xander told his friends where he was going and to make sure Faith didn't take off and the two left. Buffy was annoyed with her 'friends'. How rude could they be? How stupid? Didn't they know that there were vampires roaming around-no, duh, of course not! Buffy sighed.

***

Spike hated bloody Salem right at this instant. It was crowded and busy with tourists, college and high school students. Some were dressed up in costumes already, everyone was frolicking and it made getting through the crowd difficult. He growled deep in his throat.

The whole ride here he had been seething with anger, hurt and jealousy. She was acting like a child, she was being irresponsible and reckless. She was battering his heart into a thousand pieces and he wasn't going to take it any longer. Oh he knew he'd never leave her, but he was putting his foot down, he was going to be strong gain a backbone. No more shutting him out, no more using him as a punching bag. He was tired of her loving him for a short time and then going back to treating him like crap.

He froze. She was in danger. She was frightened and her adrenaline was rushing. He could feel it in his blood. That's when he saw her, running down the street at full force with someone following her, calling to her to wait.

He shouted to her and started after her. He ran, pushing people out of the way. She was in trouble, that was all he could see. She disappeared out of sight and Spike inhaled the air for her scent. He spun in a circle and picked up her scent to the left. He ran down a dark alley and took a right. That's when he saw her, pushing a man off her friend. The man rose and Spike knew he was a vampire. He called to her and ran over as fast as his feet would carry him.

"Don't touch her! Don't mess with her you crazy vampire!" She was screaming at the vampire.

Spike got ready to stake.

She began fighting the vampire as Spike approached. He called to her, but she didn't even recognize that he was there. He looked to see the boy and Anya standing there with their mouths open, frozen in shock. He tried to call to Buffy again, but she continued on. The vampire was weakening. He was starting to lose his energy as Buffy pummeled him. Spike saw a resemblance to when she invoked Kali, except he knew she hadn't invoked the Goddess.

"You're nothing! You're a fucking vampire without a soul! You're evil and disgusting! You won't control me. You won't hurt me anymore Drusilla!" She ranted at the vampire at the top of her lungs.

Spike's eyes widened. Oh God. His dead heart swelled and broke. She wasn't fighting the vampire before her. She was fighting Drusilla. She was lost in her rage and her fear. She remembered, that's the only thing he could think of. She remembered what happened to her and it was messing with her mind. Watching her now, Spike knew there was no way out of the hell in her mind unless he stopped her. She was in such a blind rage that she couldn't think or see beyond what happened to her. If he didn't stop her now, she'd be lost to him forever.

****

Buffy's world was a blur. All she knew was her friend was in danger of the same fate as she had been. The long flowing dark tresses of Drusilla blew in the wind and her vampiric face snarled at her. It told her that this time, she was going to kill her just as she intended and there wasn't a thing she could do about it.

Something snapped inside of Buffy though. Something unleashed within her and rage like had never felt before raged within her. She didn't hear the cries of her friends yelling for her, never even noticed when Spike had arrived. All she knew was she had to attack, and this time, kill. She lunged at the vampire and attacked with vigor. She sent a kick to her stomach and she landed on the ground with a thud. Then Buffy went in for the kill. She kept hitting and hitting, briefly wondering if it were possible to kill her with punches alone. She was going to at least try.

***

"Forgive me, my love," he said under his breath and lunged forward. Using all his strength, he charged to her and flung her off the vampire she now straddled and pummeled. She went back a good five feet and Spike used the opportunity to stake the beaten vampire. Dust flew and he walked to where she lay, now propped up on her elbows. Her eyes were wide with fear, sorrow and disbelief. He knelt down in front of her and held out his hand.

"Spike?" She asked in a small, trembling voice.

"It's me, Buffy. Come back to me."

She lunged herself at him and he caught her in his arms, holding her tight against him. He stroked her hair tenderly, whispered soothing words of comfort as she sobbed in his arms. Whatever dam she had built inside her had finally burst. She was shaking and although he knew it was not because of the cold, he found a way to shrug off his duster without breaking contact from her. He wrapped the duster around her and cradled herse. se.

"I remember what happened. I remember holding the knife in my hand and being powerless to stop myself. I was screaming inside to stop, I was in so much pain, but I couldn't stop it," she broke out through sobs.

Spike wanted nothing more than to be able to stake Drusilla again and again to make her pay for what she did to Buffy.

"I didn't know what to do to make it stop and I couldn't get to you. I thought I was strong enough to do it on my own and I wasn't. I wasn't strong enough to take care of one single vampire."

"No, Buffy, no! She played with your mind. She controlled you. You're strong. You're stronger than any bloody Slayer I've ever known. So brave, my girl is so brave and strong. I should have been there and I wasn't. God forgive me for not being there to protect you."

She looked at him, her tears streaming down her face. Her sobs ceased, but she cried inside, sobs still making her body shake. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry I made you stake her."

His eyes widened. "Oh God, do you actually think--?" He crushed her against him. "I don't feel sorry that I did it. I told you if she ever hurt you, I'd do it. You mean more to me than she ever did. You are my life. I would stake her a thousand times over if it meant I'd keep you safe, if it meant I'd get to love you."

"I'm sorry I pushed you and Giles away. I'm sorry I was so hurtful. I couldn't stop myself. I -I think I almost wanted to die."

The thought horrified him. She had had a death wish.

"I know," he whispered and his own tears began to fall.

Her eyes widened. "You know?"

"Most Slayers at one time or another have them. I was hoping you'd never get one, but I know...I know. You want the pain, the fighting, the fear all to stop. The only way is to die. But, Buffy, that's not the answer-"

"I know. I don't really want to. I just...it passed through my mind and I thought I was cracking up."

He shook his head and smiled tenderly at her as he wiped stray tears from her cheeks. "Not cracking up. That's why I wanted to take you away. Get you away from all of it so that the day did not come when you did want to die."

"But I can't! I can't just leave. I can't let innocent people die because I'm not a Slayer and I have the option. I wouldn't be able to live with myself."

"I know that too. That's what makes you the bravest and strongest woman I know. It's part of what makes me love you so much. That heart of yours is so big-you have the biggest heart of anyone I've ever known in my entire existence. You have more bloody soul, spirit and heart than even any Slayer I've come across. And you feel the burden of it all." He looked at her imploringly, "let me take some of that weight for you. Give it to me. Let me fight with you and for you."

Her eyes seeped tears, but she was no longer sobbing. "How can you do that?"

"What?"

"Love me. I'm so awful to you."

"There's been times when you haven't been your best to me, I admit. But, you take care of me as much as I take care of you. You gave me a life I didn't know I was missing. You brought me laughter, love and a reason to get out of bed every-night."

She chuckled through her tears.

"I'm so tired, Spike," she admitted. She wiped her tears on his shirt and rested against him.

"I know, pet. I know you are."

"And I'm scared."

"I am too. I'm scared for you. I'm scared you'll wake up one day and want to die so much you'll let it happen. I'm scared when you hide inside yourself and I can't reach you. I'm scared that one day I won't be to to find you."

"I can't die. I have a family, friends...and I can't leave you Spike. I love you and it scares me to think about the day when I do die. I know it sounds silly, but I'm scared to be without you when I die."

He froze. He pushed her back a bit and held onto her shoulders. She looked at him questioningly.
"Did you just tell me you loved me?"

She nodded. "I should have told you a long time ago, but I was too stupid to figure it out. I'm sorry it took me so long."

His eyes welled up; he couldn't help it. She finally said it. He had to be flying now.

"Spike?" She asked, concerned.

"Say it again."

"I love you."

He pressed his lips against hers, claiming her, branding her and she responded in
kind.

He broke apart and looked at her still-dazed face. "Listen to me, when you leave this world...when you leave, I go with you."

Her eyes widened and she shook her head adamantly. She pushed away from him and stood up. "No, you can't do that! Why would you-how can you do that?"

"There's nothing else for me this world if you're not in it. I'm old, Buffy. I'm old and I've seen the world a thousand times over. This here, this with you is the only thing that's ever fulfilled me. If I go on without you?I wouldn't be living. I would be existing. If the Gods are kind, they'll place me with you. In Heaven. Where you go, I go."

She was ng ang again. "But I don't want you to feel that way. I want you to be happy and continue on. Fighting the good fight. Isn't that what you always told me to do?"

"I have and I will. I just can't do it without you." He tossed her a small smile. "Guess you can't die on me then."

"If I don't die by a vampire or demon, I'm going to grow old one day and die."

He nodded. "I know."

"You're not going to want to be with me when I'm old and gray."

He smiled, "oh yes I will."

She furiously wiped some tears away. "I'm so tired," she whined.

He stood and wrapped her in his arms. "What do you want to do now, pet?"

"I want to...I want to get a room and not go home yet. Can we do that Spike? Can we just rest?"

He nodded and kissed the top of her forehead.

"Where did Anya and Xander go?"

Spike narrowed his eyes, "who is this Xander character?"

"Be nice. He helped me find Anya."

"Did you-do anything with him?"

She detangled herself from him and smiled. "Yes, we had hot monkey sex right on the dance-"

She was cut off by Spike grabbing her and kissing her hard. She giggled and he softened the kiss.

"Let's get a room," he told her gently and wrapped an arm about her shoulders.

"I need clothes."

"Don't even get me started on that outfit!" He admonished her.

TBC....