Summer of Faith

 

Chapter 20

Faith:

Well, looks like I'm on patrol by myself tonight… again. Strange that. The drugs that G-man gave her wore off after a few days. She was back in fighting form in less than a week. Been two weeks since then. We have patrolled together since…once, twice maybe. Mostly, seems she patrols early, or late depending. Late if she’s staying in. Early if she is going to see Angel.

Well, I guess fool should be put up on my forehead, eh? I believed Fang. I thought he was being straight with me. Well, guess I was wrong there. Told me over a month ago… dropping B, not going to ruin her life. Yet, she keeps going to see him, and he doesn’t exactly turn her away, now does he?

Course I get my time with her. A few minutes in the morning, before she has to go to school or I have to go to work(yes, I found a job, thank you. Delivering packages. Not great, but its enough and I have my evenings free). Sometimes at dinner. A minute or two, maybe, at bedtime, she will say goodnight. If I'm real lucky, she will come patrol with me. But, as I mentioned, I have to be damned lucky for that one. Maybe Fang is out at the butcher’s on those evening stocking up on Pig’s blood. She has nothing better to do while waiting for him to come home.

Gee. Don’t I sound bitter? Guess I have my answer, but just don’t want to accept it. Probably I should be gone, but I made a promise to stick ‘round for the Ascension, and I keep my promises… unlike some of us that won’t be mentioned, but has really sharp pointy teeth. Well, Faithy, get over it. You said you would accept her decision. Stupid decision… what kinda life can you have with a vampire? Wouldn’t plan too many beach trips or picnics, B… probably lose that tan of yours, since you won’t be going in the sun much. On the bright side, you can really get into those moonlit walks and stargazing.

Hey, B, can you answer me one little question? Call it a courtesy for someone who is crazy about you? Where did I go wrong? What did I do, or didn’t do? How’d I mess up. Ok, ok, the dump at home thing. I get that. But I explained that, I thought. And I know it was stupid. I been trying to make it up. But , I guess I just blew it total huh? Or, was I just a summer fling , B? Is that it? How come you didn’t tell me then? Ya know, give a girl a break. Let her know where she went wrong, so maybe next time(hah, that’ll happen) she can avoid that mistake. Whattaya say? Why won’t you answer me, B? Why won’t you talk to me, B?

“Faith…hey, Faith!”

Well… surprise, surprise. What? Did the earth start spinning backwards? Is it really daytime, and I'm having a daydream?

“ Hey, B”

“ So, hey…want to patrol?” Buffy asks, walking up to Faith

“ What’s wrong, B? Dead boy busy?”

Buffy looks stung, “ What’s that about? Just thought we could patrol together?”

“ Gee, B, surprised you could fit me in your schedule” Faith mocks

“ That’s really not fair, Faith. You know I'm busy with school , and the Ascension, and …” Buffy is interrupted

“ Angel?”

 Buffy goes quiet

“C’mon, B, how stupid do I look? You hardly ever patrol with me. Or talk to me, or see me for more than 10 minutes at a time. You take “little walks” that last hours. When I come home from patrol, and stop by your room, it's dark, you’re not in. We never even made up that little birthday dinner I had planned for you, cause you have been ‘too busy’. Too busy for me, I guess”

“ Faith, tell me, how do I make more hours in the day? With school, homework, the ascension…where do I create this extra time for you?” Buffy asks, getting a tiny bit exasperated.

“How about some of Angel’s time? How about some time on the weekends? How about you just look at me once, rather than around me, or through me, or over me? Or touch my hand? Or kiss me, even? It’s been what? How long since we even had a kiss? Betcha  dead boy isn’t missing out.”

“ Faith, you’re not being reasonable. Do you think this is easy for me?” Buffy is getting upset.

“Easy? No, I don’t think it's easy for you. But, reasonable? Oh, B. I have been reasonable. I have been up to my ass, up to my neck in reasonable. I'm drowning in reasonable. I have bent over backwards being reasonable. So, please, don’t pull that on me.

“I think it's more, you’re not being truthful with me. Or yourself. I think you’re afraid of how I’ll take it, B. No worries, ok? I'm a big girl now. I can take it. I’ve lost, haven’t I, B ?  You don’t … want me? Love me? Anyway, you would prefer some dead guy to me. Man,” Faith starts to laugh. It's not a happy laugh, “ I gotta laugh at that one. If I heard that about anyone else, I would be laughing my ass off. Too bad I’m the one in the middle of it. But you have to admit, it has a certain dark humor to it” Faith is laughing bitterly. She stops, and sighs, “ Thing is B, I wish right now I didn’t love you. Wish it with all my heart. Cause then this wouldn’t hurt so much. So damned much”

“Faith…I do love you, I do…”Buffy starts

“ But you’re not IN love with me B. Face it, ok? I'm trying to. I was a summer fling for you, B. Now, I'm kind of an embarrassment to have around”

“That’s so not true” Buffy protests.

“Then what IS true? I don’t know B. I'm kinda like Mr. Gordo for you. Something you are familiar with, something you like to have around, but I sit on the shelf, gathering dust, starved for any kind of attention or love. Buffy, my heart isn’t a play toy. I can’t go on this way. You have to do something. Either choose, or cut us free. Both of us. You’re playing both of us, and it hurts. I know it hasn’t been easy. But dammit, it hasn’t been easy for me either. It was all great till those letters showed up, then boom…went to hell. So, what does that tell me? You never got over Angel, what we had was a rebound, and now I'm just something that won’t go away. Least, B, that is how I see it, based on what is happening. Or not happening.”

Buffy is silent. She is sitting, looking away.

“ Ok, nothing. Gotcha. Here, catch” Faith throws a small box at Buffy. It isn’t caught, but lands on the ground. “ That was my Birthday gift to you. I'm sure Angel got you something real nice, but that was all I could afford.”

Faith gets up, and starts away “ Look , why don’t you patrol until dead boy gets home. I’ll be at your mom’s. Frankly, I’m not in the mood to look at vamps, or think about vamps tonight”

Faith starts to walk away, but then turns.

“Here’s a tip though, B. Before you get to making with the plans, I would ask Angel exactly what his summer plans are. That is, what he plans to do after the mayor’s Ascension”

Buffy looks up, puzzled. “ What do you mean?”

Faith smiles, a bit sadly “ Just ask. You might find the answer interesting”

Faith turns away, and heads towards the Summer’s home.

Faith is sitting in the darkened living room of the Summer’s home. She is staring into space, trying to sort out all the stuff going through her. Finally, she just can’t hold it anymore. She starts small, tears. Then the pain increases, and her body starts to shake. Finally, the sobs come, deep from her gut. She bends over, because they hurt so much. She bites her lip almost until it bleeds, trying not to make any noise, but she still sobs.

Joyce Summers hears something downstairs, and goes to check it out. She sees someone bent over in the living room, and they seem to be crying. But she can’t quite make out whom.

“Buffy? Is that you? Are you ok?” Joyce queries.

“N… N…No, it’s just me , Mrs. Summers. Faith. I'm sorry, didn’t mean to...to… disturb you. I…I’ll go to my room. Sorry” Faith chokes out.

Joyce comes over, and sits next to Faith. She rubs her back and says “ Shhh…it’s ok Faith. It’s ok. And honey, I thought we agreed you would call me Joyce? Mrs. Summers is my mother-in-law, and she makes my stomach hurt” Joyce pats her lightly.

Faith kinda hiccup giggles, and then looks up. She is really beginning to love this woman. Like the mother she always wished she had.

“Somehow, Joyce, you always make me feel a little better, even when I'm miserable, like now” and the sobs start again.

Joyce looks at the miserable little girl, and her heart melts. “So, Faith, tell me what is making my second favorite daughter so upset?”

Faith just melts into her arms and sobs. Once she can speak again, she recounts for Joyce what she has said to Buffy tonight, and of course, is blaming herself for being stupid and not being patient enough and she shouldn’t have done it.

Joyce stops her” Faith, I think finally you put your cards on the table, and let my headstrong, sometimes dense, but favorite, daughter know that her time is limited, at best. And …what is this about Angel’s summer plans?”

Faith tells Joyce about her little “ chat “ with Angel, and what he told her.

“ And he hasn’t told Buffy yet? And you told her to ask him?” Joyce can’t decide whether to laugh, or take a sleeping pill. She now realizes she is going to have a VERY long night on her hands.

“ Well, if he really is going to back off, as he says, then I’m glad you told her. She needs to know, but it looks like it's going to be a long night, again” Joyce smiles ruefully.

“Mrs. Sum…er.. Joyce… can I ask you a favor?”

“ Yes, Dear?”

“ Let me try first? I mean, to comfort Buffy. I know that’s your right and all, but maybe if she will let me in here, there is a little hope for me?” Faith is a bit hopeful.

Joyce looks at Faith, and thinks maybe there is hope yet for her.

“Sure Faith. I think that might be a very good idea. I'm going to try to escape for bed, before my older and blonder daughter gets home. Do me a favor, too? Don’t call me unless you need me” She smiles at Faith.

“ I got it, Joyce. I will hang tough…and try not to let her deck me again” They share a small laugh, and Joyce heads for bed.

Faith is sitting on the edge of her bed. She is waiting for Buffy to come home, dreading it. She knows Buffy is going to be devastated, and she really didn’t want to hurt her that way. But she also knew she had to do something. Cause it would have been worse later.

She holds no illusion this will change Buffy’s feelings for her, but she still will be there for her. She can’t help it, she loves the girl. But at least now Buffy will stop deluding herself that there is any future with Angel.

She hears the door open downstairs, and then it shut quietly. Then she hears Buffy’s light step on the stair. As she passes, she can hear Buffy sniffling…never a good sign. She sighs, and waits, giving Buffy some time to prepare for bed. Then she hears the small sobs, and knows she should go to her. It isn’t easy, cause she knows that Buffy is not going to be happy with her.

“Buff?” Faith knocks lightly at Buffy’s door. “ Can I come in, please?”

“Go ‘way Faith.” Buffy replies

“C’mon, B. Talk to me” Faith stands at the door, ready to open it

“No, don’t wanna, go ‘way” Buffy’s voice cracks, right along with Faith’s heart.

Faith sighs, then decides the hell with it, and opens the door. She ducks right in time to avoid a book thrown at her head.

“ B? Nice shot. Almost got me” Faith looks at Buffy. She doesn’t look mad… more defeated. Her shoulders are slumped, and she is sitting with her hands in her lap. Her head is down, her hair hiding her face.

Faith walks over and sits on the bed next to Buffy.

“How long? How long did you know, Faith?” Buffy asks, in a small voice. Tired

“ About a month…not long after I got here” Faith replies.

“ Why didn’t you tell me?” Buffy is talking to the floor.

Faith reaches over, and takes Buffy’s face in her hands. She looks directly into Buffy’s eyes. “ Would’ve you believed me if I had? I had to have him tell you, B. There was no other way you would have believed it”

Buffy’s face has the look of someone who is still dazed.

“I’m sorry, B. But I couldn’t let you live with the idea that something was gonna be, that wasn’t gonna be. I understand if you’re mad at me. I’ll go if you wish” Faith starts to get up, but Buffy stops her.

“ No, please, stay.”

“Faith, you want to know the funny thing? I wanted to stop this. I wanted to break it off. I knew in my heart that too much had changed, too much couldn’t be right with him and me. And I swore to myself, every time I went there, that tonight I was going to do it, I was gonna break it off. But I’d get there, and it just…didn’t happen. I don’t know why. All those feelings I knew weren’t real anymore, would come rushing back. And it was like it had been before. And I was trapped. In a box of my own feelings. Because they wouldn’t let me go when I was with him. And when I would come home, it would all hit me again, and I would be torn up. Because I knew it wasn’t real. It was a fairy tale. One I guess deep down I was afraid to let go of.

“ It wasn’t ‘til tonight, when I confronted him with your question, and he admitted what he had to you, that I was finally free. I finally was able to let it go. Realize what it was… my own fairy tale. But now, in my version, the princess gets to run away and have a real life, and not some false life.

“What I hate most is what I have done to you. Your words stung tonight, not because they were true, but because I could see what you saw…and from your view, they had to be true. Nothing else made sense. But Faith, you were never a summer fling to me, ever. I pushed you away, when all I wanted to do was pull you in. Because I was in a fairy tale, and the guilt was eating me alive. The dragon had me, and I didn’t know how to escape.

Buffy puts her hand to Faith’s cheek “ I treated you horribly, and you saved me… again. I'm not mad at you. How could I be? I need to beg your forgiveness, and am to ashamed to do it” She looks down, hiding again.

Faith lifts Buffy’s chin, and says “ All I want, B, is for you not to hide from me again. Just let me be part of your life… all of your life.” She leans in, and give Buffy a gentle kiss. She pats her thigh, and gets up to go.” Goodnight, B. Sleep well”

Buffy turns to her, and asks, in a small voice “ Couldn’t…would you…stay with me?”

Faith turns back. “ Do you really want me to, B?”

Buffy, her face pleading “ Please?”

Faith gets in bed with Buffy, and they lay facing each other. They hold each other, but tonight they don’t make love. That will come later. Tonight they want to share a new closeness, something they haven’t had before. There is no longer anything separating  them. Nothing one comes between them. They are alone, at last.

End of chapter 20

 

~~&~~&~~&~~&~~