Fragments

Prompt #2: Beauty

There was a quote I really loved in the A Song of Ice and Fire novels- maybe the first or second, I can't really remember. I can't remember the exact quote, either, which pisses me off. But it basically explains seeing a woman who you think is a deity in a human body; "the goddess made flesh" or some shit. I do remember how it made me feel, because when I read that, I immediately pictured Buffy.

See, Buffy has always been the most beautiful thing I've ever seen. A goddamn angel sent to earth. It was hard for me to come to terms with those feelings I had for her; I went batshit crazy before I was able to.

I could see beauty in every move she made. One of my favorite memories of her, we were in the courtyard of Sunnydale High. I'd been trying to get her to admit how much she loved slaying- though we did have different feelings about it, I knew she loved it more than she let on. I remember the way she blushed and smiled, trying to hide both from me. It made my heart burst to see it, and still does to think of it now.

When we'd patrol together, I'd revel in the way she moved. Angel once told me I was just as beautiful when I fought, and I shrugged that off with some ridiculous comment.

But he continued: "Buffy is graceful. Her moves are careful, calculated, precise. But you let the Slayer take over- and, granted, that wasn't always the best course of action- it still put you in your own category. You were fierce, and wild. Unrestrained."

I thought about asking him what we looked like fighting each other, but after a moment, I didn't have to.

"Incredible," he stated.

Another memory of mine that I favored, a picture in my mind that made my heart speed up, was that night before Graduation. Call it fucked up- I'm certain it probably is. But Buffy was like a warrior goddess, scented of leather and death (is that what she would smell when she stood close to me?) as she held my knife in one hand. I don't remember much about what I was thinking or feeling (I'llkillyoufuckyouloveyoudestroyyou) besides the pain and anger (shedoesn'tloveyou) she brought out with that first punch. But I do remember thinking, in the moment I looked from the knife that stuck out of my skin and back up to the stunned look on her face, "My god, Buffy, you're magnificent."

One more that elated me and killed me at the same time was the look she gave me at Angel's. That gaze of death she cast my way when my lips quivered that name that had haunted me for so long. A thought crossed my mind several times during that encounter with her- a thought that I'd had before, and certainly would have again.

I bet you'd look the most beautiful while you killed me.

Sometimes I'd counter that thought with the fantasy of watching her die instead- not truly, but watching her la petit mort from my own hands caressing her skin. Taking her, claiming her as mine.

But that will never happen.

As I sit in the grass, along one of the chainlink fences, I think about the words Angel said to me when he visited yesterday. I take a deep hit from an almost burnt out cigarette, staring up into the sky as the dull ache in my chest, that began just a few days prior, burns with my lungs.

Goddamn, B. I bet you were a sight, diving into that portal. Prolly looked like an angel then, huh? Finally got your chance to fly.