How to Woo a Vampire

Reminder: this story is completely AU from the episode “Crush” onward. Also I’ve played with history a bit, Alessio was killed in Prague but Prague happened much earlier, before Spike kills his second slayer. And again this is an edited and revisited version of this story, in the early parts its only a few changes here and there but its mainly different in the parts that never got put up.


A/N: I have the story planned and few pieces of future chapters written but any ideas are still helpful, if they don’t clash with something I’ve already thought up I will probably use it. The chapters are fairly short so far I know but I'm trying to break them off at logical stopping points so they make some sense. Also a note about the writing itself this story is unbetaed and as such is likely to suck, I’m great at coming up with ideas not so good with writing them, I mean the challenge lines StephanieM provided are probably my wittiest material, and the description of action is lacking the only saving grace is dialogue which again I know if anyone wants to beta this atrocious attempt at written prose literature it would be greatly appreciated. Well I’ve rambled enough so on to the Chapter one of the story, the beginning of the plot.



Chapter 1
“Men should be like Kleenex- soft, strong and disposable,” I mean good God is that how anyone should be broken up with? No its horrible its worse, than lets be friends, or hey you’re a loser I can’t date you, but no the Xanman gets, “Men should be like Kleenex- soft, strong and disposable, so I’m going to find a new one, bye.” Hell, I was beginning to think I could love her maybe even commit-marriage, house, dog, white picket fence, and 2.5 kids. Instead Ahn breaks up with me, not only breaks up with me but modifies a line from a 80’s comedy based on a game, I mean why do I have such horrible luck with women I mean I can’t even keep the former patron saint of scorned women happy. Though in some twisted way that doesn’t sound bad, but I mean she was a hater of men, now she wants a new one? This just sucks I mean seriously just when things are going good, I’ve got a new apartment, a steady job, the gang isn’t in turmoil. And what happens, Ahn breaks up with me, I mean seriously it just sucks.”
As Xander walked home ranting himself about the recent breakup with his girlfriend, he never noticed the woman following him. Not exactly stealthy, Drucilla follows behind twirling to music only she could hear in the moonlight as a contingent of minions followed her, probably quite confused. Xander still in a funk never noticed his impending doom until an eerie laugh was heard down the street.
“Little kitten so like Spiky’s little boy, all you lack is claws. Grandmummy Dru is here to give the little kitten his claws, so that the kitten will return my Spiky to the family. So come here to Grandmummy so you can get your claws to make the nasty slayer pay.”
Backing up in order to run away quickly Xander proceeded to to talk his way out of the situation having finally noticed Drucilla and the ten or so minions who had been following him. “Ok um Drucilla, I don’t need claws or need a Grandmummy, or anything else the voices in your head tell you I need, see because I am not going to be vampire. No vengeance on Buffy, or your next victim, cuz you see me not good vamp material I mean I’m comic relief no one needs a stand up vampire; no need to turn me, turning the Xanman not of the good. On another note I’m not a good victim either see cuz um, not a nummy treat I’m tough and beat up and my blood probably tastes like alcohol cuz my family, drunks the lot of them and um I gotta go see I'm late for a date with my girlfriend and I don’t wanna keep her waiting, so Ill just be leaving now…”
As Xander realized the talk wasn’t working, the vampires had surrounded him and looked as though to pounce, he pulled a stake deciding to take as many of them out with him as he could. At least that was the plan until they did pounce. With the two biggest strongest minions holding him in place Xander couldn’t really do much fighting back as Drucilla wandered up, still twirling and listening to her voices. “Victims... aren't we all, silly kitten? But no Grandmummy is going to make you just for my Spiky, because you being so like his little boy will bring him back and then we can go and paint the world with the blood of a dozen slayers.”
Realizing what was to happen Xander struggled, begged to live, and tried to get away to no avail, as Drucilla closed in caressing his face. She whispered in his ear before biting “Everybody ends up dead pretty kitten. It's just a matter of when.”