How You Remind Me

Fandom: BTVS
Pairing: Spike/ Xander
Rating:NC17
Author: Mightbeme
E-Mail: Lee_Michelle_t@hotmail.com
Disclaimer: Not mine, don’t own em *sniffle*, they belong to Joss dammit.
The song “How you remind me” is by Nickleback and belongs to them.
Also the song “Hanging By A Moment” belongs to Lifehouse etc
Thanks: Many thanks to Darkynangelic for the beta, you are a goddess.
Notes:This is a sequel to a songfic I wrote awhile back called “How You Remind Me”. Some wonderful people who sent me feedback requested a sequel, so here it is.
I hope you like it.
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Hanging by a Moment

Stepping across the threshold of the dimly lit bar I’m instantly battered by the raucous crash of music. The heavy beat throbbing in the smoky air is immediately recognisable. “How you Remind Me” by Nickleback washes over me in a harsh soundwave, driving me down the steps and into the bar. Once inside self-preservation forces me to take my next steps cautiously, peering through the acid mist that hangs in clouds around the shadowy dive. The jukebox on the far wall casts a dim glow, drawing my attention for a moment, just long enough to realize he’s not over there. I scour my surroundings blindly hoping to find him here, in the last bar left in town.

The painful lurch of my heart comes as I sight ice blond hair and the dark shadow of leather curled around a familiar body. It starts to hammer when I make out the salt trail of tears trickling down his cheek as the song fades into silence. An ache builds inside when he throws back his head letting loose a harsh bark of self-loathing laughter that chills me to the bone.

I know this is my fault. I’m the reason he’s here. I’m why he’s drowning his sorrows in cheap booze. Because I was too busy hiding from myself, hiding what I wanted inside, trying to make myself believe that I felt nothing for him beyond the obvious physical attraction.

I was wrong. I know that now.

The bar’s empty now, its last patrons giving Spike a wide berth as they scurry past me, and I notice the guy in back shooting anxious glances at Spike. If I didn’t know Spike I’d be cautious too, I should be anyway, he’s dangerous without his chip. I start towardm, sm, stomach churning as my slow, shuffled steps bring me to my goal all too soon. I’m fully prepared for him to ignore me, so the surprise I feel when his head turns towards me is written on my face for him to see. It’s just as easy to read the hostility in his blue eyes as they slowly slide up my body sending a cold shiver racing in their wake. Cringing inwardly because I know I was wrong, hoping that I can convince him to give me another chance.

“Come for another go ‘ave you?”

His bitter words hit me like a body slam, forcing the air from my lungs as I try to protest.

“Spike.” His name crosses my lips half in protest half in plea.


“After all, that’s about the only thing I’m good for innit?”
The words keep coming, even though I wish they wouldn’t

“Don’t.” My throat tightens painfully around the single word.


That one eyebrow lifts, mocking me while his voice sneers at my efforts.

“Don’t what? Don’t talk, don’t give a shit….What do you fucking want from me?”

Silence hangs for a moment and then the words are tumbling out of my numb mouth. “I…. I was wrong.”

He cocks his head as if he didn’t quite hear what I’d said.

“Do tell mate.” The emphasis he places on the last word stresses how little like a mate I am. “Wrong to fuck me or wrong to let me know that’s all it was?”

I’m frozen to the spot as he dismisses me, trembling at the way his eyes skate over me in contempt before he looks away. He looks back down at his bottle, staring at the glass like it holds the answer to all his problems. Swirling the amber liquid around, listening to it slosh the sides, before he tips it up and takes a large swig, one of too many already. By my side my fingers twitch, wanting very much to soothe him, hold him, love him. The words slip out, desperatd ned needy at the same time.

“I love you.”

That gets his attention. He wipes his mouth with the back of his hand, pinning me to the spot with an angry blue gray gaze as he drawls in disbelief.

“Right.”

I stare back, struggling to let my conviction show through in my tone.

“I do.”

“Bastard, you don’t love anyone but yourself. I’m a fucking demon and I know more about love than you do. Don’t say what you don’t mean. You should’a stayed with your chit, she suited you. A cold-hearted bitch who doesn’t give a flying fuck about anyone but herself.”

I shiver at the bitterness in his voice, reminding me of my sins. I made him like this.
I have to try again, make him see that I was afraid; that loving him means a lot of things. Thinking about a single one of them is scary. On a scale of one to ten each and every one comes in at about a hundred. I will more than likely have to give up everything I have to love him.

My folks aren’t gonna rstarstand, I can’t see my parents being happy their only son is gay. We don’t get on as well as we should but this will drive the wedge all the way down. I can’t see my friends, and they happen to be closer to me than my actual family, accepting this any easier. And I know Buffy will not be able to see past the fact that Spike doesn’t love her anymore. Willow, well she’ll be the only one who might understand. But she won’t like it any more than Buffy.

God knows what Giles will say, he’ll probably polish his glasses till he cracks the lenses. I can hear the lecture now, *He’s a demon, a killer, one without a leash now that the chip is gone. Are you out of your mind Xander? *

Watching Spike walk away the first time tore me in two because even though being with him means my life will never be the same, I can’t help but crave that, crave him. When he left me, it was like he took my soul with him. It took me just a few short minutes to realize one thing.

I can’t live without him.

Not now, not ever. I want to love him forever. I want to die in his arms. I don’t care if they all hate me for this, so long as he loves me. I know I fucked up royally. No words can express how sorry I am for what I did, but I have to try.

“Spike, Anya and I are so over. I..want. I mean I, that is umm” my voice trails away, and try as I might I can’t make the words work. Spike looks away, ignoring my babble, his body tenses when I open my mouth again, and his own words have me closing my jaw with a snap.

“Why? Hey, tell me that at least. Why fuck me like that? Like you cared about me? Why let me hope when you obviously don’t give a toss about me?”

His face swings back, blue eyes lock onto mine, and unbidden visions immediately run riot through my mind. Lying on our bed, holding Spike tenderly, kissing the soft sweep of neck up to the little curls that form at his nape. One hand cups the sharp angle of his cheek, a calloused thumb brushing over the soft pouting lips. Hearing his whispered moans, my name and God’s mixed in the same unneeded breath, knowing that he’s praying to me. Bringing my lips to cover his as I enter his tight body, the cool depths sucking me in till I’m drowning in him. Watching the blue bleed away into gold as I roll my hips, letting my cock brush over the place that makes him shudder in my arms. Then holding still, pressed up against that special spot until he whimpers *Please, please, Xan, fuck me *. Letting my cock slide ever so slowly out of his velvet passage, before returning to massage his gland again.

The pace is slow and leisurely, drawing out the pleasure until Spike is a quivering mass of need. Worshiping the vampire in my arms with equally slow kisses, expressing my love without words. Reaching down to hold his frantic hips still, letting my cock rotate inside his body with the movement of my hips, brushing his prostate continually until he can bear it no longer. His untouched cock leaping between us as he cums, the wet, sticky ejaculate coating our stomachs. The clamping muscles rippling along the length of my shaft and sending me to heaven. Momentarily paralysed as I cum deep inside my lover, before falling on top of him. Biting my lip to stop from confessing the love flooding through me body and soul.

I let out the breath I’m unconsciously holding, shaking myself out of my memories.

“I do care about you, more than I ever thought I could. I love you, Spike” I hang my head gathering all my courage and hoping to hell it’ll be enough. When I raise my eyes to his, I nearly drown in the dull pain I see there. Reacting without any conscious thought my hand reaches out to touch his cheek, sliding over the soft skin to settle at the nape of his neck. Strong enough to hold him steady when he tries to look away and hope rises in me when for all his strength he lets me.

“I was a coward. Is that what you wanted to hear?” I pause to let the words sink in. “That I was too afraid of what my friends and family would think of me to come out of the proverbial closet?” His eyes flutter closed for a second, when they open there’s a flash of something else there. I press on, not letting him say anymore till I’m finished. If I’m gonna make a fool of myself, I prefer to do it all at once.

“I’ve never been comfortable stepping out of normal, Spike. The stuff that happens on the Hellmouth pretty well shot that to idea to blazes. But all I ever really wanted was a normal life. To be just Xander Harris, the guy who got the American dream, the wife, kids and the house with the picket fence. The whole nine yards.”

Spike looks away now and I drop my hand at the finality of the gesture. I keep talking anyway just hoping he’ll hear me out.

“I know what your thinking, how normal is that when your fiancée is an
ex-vengeance demon? When Ahn and I broke up I said it was because I couldn’t bear for us to end up like my parents. That was partly true. The rest was because I didn’t love her enough to try. If you truly love someone, you can overcome any obstacles.”

Spike snorts and I shuffle my feet as he slides off the bar stool, my heart lurching painfully as memories of the last time he walked away sweep over me.

“I do love you, Spike. Believe me when I tell you that nothing else matters more to me than you. Please forgive me, Spike.”

He stops by the jukebox, his fingers tapping on the glass as I move to his side, not wanting to let him go.

“What’s to forgive? You had your fun, let’s just leave it at that, hey?”

There’s a lump the size of a boulder lodged in my throat and I try to swallow around it while he rummages in his pockets for change. I’m staring at the playlist until he drops a coin in the slot and I reach out and press the numbers before he can touch them. He flicks a condescending smile at me and turns back to the bar. The music flows through the opening bars as he crosses the room, he stumbles as the music and words break over him. I’m at his side in a heartbeat, sliding my hands around his waist, turning him in my arms till all I can see is wide open blue eyes.


Desperate for changing
Starving for truth
I'm closer to where I started
I'm chasing after you
I'm falling even more in love with you
Letting go of all I've held onto
I'm standing here until you make me move
I'm hanging by a moment here with you

He’s stiff in my arms and I gently slip my hands inside his duster, one finding the dip in the small of his back and resting there. His hands grasp my upper arms, maybe just to hold me off, but his gripsenssens slightly as I pull him closer to my warmth.


Forgetting all I'm lacking
Completely incomplete
I'll take your invitation
You take all of me

The hurt in his eyes is still there as I whisper the words of the song, the world closing around us. There is only we two, in this dark place, music swelling in the background. Unconsciously we start to stir, following the beat, our movements becoming more fluid, our bodies brushing lightly.

Now I'm falling even more in love with you
Letting go of all I've held onto
I'm standing here until you make me move
I'm hanging by a moment here with you
I'm living for the only thing I know
I'm running and I'm not quite sure where to go
And I don't know what I'm diving into
Just hanging by a moment here with you

I put my heart into the song, believing above all else thatwillwill be able to see I mean every word. His head drops to my shoulder and I take that opportunity to pull him flush against my body. We’re joined from shoulder to knee, swaying in the dark, melding together like we’ve never been apart.

There's nothing else to lose
There's nothing else to find
There's nothing in the world
That could change my mind
There is nothing else
There is nothing else
There is nothing else

I feel his tears soaking through the fabric of my shirt and let my fingers find their way under his shirt stroking him soothingly. Using my body to cradle his, as if he was suddenly going to stumble or fall.


Desperate for changing
Starving for truth
I'm closer to where I started
I'm chasing after you
I'm falling even more in love with you
Letting go of all I've held onto
I'm standing here until you make me move
I'm hanging by a moment here with you


My lips brush his ear, and my breath hitches as I sing the last of the song. I don’t want this sweet torture to end. I need him here in my arms, in my life, completing me.

I'm living for the only thing I know
I'm running and I'm not quite sure where to go
And I don't know what I'm diving into
Just hanging by a moment here with you
Just hanging by a moment
Hanging by a moment
Hanging by a moment
Hanging by a moment here with you

Silence falls and we seem to be frozen, arms around each other in the deserted bar. My voice breaks as he starts to shiver, wrapping my arms further around his body, trying to get under his skin. I mouth the smooth skin of his neck, whispering words into his ear, pressing desperate kisses along his cheek.

“Let me love you, please Spike, that’s all I ask.”

I’m pulled away roughly, startled by the lost expression on his face, by the wistful tone of his voice.

“Don’t break my heart again, Xan.”

I can’t speak, my breath hitches on a sob and I’m kissing him, lips grinding into his. It’s harsh in its intensity, this meeting of mouths, but as welcome as rain in the desert. Tonguenglengle, slipping and sliding as we duel for possessionnds nds and hips seeking comfort, unaware of our surroundings. I have to force myself away to breathe, letting my hands continue to stroke Spike’s passion higher.

“Trust me Spike, I will never hurt you again. I love you too much.”

We stumble across the floor to the men’s room, nearly falling through the door in our haste. It’s quick and it’s messy, hands diving into each other’s jeans, fumbling for the hard cocks pressed up against the denim, mouths engaged in a savage kiss. I struggle to bring myself back from the edge, breaking away to find the soft skin on Spike’s neck. Suckling, biting gently, I feel the desperation of the moment drop away as Spike whimpers in my ear.

Pushing him back against the door, I pull away from his neck to press my forehead against his. I’m breathing heavily, the hot air puffing over Spike’s face, as I pull myself together. Questions stare out at me as I press a soft lingering kiss on his lips. I smile reassuringly before I slide down his body until I’m on my knees before him. The waistband of his jeans is undone, the proud cock framed by the dark denim. My hands are on his hips, thumbs rubbing across the pale skin as I contemplate my next move. Spike’s face is a picture of concentration as I glance up at him from under my lashes.

I lean forward, lips parted, until I touch the hard length before me. I shiver, mouth opening wider to accept my lover’s gift, hands guiding him forward into my embrace. My lips twitch in a smile around the cock in my mouth as Spike’s body shudders. I let my tongue explore while I slide my lips down over the shaft, learning what he likes the most. Hands thread through my hair, fingers rubbing circles in my scalp as the hard cock drools and thrusts into my willing mouth. Relaxing as much as I can I pull him closer, letting the fleshy head bump the back of my throat, encouraging him further. He doesn’t thrust too hard, every second or third one going all the way in, crisp curls and harsh metal brushing my nose and lips.

The noise he’s tried to contain finds its way out, grunts and whispers falling around us. I reach down and wrap my hand around my cock, pulling hard and soft, building slowly, wanting to come when Spike does. His hands tighten in my hair and I’m suddenly held still while his thrusts speed up. I give myself over, trying not to gag at the cock ing ing down my throat. My own cock surges and suddenly we’re still, Spike’s bent over my head, and I swallow desperate to catch every drop of his cum. Fire races through me as orgasm overtakes me, cock jerking streams of cum falling onto the dirty floor. I press my face into Spike’s crotch breathing deeply, my lips gently massaging his spent cock, tears filling my eyes. Spike’s hands stroke my hair and I reluctantly pull away, sitting back on my heels. Looking up at him I feel the need to reassure him again.

“I promise I will never do anything to hurt you again. You are my heart, Spike, I can’t live without you.”

I’m pulled to my feet and into Spike’s arms, his lips kissing away the tears that trickle down my cheeks. His voice is tender, whispering in my ear, making fresh tears fall even though I’m smiling.

“I love you too, Xander. Take me home and you can show me how much I really mean to you, luv.”

I can’t speak I have to kiss him, holding him tight, swearing in my heart to never let him go again. Just hanging by a moment, forever.

The end