Poof

Poof (B/G Part Two)

The quiet click of the door echoed through the apartment, lr thr than if Giles had slammed it shut.

Buffy and Willow just looked at one another. Until Buffy exploded in anger.

"What's his problem?"

"Problem?"

"Obviously there's something really wrong "I'm attractive. I'm cute. I'm a sexy young thing. Aren't old, desperate men supposed to fawn over young women? Well here I am. The doofus is supposed to fall over himself for the chance to have sex with me. He's acting like it would be torture to do this with me"

"Buffy..." Willow paused, trying to phrase the next statement delicately and failing miserably, "Maybe you're not his type."

"Willow, you're gay now, right? Don't you find me attractive?" Asked Buffy as she spun around.

"Not really wanting to go in that direction, Buffy."

"What direction? What is it with you and Giles? Here I am." Said Buffy as she stalked over to the couch and flung herself down on it. "Come on Willow. Am I sexy or not?"

"Buffy, you're my friend."

"And you like girls now. So what's the prob? I'm young and sexy and I love to mingle. Are you saying that you don't want to have sex with me either? Riley always wants to have sex with me. Riley loves me. He finds me hot. Maybe I can make him my Watcher. Then I can have sex with Riley. Not that we actually need an excuse to have sex. This would be saving the world sex! Better than ever... Sex with a purpose, a mission... Sex with quest... Imagine the orgasms..." With that Buffy slid down into the couch, smile upon her face, obviously in a pre-Riley
orgasmic haze.

"Buffy, you can't just name Riley your Watcher. Giles, well, Wesley once showed me, okay, I sort of peaked at the requirements to becoming a Watcher. It's like complicated. And intense. Giles has been training for this since he was a kid. Why do you think the Council took him
back? The Council needs Giles, members of his family have been Watchers since the Council was founded. Giles has been a Watcher since he was a zygote, you can't just go poof, Riley is my Watcher. Watchers get acknowledged by the spiritual world. Besides the oath is in Latin or Greek or both. Does Riley even speak those?" Asked Willow coming to sit beside Buffy on the couch.

"Riley is smart. He's Professor Walsh's TA. He's in college, he's got a big head. And why don't you find me cute?" Buffy asked, with a sideways glance towards Willow.

"Riley is smart with guns and other Army things. Giles has what? Two degrees from Oxford? Speaks and reads how many different languages? There are other things a Watcher does, that Riley can't. Riley isn't into the whole demon mindset gestalt. He's more into 'see demon/stun demon.' Giles really works hard for you."

"Riley has a big brain! Riley is big." Buffy sighed "Giles keeps getting whacked on his. Besides you never answered my question." Responded Buffy.

"What question?"

"The what is yours and Giles' problem? The not finding Buffy attractive question. I mean I really don't understand Giles, he's a guy. Okay an old guy, but a guy. Olivia seems fine with him. She keeps coming back. Although, maybe Giles is on Viagra and she only comes to visit when he refills his prescription. My Mom was like, wow, although maybe she hadn't had any for a long, long time. And it was like, my Mom. She dated someone named Ted. Okay a robot named Ted, but if he hadn't turned into a homicidal psycho who wasn't even human Mom might still be together with him. But you're young. I'm young. So what's your problem?"

"Buffy!"

"Willow, you're my friend. You're gay. You dig chicks. What? Did I turn into a dog?"

"Buffy, friend. Tara girlfriend. See the difference?"

"No." Said Buffy as she turned to Willow on the couch. "I'm a girl. I'm just asking you if you find me attractive. Best friend to gay best friend and roomie. Still not getting Giles' problem, but wondering about yours."

"Buffy, I don't have a problem," Willow responded as she crossed her arms in front of herself. "Just not seeing you in that way. Buffy friend." Said Willow as she held her arms straight out in front of her. "Tara, " continued Willow moving her arms in a figure eight pattern in front of her "Tara" Willow sighed.

"What!" Buffy exclaimed sitting up on the couch. "What's that?" Asked Buffy copying Willow's figure eight motion. "Are you saying I'm too skinny? No one else thinks I'm too skinny. Guys seem to like me just fine. Riley doesn't think I'm too skinny. Angel likes me. Scott did until he turned into a goober. Even Parker and Xander liked me"

"You're lumping Xander with Parker?" Willow interrupted.

"I'm not, what, Rubenesque enough for you?" Buffy continued undaunted," You want me to be some doughy fat chick with dimpled thighs? What is it with you and Giles? You like girls with big thighs?"

"Tara does not have big thighs. Tara's perfect. You're fine. I just never think of you in a non-friend way. I don't see you that way."

"What way?"

"In a want to have sex with you way."

"Okay, not really wanting the details on sex with Willow."

"Hello? Not ever wanting the Riley/Buffy orgasm news."

Buffy and Willow just looked at each other and started to giggle. Which then progressed into the heavy laughter phase.

"We've been hanging with Anya and Xander way too long." Said Buffy between gasps for air.

"True, but not wanting to think about Anya and Xander orgasms either."

"Like we even have a choice." Buffy responded, "What do you think is
Giles' problem?"

"Aha!" Exclaimed Willow "Maybe that's what is going on with Giles. He just looks at you and goes 'Slayer.' Puts you right out of the wild monkey love category."

"Willow, you just said Giles and wild monkey love in the same sentence."

The girls looked at each other and dissolved into a mixture of eeeewwws
and giggles. Which led to hiccups as neither of those two sounds are ever recommended to be uttered together.

"Not even wanting to think of Giles and orgasms in the same hemisphere." Hiccuped Willow.

"Don't people develop brain damage after one too many blows to the head?" said Buffy returning to an earlier tangent. "Maybe that's why he won't do the ritual with me. He needs help to get it up."

"Or it might have something to do with the fact that my Slayer continually emasculates me."

Buffy and Willow's hiccups were cured instantly as they heard the dry voice behind them.

"Giles!" Exclaimed Willow. "How long have you been standing there?"

"Long enough for my headache to return." Replied Giles.

"Isn't that supposed to be my line?" Buffy muttered, raising her voice as she continued "What were you doing listening to our private conversation Giles? Don't you ever knock?"

"As this is my house," Giles responded as he walked into the kitchen and got a bottle of water and some aspirin, "I would have thought the need for knocking to be somewhat redundant. None of you lot ever seem to knock, so I'm not sure why I should do so upon entering my own home."

"Giles," Willow said, trying rather futilely to diffuse the tension emanating from both Giles and Buffy, "Giles, you and Buffy can't really be thinking of doing this. Because there's something very wrong with this."

"For starters, its really really gross." Stated Buffy

Giles just rubbed his forehead and swallowed another aspirin.

"Immoral" Added Willow

"Oh Please." Giles growled.

Willow and Buffy looked at Giles in astonishment as Giles drained the water and threw his glasses on the counter, walked over to where the book was resting on the table in front of the girls, who flinched back as Giles approached them. Giles just sighed. Or clucked. It might have been a mix between the two but the two girls didn't notice as they were staring wide-eyed at Giles. Who was purposely ignoring any and all reactions from them.

"Gross," Giles commented as he retrieved his glasses and began to read from the text pacing in front of Buffy and Willow. "The Ritual of Gnarch commences when the Slayer and the Watcher join together as man takes woman and woman lies with man within the sacred circle, sanctified by the oils and herbs (see appendix 4532). They shall copulate until both achieve orgasm. Thereafter they shall both be blessed with the knowledge and the power to triumph over the Yeoz demon."

"Yuck" Said Buffy

"Blech" Willow continued.

Giles looked up from appendix 4532 and stared at them through his glasses. "It is just sex," he replied, frustrated at them both. "In terms of bizarre sexual rites created by celibate monks in cells, this is nothing. This doesn't even make the top ten."

"Top ten?" Asked Willow

"Of the most disgusting and disturbing sexual practices created by fantasizing monks who've never had sex. Monks who spend 23 hours a day in their cells thinking up things that involve some complicated tantric yoga meditative trance before performing some convoluted sex act that takes hours. This," continued Giles gesturing at the text "this is nothing like the Bacchanal of Pan in the Fourth Realm." Said Giles with a slight shudder.

"Bath of Pain?" Asked Buffy

"Involves blood, semen, urine, feces, bile, four men and a goat."

Willow and Buffy looked at Giles in disbelief as Giles continued." This is just sex with scented oil" said Giles dismissively.

"A Goat" Willow squeaked

"We're doing this?" repeated Buffy

"No we aren't doing this." Responded Giles

"What is your problem?" Asked Buffy standing up and glaring at Giles
"You don't want me?"

"Oh yes," Giles responded, throwing both the text and his glasses on the table glaring back down at Buffy. "I'm aching for you. I yearn for you. I think of you with my every waking moment. I dream of you. When I'm with Olivia, I think of you. I see no other women but you."

"No need to get snippy, Giles"

"Get over yourself." Snapped Giles. "I'm trembling to be with some teenage girl who thinks I'm a passionless, sexless, impotent eunuch. I have no self esteem. Let me kneel, at your feet, begging you, calling your name. Let us get oiled and have sex."

"Goat" squeaked Willow

The moment broke between Buffy and Giles as they looked to Willow, who seemed to mouthing the words to 'Old Mac Donald'.

"She's not leaving the farm anytime soon" Buffy wryly commented to Giles as they looked at Willow silently singing and stopping to say 'goat' now and then.

"Perhaps you should get her some air"

"Come on farm girl," Buffy said to Willow hauling her to her feet and helping her to the door with a steadying arm around her.

"Giles?"

He lifted his head from his hand where he was rubbing the bridge of his nose.

"Giles?" repeated Buffy looking Giles in the eye, "So are we going to do this?"

"What do you think Buffy" as he closed the door, leaving Buffy and Willow outside his apartment.