The Ultimarossrossover

Chapter Two
Faith stood there in her usual all-leather outfit, holding the door wide open. Her eyes were big like saucers and her jaw was hanging open. She had been standing this way for five entire seconds before the girl on the porch said something.
“So,” Faith’s twin said. “I guess you’re surprised to see me?”
Buffy came running towards the door. She had been upstairs and had just realized that she had heard the doorbell. “Missy? Is Missy here?!”
Yes, it ind indeed, Faith’s twin sister Missy from Rancho Carne. Which, if I am not mistaken, means Meat Camp. The twins had both been born in Boston, but when their mother discovered Missy’s strange, inexplicable ability to freeze objects by touching them, she put her up for adoption. Having a mutant baby was just too much to handle. Fortunately years at a private school only for mutants helped Missy to control her freakish ta and and use it only for good. No longer would she be known as “Blue Balls”, a nick-name acquired afan uan unfortunate incident involving Missy’s first sexual experience with a boy whose genitalia had to be thawed out with a hair-dryer afterwards. But the school for mutants helped her to work past it all and begin living a normal life, starting at a new school in California. She told Buffy and Faith all about it while they sat in the Summers’ living room, eating pop-tarts.
“So Missy, what do you like to do in your spare time?” Buffy asked, doing her best not to drool. It was impossible to say which of the twins was better looking, since they were completely identical in every way. She wondered if they looked the same naked. The only thing really different was that Missy’s hair was in wraand and Faith’s… well… it wasn’t in wraps. Buffy tried to quit thinking about that and go back to imagining them naked.
“I’m a cheerleader.” Missy replied with a straight-face.
Imagining the girls naked vanished entirely as Buffy choked on her pop-tart.


Willow knew it was a mistake that she would regret, but she was driven by her love for Peter and in a jealous rage, she went to his high school wearing the sluttiest outfit in her closet: Bibbed overalls. You might not thihat hat sounds slutty, but they were the kind with shorts.
As she walked into the lunch room she saw her beloved cousin sitting at a table, across from a blonde girl and a brown haired boy. She realized that this must be the girl he was in love with, and she felt a pang of jealousy. You see, years ago when Peter had told Willow that he was in love with Mary Jane, she thought nothing of it. After all, she just figured he was referring to the kind of Mary Jane you roll up and smoke, not the kind you roll up and… you know… roll up and… say “Look, a girl!” with. Yeah, that’s it.
Willow quietly approached them and sat down, noting thockeocked expression on her cousin’s face. He managed to sit there with his mouth hanging open, speechless.
“Hello, you must be the new girl.” Mary Jane said with a perfect, toothy smile.
Willow took note of the fact thar brr breasts seemed perky and had the sudden inexplicable longing to touch them, which seemed odd at the time because this was only the beginning of season three and she wasn’t a lesbian yet! Prying her eyes away from the blonde’s chest, she replied; “Yes, that’s right. the the new girl. My name is… uh… Michelle. Michelle Flaherty.” That sounded like a nice made-up name.
Peter buried his head in his hands and groaned aloud.
Suddenly there was the sound of a scream coming from the direction of the girl’s bathroom. Willow and Mary Jane rushed towards the already-forming crowd surrounding someone neither of them recognized, laying on the floor just outside the ladies room, completely petrified.
“He’s been petrified!” A voice of brilliance sung out, enlightening us all.
Willow wondered if perhaps this was some sort of spell. She remembered back to the last time she had seen something like this… this kind of petrification. Yes, it was when she was at Hogwart’s school of witchcraft and wizardry still reading futile spellbooks on topics like “How to Bring a Vampire Slayer Back from the Dead in Five Easy Steps”. In fact, she had been masturbating with that very book when she had heard the screams coming from… hmm… the ladies room. What an odd coincidence.
Then Willow realized that this was a very different situation entirely. Those screams had been coming from the ladies room because she was IN the ladies room. Masturbating. , sh, she wasn’t masturbating with a book about vampire slayers, she was having sex with one. A vampire slayer, that is. Not a book. And when I said that she heard screaming, what I really meant was that she WAS screaming, and heard herself. Screaming. Because she was having sex with a vampire slayer in the ladies room. So really, it was the same, only different all at once. (By the way that line about it being the same only different all at once is some of my best work, and I am very certain that it meets MatrReloReloaded qualifications. I’ll be looking forward to hearing from a producer very soon).
Well back to reality (oh there goes gravity… and now the 8 Mile crossover section is officially over), Willow stared at the body seemingly frozen in time and wondered just how something this awful could have happened to a poor little innocent child. Actually, he didn’t look so innocent standing outside the girl’s bathroom holding a camen frn front of his face. It might have been that, or maybe the fact that one hand was holding the camera, and the other was down the front of his pants… what a horrible position to be permanently frozen in. Irregardless, whoever had done that to him was a wicked bastard who needed to be stopped.
Peter stared at the boy and then realized that there was a trail of spiders slowly moving away from the body. Curious, he followed them, away from the crowd and down an empty hallway. This was when one of the spiders bit him and duh duh duh Doo! He turned into… *suspenseful music*
*long pause*
*more long pauses*
HE TURNED INTO… SPIDERMAN! (aptly named).
Of course, when he emerged from the hallway wearing a spandex suit decorated in a spider web, no one thought anything of it. After all, this is Sunnydale we are talking about. Now in this case it happens to be a GREAT thing that the trail of spiders were, in fact, spiders, and not butterflies. You (dear reader) may not be aware of this, but there once was a ButterFlyMan who fought evil in some developing cities near Omaha and was terribly unsuccessful. Typically he could get the flying part down ok, but all his opponents had to do was fashion some kind of large blue light (often found in Kmart stores) and wait for him to fly into it. This is why we are glad that Peter was bitten by a spider. Go ahead and say it aloud… you’re glad too.
Even though Willow is a bright young girl, she couldn’t manage to put two and two together. Her cousin disappeared into a deserted, dark, and entirely empty hallway. Then a boy in spandex emerged frhe she same exact deserted, dark, and entirely empty hallway. It seemed like something should fit together but she couldn’t quite put her finger on what it was. Instead she just wondered where Peter had run off to. She resolved to leaving the school in a hasty effort to track him down… and off she went.

“You were a cheerleader?!” Faith screamed, throwing her pop-tart in agony.
“No, no sister, you misunderstood me.” Missy said, speaking softly.
Slightly embarrassed, the slayer sat down and tried not to blush. “Oh, sorry Missy. What exactly did you say… because it sounded like you said that you used to be a cheerleader?”
“No, I said that I AM a cheerleader. I didnsed sed to be one. I am one now!” Upon saying this, she leapt up and ripped away her starter jacket, exposing a Rancho Carne Cheer sweater that said ‘Missy’ across her nipple. At this point Faith began to cry.
Then (doo doo doo!) there was a knock at the door! (Everyone gasp. Go ahead, do it). Buffy got up to answer the door, seeing that Missy was too busy clapping and chanting about being aggressive, and Faith was a slobbering, sniffling mess. At the door was a young man that she didn’t recognize wearing spandex.
“I’m sorry,” Buffy said, fear in her eyes, “we don’t allow men wearing spandex into this household.”
Before she could shut the door he blurted out, “I’m Willow’s cousin, Peter Parker!”
She stopped and stared at him warily. “Peter Parker, eh? That name doesn’t sound familiar… are you sure that when you say Willow you are referring to my best friend who is a witch with brilliant red hair, and not, perhaps, a dwarf-like man who traveled into the land of the Dikini’s, destined to return Elora Danon, a baby who is truly the future princess of Tir Asleen and also fulfill a prophecy of overthrowing the evil queen and along the way was joined by a powerful swordsman named Madmartigan and a beautiful sorceress called… Fin Raziel who actually turned out to be a very old woman?”
Peter shook his head. “No, I mean Willow. Your friend.”
“Oh thank god!” She said with a happy sigh, swinging the door open and allowing him to come in. “Because I am so creeped out by dwarves.” When Buffy turned back to look into the living room, she saw that Faith and Missy were making out on the couch. It was by-far the hottest thing that ever transpired in the history of the universe. Ok well maybe not, but it definitely made Buffy cream her pants again. (Author laughs hysterically and now needs a pill for the belly-ache).
She was just about to go show them just what the term ambidextrous REALLY meant when Willow walked through the front door.
“Aha!” The witch exclaimed, pointing at her cousin. “I found you after all! You thought you could hide from me… but you can’t!” As she walked in, she pulled Mary Jane in behind herself, holding onto her hand and practically dragging her.
“Mary Jane…” Peter said with a lovesick sigh.
Missy suddenly pushed her twin sister onto the floor violently and jumped up, straightening her cheer uniform. “Torrance! What are you doing here?!”
Mary Jane/Torrance looked back and forth between the two of them with her jaw hanging open… something that had become a new trend for the characters of this story since the author decided to use it as her ONLY description of characters feeling surprised. “Missy! What are you doing here?” She managed to stutter. “You weren’t supposed to know about my secret identity as Mary Jane, the somewhat-more-sofisticated-merely-because-I’m-not-bubbly-and-I-have-a-job-as-a-waitress girl!”
Missy cried out in agony, and so did Faith, for no apparent reason.
Peter started to feel left out, seeing as he had not been part of the cool group of people who had used the phrase “what are you doing here” and so he made a mental note to use said phrase a later time in order to be accepted in his circle of peers.
“Why do you have a secret identity?” Buffy asked with great interest. She was finding this blonde girl to be rather cute.
But Mary Jane/Torrance merely burst into tears and ran out of the house, leaving everyone confused. But the author was happy because it left her with fewer explanations to make, since she couldn’t think of a single fucking reason as to why Kirsten Dunst would have secret identities.
This is when the author skips over everything and just simply moves ahead.
Missy stepped forward. “Perhaps I can explain all of this, if you just sit down.”
Peter and Willow sat beside each other on the taupe couch while Buffy made herself comfortable on Faith’s face.
“Now, pay close attention, because this is complicated.” Missy began, pacing the room as she spoke. “My name is Missy Pantone, and I was separated from my identical twin sister, Faith Pantone, at birth.”
Everyone nodded, except for Faith, who merely flicked her tongue in response.
Missy continued. “My brother is named Cliff Pantone, but no one has seen him in months since our Yellow Dog ran away… Far From Home. As far as we know, he is still out there looking for the dog. And this guy right here,” she said, pointing at Peter, “is Peter Parker. Is everyone following me?”
Once again, more nodding, and for Faith there was some slight thrusting and swirling of the tongue.
“Peter is Willow’s cousin and he was bitten by a mutant spider that was created in Dr. Xaviar’s labs. I am also a mutant, I can turn things into ice.” Missy said with a definite smile, confident in her ability to overcome the cheerleader stereotype and explain things in a simple, understandable way.
Suddenly there was the beautiful sound of a roaring engine outside the Summers’ home. Willow, Peter, and Missy ran outside to see who it was (Buffy and Faith stayed behind and I don’t think I need to explain why).
Standing beside a brand new Aston Martin coupe was a well-dressed boy with a thin jaw and curly blonde hair. “Hello.” He said with a rather arrogant tone. “I am here to pick up my sister Kathryn, is she home?”
Missy scratched her head. “Now this one really confuses me.”

To Be Continued…