Who I am...

Disclaimer in Chapter 1.
This story was inspired by the Reliant K song "Who I am Hates Who I've Been", which struck me as an excellent Fuffy song in and of itself. Disclaimer: I do not own the copywrite to these lyrics and gain nothing, especially not monetary compensation, for the use of them here.

I watched the proverbial sunrise
coming up over the Pacific and
you might think I'm losing my mind,
but I will shy away from the specifics...

'cause I don't want you to know where I am
'cause then you'll see my heart
in the saddest state it's ever been.

This is no place to try and live my life.

Stop right there. That's exactly where I lost it.
See that line. Well I never should have crossed it.
Stop right there. Well I never should have said
that it's the very moment that
I wish that I could take back.

I'm sorry for the person I became.
I'm sorry that it took so long for me to change.
I'm ready to try and never become that way again
'cause who I am hates who I've been.
Who I am hates who I've been.

I talk to absolutely no one.
Couldn't keep to myself enough.
And the things bottled inside have finally begun
to create so much pressure that I'll soon blow up.

I heard the reverberating footsteps
sinking up to the beating of my heart,
and I was positive that unless I got myself together,
I would watch me fall apart.

And I can't let that happen again
`cause then you'll see my heart
in the saddest state it's ever been.

This is no place to try and live my life.

Stop right there. That's exactly where I lost it.
See that line. Well I never should have crossed it.
Stop right there. Well I never should have said
that it's the very moment that
I wish that I could take back.

Stop right there. That's exactly where I lost it.
See that line. Well I never should have crossed it.
Stop right there. Well I never should have said
that it's the very moment that
I wish that I could take back.

I'm sorry for the person I became.
I'm sorry that it took so long for me to change.
I'm ready to try and never become that way again
'cause who I am hates who I've been.
Who I am hates who I've been.

Who I am hates who I've been
and who I am won't take the second chance you gave me.
Who I am hates who I've been
`cause who I've been only ever made me...

So sorry for the person I became.
So sorry that it took so long for me to change.
I'm ready to try and never become that way again
`cause who I am hates who I've been.
Who I am hates who I've been.
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Faith was in an uncommonly good mood. She wasn't exactly a sour, angry person all of the time. In fact she rather tried to enjoy life. But a bounce was in her step and a happy smirk on her face. She even waved and nodded to the children that seemed to notice and smile at her. Those little words, not only from Buffy, but saying them back, had just felt so good. Though Buffy often told her that the past was past and that they were better than okay now, Faith was always afraid of screwing things up again.

And yet, somehow, she hadn't. They had their fights, but they always eventually made up again. Usually the fights were over the same thing, her unwillingness to give up slaying. Buffy just didn't understand what made Faith have to slay. She didn't understand that it really was a Calling, a sacred duty, to her. She knew, deep in her gut, that even with all of the other slayers that existed now, she made a difference, however small. She had to fight, to slay. She wanted to help people. And so long as she was capable of her Slayer duties, she would stick to them. Buffy had never wanted to be a Slayer in the first place, and hadn't nearly enjoyed it as much as Faith had. It wasn't her calling, and because of that, she didn't understand why, though there were countless other slayers to take up the fight now, Faith wouldn't give it up. After all, even as a slayer, she wasn't as young as she used to be, and healing and energy took longer now.

But with all of those differences and their past aside, Buffy had asked her to come for Christmas. With all of those things, Buffy still missed her. She smiled and couldn't help but start whistling as she spun a stake in her hand, strolling along at a liesurely pace. She wasn't really looking for much action on tonight's patrol, and thus didn't mind warning whatever bloodsuckers might be around that a very happy slayer was in their midst. Maybe she'd still drop by Elm though, some of the nastier vamps liked to prey on carolers there.

Faith was surprised though, when she turned the corner, and saw a girl of about ten or eleven walking down the sidewalk, and paying close attention to the street. Obviously, she wasn't paying close enough attention, because as a rather large delivery truck, with the Macy's logo on it, came speeding down the street, she ran out just in front of it. The dark-haired slayer didn't even think about it before she dropped her stake and ran, full tilt, at them. She barely managed to get there in time, the truck's breaks screaming, to push the girl out of the way. Buffy had been right, it was dangerous... but she'd have done this anyway, even if she wasn't an active slayer anymore.

The driver was quick to jump out and check on both she and the girl, and in a panic ran to find a phone and call the ambulance. Faith knew that something was wrong when she saw the girl, barely ruffled, staring at her. She couldn't breathe well, and she couldn't feel her legs at all. There was a dull ache to her head, but she expected that after being hit full on by a truck. "You... you..."

"Hey, don't sweat it kid." Her voice was gurgly and came out broken, which surprised her yet more. She must have really fucked up this time. Buffy was gonna kill her once she healed. When the girl crawled over and didn't dare to touch or move her more than brush some bloody hair out of Faith's face, the slayer worried yet more. Just how bad off was she.

"You shouldn't have saved me... I deserve to die." The kid? The kid was saying that. Faith struggled to sit up so that she could convince the girl not to think that, but found she could barely move her head to frown at her. "I... I've done terrible things."

"Hey, don't... don't say stuff like that." Faith had to force the words out. Her eyes felt so heavy, but she wasn't going to pass out. Not after learning that the girl really had run in front of the truck on purpose. Not until she was sure that the kid wouldn't try it again. "I... I've probably done worse than you ever could, kid." She chuckled a bit, but it only brought on some violent coughs, and she was surprised to taste blood in her mouth afterward. "I... hell... I wanna take back more than you could imagine. I hate who I've been. But dying ain't the answer." The girl shook her head and tried to quiet the slayer, but Faith, as ever, was being stubborn... to her last breath. "Hell kid... I... I wish I knew then what I know now." Her voice was far too quiet as she said that, and as Faith realized that the dark fading in around her vision wasn't her closing her eyes, she sent a last thought out to Buffy, that, once again, she was sorry.

The girl, looked sadly down at her savior, a jade pendant around her neck glowing. In an odd echo of Anya, she held back her tears and closed her eyes. "Done."

TBC
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Told you that it only STARTED out at Christmas time.