Dark Soul

Xander gasped in pain. None of it physical, but his mind was hit with image after image of slaughtered innocence. Everything flowed into his being like a tidal wave and it hurt. It hurt and his soul felt like an anchor on top of his body – pulling him down and he couldn't move. He needed to run, if they noticed he had a soul he would be tortured, battered, bloodied. All the pain that was surging through him was nothing compared to what the Master would do to him. If he were to be given to Willow he would suffer fates far worse than death.

Looking around he noticed that Willow was still looking intently at Puppy as Darla screamed and yelled. If he was going to make it out now was time to do it. His body felt so weak and heavy, it took him for what seemed to be forever to get to his feet as he ran straight out the cell door.

On the way to his sleeping chambers he collapsed in the hall. A minion took a look at him huddled on the floor of the dark hallway. "Are you alright?" he asked. Xander was angry; this thing was talking to him. If he answered they would know, he thought. When he was human he knew he had been weak. All his thoughts were focused on the babbling teen that he once was – the worthless Xander Harris. No one could know he had a soul. “Not now!” his demon cried out as he leapt up and attacked the minion.

"I'm not alright," he screamed as he threw the minion up against the concrete wall. He couldn't see straight and everything was a blur. What was he? An abomination, that is what he thought, it was what he knew. He had to be an abomination because he was neither a vampire nor a human.

"What the hell am I?" he asked as he grasped the minion's shoulders. This was degrading; he was seeking solace from a confused looking minion. Tears began to prickle his eyes and he knew he wasn't going to find an answer here. He grabbed the minion and flung his body like a rag doll – hurling it to the floor.

"What the fuck is your problem?" the minion asked. Xander knew but he couldn’t say it out loud, but his problem was that he had a soul. But it was more than that, something else swelled within his being and made him feel like he was dying. The soul felt like a huge weight that slowly but surely going to kill him and he couldn't stand it.

Without giving the minion an answer he ran to his room. He flung the door open and then slammed it shut. Leaning with his back to the door he slid down slowly. He stared into space and let the tears fall. Now he knew exactly what the weight was, it filled his insides with fire and felt like it was slowly burning away everything he was. It was guilt. Everything he had ever done as a vampire was all that flowed through his mind.

Why had he done those things? All those screams, all those tears. He had been the one to cause them and he didn't know what to do to stop the hurting. All he could do was let the tears fall down from his chocolate brown eyes. He curled himself into a tight ball on the floor and rocked back and forth, tears soaking his face.

"Xander what's going on in there baby?" Willow's voice called from the other side of the door and he froze. If she smelled or noticed the soul on him his unlife was over. His body was aching from all the guilt, all the tears. But he had to answer or she'd come in, she would come in and know he wasn't right. That he wasn't her Xander, but something less and inferior.

"Willow I'm fine just go away." He was praying she would just obey her sire and leave. If she didn't he might have to do something about her and he knew he wouldn't be able to. He loved Willow as a human and as a demon. Her death would only make his soul ache from more guilt, and his demon would feel hollow by the loss of his childe.

"Xander I just wanted to play. Darla is letting Puppy sleep and I have no one to play with. Bored now. If you let me in we can play daddy. Please daddy?"

"No," he growled. "Go away and leave me the fuck alone." His demon began to rattle, he wanted Willow. Needed her. But she would never be able to accept a soul. She was more ruthless than any other vampire he'd known and he would never be able to convince her to accept him. Even though he was her sire, she would never love him with a soul of that he was completely certain.

Through their bond as sire and childe he could feel her move away from the door and move down the hall. Realizing that now he was truly alone he let the tears take over again. Every scream, every little drop of blood spilled, all of it clear in his mind as if it were an event that had just occurred. It was too much to handle and his body convulsed as he threw up unto the floor – passing out soon after.
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When he came to he thought about everything that had happened. Somehow Willow's attempt to remove Puppy's soul had given him back his. Whatever cruel god could allow such things to happen obviously was having a good laugh. He wasn't Xander Harris anymore, and he wasn't Xander master vampire anymore either. What he was, was an abomination.

What would he do now? Should he go tell the Master of what Willow had done and get him to help remove the soul? But he knew it wouldn't be that simple. He was tainted and there was probably no way to fix it. If he went to the Master then he would probably be kept as property – tortured day after day. Punishment for having the mordacity to house a human soul in a vampire's body, he would be another Puppy and he couldn't handle that.

Everything that he was, was gone now. What brought him here was not important, but he remembered everything from the moment he was reborn.

When he had been turned he was near breaking point. His father and uncle had both beaten and raped him repeatedly over the last few years of his life – and he had wished for death more than anything else. That was when he ran into Darla in the alleyway behind the Bronze. She had vamped in front of him and he didn't care. If she made the pain of his life go away then he would welcome anything she would give. Apparently death was her gift and it was a gift he treasured from the time he took his last breath and would always remain with him as he first awoke in the cemetery.

The first thing he did as a vampire was to kill every single member of his family. One by one he'd drag them into the darkest places of Sunnydale. Then he would rape, torture, and torment them for as long as he could. At first he wanted them to live for a lifetime like he had. Being treated as nothing and always feeling alone knowing no one would make the pain stop. But his demon was impatient and grew weary of the games he played. So he killed them fast after breaking every inch of their body he could lay his hands on.

The one thing he could be proud of, as a demon was his Willow. He turned her a week after his own turning – sure in the knowledge she would be his companion and lover throughout eternity. Willow was his friend and she was everything to him. Without her he would have never lasted as a human for as long as he did. So one night he simply took her from the street and dragged her to the privacy of the cemetery crypts. He drained his precious Willow and laid her in a stone coffin.

When his Willow had risen he was astonished by how brutal she was. Child like and cunning, she was his equal in the art of pain. How his demon loved and cried out for her. She was perfect for him in life as she was in death. That was his everything and all he needed to know.

But now he didn't have that. Willow was now far too cruel – a strong and ruthless master vampire. She would sooner kill him than accept his soul with welcome arms. So now he knew exactly what he had do to. He was going to run. It was the only way for him to be safe from his clan.

He began to pack everything in his room. The majority of his possessions were tools, tools that he used with brutal efficiency in playing with his prey. Now looking at them he felt the imaginary anchor attached to his body begin to weigh upon him more. Those items were in the past and all he needed now were clothes.

Quickly packing he ran out the door and into the hall. It was time to say goodbye to this unlife and hope that one day he might be able to find peace. This guilt was killing him and he needed to hold on, perhaps one day things would change and he'd be able to control the soul and return to his Willow. It gave him hope and he began to run down the hall.

Suddenly his head ached and flashing imagines began to play through his head. Imagines of things horrible and dangerous. It felt so god-awful. More painful than anything he had ever felt. He grasped his head and thrashed into the ground.

"No. Please stop. Please. Please. Please stop," he yelled and started to bang his head against the floor. Images. That's all they were horrible, horrible images. These weren't mind flashes of times past however. They weren't the past at all, they felt like things yet to be done, events yet to occur.

What he saw in his mind were images of Puppy. Someone was yelling and beating him. Puppy felt so alone and so hurt; it broke Xander on the inside. He could feel all the loneliness and doubt that flowed through Puppy's mind and he was breaking. Why were these images pulsing through his head? Why were they about Puppy? All he knew was in those images, those visions - he could sense everything that Puppy was feeling. Puppy's feeling's mirrored his own and he knew that this meant something.

He knew he and Puppy were exactly the same now. Both of them vampires with souls. Both tormented by pasts they could not take back even though they wished more than anything they could. Puppy was experiencing all the horror he had wrought, and he had to cope with more than a hundred years worth of guilt and pain.

'What the hell have I done.' Now he realized that he could have done something to stop Puppy's torture. When the Master had asked him if Willow could keep him, he could have just said no. But he didn't. He knew it wasn't entirely his fault. He was a soulless, evil vampire. It didn't hurt any less though.

Tears began to fall again and he sobbed for Puppy. But now wasn't the time for tears. He needed to get away now, and he was taking Puppy with him.

He got up and ran toward the holding area. When he reached Puppy's cell he noticed that Puppy was sleeping in the corner. But it wasn't a proper rest. Puppy was turning and moaning as if in pain. Xander needed to get in there and grab him, make him stop. How had Puppy survived this long with a soul and not break? Xander had only had his soul for a few hours and he felt as though he would die from it all.

Puppy was going to help him. That is what he decided as he watched the trembling figure on the floor. Puppy was going to help him deal with his soul in exchange for breaking him free. It wasn't fair but life had dealt him a crappy hand, heaven be damned if he didn't try to cheat. Hopefully Puppy wasn't broken, and he could reach out to the dark vampire and try to reason with him.

Pushing doubt aside Xander opened the cell and walked toward Puppy. Luckily Willow hadn't locked it else he might have never been able to get in. Puppy was trembling even more, as if in sleep he could sense Xander's presence. It hurt watching someone like this, especially seeing as how this could be his fate if they did not leave now.

"Puppy, Puppy, get up." He grasped his shoulders and started shaking him, trying to sound calm and relaxed. If he scared Puppy he might not go with him. "C'mon get up."

Puppy's eyes opened and he looked up at Xander. He was shaking and he began to back away and into the corner. He just huddled himself in the corner and stared at Xander with wide eyes.

"I'm not going to hurt you. I don't have time to explain but we are both leaving." Hopefully the promise of leaving would get Puppy to move. However Puppy didn't move. He began to spasm and shake his head. Tears began to prick his eyes and Puppy was weeping. Xander didn't know what was wrong with him; he came closer and tried to grab Puppy. But Puppy only backed away from the touch and leant more into the corner.

"What's wrong Puppy? We have to go and if you don't help me get you out then you can't leave. Don't you get it?" He was trying to sound calm but this was getting on his nerves. Maybe he was wrong and Puppy had been broken. He would have wept himself, but it wasn't time for that.

Puppy still remained shaking and Xander knew he probably wasn't going to be able to reach him. But still he had to try. " Puppy * please *. For fucks sake talk to me. I know you can still do it just try. Tell me what's going on so we can go. You have to."

Puppy looked up at him with tear filled eyes and started to shake his head. " You’re not real. This is a dream. It’s all I ever dream about, leaving and being free. But it doesn't come. The dreams lie to me and they never let me free. So you’re not real because I know I will never be free."

Xander came closer and grasped Puppy's head in both his hands. Puppy tried to look away, but Xander forced his tear filled eyes to look into his. " Listen Puppy. I'm real OK. I'm here to free you and we are both leaving. I'm freeing you. So * please * will you come with me."

Puppy was still shaking his head crying even more. " I know it's not real. You’re her sire. It's a trick. You’re trying to make me think that so you can break me. Please stop. Please. Please. Please," he was chanting it over and over.

Xander let tears fall down his face. Everything Puppy was experiencing was beyond torment. He had to stop this, make Puppy believe this was real. He tightened his hands over Puppy's face and he knew what he had to do.

"* Angelus *, look at me. I'm the same as you. I have a soul." Puppy tried to turn his head but Xander held firmly." Just please for one fucking second look. You don't have to fear me I won't hurt you. And if you come with me I promise. I. * Promise *. That no one will ever hurt you again. Please come with me."

Puppy looked at him and his tears began to gleam as they trickled down his face. " Nobody's like me," Puppy said.

Xander pulled his right hand away and bit into it, blood flowing down his palm. " Well I am. And I'm going to prove it to you." Then he offered Puppy his wrist and watched as the dark vampire drank. He knew through blood all things were connected. If Puppy drank of him then maybe he'd be able to taste, to feel his soul.

"Will you come with me now?" He took his hand away from Puppy and waited for his reaction.

Puppy stared for a second before nodding. That was it. Xander reached him through the blood and now they could leave. Hopefully he was doing the right thing. Puppy had been through so much that Xander wondered if it would have been more merciful to have just staked him. But he knew he couldn’t do that. Now he needed Puppy. Puppy was going to help him with his soul.

"Good. Put your arms around me and lean into me." Puppy did as he said and put his shackled arms around Xander's neck. The shackles that held Puppy to the wall were strong, but Xander could easily break them. The only reason Puppy couldn’t was because he was denied blood for weeks on end, never able to regain full strength. Plus the beatings only served to weaken his resolve.

Puppy leaned into Xander as the younger vampire yanked the chains. Soon the chains snapped and Puppy was now free.

"Can you stand?" Xander asked. Puppy slowly shook his head. Xander had suspected as much and he grabbed Puppy from behind the legs and lifted him off his feet. Puppy was now cradled in Xander's arms.

"Just hold on to me. I don't know what to expect and we might have to make a run for it. If you fall I don't know if I'll be able to get you before we are both killed. So please just hold on."

He walked out with Puppy. There was no telling what was going to happen when they got out of there.

TBC