Love, loss and music.

Xander wiped a stray tear from his cheek and took a deep, steadying breath. How was he going to get through Jesse’s favourite song if he couldn’t even improvise for a while without bawling? Taking a sip from the cacao he revelled in the warmth, soothing his throat and relaxing his vocal chords. Coughing once and shaking his head slightly to clear his mind Xander then started moving his fingers in an all too familiar pattern and gently he started to sing.

“From a phone booth in Vegas Jesse calls at five am
To tell me how she’s tired of all of them
She says: -Baby I’ve been thinking about a trailer by the sea
We could go to Mexico, you, the cat and me
We’ll drink tequila and look for seashells
Now doesn’t that sound sweet?
Oh Jesse, you always do this every time I get back on my feet”

~

Jesse is sitting by his feet on a blanket with his head rested on the knee that is not supporting the guitar. Idly stroking a finger in circles on the inner side of his knee and thigh. The air is warm and humid and the birds are all fast asleep. The flickers of candlelight dance upon the two boys’ skin and Xander feels utterly at peace. The song is one of Jesse’s favourites Xander once pointed out that the person who the song was about was a girl, but Jesse had just shook his head at that.
“I love it when you sing my name Xan, it makes me feel special and the song is fitting somehow you know.”
Oh yeah, Xander knew.
~

“Jesse paint your pictures about how it’s gonna be
By know I should know better
Your dreams are never free
But tell me all about our little trailer by the sea
Oh Jesse, you can always sell any dream to me”

That was something Jesse had always been good at: painting pictures of happier times and making up stories. His places were always the best when they played “anywhere but here”. Something they often did when Jesse’s father had been extra hard in his critique of his younger son’s inappropriate interests in music and reading or had tried to toughen his son up by sending him away to football camp or military camp. Or when Xander’s parents had once again forgotten that they had a son and left for one of their trips without leaving money for food or when their arguments just got too much and Xander just had to get away.

“She asks me how the cat’s been
I say Moses? He’s just fine
But he used to think about you all the time
We finally took your pictures down off the fall
Oh Jesse, how do you always seem to know just when to call

She says: -Get your stuff together
Bring Moses and drive real fast
And I listen to her promise:
-I swear to God this time it’s gonna last”

Xander smiled in bittersweet remembrance. They used to play games; him, Jesse and Willow that they were other people with different lives, the Invincible Trio they had called themselves. Jesse was the Warrior Scholar, Willow was the Seductive Sorceress and Xander was the Prince Protector. The unspoken head of the trio he had on occasion protected Willow from bullies and stood up to Jesse’s father and older brothers when he had opportunity. Xander of course had blushed and tried to get them to choose another title for him, but of course it hadn’t worked. Yeah, he thought bitterly. Prince Protector, what a joke. He hadn’t been able to save Jesse from the real baddies of the night when push came to shove. He had even gone so far as to actually kill what was left of his boyfriend. Of course thinking like in the comic books and the tales of noble fights that Jesse liked to read aloud to him; killing the vampiric Jesse had been the right thing to do, the merciful thing even. In killing him he had assured that Jesse’s soul would never have to be burdened by what crimes the demon did using his body.

But that was all philosophical argument that in no way lessened the pain of not having his friend with him anymore or the guilt he felt every time his mind replayed the moment when his stake went into the other boys chest. That second before the body turned to dust Xander could swear that he had seen Jesse for real in those chocolate brown eyes, flickering for an instant in love and recognition before he was gone, forever.

So no more playing and no more plans of going away together after graduation, to just keep driving until they had left all the bad memories behind. The dreams would never be realized, not with Jesse, never a chance. They would never have the chance to be happy together.
Xander furiously blinked away the tears that stung his eyes, forcing his voice to hold steady as he sang.

“Jesse paint your pictures about how it’s gonna be
By now I should know better
Your dreams are never free
But tell me all about our little trailer by the sea
Oh Jesse, you can always sell any dream to me

I love you in the sunshine
Lay you down in the warm white sand
And who knows maybe this time
Things will turn out just the way you planned”

~

They’re down by the beach in a secluded area among the rocks. They’re kissing like their lives depend on it. They’re wearing shorts and nothing else. Standing by the waterside they chase each other’s tongues, playing but for real. The game is an ancient one and the stakes are high. Any time someone can come down here and catch them. It’s unlikely, but it could happen. Then all would be over. Jesse would be shipped off to military school and Xander, well Xander might be noticed for once by his parents and not in a good way. They know what can happen, but the chance is slim and it’s hot outside. The wind is but a cool breeze that teases their skin making it even more sensitive to touch. Jesse holds onto Xander’s black curls and keeps their mouths fused together for as long as they can both stand it. Xander’s hands slowly make their way down a sun tanned back to cup two taunt buttocks dragging Jesse as close as he can. Two gasps are heard as crotch meets crotch and the fabric of their shorts creates a wonderful friction that just requires more. Now. They both need more, more kissing, more touching, more friction and more skin.

A flash of movement and Xander isn’t sure how it happens, but suddenly they’re both down in the sand. Jesse’s splayed out like an offering under Xander’s body, looking up with perfect trust and dilated pupils as Xander hovers over him on his knees, drinking in once more the sight of flawless golden skin, trailing his hands reverently over every visible inch. Trying to memorise every detail for future use in fantasy for the times when they cannot be together. His hands work their way to the front of Jesse’s shorts and he pauses there to stroke the very interesting bulge before shooting off a goofy smile and kissing the other boy with abandon. He continues to pepper kisses all over the other boy’s body until he reaches the edge of the shorts once more. He looks up to convey his intentions with his eyes and Jesse smiles down at him. It’s the first time they’re going to go this far. Before they have only done kissing and mutual hand jobs, but Xander wants more and he just knows that Jesse will taste so good there.

His hands lie flat on Jesse’s abs for a moment before he hooks his fingers under the shorts’ lining and works them down and under Jesse’s lifted hips. Having done this he eyes the prize in front of him. Jesse is cut which is different, but not bad different, there is just more of his him to see this way. Xander takes hold of the blood filled length and lowers his head to take his first tentative licks. Jesse tastes like salt and earth, like the rest of his skin, just more and Xander likes it. It’s not chocolate, but it’s Jesse and everything Jesse is just perfect to him. He starts to lick in earnest and grins when he hears Jesse’s whimpers and panting breaths. This was so freakin’ hot! He decides to do some more experimenting and puts the head of Jesse’s cock in his mouth. He sucks gently and is rewarded with a muffled scream. Poor Jesse, they couldn’t afford to be heard so he had to burry his head in his arm. Xander sucks some more and decides to take in a bigger part of the length, but not so much that he chokes. Carefully he moves in and sucks some more and wouldn’t you know, it’s like sucking on a Popsicle, only not cold but hot and Jesse and Jesse is hot.

Xander realizes that his brain is starting to turn into mush. He can’t make himself care though, only waves a lofty good bye at coherent thoughts and continues his ministrations. Soon he can hear Jesse’s panted out warning that he’s about to come, but he ignores it. After all, if you’re going to do something, you might as well do it right all the way and Xander wants to do this. He’s tasted come before, but never hot, directly from the tap sort of say and he briefly wonders if anyone ever thought about selling the stuff on tap and he knows that’s just silly, but he’s feeling silly and suddenly the balls that he’s been squeezing tighten up that bit more and Jesse is coming in his mouth and down his throat.

Xander’s thankful for his odd eating and drinking habits, he’s got practice at swallowing an excessive amount of fluid or food in record time and he almost manages to swallow every last bit of come. Some escapes and drops down his chin, but he licks it up and then licks Jesse too just for good measure. Satisfied with his work he pulls up Jesse’s shorts again while the other boy is still happily away in the lala land of post orgasmic bliss. Xander grins widely and slides up the still body to kiss once more and to share the taste that is pure Jesse. The sentiment is greatly appreciated and they soon loose themselves in kisses once more before Jesse flashes a mischievous grin and Xander suddenly finds himself flat on his back and receiving kisses and stroking and oh my god his first blow job ever and this he’s going to remember for the rest of his life, Jesse’s making sure of that. Xander looks up into the skies and thanks whatever gods are up there for this game that they let humans play to their hearts’ content. Oh god yes, turnabout is definitely fair play.
~

Xander stilled his fingers as the last note faded on the refrain.

“God I love you Jesse. I’m so sorry for what I had to do. I didn’t know any other way, baby. Please forgive me. Please be safe, wherever you are.”

He spoke as if Jesse was sitting right there with him. Feeling content at finally being able to express his sadness and regret out loud. He felt as someone was watching him, but it wasn’t a bad presence. He didn’t think it was Jesse, but that was okay. Jesse shouldn’t be on the Hellmouth. He should be in heaven where he belonged.

Smiling softly Xander ate a little before settling down once more to continue his private memorial service. This was the way that Jesse should be remembered –with songs and smiling because that’s the way he was in life, a song and a smile.




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