It's an Ache

A/N: Lyrics from Seether- Sold Me.



Part Two



Here I stand before myself,

I see something’s out of place

You tasted all my purity,

Now there’s nothing left to waste

The feeling gets so in my way,

It’s getting lost in my delivery

The feeling gets so in my way

I’m getting lost in your periphery.





“You were with this boy for only a month?” Ethan asked quietly, when William paused for a few moments, lost in thought. The white-blonde head shook impatiently, teeth scraping over a sullen bottom lip.



“Naw, it was just perfect for ‘bout a month. Course, at the time, thought it was all bloody perfect, I did. But lookin’ back, it’s easy to see where it all started changing.”



Dark brows came together over bright blue eyes, distant eyes lost in the past. “We lasted two more months after that. Last time I saw him was on September 4th, week before my senior year was supposed to start.”



Ethan glanced up, startled eyes blinking, mouth opening to interject a sudden sinking suspicion, but the boy continued quickly, as if reading his mind. Sinking back into his chair, he pushed aside the sudden uneasy feeling in the pit of his stomach and focused his attention on what William was saying.



***

And you sold me up the river again

(I don’t wanna be alone again)

And you made me start it over again

(I don’t wanna be alone again)

And you moved me, and you soothed me, and you fought me

(I don’t wanna be alone again)

And you left me wondering what the hell

What is wrong with me?



Know how it sounds. Three months, one single bleedin’ season. Know it shouldn’t have such an impact, still have the power to .. but it does.



Know what you’re thinkin’, can see it in your eyes. Summer romance, the one that got away.. romanticizin’ the past and making it impossible for anything real to measure up. Self protection, defense mechanism of a sort. What? You think I slept through those psychology classes I took that one semester?



Isn’t like that, though. Wish I could look at that time through rose colored glasses, I do. Don’t like remembering just how much of a bloody idiot I was.



Wasn’t like it was all roses one day and bad the next, but it wasn’t so gradual that I shouldn’t have noticed, either. All the danger signs were there, if I hadn’t been too young and inexperienced to see them.



Not sayin’ I woulda changed anything even if I had. Even if I coulda seen into the future durin’ those months, doubt I would have done anything different at the time. Never met anyone like him before, don’t spect I ever will again.



Walked into the room like he owned it and everyone in it, Angelus did. One smile and he could ask you to sign your soul over to the devil and even the most devout would beat each other bloody with their own bibles for the privilege to be first to follow him to hell.



‘M gettin’ all poncey and sod all but you get the picture.



Stop waxin’ poetic and get back on track, yeah?



Well, Mr. Harris, never was tight with the bloke. Distant, he was. Even to Xan, though they got along fine in the early part of the day. Round noon on, he got quieter and colder, downin’ drink after drink into the wee hours of the mornin’.



Impressed me, then. That he could hold his liquor so well. Never looked drunk, acted drunk, not like I was used to seein’. Course now, I see he was a soddin’ alcoholic, but at the time, seemed it went down like water.



He didn’t waver on his feet or slur like the men Da played poker with, just got cold and mean if you got in his way. Never connected the two but I should’ve. No, he was always polite to me, was Xander I saw run afoul of his tongue more’n once.



”What’s with your father?”



Big brown eyes with the hurt look of a kicked puppy turn his way, so much softer than his brother’s eyes, glimmer of tears shocking Will to his core. Xander was the sunniest, happiest person he knew.



He’s never seen him affected by anything negative.



“He didn’t mean it, he never does.” Narrow shoulders shrug as gangly arms and legs fold around each other, eyes turning to the closed door as they both wince at the loud yelling from within. Another new thing. William has never heard Angelus raise his voice. He’s never had to.



“He’s been like this as long as I can remember. Learned to stay out of his way, those evasive maneuvers I use when we play Risk were hard-earned, buddy,” he tries to grin, and it makes Will want to wrap him up and coddle him, that sun underneath the clouds light in his eyes.



“Liam says it started when we moved here from Ireland. That dad was different then but hated leaving, but mom couldn’t bear being away from her family.” Xander swallows, eyes darting to the door as the two other Harris men vie for who can yell loudest, voice low as if the words are being dragged from his very soul, full of pained truth.



“Wish he’d go back.”



Wasn’t the last time I got to see or hear Angelus run interference between them but it just made me love him more. Not much I could do, bein’ the gangly little twig I was then, too shy to say boo to a mouse, as they say, but try to distract Xan away from it all.



Much as Xander worshipped the ground his brother walked on, it was entirely mutual. Oh, they fought and bickered like you wouldn’t believe, but let something take a bit of the light from Xan’s eyes and whoever caused it better run for cover.



So seein’ as how he loved and protected him so much, it shoulda given me more pause when Angelus started growlin’ and complainin’ at how much of my time Xan took up. Me, I just felt on top of the world, that he wanted me around more, wanted me to make excuses and pull away from the only person close to me there. The few friends I’d made outside of Xan, I’d already brushed off to be with him.



Hell, I’d started avoidin’ Da and Mum’s calls cause they took up an hour or two I could try to sneak off to spend pinned under his body while those lips.. right, sorry. But he’d glower or tease me with long, heated looks while I was on the phone until I was dyin’ for him. Then he’d go off and leave me like that, for puttin’ him off until I was off the phone.



Saw it as a game, a tease, then. Didn’t realize till later he was successfully makin’ me pull away from the only contact I still had with m’parents.



I’d have done anything to keep that gleam of disappointment or frustration out of his eyes.



Gettin’ off track again, though. Wasn’t long after that first fight we heard that I caught the end of another one. Mr. Harris screamin’ at him that he wasn’t wasting all that money on him for him to waste his life playin’ music.



Angelus didn’t take that well, puttin’ it mildly. Got right irate. Yellin’ back that it was his damn life and that he only wanted him to become a lawyer ‘cause he’d never lived up to his own dreams. Got punched for that, heard it. Made my heart stop in my chest, it did, sickenin’ sound, that.



Don’t know what was said after, ‘cause I ran back to my room, but Angelus gave in for some reason. Went lookin’ for him in his room later that night, found him nursin’ a bottle of Jack, bloody split lip and all.



Little did I know then, would be rare to see him again without a bottle in his hand. He never picked up his guitar again, not that I saw, replaced it with whiskey, beer.



Bright blue eyes peek around the corner, timid knuckles tapping soft on the half open door until bleary dark eyes rimmed with smeared black eyeliner snap up, boring into him. There’s a glint, something dark and unfamiliar in the intense gaze, but when those devil lips curve, Will relaxes and smiles back.



Lips part to speak but Angelus jerks his head, motioning him inside, and he glances back. Quiet as usual, Xander and his mom sleeping, their dad in his office ‘working’. Slipping inside the dark bedroom, he silently pushes the door closed, taking the few steps to where the older boy is sitting on the edge of his bed.



Pulse thrums in his neck, fluttering in time with his nerves and the shortness of his breath, body always in fight or flight mode around Angelus purely from the adrenaline that rushes through him every time those black eyes pin him. Long talented fingers catch his hips and pull him in between hard muscled thighs, making Will gasp before he can smother the soft sound.



“Such a pretty boy… my boy. You are mine, aren’t you, William?”



He nods, swallowing hard as his breath pants out through parted lips, but Angelus shakes his head slowly. “Don’t think you are. Think you’ll be like this for anyone who looks twice at you. How bout it, baby? You bend over for any dick or just for mine?”



Face flaming, Will stutters, mind whirling at the sudden shift. “N-no.. yours, ju-just yours,” he finally manages, teeth burying into his bottom lip as he stares pleadingly into cool, dark eyes.



“Say it. Say you only want my dick.”



Eyes go wider, breath hitching in his throat as his cheeks flush even more, lips moving silently before managing to repeat the words back in a soft, strangled voice. “I.. I only want your dick.”



“Good boy,” Angelus murmurs, bringing a rush of warm pleasure down the back of Will’s neck, “now prove it. Show me how bad you want it.”



Hands tighten on slim hips and pull, William gasping as his knees hit the soft carpet and then gasping again, softer, as he realizes what the older boy wants. Trembling fingers hesitantly open the front of Angelus’ jeans as his soft eyes blink upwards, quick fingers plucking his glasses off his nose then settling into his soft curls.



Each unsure movement, hesitant touch, soft suck, brings moans and murmurs from the dark boy above him, Will’s heart racing, head spinning as he tries to please him, every growled out ‘Mine, Will, you’re mine,’ sending hot pulses of shuddering contentment straight through him. Everything in him needs that assurance, movements growing quicker and more confident as Angelus’ words settle him, balance him.





Was that night and after that he started wantin’ all of my time, could barely look at Xan without bein’ worried it would upset him. Loved it, though, that he needed me. Wanted me. Thought I would wanna spend any time with anyone else.



Then he started makin’ small suggestions, what he thought I looked best in, what I should eat for lunch, how I should do my hair. Of course, ponce that I was, I reveled in it. Each bit just showed me he was payin’ attention to me, saw me.



Wasn’t a week or two that I couldn’t make a decision on my own. Weak, I know. Was just a boy, though, and he engulfed me. Drowned me. I’d wake up and be unable to decide what to wear unless he’d told me the night before.



But I didn’t think anything of it.



Even after it turned to even smaller things, every movement I made having to have his approval, it was done so smoothly it took me years to even see it.



Sex changed, too. When I’d pleased him all day, sometimes it was tender, Christ that man could bring tears to my eyes with a touch when he wanted to. Slow and so fuckin’ good I’d be dizzy with tryin’ to hold back the sounds.



Or hot, fast and rough, until I couldn’t hold them back, his mouth sealin’ over mine to drown them out.



Back flat against the cold wall, slim hips arching up, up, legs wrapped tight around Angelus’ waist as his head falls back repeatedly into the wall. Sobbing breaths panting through flushed lips, begging silently, nails digging harsh into the broad shoulders blocking out the light.



Sweat slicked skin burning, sliding hot and sticky, desperate pounding of his heart.



If somethin’ hadn’t gone right, I’d misread him somehow or forgot and did somethin’ on my own, there would be games. Games I would always lose ‘cause the rules would never stay the same, games I was meant to lose. Then he’d whisper how disappointed he was, how no one would love me more than him ‘cause I was flawed, but if I stayed a good boy, he’d always take care of me.



“What happened to m’good boy? It’s not hard, Will. Not even trying, are you? That how much I mean to you? That you can’t even try to do what I ask? Know you aren’t the brightest but damn. Here, one more shot, okay? Think you can get it This time?"



I’d already be upset and fragile over whatever I’d done wrong ‘cause fuck I only wanted to please him, and each game just made me crumble more, dissolve what little self respect and confidence I’d had left.



Then he’d hold me while I cried and whisper how much he needed me, wanted me, how much he loved me and..



Somehow that just made it all hurt more. That I was so messed up but he loved me anyway. That even though I knew I didn’t deserve him, he wanted me. Me.



Christ, I was a wreck lookin’ back, but then? I’d never been so happy. Felt like someone had hollowed me out, took out all the bad and filled me up with sunlight. I was warm and light, walking on air when he was around and Jesus I worshipped him.



***



I never felt like I had felt

Until the day you came undone.

I never felt like I was lost

Until the day you killed me again.

The feeling gets so in my way

It’s getting lost in my delivery.

The feeling gets so in my way

I’m getting lost in your periphery.



Watching William get more and more agitated, the normally brash voice growing softer and smoother, the Will of old, Ethan actually felt relieved when the cadence of Spike returned when the young man heard his voice and grimaced. Never thought he’d be relieved over that but it had been painful watching the cocky, confident young man tremble and regress.



He knew they were nearing the crux of the whole sordid affair, so he bit back the desire to interrupt, make sure he was okay. William had to get past it, everything that had happened, bring it into the open so they could get to whatever had brought this on again.



So he could finally heal.



***

And you sold me up the river again

(I don’t wanna be alone again)

And you made me start it over again

(I don’t wanna be alone again)

And you moved me, and you soothed me, and you fought me

(I don’t wanna be alone again)

And you left me wondering what the hell

What is wrong with me?



It’s almost amusin’. After all the time I’ve spent tryin’ not to think about it all, that last day, it’s all clear in my mind. Cept what started the whole damn thing.



I can’t remember why he was pissed, what I’d done that time. I remember I didn’t think it was anything bad, that I knew what was comin’ and I was sulkin’ over it. Didn’t wanna play his damned games that night.



Felt I was in the right for once.



That, for once, maybe I didn’t deserve it.



He was never actually cruel, mind. He never came out and told me I was worthless, that I didn’t deserve him. As bloody blinded as I was, I still wouldn’t have let him do that. At least, I hope I wouldn’t have.



He just knew how to make me feel that way on my own, say just enough to make me think he was bein’ kind about not pointin’ out how very soddin’ stupid I was, how useless. Clumsy and good for nothin’.



So I ignored him, that day. Felt bloody good, too, though everything in me was strainin’ towards him, wantin’ nothin’ more than for him to touch me, smile.



Just made him more and more livid, quieter, colder.



Anyway, that night. I won’t go into details, Doc, I know it’s a little odd for you bein’ so tight with Da and all.



It wasn’t rape.



I wanna make that clear. Don’t think it would even be possible, he came into a room and every cell in my body screamed for him. No matter how ticked he was or how I felt, wasn’t a part of me that could say no to him.



Alright, that’s a lie.



I did say no, but not like that. Told him I didn’t wanna play his soddin’ games. Just flat out, like. Was right proud, at the time, voice all whispery and wavering, but I’d said it.



Looked like I’d hit him, then his face went all shut down, blank. Stumbled over my tongue to apologize, tell him I didn’t mean it. Yeah, spine of mine lasted all of half a soddin’ minute.



Sharp shake of his head, Angelus brushing his stuttering words away. Rough hands grabbing at his hips, tossing him onto the bed.



Clothes pulled, pushed away and off, Will struggling to turn, to touch and offer himself, show him he hadn’t meant it, would do anything he wanted, anything, always, never do it again, but he’s pinned under him, nothing but cold silence behind him.



Voice eventually fades when he gets no reply, coldness seeping into him as Angelus’ hands grip at his hips, touching him nowhere else, no words, no touches, just the hard pressure of his cock pressing in. Steady driving thrusts, not the roughest they’ve been by any means, not hurting, just mechanical. Pumping of hips behind him, drag of Angelus inside, but he felt nothing.



Was nothing.



He doesn’t notice the tears streaming down his face, the choked sobs, until the older boy comes deep in his body, still silent. Then harsh sobbing breaths shake slim shoulders, burying the raw, miserable sounds in the mattress. Nothing like before, never been like that.



Warm fingertips brush over his forehead, the tender touch so unexpected he flinches, wounded cry coming from his throat, and the hand gets snatched away.



Eerie silence, a harsh rasping breath, smell of liquor heavy in the air. Then nothing.



Quick in and out, cold like. Then he was gone.



It’d never been like that, sex. We’d been rough, tender, playful.. while his games were twisted, sure, they were still full of pleasure. This?



This was a punishment. Impersonal, meeting of needs, like I was a soddin’ stranger. A hole in the wall he could use to get off. Used, that’s the word. Everything we’d done, I’d never felt ashamed, not of us. Of things I’d done, cause I wasn’t good enough, but never the things we did.



But I felt sick that night, used. Ashamed.



Woulda gotten over it, woulda been fine. Don’t look at me like that, you don’t know.



Can’t understand what it was like to wake up the next mornin’, after cryin’ myself hoarse, to find him gone. Back to school early, Xander said. Some lame excuse I can’t remember anymore.



Numb. I couldn’t breathe, had to sit through breakfast bitin’ myself bloody so I wouldn’t scream, wouldn’t fall apart.



Was all my fault, if only I’d..



I mean, you’d think good riddance, right? Bloke’d taken over my life, played me like a puppet and left.



But he’d taken my life. It went with him. He was everything, I couldn’t even see the next day without him, never mind my whole life.



Was all tangled up in him, till the very thought of not seein’ him, havin’ him there petrified me. I can’t remember leavin’ the US. I remember bein’ home, lockin’ everyone out, frozen deep inside myself.



After that first day, never cried. Couldn’t. Wasn’t enough left in me to summon up the energy to cry. I ate, I walked and talked but I wasn’t there. Wasn’t alive.



Then a year to the day he walked out, it all sank in. Ice melted and fuck was I drownin’ in the pain of feelin’again. Couldn’t take it.



Year to the day, bottle of pills and a knife.



I tried to end it all.



Are you stronger

For cutting me open?

Are you stronger

For leaving me broken?