A Gift from Evan

"Seven?" the bartender yells.

"You afraid you're gonna run out?"

"You're way too young to be drinking this much. You having woman troubles?"

I look at him like he's got a few seconds to back-track before I sock him.

"It's just that I saw you come in earlier with the blonde," he points out. "She's cute."

Does my 'shut the fuck up before I kill you' stare not work these days? Oh. Apparently it does, because he's backing away from me and going to serve someone else... And yes, the blonde he's referring to is Buffy. Though I dunno if I would call what was going on 'woman troubles' considering what happened the morning after that....

~ Nine days earlier ~

My bedside alarm clock buzzes. I pick the stupid thing up and hurl it across the room, but it's done now - I'm up! I wake up and my eyes are all groggy. I feel a little different too. I remember all the stuff that happened last night and unless I drank too much and am mixing weird dreams with reality; a funky-smelling hobo was in my room last night promising me Buffy...

You're right, it must have been a dream. Though if it was, that was my first one that didn't have no floating bananas in it… I really need my head checked.

I walk to the bathroom all sleepy and turn on the shower. Normal. Go to the mirror area and pick up my toothbrush. Normal. Look in the mirror and see… What's his name?.. The lead guy in the 'Fast and the Furious' staring back at me. Norma...Wait... Something isn't right. That last bit.

I look up into the mirror and instead of seeing my brown eyes and long brown hair... I see blue eyes and short blonde hair. What the fuck? I turn on the faucet, grab a whole loada water and pour it onto my face. I scrub it hard and look up again. Nope, still there! I touch my face and the guy in the mirror touches his face too. So I scream like a little girl but what comes out isn't a little girl shriek, it's a guy shriek.

I'm a guy. I'm a guy?!!!

"Oh hell no. Cloud! Get your ass here now, you sick fuck! I DID NOT sign on for this. Cloud! Cloud!"

I check the mirror again. Holy crap. I'm a man... I'm a man? I look down and check the goods. Yep, I'm definitely a man. A very, very gifted man… So not the point. I don't like this, not one fucking bit… But what’re you gonna do? I run over last night’s events.

‘When you wake up tomorrow, you will possess all of the qualities that Buffy looks for in a lover...Well for ten days.'

I'm stuck like this for ten freakin' days!

I look at myself again, slower this time mulling over every new hair and my lack of dimples. This is so weird. I look exactly like... Paul DiCaprio? No, that's Leonardo DiCaprio.. Paul...
Er Faith, not the issue!
Though, this is kinda every girl's fantasy; to be able to spend a few days as a guy, see what it's like... Okay, reality check! This is just crazy and y'know it's all because of Buffy. Damn her! Yeah, that's right, I said damn her. Damn her stupid, long, gorgeous hair and sexy hazel eyes and her sexy smile and her hot, hot little body...

That's when it happens. I feel this throbbing pain and it almost floors me. It hurts like hell and it's coming from down there... No lower down. I look out and see... Fuck me. I'm back to the little girl shrieks. That's gotta be at least ten inches!
Then the worst thing that could happen does; there's a knock at the door. Shit! I can't answer the door with a huge hard on, the person's gonna freak.

"C'mon little one," I say like it's got a mind of its own. "Down boy."

Nothing.

Okay, thinking of B got me in this mess, so I'll think of an anti-B... Er.. Giles in a G-string... Crap, the pain got stronger! The pain got stronger? Oh, fuck, er... Grandpa Joe. And it stops... Huh, I have a thing for Giles? I grab a towel and cover my... is it a manhood if technically, I aint a man?

I go to answer the door and stop when I hear her,

"Faith, it's me."

Oh, shit! I forgot that I'm supposed to walk Buffy to college. I can't let her see me like this!

"Faith, open up," she calls again. "I know you're in there; I heard you. Look, if it's about what happened last night, it's already forgotten. I won’t talk about it if you don't."

She thinks I'm hiding because I'm embarrassed? Please! I don't get embarrassed. I'm so over last night, it's just that-

"Faith, I'm not leaving until you talk to me."

God, she's desperate. I fling open the door.

"Buffy-"

"Oh," she replies. She looks at me strange. "Have we met?"

No, moron! -Me, not her- So, why d'ya say her name?

"I'm-"

She cuts me off, looking sheepish. "I'm sorry, I didn't know Faith had company."

She thinks I'm sleeping with me.
"No. No. I'm not company. I'm-" Okay, how can I say this so it doesn't sound nuts?

Here goes:

"Buffy, it's me Faith. I made a deal with this stoned hobo and he turned me into a man!"

"What!?!?" she screams. She pulls out a stake and sticks it into my heart with an, "Eat this, ya big freak!"

Ok, so that didn't actually happen. But it will if I tell her. And actually, this only has to go on for another ten days, right? It's what Cloud said, right? He'll make me what Buffy wants for ten days.

I thought Buffy liked brunettes.

Okay, now I've been silent for about a half a minute and I was in the middle of saying something. She must think I'm a real psycho especially since she doesn't know the new me and I called her by her name. I look pensive.

"Faith, told me you would stop by," I eventually say. Go me!

"Oh," she says again. "Is she here?"

"She's outta town," I quip back. "She said to tell you that it so has nothing to do with last night. She's so not embarrassed, she just... had a family emergency."

"It's not like Faith to just take off," she says. It so is like me to just take off! I'm hot like that! "Did she say when she'll be back?"

"In about ten days," I say. Clever, huh? "But I'll tell her that you're asking about her."

"Thanks," she says with this gorgeous half-smile. "Are you looking after the place while she's not here?"

"Yeah."

"Oh. Have you known Faith long?" She's engaging? Why? I'm a stranger. Tut, tut, B. I'm sure Mrs. S. told you never to talk to strangers. She's so interested.

"Forever," I answer. "I'm her... cousin." Why the pause?! But I had to say something. If I said that I was a friend, she'd have thought that I was boning me.

"Faith never mentioned she had a cousin visiting."

"I'll have to talk to her about that," I say back.

She nods with that smile again. I'm in love... She looks so amazing, with her hair all down and the low cut red top... Oh shit! Grandpa Joe. Grandpa Joe.

"Okay, well it was nice meeting you..." She adds, giving me time to fill in the blank.

Oh, like it wasn't hard enough coming up with a back story, now you want me to come up with a name? Har..oma..nes.. Haromanes? What the fuck? I need time... I break out into a cough. Just like that, a random cough. But it's buying me time 'cause she's looking for something in her book bag.

"Here," she says, handing me a bottle of water. I take a sip and read the label. I clear my throat. "Thanks," I tell her handing it back. "I'm Ev-an," I say, repeating, "Evan. And the pleasure was all mine, Buffy." The pleasure was all mine? SO lame. But it worked, 'cause she's beaming.

"I hope I see you around," B says.

"Count on it," I say back, smiling back at her. And she leaves.

I lean back on the door and listen to her footsteps. Maybe this wont be so bad after all...

TBC...