Healing

Part 2

Xander woke up to the sound of muffled cries. He sat up and looked around his room before he cleared the fog from his sleep addled brain and realized the sounds were coming from the living room. Shit! Spike! Xander leapt out of bed and ran into the other room. Spike was curled up in a ball on the sofa shaking and crying. Xander approached him cautiously. He touched Spike very gently on the shoulder.

"Spike? You alright? It's gonna be okay, you're safe here. I'm here and I won't let anyone hurt you. Not ever again. I promise. I'm going to protect you, keep you safe. Come on, Spike, look at me. See that it's me; Xander. I won't hurt you."

Spike was locked in a nightmare, one that wouldn't stop even after he'd woken up. He kept replaying the event over and over. The feeling of utter helplessness, the pain of being violated, the humiliation, the fear, the panic, he couldn't dig himself out of the memory. He heard someone approaching him; felt a warm hand on his shoulder. He froze, in his mind it was one of them, they were going to take him again. He heard the sound of a voice; a calm, soothing voice. Gradually he made out the words. '..protect you, keep you safe. Come on, Spike look at me. See that it's me; Xander. I won't hurt you.' Spike opened his eyes and lifted his head. He saw Xander crouched on the floor in front of him, a look of caring on his face. Spike sighed in relief and launched himself at the man in front of him. Xander caught Spike and held him close. He rocked him slowly just rubbing his hand along his back in a comforting manner. After a few minutes he stood up and picked up the still shaken vampire and carried him into his bedroom.

Xander set Spike down on the bed. He scooted him over to the far side and then climbed in after him. He opened his arms and wasn't surprised when Spike practically leapt back into them.

"I'm sorry, I shouldn't have left you alone. I should have known better. It's horrible having no one to comfort you afterwards. Forgive me? I won't leave you alone again. I promise."

"Xander I'm sorry, I..."

"No, Spike. You don't need to apologise for anything. Just try to get some sleep, I'll be right here, I won't let anyone hurt you, I promise."

Spike drifted off to sleep in the comforting embrace of the warm body beside him. He slept without nightmares for the rest of the night and next morning. He woke before Xander, still held by strong, warm arms; his head lying on Xander’s chest, listening to the rhythmic sound of his heart beating. Feeling somewhat embarrassed by his emotional outburst the night before, he considered slipping out of bed and leaving. But when he thought about leaving, he remembered why he was there in the first place and decided to stay. Something Xander had said last night popped into his head, two of them got away. What had happened to the rest then?


~FLASHBACK~

He remembered the attack, the drunken boys took turns kicking and punching him. Then one of them commented on how pretty he looked, almost feminine. The next thing he knew, they were tearing at his clothes, he tried to fight back but the damn chip kept frying his brain. They raped him, all of them. He was praying to a God he didn't believe in that they would leave him alone now that they'd each had a go at him. But apparently he was too good a shag not to have another go. That's when they started double teaming him. Hard cock in his ass, tearing him up, another in his mouth, forcing its way into his throat. The others holding him down, cheering the other two on. And then nothing. No one holding him down, no one violating his body. He could hear shouting, flesh hitting flesh, the sounds of pained moans that weren't coming from him. Someone had found him, saved him. He heard a gunshot, smelled the gunpowder, the blood. Then he blacked out. When he came to, Xander was there, talking to him and pulling him toward someone. He heard him say 'chow down' and saw the face of one of his attackers. He sank his fangs into the dead boy and drank. Then Xander was helping him to his feet and they were leaving. He saw bodies strewn about in the grass, heard the predators approaching. It was okay though cause Xander was there, and they were leaving.

~END FLASHBACK~

Dead, one of them was definitely dead. The others? If they weren't when they left, they were now. The scent of blood in the air would draw the baddies very quickly. He sensed them approaching as they were leaving.

They left. Xander, the slayers 'White Knight' had left humans in the park, knowing that they would die, to get him to safety. Xander's shirt was covered in blood, not his though. Why then?

"Bloody fucking hell! The boy had killed. He killed that other boy and fed him to me afterwards!"

Spike was beginning to see a whole new side of Alexander Harris. Not the Zeppo, Do-nut boy, Demon Magnet, or White Knight, he was already familiar with, he was starting to see the real man behind the masks. The man who knew just how to make a rape victim feel clean again, how to approach someone like they were a wounded animal, which is exactly how he had felt last night. Xander hadn't badgered him to talk about it, had given him strong whiskey, let him smoke his lungs black, and then asked him to stay. He even did that without taking Spike's dignity, saying that he would feel better if Spike stayed, as if Spike were doing him a favour by not leaving. And after waking up trapped in a nightmare, Xander had held him. He offered him comfort and protection, even going so far as to share his bed holding him all night long to make him feel secure.

Spike knew there was a story behind that. First hand experience, he was willing to bet his un-life on it. How much more was there about Xander that he didn't know? He wanted to find out. He wanted to get to know the boy... No, man, that had saved him, killed for him, and comforted him. Spike had never had a friend before, not unless he counted Thomas, and he was William's friend, and they were just lads. Since his turning he'd had lovers, minions, slaves, pets and enemies. He'd never had a friend, not until now.

Xander woke up to a cool body nestled in his arms. It felt nice to have someone beside him when he woke up again. He always hated being alone. He wrapped his arms a little tighter around Spike and dropped a kiss to the top of the vampires head.

"You awake?"

"Yeah."

"Good, cause I gotta get up. Nature calls."

"'Kay."

Spike slid off Xander’s chest and watched as the man got up and shuffled out of the room toward the bathroom. He reached up and touched the top of his head where Xander had kissed him. Strange, he didn't think Xander would ever willingly kiss a vampire, especially him. Even if it was just a peck on the top of his head. It was nice though, it felt good to have someone touch him who wasn't trying to hurt him. It had been so long he'd almost forgotten how nice it was.

Xander flushed the toilet and washed his hands, he looked into the mirror and studied his reflection. He took note of the dark circles under his eyes and the slightly greyish tinge to his skin.

"Nope, I don't look any different. Hung over yeah, but that's not new. Funny, I thought I'd be able to see it somehow. I mean I don't look like someone who shot and killed a man. I don't look like someone who left four others to become vampire snacks either. Hmm."

Xander shrugged his shoulders and shuffled his way back to bed. He climbed back into bed and rolled on his side to face Spike. Spike was lying on his back with his eyes closed. He could feel Xander looking at him, he startled when he felt warm hands pull him against a warm chest. This was nice, he could get used to being held, even if it did make him a ponce like Angel.

Xander watched Spike for about thirty seconds before deciding 'the hell with it' and pulling him close. He rolled Spike onto his side and pulled his back up against his chest. He draped his arm over Spikes chest and held him. He missed this; Saturday mornings lounging in bed. Snuggling in the blankets and dozing off to sleep. He was glad Spike didn't protest to this. He wasn't sure how the vampire would react this morning. His 'Big Bad' cover being blown to shit when he broke down and cried in Xander's arms last night.

Xander figured if Spike was anything like he was, he needed to be touched, held in a comforting way, by some one he could trust. For Xander it had been Jesse, and after his death he had really missed that. Willow never knew what happened to him, no one did. Jesse had found out on his own one night when he had stayed over and Xander’s dad was so drunk he didn't realize that Jesse was there. Xander begged Jesse to keep his secret. He was so ashamed and embarrassed, Jesse promised he wouldn't tell, and he never did. No one knew his secret, until last night. He suspected that Spike had figured it out by now. How else would he have known what to do for Spike?

Eventually, both Spike and Xander drifted back to sleep. When they woke again it was the middle of the afternoon. Xander was still curled around Spike and Spike was still enjoying the closeness. Unfortunately, as Xander stretched behind Spike his 'morning' erection brushed against Spikes ass. The vampire whimpered and froze up. Xander realized what happened and jumped away from him.

"Oh, shit. Spike I'm so sorry man. It's not like that. It's just morning wood. You know, all guys wake up that way. I didn't think, fuck! I didn't mean... I don't want... Damn, I'm sorry."

Spike felt stupid. He should have realized that was all it was, hell he had been human, he knew about 'morning wood', vampires didn't have that problem though, so it didn't occur to him. He knew Xander wouldn't do that to him, but he couldn't help his reaction.

"S'okay, just surprised me. I forgot how the human male body works in the morning, s'been a while since I was a human male. Didn't mean to freak out, pet. I'm okay, you didn't do anything wrong."

Actually, right up until then he had done everything right. He made Spike feel better about himself. That he wasn't used and dirty, that he was worthy of caring and affection. And then one little misunderstanding and he'd made Xander feel like a pervert. Fuck!

"Can we pretend that didn't happen? That I didn't just traumatise you? Please?"

"No, we can't. Look Xander, I don't want to talk about it, you know what happened. I have to deal with it. I'd rather deal with it here, with you, if that's okay. And the fact is, your a man, and therefore you are going to wake up hard in the morning. If I get all weepy and crawl into yer bed to be held again, I'm going to have to face the fact that I might wake up with a hard on resting against me. I know you won't hurt me. So I'll get over it. Okay?"

"Okay. I take it that vampires don't get morning wood?"

"Vampires and wood don't mix pet. Thought you had that figured out."

"Very funny Spike, you know what I meant."

"Yeah, I know. No, we don't have that problem. We get hard from feeding and fighting. Not waking up."

Long pause

"You want coffee? I don't have any blood here, I'll go out for some after I eat though."

"Thanks pet, coffee sounds good."

Part 3

Xander wondered how much of last night had made sense to Spike. He was pretty out of it when he had dressed him and dragged him home. Did he remember feeding from that boy? Did he realize that Xander had killed him, or that he left the others to die? Hell, the one could have gotten away but he'd hit him again just to make sure he wouldn't. He had, in effect, killed five people last night. No, not people. Monsters. They may have been human, may have had souls, but they were still monsters. What they did to Spike, it was the act of monsters, not people.

By the time Xander got back to the apartment - blood, cigarettes, a couple bottles of Jack Daniels, a pair of jeans and a T-shirt for Spike in tow - Spike had come to a decision regarding the events of the previous night. True, he had told Xander that he didn't want to talk about it, and he didn't. Not about what had happened to him at least. He needed to know why Xander had helped him, why he killed that boy and if he was okay with that. Spike had no problem with the lot of them being dead, but Xander was human, and as such he should be feeling some guilt over killing another person. Even if the other person - or people as the others were surely killed after they had left - was a worthless piece of shit.

As he entered his apartment and set the bags down in the kitchen, Xander could feel Spike watching him. He knew that whether he wanted to or not he was going to have to discuss last night with Spike. It would be awkward, uncomfortable and possibly messy. That was why he had purchased the JD, hopefully enough to block out the entire conversation once it was finished. He had killed. He had killed to protect Spike. Hell, for all he knew that could mean they were engaged in the vampire world. The thought made him snicker.

"What's so funny luv?"

"Nothing. Just something that popped into my head."

"Well, I for one could use a laugh, so share."

"I was wondering if we were engaged now."

Spike stood in opened mouth shock. He hadn't expected that. Of all the things Xander could have said, he never expected that. Xander looked over at the gaping vampire and stifled another laugh. He figured an explanation was in order.

"I-I was thinking about last night. The things I did, you know, to those guys. Spike, I don't know how much you remember about afterwards, but I...I shot and killed that guy, the others, I left them in the park to be vamp-chow. Two of them got away, but the other four are most likely dead, and that's because of me."

Xander held up a hand as Spike opened his mouth to interrupt.

"Wait. Let me finish. I killed that boy because there was a gun and he would have fired it, but he was wasted Spike, the likelihood of him killing me, well I doubt he could have hit a barn with an elephant. I am responsible for the death of five so-called human beings... and I don't regret it. Hell, I fed one of them to you! That's why I was laughing. I wondered if that meant anything in the vamp world. Killing for someone, and feeding them that is."

It was Spike's turn to speak, but he didn't know what to say. Yeah, killing for someone definitely meant something in the vampire community. You only killed for your Master, your Sire, your Childer, or your Mate. Anyone else didn't matter. Xander had killed for him. He could have left him there at the mercy of those assholes, hell, he could have beaten them just enough to run them off, but he didn't. He knocked them out cold and left them to die at the hands of demons. And he knew that they would die. Yeah, that meant something all right. But what? What exactly did it mean? What did he want it to mean?

"Well, if you were a vampire, it would mean you were either my Sire, my Master, or my Childe. Vamps don't go around protecting each other unless they're close. Family close. The only other thing a vampire will kill for is it's Mate. They aren't always vampires, but most of the time they are. Since you're human, it doesn't have to mean anything. I'd like it if it meant we were friends."

"Friends sounds good, Spike. I don't have many of those."

"Me neither mate, me neither."

The rest of the afternoon passed with the two of them watching TV and talking about random things. Neither one mentioned anything having to do with the rape or the shooting. Spike had showered and put on the new clothes - not a bad fit either - and headed back to the living room.

"Oh good they fit. I wasn't sure about your size so I took a guess."

"They're fine pet, thanks. Uh, what happened to what I was wearing?"

"I threw everything out. Your clothes, my shirt, they were wrecked. I ah, put the stuff from your pants pockets on my dresser."

"Oh, thanks."

Spike sat in silence as Xander got up and went to the bathroom to shower. He hadn't remembered his clothes being torn, he didn't remember a lot of the little details of last night. Xander must've redressed him before bringing him here, he remembered Xander undressing him in the bathroom, and wasn't that just peachy! A Master vampire being bathed by a human, being coddled and soothed by a human because humans had raped him. Because humans had raped him!

Spikes eyes flashed yellow, he felt his fangs elongate and his brow crinkle with ridges. He was enraged; he blamed the Initiative for crippling him, for leaving him defenceless and weak. He hated the whole human race! Except of course for Xander. He couldn't hate him. He was his friend; his friend who killed for him, who saved him and said he would protect him. Spike didn't want to need protection. He was a predator damn it, not prey! But thanks to a bunch of lousy military doctors he was helpless. Dependant on his food to care for him. If he ever got the chip out, he would exist on a diet of camouflaged army boys! He'd eat the whole fucking military, one by one, until he was sure that every last one of them who were responsible were dead.

By the time Xander came back into the living room all showered and dressed, Spike was pacing the room, game-faced and snarling. Xander took one look at him and stopped in his tracks. He knew Spike wasn't himself right now and didn't want to provoke the demon.

Spike spun around and saw Xander watching him. He knew how he must look, angry, unthinking, ready to kill. He expected to smell fear from Xander, but he didn't. Xander looked as though he was just waiting for Spike to calm himself, not scared at all. He stepped closer to him, the demon wanting to scare him, just a little. Spike stopped directly in front of Xander, so close he could feel the boys breath on his face. Still no fear.

Xander watched Spike stalk closer, he saw the predatory movements and knew that he should be afraid, even with the chip, Spike was still dangerous; he was a demon. But Xander knew that Spike wouldn't hurt him, so he waited to see what he was going to do. When Spike stopped in front of him and just stood there, staring into his eyes, still growling softly, Xander did the only thing he could think of. He reached up and petted his face.

As Xander ran his fingertips lightly across Spikes rigid brow the vampire started to calm. The demon retreated as the smooth planes of his human face fell back into place. Xander continued to touch Spikes face, running his index finger over the sharp cheek bones, across the full bottom lip and then down his throat until he rested his hand on Spikes shoulder.

"Spike? You alright?"

"Yeah, sorry 'bout that pet, got a bit worked up, I did."

"Hey, no worries. It's bound to happen. It's almost dark, we can patrol if you want, beat up some demons."

"Sounds good, just..."

"What is it Spike?"

"Not in the park hey?"

"No! I mean, I wouldn't take you there. Never."

"I know, sorry."

"Don't be. We should check in with Giles first, see if there's anything big that needs our attention. If not we'll go out on our own, deal?"

"Deal."

The walk to the magic box was made in silence, Spike was looking around studying every face they passed, making sure that none of them belonged to the men who had hurt him. Xander noticed Spike's odd behaviour but didn't call him on it. By the time they reached the shop, Xander was concerned and Spike was, for lack of a better word, nervous.

Once inside, Spike visibly relaxed but never strayed too far from Xander. Xander took it as a compliment, he made Spike feel safe. Him, Xander Harris, the Zeppo, the do-nut boy, made a Master vampire feel safe. It was a nice feeling, being the protector rather than the protected.

Buffy and the witches showed up a few minutes later. Giles filled them in on an attack in the park the night before.

"It seems that four young men were drained by vampires, another one had a bite mark in his neck but the cause of his death has been ruled as a fatal gunshot wound."

"Five bodies? Must be a gang of vamps."

"Yes well, perhaps you should keep an extra close eye on the park during patrol for a while."

"Hey, G-man. Did the cops find the weapon? 'Cause I'm guessing that most vamps won't have their prints on file."

Spike noticed how Xander had tensed at the mention of the gunshot. He hadn't even thought about the possibility of Xander being charged for shooting the boy. If the weapon was in evidence, Xander would be in a lot of trouble.

"No, as far as I have been able to ascertain the gun wasn't found at the crime scene."

"Oh, okay then. I guess we should head out."

"Buffy, you and Spike should patrol the park as well as the cemeteries on the west side, Xander and the girls, erm, Willow and Tara that is can take the cemeteries over on the east side."

"No!"

"Xander?"

"Uh, Sorry. But uh, wouldn't it be safer if we split up Buffy and Spike? Just because the vamps were in the park last night doesn't guarantee they'll hit the same spot again. I don't want to run into an angry vampire mob without some supernatural strength to depend on. No offence girls."

"I suppose you're right..."

"Great! I'll take fangless and head over to the east side, Buffy and the Wicca duo can take the west end of town. See ya!"

Xander practically dragged Spike out of the shop. Once they were far enough away he stopped and pulled Spike into an alley.

"You okay? You looked kinda shook up back there."

"I'm fine, pet. Thanks for getting me out of patrolling with Slutty. Your mates probably think your going crazy or something though, dragging me out of there and all."

"Kinda obvious huh?"

"Just a bit. Lets get on with this then eh? I could use a spot of violence."