Helpless

Title: Helpless
Part: 2/?
Author: My Reality Girl aka Jessie
Pairing: W/S
Rating: NC17
Warning: Deals with rape
Disclaimer: Not mine never was - just borrowing them for a while!
Feedback: I live for it! Email me at myrealitygirl@yahoo.com
Note: This is A LOT different from what I normally write - if you think I didn’t’t pull it off let me know! - I set myself a challenge, the question was “why would Spike shave his head?” obviously inspired by James Marsters recent radical new look. I wanted to see if I could write one funny and one sad fic - with that question in mind. Here’s the sad one - anyone else want to give it a try?
Song: Leave right now by Will Young
Website: where all my fic lives! http://www.freewebs.com/myrealitygirl/

Part two

Willow sat on her bed, the need for sleep long since gone - the stillness of the house seemed to hum with sadness - she could hear Spike moving around restlessly in his bed next door.

< I can’t believe this is happening! How the hell did he find himself in that situation - he’s usually so focused, so alert to his surroundings. Did he stake someone they knew? Piss them off? (He is GOOD at that), owe them kittens? WHAT? What the hell could have made those THINGS attack him? >

Her brain was buzzing with unanswered questions, she knew the answers lay only feet away - but it may have well been a million miles. She’d never get the courage to ask him outright.

< Like you could stand hearing it. Just try to get through tonight, tomorrow can look after itself >

A short cry had her snapping out of her thoughts, she listened closely. Suddenly a pitiful cry seemed to fill the house, like an animal in pain, it reached into the blackness seeking help.

Jumping to her feet she ran, upon entering Spike’s room she saw him thrashing around on the bed, in the moonlight sneaking through the partially opened curtain, she could see tears - wet - on his pale, hollow cheeks.

Willow stood in the doorway, nibbling her lip as she wondered how SHE could help him. Watching his body writhe and curl on the bed made her want to weep - he looked so scared, so hurt.

Spike’s hands twisted into the sheets beneath him, his nails sinking deep into his own palms. Before she could even think to stop herself, she crossed the room, intending to ease his hand open and save his already tortured skin.

As soon as their skin connected Spike twisted around and flinging out his arm hit Willow square in the jaw, as he screamed “NO” - Willow’s head snapped back with the force of the blow and she stumbled falling to the floor, Spike curled in to a ball and began to whimper - slowly coming awake.

Willow - who was getting to her feet, pressed her hand to her face - pain ricocheting through her head, heard a small uncertain voice ask.

“Willow?”

“Yeah - it’s just me. Go back to sleep Spike”

“What you doing in here Red?”

“I heard you calling” she answered simply, not mentioning the punch that was still making her see stars.

< Why upset him even more - he already feels like shit, no point me sniping about him doing something he can’t even remember >

“I’m sorry I disturbed you” his voice odd, stilted. Like a child saying sorry for breaking a toy, you know their actions have hurt them more than it hurt you - but they feel they had to say it anyway.

“I wasn’t sleeping. You want anything? A drink?” as she moved towards the door, to gladly introduce her jaw to an ice pack. Spike’s voice - spoken softly - reached out to her in the darkness.

“Don’t go”

“Okay” Willow told him, slightly worried at his tone - or maybe it was the lack of one that worried her even more. Standing next to the bed, she looked down at it and stood there uncertainly.

“Could you sit a while?” the voice was so quiet that Willow wasn’t sure she had heard him correctly.

“You want me to stay?”

“It’s okay. You don’t have to, you must be tired - what with me hammering your door down and all” the voice was low - and Willow watched with a gnawing feeling in her stomach as he turned on his side and seemed to curl into himself.

Looking down at him for a moment, she knew in her heart she couldn’t just walk away and leave. Summoning every bit of courage and nerve she had - and praying to the goddess’s for strength - she slid into the bed next to him.

< You can do this Willow, it’s just giving comfort to another human being - er okay vampire - but he still needs comfort after what he’s been through. You can identify with that. Can’t you. >

Spike stilled as her felt the bed dip, then turning he smiled a little “Thanks”

“It’s okay” Willow made sure her sore and throbbing cheek was tight against the pillow, out of sight.

Spike turned and looked at her in the half-light, his face cast in shadows “Sorry I laid all this on your doorstep”

“I already told you. It’s okay. I did wonder though - were you nearby? Is that why you came here Instead of Giles’s?” stumbling only a little over her words, trying hard to ignore how close to her he was.

Looking in to her trusting green eyes, he sighed.

< What the hell do I tell her? The truth? Oh, I can just see that - it would go down like a lead balloon! -
‘I came here Pet cos those guys who were raping me - told me they’d sent some goons to get you! And while they were fucking me - kept telling me, over and over, they were doing the same to you’ - Yeah can just imagine her reaction to that! >

“Only person I could think of” he told her finally, deciding it was a close to the truth as he could get.

< Not really a lie - needed to know she was okay, that they’d lied and those sick bastards hadn’t got her too. Knowing I had to find out if she was okay was the only thing that kept me together kept me alive -as it were >

“Oh”

The silence grew between them, Spike shifted slightly and Willow froze as she felt his arm brush her stomach.

< Your okay Willow - he won’t hurt you remember, He’s just been beaten and abused - calm down. He just needs some comfort >

Lying there, Spike felt her stiffen as they touched and frowned.

< What’s up with her? She’s like a statue. Oh shit - I repulse her! PILLOCK! Should have known. Get away from her you idiot - she doesn’t want you touching her - she’s too good, too pure to have your foulness near. I disgust myself god only knows what she must be thinking! >

“Sorry” Spike mumbled, pulling his arms close to his chest - Moving further away from her.

“What? - Why?”

“Touched you. Shouldn’t have. Not clean am I pet” his voice bland and silk soft.

Willow sucked in a deep breath and gathering every bit of courage she could muster, she reached out and taking Spike’s cold hand in her own - that was only shaking slightly, drew it across her stomach, linking their fingers together loosely.

“Your anything but Spike. You’re a victim in all this and there’s no shame in that.” Willow told him - she heard him suck in a deep, un-needed, breath before he spoke.

“Plenty of shame Pet. I’ve only ever been a victim once before and that was the night Dru turned me”

“Why you though Spike? Why did those vamps attack you?”

Closing his eyes, Spike knew he could never let her know why - he decided his only course of action was to make no comment on her question and change the subject.

“Got any clippers?”

“Huh?” frowning at the sudden switch in conversation.

“Clippers? - For cutting hair? I want it all cut off” he explained, not looking at her and running a cut hand through his blonde locks.

Willow looked over at him - her eyes straying to his golden crown, which seemed to glow in the moonlight.

“Why? You’ve got nice hair?” She reached a hand out to touch it, when she suddenly caught what she was doing and snatched it back.

“Want to change it - need to. So you got any clippers or not?” his voice suddenly hard and guarded.

Willow could here the defiant tone in his voice “My dad. He’s got some. If your sure?”

“I’m sure - would you do it?”

< I can still feel that bastard touching me - still smell his cum all around me - got to get rid of it >

“ME! But I’ve never …”

“Don’t have to be Vidal bloody Sassoon Pet! Just want it gone”

“I could try”

“Good enough for me. You sleepy?”

< Please say no - please Willow, I need it gone now >

“Not really why?”

“Want to cut it now?”

Willow nodded < the sooner I get this over with the sooner I can stop thinking about it > by the time she had sat up and swung her legs to the floor Spike was waiting, with the door open.

“Your eager” she tried to smile, she really did, but he looked so stricken, so devoid of all emotion when he told her quietly.

“I just need it gone”

“Well better get started then hadn’t I”

Spike followed her from the room - waiting patiently while she grabbed a towel and the clippers from the bathroom - after explaining it would be easier to clean it up in the kitchen Spike followed - silent all the while.

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Spike sat a towel around his shoulders and a shaking Willow behind him - she held the clippers tightly, glad that Spike hadn’t noticed the bruise on her jaw - she’d checked when she’d ducked into the bathroom.

Switching the clippers on - the buzz filling the kitchen. Willow took a deep breath “Ready?”

Spike nodded, and waited as he felt her run the blade across his scalp - his hair falling in clumps around him - Willow was a little startled to see how dark his natural colour was.

A soft fuzzy brown - the colour of milk chocolate - appeared with each swipe. Soon Spike hair was about an inch or so all over. Turning off the clippers Willow brushed as much of the loose strands away as she could.

“All done” she whispered, hoping it was okay - praying it would be okay for him.

She watched with baited breath as Spike ran his hand across his head - feeling the soft fuzz beneath his fingertips.

“Does it look okay? I’m still a handsome devil right?” he tried to joke.

< Don’t give a fuck if I’m as bald as a coot - couldn’t stand having it anymore >

“Yeah - it looks good on you - kinda look like a young Richard , yo, you know when he was in ‘An Officer and a Gentlemen’ - but more rugged” she added for good measure.

Spike chuckled “Richard Gere huh? - well that’s not too shabby”

Sighing slightly he stood, brushed his clothes down and in turning saw the bottle of scotch sitting on the countertop, snagging it he wandered in the direction of the lounge.

He turned to ask Willow to join him, when he saw her about to start cleaning up the kitchen floor, as she bent to pick up some of the larger clumps he shouted, louder then he meant to.

“DON’T! I’ll do it”

“It doesn’t matter - I can do it. I don’t mind” she assured him, slightly worried about his sudden change in demeanour, and the bottle of scotch clutched tight in his hand.

Willow hated people drinking, hated the way it changed otherwise nice sensible people in to idiots - and worse. It always amazed her how the simple process of fermentation and time could produce such a destructive me - t - that so many people on the planet either relied on, or abused it. She knew he’d drunk some earlier - but not a lot, the bottle was still almost full.

“It’s my mess - I’ll clean it up”

Willow knew he wasn’t talking just about the floor - shrugging she went into the lounge and left him to it.

Ten minutes later he returned, Willow was slightly shocked to see the once full bottle - was now very nearly empty. Plopping on the sofa next to her - he smiled slightly. The alcohol had seemed to have done a lot to improve his disposition.

It was almost like looking at ‘normal’ Spike again. Willow could have almost kidded herself that the events of the night hadn’t taken place at all. That it was all brought on by late night pizza and cheetos.
That was until you looked in his eyes - the clear blue was still there, icy and calculating - but now sadness seemed to reside in them too - that hadn’t been there previously.

“I’m really dumb you know Red. I should havalisalised that they wouldn’t have just let it go. Thought I could best them - that I was better than them, like they were beneath ME. Huh sure proved me wrong didn’t they? They got me so angry though pet! The things they said about you - should have just told Buffy - should have warned you to keep an extra vigilant watch for a while. Hey, I could have protected you. Then this would never have happened” Spike rambled, his voice slurring a little.

Willow frowned “ME? - I don’t understand Spike. Gie the the bottle I think you’ve had enough” Willow tugged the bottle from him, in the mini-tug-of-war that followed, her hair swung back to reveal her bruised jaw.

“What the fuck? How the hell did that happen?” Spike reached out to touch her cheek, Willow recoiled from the contact - an old habit.

Spike glared, his anger rising as he felt shame slide over him once more. Grabbing her by the shoulders, he hauled the scared girl in front of him - his whiskey scented breath making her gag - bringing memories to her mind that she had long thought banished.

“Tell me!” he snarled.

“Spike, don’t!” - She cried seeing her fear he let her go.

Willow was on her feet in seconds - all but running around the sofa - she didn’t turn her back on him once, her eyes never leaving his face.

“It was you - you were sleeping and you cried out. It’s okay it doesn’t hurt - I didn’t tell you cos I didn’t want to upset you. I’m going to bed now. Night” she turned to dash away when his voice stopped her.

“I’m sorry I scared you. I like my girls bng fng for more not mercy” he growled - then seeing her frightened expression he felt instantly ashamed.

< All she’s done is help you - don’t take your crap out on her. Look she’s terrified >

“Sorry pet, just the booze talking. I’m sorry I hit you grabbed you…… want me to leave?”

“No - It’s okay, just don’t grab me anymore okay. I don’t like being grabbed Spike” her voice small.

Spike decided to let the comment go - he really didn’t want her to leave him alone, not just yet.

“Would you come watch some T.V- I don’t like watching alone?”

Willow looked has his worried expression and nodded; she sat on the sofa, but left a space between them.

Spike flipped the remote and began scanning through the channels “What do ya fancy Pet?”

“I don’t mind - you feel like fun or thinking?”

Spike looked over at her and frowned “Huh?”

“Cartoons or documentaries?” explaining her codes with a small smile.

“Oh - cartoons - anything but ‘Bugs Bunny’ - bloody thing drives me mental!”

“Right um how about ‘The Simpsons’? Or ‘Ren and Stimpy’?”

“Any ‘Tom and Jerry’?”

Willow raised an eyebrow at his choice - then laughed outright as he whispered conspiratorially “How do you think I really got my nickname Pet?”

“ SPIKE! THE DOG? - ‘that’s my boy’ and all that? Oh that is priceless!”ke gke grinned, glad to hear her laughter - he had always loved Willow’s laugh, it brightened even the worst of his days, and this was certainly one of those.

She was still giggling as she flipped through until she found the cartoon cat - which was as always trying to catch that pesky mouse. They watched in silence - that was until ‘Spike’ the dog came on the screen - Willow flicked her eyes to Spike and howled with laughter again.

“Hey - no telling anyone. Lose my cred!”

“Your secrets safe with me” Willow paused as soon as she said it, she felt his eyes on her and heard him whisper softly.

“I know”

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Spike stayed with Willow all week, his nightmares were still there - his physical wounds were healing but the mental ones would fade but never completely heal. Willow knew this and helped him as much as she could.

His new hair had taken some getting used to - Spike explained that his hair would grow back, but because he was a vampire, it would longer than a mortals.

True to her request none of her friends came by, they had each phoned wondering about her: A. safety (Buffy), B. sanity (Xander) and C. virtue (Giles).

Angel had even phoned but Spike had refused to talk to him, explaining to her that he couldn’t talk to his sire yet - he would chip away until he found out the truth and Spike didn’t want him or anyone else to know. Willow could understand that so sheldeelded all questions on his behalf.

Almost a week to the day after the attack Willow explained to Spike that she would have to go out for a few hours - telling him she had to go to class and pick up some assignments, telling her he’d be okay, he plastering a big smile on his face as she left.

As soon as the door closed he suddenly felt too alone - abandoned , it was almost akin to when Angelus had left him with Dru and Darla.

He lay on the couch and tried to get some sleep, thinking that if he slept away the hours she would be back sooner. Almost as soon as he had closed, his eyes the dreams had come thick and fast - he awoke in a cold sweat - sitting up straight his eyes flashed around the room, almost expecting his attackers to be there - mocking him, trying to grab at him again.

< Shit Willow where are you? Need you here. You keep the demons away >

He sted fed from the couch and went in search of a drink - any drink - finding a new bottle oquilquila; he uncapped the bottle and settled in for a long session.

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Willow returned a couple of hours later - Spike was sprawled on the couch, the empty bottle at his feet.

“Oh no - Spike?” she asked hesitantly.

Bleary eyes stared at her “Hi Red” he slurred.

“What happened?” she asked motioning towards the empty bottle.

“I got raped Pet - thought you knew” he sneered, anger at her desertion clawing at him.

“I know - I meant the drink?” sitting stiffly on the armchair

“Couldn’t sleep - well could sleep but I kept dreaming, thought they were here. Stupid huh seeing as you made them go POOF!” he giggled wildly, dropping the bottle and watching as it spun across the room.

“Spike - I’m sorry I left. I thought you’d be okay, I had to go to the shops”

Spike’s heaappeapped up “Class” he growled

“What?”

“You told me you had to go to class - so just where you Red? Off seeing some new lover boy - had a scratch that needed attention? Should have asked I’m sure I could have helped out. Unless you think that I don’t swing that way anymore?” Spike spat.

Willow shook her head “Nothing like that, for god’s sake Spike I don’t think like that! I had somewhere to go - it had nothing to do with you!”

“At least you could have told me the truth - I know I don’t count as nothing more than a nuisance to you - but I don’t like being lied to!” he shouted back - anger burning along with the effects of the alcohol.

“You’re not a nuisance! What the hell is going on here?”

“Nothing”

“Yes - you have something to say to me so say it” her patience had finally snapped - she didn’t fear him any the less but she sure as hell wouldn’t be used as his verbal punching bag .

“Leave it Pet” he growled, looking through the drinks cabinet again - spying a half bottle of vodka he grabbed it and took a swallow “Sp “Spike! No more drink please - talk to me!” he was really scaring her now - he had seemed to be getting better, deal with what had happened to him, but now he was like he was that first night.

Drinking and lashing out at her.

“What do you wanna talk about Pet? How I can still hear them laugh sti still feel them ripping the clothes from my body, being held down - fucked - by each of them. Not knowing where their hands were going to touch me next - not knowing which part of myself to try to defend. I see it every night. Every time I close my fucking eyes! I see them, feel them, hear them -smell their cum on me. Know what it’s like to get butt fucked do you Red? It’s not fun, not unless it’s done right! Vamps have more stamina than people luv - they can keep going and going - like the fucking ‘energiser bunny’ they are. So still wanna talk do you? - Wanna talk about how I crawled out of there - CRAWLED! - They didn’t see me because they were arguing over which one was gonna go next! Seems they forgot whose turn it was to RAPE ME next - and you know what luv, I crawled all the way to you! Had to see you were okay! That’s why I came here to see YOU!” he bellowed.

Willow stood staring at him, his words falling over themselves in her mind.

< ME? >

“Spike don’t please. I don’t understand. Why are you attacking me? I only tried to help. What happened to you is not my fault!” she cried - scared of his next words, his face had become an evil mask - making her think of the time in the factory.

“Yes it is”

“What? How the hell is this my fault?” she raged - taking a step back as he lunged at her - grabbing her arms and scowling into her face - the alcohol making two of her to his blurred vision - he shook his head and focused slowly on her face.

“They didn’t want ME Pet” he saw rsatisation dawn, and wished, in that moment, he could snatch the words back.

Her eyes went wide and filled with tears - she shook out of his grasp and stepped back, her legs bumping in to the sofa, he saw her about to fall band and went to catch her.

Righting herself she put up her hands to stop him “NO”

“Willow - sorry, so sorry shouldn’t have said anything. Not your fault. Forget I said anything. Please” he begged.

Her face was pure white - making her eyes an unnatural shade of green, she suddenly spun and ran to the kitchen. He could hear her heaving into the sink, the acrid smell of vomit filling the air.

Spike followed her; she was staring out of the window - water running in the sink to wash the evidence away.

“Willow?”

“I’m sorry - I don’t understand any of this. They wanted me? They wanted to do THAT to me? Why?”

She wasn’t looking at him and for a moment Spike was glad of that. He couldn’t see that look again - shattered, ashamed - guilty.

< shouldn’t have said anything - damn drink!! Look at her boy - you’ve all but killed her >

“Buffy” he told her simply.

“What?” she asked turning, her face ashen, lips trembling as she took in the once proud man before, a man who had taken her place in an horrific attack that would have surely left her dead.

“They knew you ran with the Slayer - I heard them - said they were going to go after you. Leave you as a warning for Buffy. I told them not too - told them if they did I’d be after them. Must have followed me, I was so angry over what they’d said I didn’t pick up on their presence until it was too late”

Willow could only stare - why did he have to tell her now - why y? y?

“Thank you” she whispered, not looking at him anymore.

“Pet?”

“I said thank you. I must have a ‘come rape me’ vibe huh?” her voiced hitched.

Spike tilted his head, considering her words - when suddenly the meaning crashed in on him.

“Oh shit”

“That’s where I was - earlier? Rape counselling session. Once a week, for the last four years”

“Four years? You were 16?”

Willow nodded “I can’t - don’t ask. Please. Want a coffee?” her tone flat.

“Willow - I was never going to tell you. I’m sorry”

“I think that should be my line. So coffee?” she began moving slowly around the kitchen.

He could see her hands shaking; damn her whole body was shaking!

She reached out to the radio and turned it on.

“Give me minute okay?” she asked softly - Spike nodded and headed back to the lounge, he heard her fumbling around. Water running, cabinet doors opening and closing the radio played softly in the background - when suddenly as a song started it was turned louder - not by much but louder. He could hear Willow’s voice singing softly along with it - sobs crashing through with some of the words.

I'm here just like I said,
Though it's breaking every rule I’ve ever made.
My racing heart is just the same.
Why make it strong to break it once again.
And I’d love to say I do - give everything to you,
But I can never now be true.

So I say. I think I better leave right now -before I fall any deeper.
Think I better leave right now - feeling weaker and weaker.
Somebody better show me how - before I fall any deeper. I think I better leave right now.

I'm here so please explain, why you’re opening up a healing wound again.
I'm a little more careful, perhaps it shows.
But if I lose the highs at least I’m spared the lows.
And I would tremble in your arms, what could be the harm - to feel my spirit calm.

So I say, I think I better leave right now -before I fall any deeper.
Think I better leave right now - feeling weaker and weaker,
Somebody better show me out - before I fall any deeper. I think I better leave right now.

I wouldn't know how to say - how good it feels seeing you today.
I see you've got your smile back, like you say your right on track but -
You may never know why, once bitten twice is shy, if I’m proud perhaps I should explain - I couldn't bear to lose you again.

I think I better leave right now -before I fall any deeper.
Think I better leave right now - feeling weaker and weaker,
Somebody better show me how - before I fall any deeper. I think I better leave right now.

Spike wandered softly back to the kitchen, pausing in the doorway he saw her staring into space, the words of the song seeming to rip at her very soul - crossing to her he touched her arm lightly - she screamed and spun around - upon seeing him she broke.

That was how it seemed to Spike - she simply broke, pulling her into his arms he held her tight, his own tears falling with hers - she struggled for a moment, not liking being in his embrace - too close.

“I won’t hurt you” he whispered, sobbing she gave up fighting and crumbled into him. He heard her muttering softly -pulling back he caught her mantra.

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry, so sorry, I’m sorry”

“Shush Pet - please. I never wanted to upset you. I got so angry, no not at you - never at you. Willow you have to understand I’d gooughough that a thousand times over to keep you safe. I just - I got - dammit Willow I was scared and angry and when you came back - and said you been someplace other than what you told me. I flipped I thought you’d gone to meet some bloke -a little love in the afternoon and all that”

“Never even had love at night” her voice low.

“Huh? Oh I see - but you and dogboy? I thought?”

“That’s what everyone thought. He didn’t know - no one knows except for Xander and now you, he thought I was frigid - why do you think he looked elsewhere. I was a virgin before that night. I don’t think I’ll ever have a NORMAL relationship” Willow looked up at him and winced as she realised what she had said - stepping out of his arms she turned and began making coffee.

“Do you want to tell me what happened? Who was it Willow?”

“I don’t know - that’s the scariest thing, He wasn’t caught because I didn’t tell anyone - not my parents, the police no-one. He could still be oherehere. He could be someone I know, someone I pass on the street - because I never spoke up he could have done this again!” she hung her head - the pain of that night was still so close - always too close.

Silently handing Spike a mug she walked into the lounge - sitting on the sofa she stared into space, neither of them talked for a long time.

“I’m sorry you had to go through that Spike - if I’d known I would have, have I don’tw - w - hurt them even more. Done something - anything.

“There is one thing you can do for me” Spike told her, his long dead heart hurting over the pain her saw flash on the young girls face.

“What’s that?”

“Don’t be alone forever - you’ve got too much love and compassion to keep to yourself. You need a man to love you - all of you”

“I don’t think I can Spike - I’d freak if someone touched me - understand?”

Spike nodded “But you kissed Oz right? I saw you do that - maybe you just need time”

“Maybe” she smiled.

“Come here” he spoke softly “Tom and Jerry’s on in a minute”

She nodded and sat next to him on the couch - neither of them touching, or speaking - whenever ‘Spike’ the dog appeared on screen they grinned at each other - Spike took his hand in his and held it loosely, Willow froze for a moment but looking in to his soft eyes she left it where it was.

Night fell quietly over Sunnydale, inside a pretty little house, two people drifted off to sleep, their heads tong tng together in their shared slumber, as for the first time in many days - no demons or attackers raped their dreams.

TBC