VIII

VIII Chapter 2: This tug of war. Feeling Weak.


She wished it wasn't like this. Him all sweaty over her, so big and bulky. Rolling hips against her, the rhythm one she never seemed to match. She wondered what he thought. All her moves were mechanical. 'May as well be a doll.’ She thought. ‘Yeah, may as well just be a doll.’ His name on her lips felt foreign, as though she had never spoken it before. Her body was well used. Knowing just when to get wet. Knowing just when to moan. Knowing just when to clench muscles. Knowing just how to fake what her mind needed him to feel, hear, taste.

It was cold. No Feels. No emotions. No…. nothing.

And he never knew.

It was her fault. She knew this. It was just as accepted in her mind as it was to her body. Angel is her husband. Angel is a kind man. Angel is nice. Angel doesn’t know she faked every orgasm, every time.

And that was her fault.

Buffy knew at anytime she could turn to him and say “Hey, tonight I want you turn me around, rip my panties off, and fuck me hard agaithe the wall. Or table. Or couch, or shower.”

She didn’t. Never said a word. She never said she wanted him to lick her toes and finger her until she screamed. Never said she wanted to blow him while she pumped her fingers in his ass.

Never said a word.

If she were to be honest with herself, it was because she didn’t care. It was so easy to just lay there. So easy to make the moves, moan when it was time and cuddle in his arms after.

It was easy to just lay there.

Why change it?


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Anyone looking at him would never guess he was a morning person. He looked like the night. Black clothes. Moonlight white skin. Dark humor and eyes the darkest shade of midnight blue.

But he loved his mornings. He loved being up before anyone else. Being alone in the quite before anyone else was awake. It was like he was the only person alive in the entire world.

Sometimes he felt like that at noon.

Grabbing a cup of coffee (a sin in England, but he enjoyed the bitter taste in the cold mornings) he pulled out a piece of statry ary and couldn’t help the smile that graced his face. A gift from Dawn. Solid black sheets with matching black envelopes that had to be placed inside white overseas mail envelopes. She sent the present with a card saying how sad it was that email was replacing the art of letter writing. Spike never went a week without using the stationary. And each week he received a response on pale pink with deep lavender ink. Each letter was treasured. He even loved the gel pens she sent along with the paper. The glittery gel pens were used with pride and happiness.


Dearest Bit,

I wouldn’t dream of missing your big walk. Can’t believe it has been four years since I walked it myself. Graduation day. I am dating myself here. Next thing you know it’ll be the ten year, and soon, I’ll be complaining about my creaking back. You do realize that you’re the only reason I would ever come back to ‘ol Sunnyhell right. Tell Joyce it will be just me. Dru can’t make it. Some cousin getting married that week. It’ll be nice, just the big bad with his best girls.

Gotta go. Sorry for the rush, but I will be seeing you soon anyway. Hell you may even see me before you get this letter.

Love,
The Big Bad

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Stand there with those damn soulful puppy dog eyes; Get your damn hands off my woman. Otta bash your damn skull in. Rip out your entrails with my bare hands and turn them into artwork for my bathroom. What rhymes with “I’m gonna carve out your lungs.”?

“Spike this is Connor, my Boyfriend. Connor this is Spike.”

“Nice to meet you sir.”

Sir? Who the hell is he calling sir, I am not my da. More reason to hate you, you little piss-

“Spike, curb your inner demon. Mom won’t like it if you kill anyone at my party.”

Catching the amused look in Dawns eyes, Spike gave a bashful grin. “Sorry bit, this is just a little harder then I thought it would be.”

“Well, I think I will go grab a drink. Want one?” Dawn shook her head and both she and Spike watched the boy head to the kitchen

“Are you nervous?” Spike was startled by her question. His eyes squinted as they took in all the changes in this woman child. His lil’bit.

“All grown up aren’t we.” Dawn smiled. A wide warm smile graced her face. A smile that would take the breath away from any male who saw it, including William “Spike” Giles. It didn’t surprise him Dawn would see his fear. She always seemed to have a good grasp on the people around her.

Unlike her sister that is.

“When is she showing?” Spike asked not even trying to hide his anticipation.

“I am surprised she isn’t here already.” Dawn smiled again, knowing he was talking about Buffy. “She and Angel had to sit on the other side of the auditorium during the ceremony, maybe they had to sit through traffic. Let’s go outside for a few. I wanna talk to you about something, but there are too many people in here.”

“Might want to tell the boy.”

“Connor?” Spike pretended not to notice the dreamy look in her eyes as she said his name. It made his heart almost ache. Once again he wondered if he just fell in love with trongrong Summers woman. Taking advantage of Dawns distraction while she looked for her first love, Spike studied the younger woman. She was graceful curves. A dancer comfortable in her movement. No longer the gawky little girl he left before. No longer the tag-along little sister, but a woman moving with sexual ease. And it would have been so easy to love her. So easy to make her fall in love with him. Turn that school girl crush into a life long affair. Dawn was only four years younger than him. So full of life and energy. So much like Buffy. A sigh escaped his lips. ‘Would never work, mate. Face facts, you only have eyes for one Sunnydale girl. And she went off and married a-‘ He shook his head. Dawn was already across the room, a quick kiss and Connor was left behind. Another killer smile graced her face as she grabbed Spikes hand and lead him to the back steps.


“So tell me about the boy.” Spike said as he sat down on the top step. He tried not to remember all the times he sat here with Buffy. Gotta hate this town. Too many memories of her.’

“I met Connor at Buffy’s……. at her wedding. Angel’s mom and his are sisters. We started exchanging emails and then Connor started to drive up from LA on the weekends. We’re both gonna start UC Sunnydale next year.”

“Angel’s cousin.” His voice stayed smooth as he said the hated name. “Does he stay with Angel and Buffy when he comes to town?”

“Like Mom would let him stay here. You were the only guy aloud to stay over. EVER! Even after they were engaged Angel never spent the night here.”

“The newlyweds don’t mind losing the love nest for the weekend?”

Dawn smirked. He couldn’t help but answer it with one of his own. After all he was the one who taught her that look. “I don’t think they really care.”

“What does that mean?” ‘Damn that sounded too hopeful. What are you expecting?’

“Well, Connor is a nice guy. Plus he isn’t there much when he comes to town.” Another smirk “If you know what I mean.”

“Wait a sec? Are you saying your- I don’t know if I can finish that thought out loud.”

She didn’t even blush as she confirmed his thoughts. “Yup.”

“Oh god.”


There she was. Blond hair perfect. Figure perfect. Dress perfect. Standing next to her husband. That hurt. She was so perfect. So……… so………. Painful. Spike was caged. No exit, no latch, no means for escape. Trapped. Couldn’t run, couldn’t fight. Could hardly stand. He felt Dawn wrap an arm around him. Felt her lead him away. Felt her push him into a chair.

Both couple had walked in at the same time. Spike and Dawn from the back of the house, Angel and Buffy through the front door. One look and Spike hated her. She was perfect. Blended with no faults. And he was crumbling. A shattered wall, a cracked windshield, a broken wing. Nothing.

And she was perfect.
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Anyone looking would never know she was dying inside. She should have prepared better. Should have worn her ass kicking boots instead of the plain Jane flats. But clothes were the last thing on her mind when she dressed for Dawns graduation ceremony. Which would explain why Buffy made Angel turn the car around when she realized she only had on one of those plain Jane flats.

Buffy wished she had been able to skip the party all together. But Dawn would never have forgiven her. Once again in all black, Spike was the first person she saw when she walked into the room. Angels arm around her waist never felt heavier then it did right then.

“Awkward moment, my name is Buffy.” She thought as she saw Dawn leading Spike to a chair. He looked so good. So hot. Pale skin. Chiseled cheekbones and that shock of white hair. Angel didn’t notice the stiffness in her back. Or if he did he never let on.

“Oh look, there’s Connor.” Buffy grinned when she saw her sister’s boyfriend. She liked Connor. He was quite, and angsty, and full of teenage testosterone and right now she loved him more than any other male in the world. Because he was a nice distraction.

“Angel, Buffy, I was afraid you weren’t going to make it.” His voice was soft and clipped. Something was wrong. At once Angel caught the tone of something not right.

“Buffy we’re gonna head outside for a moment.” Angel said as he bent down and kissed her cheek. “Then I want to give Dawn her present.”

Buffy sighed. ‘He was supposed to be a distraction for me.’

“Ok. I’ll just go find Mom.” A quick glance to Spike and Dawn showed the two at the chair had watched the exchange.

She ignored them.

“So you’re Spike.” It wasn’t a question. Just a statement. Spike only heard the voice once, briefly but he would always know its own

“And you are Angel.” If he could just keep his cool, Spike thought he might make it through the night.

“Yea. Buffy’s husband.” Spike took a moment to look at the slightly older man. He could see the attraction. Angel was hansom enough. He had the build Buffy always seemed to prefer. Tall, thick cheated, muscles straining against his shirt. Yup, just like all the guys Buffy went for.

“Connor said you are an old friend of the families.” Angel had a grin on his face. Andn thn though Spike wanted to punch him, he grinned back.

“Dawn and I have been friends since I moved here.”

“Weren’t you a little old to be friends with her?”

“I was in the same class with Buffy. Is this your way of asking if I am after Dawn?” Angels grin got bigger.

“Connor is a little concerned you might be competition.”

“No worries there, Joyce is like a mum to me. My da and I lived next door when we moved to Sunnydale. It was right after my Mum died.” It was the truth. Spike wasn’t competition for some young punk. And Joyce was like a mother to him.

“Were you and Buffy good friends?”

Spike took a moment before answering. Were he and Buffy good friends? Yes. And if he said that then the next question might be something Spike wasn’t ready to answer. “We were friends. Same classes, lived next door, and all that rot.”

“Will you be in Sunnydale long?”

“I leave in a few days.”

“You should come over for dinner. Buffy and I would love to have you. Right Buffy?” Spike turned and saw Buffy standing just over his shoulder. Without thought, Spike spoke.

“I would love to.”

“So you just invited him? No thoughts to ask me? Just 'hey stranger, come on over to dinner?'” Angel wasn’t sure where this was coming from. Buffy hadn’t said a word about Spike coming over in the last few days. And now two hours before the dinner she was running all over the house striating and reorganizing everything in sight. “AND WHY ARENT YOU HELPING? This place is a mess! Angel?”

“Buffy, baby calm down. If you want we can cancel. I am sure he will understand. I’ll just call and tell him we had a change of plans.” Angel was confused. Joyce and Dawn both had explained how close the two were in school. He was a bit surprised she had never said anything about him before. But Angel realized along time ago that his wife wasn’t open about a lot of things in her life. She never seemed to be sentimental about anything from her childhood or high school years. She only kept one object from her childhood. A well worn stuffed pig which sat on the shelf above the television.

“No we can’t! He’ll know.” Buffy said as she sprayed another round of pledge on the coffee table. “Please, just help me clean this mess up.”

Two hours later Buffy had just stepped out of the shower when she heard the door bell ring. Hearing Angel greet their guest, Buffy sighed and ran to her closet.

Angel was in the kitchen when Buffy emerged from her room on the second floor. Spike was standing at the bottom. Once again all in black. Black jeans, snug fitting black shirt. Buffy felt hot, like she was standing over a hot spring in a humid room. Her crisp white shirt seemed too tight. Her head was starting to pound from the severe ponytail she had pulled it into. Suddenly it seemed they were in another place. Another time. And no one existed but the two of them. Spike reached out and pulled her hand into his.

“Buffy, I-“

“Oh good. Buffy just in time.” Angel said smiling. “Spike I hope you still eat red meat. Dawn said you liked your steak bloody. My kind of guy. Buffy won’t eat hers unless it is cooked very well done.”

Spike cocked his head. That didn’t sound right. “Oh really does she now.”


During the meal Spike took the time in between Angel’s polite conversation to observe Buffy. Apparently she preferred understated conservative clothes to her old ‘hot wear’. That he could excuse. People grow up. People change. She wore channel number #5 now, and he missed the old vanilla fields scent. Spike missed a few other things about her also. She was quite now. Every time she laughed or smiled, the happiness didn’t seem to reach her eyes.

‘Just wishful thinking, you ponce.’ Spike thought. ‘You just want to find a reason to come riding in on a big white horse and rescue her. Doesn’t matter if everyone says she is happy. Doesn’t matter if she tells you she is happy.’ But she hadn’t. Buffy hadn’t told him she was happy. And right now she was saying she was uncomfortable and he was the cause.

Both blondes were relieved when the dinner was over.

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Buffy wondered what Angel was dreaming about. She had been watching him sleep for over an hour. Since his last yawn, he hadn’t stopped smiling. She thought back to when they first met. Angel had been so unhappy. Now all he did was smile. He once brooded for hours on end. Reading books in French, and drinking scotch. They didn’t even have a bottle of scotch in the house now. Hadn’t for years.

She traced the curve of his neck. One finger moving down his chest and back up. Over his face and back down. Lower. He sighed and cuddled his body closer to hers. One hand now resting on her thigh.


Again she ran her hand lower. He wasn’t wearing anything to bed. Which was normal. He always slept in the nude. She, on the other hand always dressed in men styled pajamas. Except tonight.


Buffy moved the covers away from his body. Tri-wy woy workout sessions left his body lean and muscled. Buffy took the time to explore each one as she leaned closer. Under her hands Angel whimpered. She took one nipple in her mouth and tugged it gently and her hand traced around his softly hardened cock.

“Buffy.” It was a breathy moan. Her first reaction was to move away, but his hands found their way into her hair. “What are-“ Another groan as she began to lightly stroke him. Angel now fully awake moved his hands down to her breasts. One thumb over her nipple, gently moving over and around it until it was taunt. His other hand moved to her hip. Pushing her softly. She understood his meaning and moved over him. She rubbed her cuntr hir him and he hissed in response. Buffy lifted herself over him until the tip of his erection brushed under her clit. “Buffy…. please.”

Suddenly she knew this wasn’t going to work. She was wet and swollen, but his voice …. His voice wasn’t going to help her get over the edge. She needed this. She needed a release. She needed something hard and rough and… and looking into Angels soulful eyes wasn’t enough.

“Angel, sit up.” Her tone was commanding. And Angel complied. “Throw your feet over the edge of the bed.” Knowing he was confused, Buffy pulled his legs where she wanted them.

“Wha-“

“Shhh.”

Once he was in place, Buffy moved in front of him. Her body facing the wall not him. She used the night stand next to the bed as leverage and settled her body over his. Once she was sheathed tightly over him, away from his face she realized she was wetter than she had been in so long. “Hold onto my hips.” Again he complied. She began moving.

“Oh god, Buffy.”

“Shhhh”

Again he complied.

She worked her body over his as fast and hard as she could. Only taking what she needed with no concern for him. He was touching her in places he never had reached before. And she was just happy he wasn’t making anymore sounds than a grunt or moan. On the other hand, Buffy was babbling incoherently. And when she came. She came hard. All energy seeped from her body and over his legs.

Angel lifted her slightly and pushed himself forward so fast Buffy had to grab the wall for support. Her legs didn’t touch the ground as she was pounded into. One hand gripped her hips, holding her in place, while the other ran around her chest and lifted her. “Oh shit.” Buffy yelped at the change of angle. A grunt was all she heard from behind.

With one last jerk of his hips, Angel let his orgasm flow. Boneless both slid to the floor.

Buffy was still impaled on him, as they made the descent to the ground. Angel’s knees and thighs cushioning under her, as he peppered kisses along the back of her neck.

“Damn.” His voice was shaky. His body was shaky.

And the mood was broken. Quickly Buffy crawled off him. “I’m gonna grab a quick shower.” She didn’t even look back as she scrambled from the room. Once in the shower Buffy turned the water on as hot as she could stand it. With her body wash in hand, she went over what had just happened in her mind.

She had just had sex. With her husband. While thinking about another man. Spike.

“Oh god.”

While Buffy was in the shower Angel made his way downstairs. Once in the kitchen he grabbed a glass of water. Quickly the water was drained, and he filled it once more. Buffy had never been like that before. Angel could admit that was the best sex they had had in years. It shocked him how amazing she had been.

It shocked him that she had screamed another mans name.

Unsure of what he should do, Angel sat the glass down and went back to bed. He pretended to be asleep when Buffy finally came back to bed.

once again thanks to smithers, zeta, flames, and nikita. I couldnt have made it throught this one without you!