Truth Denied

Pairings: Spander (eventually)
Appropriate Ratings: NC17 overall but this chapter... pg-13
Warnings: Not much for this chappie(Again, lemme know if I'm wrong)
Short Summary: The boys find some solace.
Beta: LJ User Tamakin and LJ User laazikaat


~*~

The shower felt nice, washing away the sweat and easing his sore muscles. The ointment had worked well, deep bruising eased and over half healed while the cuts and abrasions were almost completely healed. He had a few fine pink scars, but they’d be gone by morning, Xander would never know. The mirror was too fogged over to give him any real detail, but he felt them with his finger tips.

Xander was gone, out for the night doing whatever it was he had an appointment for and Spike was… alone. His emotions were all out of whack, leaving him feeling like he was sinking all over again. This was different from before though, there was no panic, no anxiety, he was just very tired, very depressed and feeling so alone he ached.

He knew the symptoms, he’d had sub drop before, it was the price he paid for the moment of utter freedom he found at the end of a lash. He felt the tears gathering at the corners of his eyes, he hated this weakness that left him gutted but he was more than willing to pay the price for that moment, that single precious moment. Besides, he’d played with this Top before, he knew Spike needed aftercare, often days after the scene.

It was all part of their negotiation package, but that didn’t mean he didn’t feel awful about having to make the call. It always felt like he’d failed somehow, even though he knew if he didn’t this Top would be very upset with him. He always insisted he enjoyed the lengthy aftercare that Spike often required and that it was part of the reason he always tried to play with Spike whenever they saw each other at the dungeon. Spike just liked to play with him because he was one of very few that went as far as he needed and that he trusted to that extreme.

Spike flipped open his cell phone and sniffled, rubbing the back of his hand against his nose before typing in a memorized number. He scrubbed his eyes with the heels of his hands before smoothing out his eyebrows and took a few cleansing breaths before finally hitting the ‘send’ button and putting the phone to his ear. It rang three times before the other person picked up and the voice that greeted him made his stomach clench and a flurry of warm butterflies erupted in his stomach before pooling excitedly in his groin.

He bit back a groan and clenched his eyes, now was not the time for this! He took another deep breath before finally saying a word. “Greg?” His voice cracked, he took another breath and cleared his throat, “I need… I’m…” He broke into anxious laughter, “Yeah, exactly.” He smiled tiredly and curled up on the couch, pulling his knees close to his chin. “Dunno what I’d do without you, you make it all so much easier,” he confessed in a low whisper before the tears took over again.

~*~*~*~*~*~

Xander lounged against the dark red wall, trying hard not to slouch, while Chad busily sketched on his canvas. He felt so self conscious standing there while the only person in the room stared avidly and unashamedly at his every curve and bulge. Oh sweet merciful deities, why didn’t I think this through? He’s staring at me, and he will keep staring at me until he’s finished, won’t he? Because this is what an artist would do when they were painting something. Or sketching something, because he doesn’t seem to have any paints out but a lotta charcoal and where’s the painting part? He picked up the wine glass he’d left on a stool by his leg and took a large sip, took a careful breath then another almost-gulp.

“So, what’s with the charcoal? I thought you needed paint to paint.” Xander stared down at his wine glass almost accusingly, So, slightly drunk. Should not have said that, not without thinking about saying it, because I didn’t but I said it anyways. This is what happens when I drink. I don’t think I just do, and I don’t want to lead Chad on, need thinking. Thinking good, wine bad. Bad wine, bad bad – oh fuck, he was answering me and now he’s doing the staring at me staring at him staring at me staring at him thing! Oh, right. Talking would tell him I’m not crazy or suddenly driven deaf.

“Sorry man, I was totally spaced. I think I need to cut back on the wine.” He smiled and drained his glass then put it down. Then resisted the urge to slap himself on the forehead repeatedly and violently. Didn’t have to drink it before I put it down! See? The not thinking is already worse and I just had to make it worse worse! Worse worse… hee… oh gawd don’t giggle. LISTEN TO HIM THIS TIME… stop yammering at yourself, yeesh!

“- on top.”

Oh yeah, tuning in just then? Perfect. Just… perfect. “Right. So, um… wouldn’t this be easier to do off a photograph? I mean, not that I mind standing here without a shirt with my arms crossed leaning against your studio wall and all, but you could stare at the photo for days and take your time.” Did that just sound like I think it sounded? I should not speak. No speaking. Shut up Xander, you just keep putting your foot in it.

Chad’s rich laugh startled Xander, “Because then we wouldn’t talk and get to know each other. Click, done, it may be painless but it’s also boring. I hate boring.” He bit the tip of his tongue between his teeth as he concentrated on his sketch and tried to hide his smirk when he noticed Xander’s eyes locked on it. He wiggled it and had to fight off the smirk even harder. “Besides, this way I get to ask questions in private instead of out in the open at the club.”

Xander gulped, suddenly wishing for more wine; Chad didn’t look like he’d been kidding. Okay, so maybe some alone time is a small price to pay. And maybe I cut myself off a little early. He watched the small bud of tongue gripped between Chad’s white teeth. He watched it writhe and bulge and twist, and then he saw the twinkle in Chad’s eye. Okay, so he’s not gonna push me but he’s not gonna say no either. And he’s probably gonna try to turn things his way in totally innocent nudges and hints. And if I have more wine I’m going to make myself look like a goddamned idiot. More so than I already look.

“W-ell, how about you get the ball rolling. I’m not used to this interrogation style ‘get-to-know-someone-better’ talk, you seem to have some experience.” He tried for a light bantering tone and added a laugh at the end to soften things that he hoped didn’t sound too shrill or insincere. Chad’s smirk told him he’d succeeded in at least not pissing the bartender off yet.

“Fine then, let’s start simple: where do you know Spike from?” He smudged at his canvass before muttering under his breath and erasing a large section. He picked up a thinner stick of charcoal and continued his sketch. Xander stared dumbly as he tried to unscramble his thoughts long enough to think of an answer.

“We used to live in the same town and hung out with the same people for a bit. I’m sorry, but anything else you want to learn about Spike you’re gonna hafta ask him yourself; I’m telling no one’s story but my own tonight.” Xander felt his jaw tighten as an odd protective feeling flared him his chest. Whaddaya know? I’m all mother bear over Spike. No, no that’s not it. It’s just easier not to fuck up Spike’s stories if I don’t say anything. That’s all. Not protective, just self preservation.

Chad smiled and nodded, “Fair enough, but I get to go again. First kiss, boy or girl? And I’m not talking relative kissing, I’m talking hungry, hot, passionate kiss. The kinda kiss where you began to wonder why it’s so hot, get me? The first kiss to turn you on.”

“B-boy.” He swallowed thickly and looked down briefly before looking back up. “My best friend. I didn’t… I didn’t react well.” That was an understatement. He remembered the flare of panic that his father would find out, find out and beat the shit out of him and worse, beat on Jesse too.

He’d pushed his friend away, spitting, and rubbing his face with his sleeve and the back of his hand. Can’t find out, gotta hide it, gotta make it all go away, gotta hide it, can’t find out, can’t find out, oh god, he’s going to kill Jesse, he’s going to kill me. He always said he’d kill me if he ever found me… found me… I can’t let him hurt Jesse, I can’t. And he’d pushed his best friend away, almost violently, and ran from the room. He ran down the hall and down the stairs and out the front door before running all the way home. Well, almost all the way home, he’d stopped at a clump of bushes to throw up the meatloaf and Kraft Dinner Jesse’s mom had fed them for dinner.

He remembered shivering outside all night, alone in a vacant lot with only the pyjama bottoms he’d been getting ready to sleep in. He couldn’t go home, his parents thought he was staying at Jesse’s, but he couldn’t go back, not after that. So he spent the night and most of the next day huddled on a park bench, waiting until he knew his parents would be out so he could sneak back into his room.

“Well, if it’s any consolation, my first kiss didn’t go too great either,” Chad’s voice cut through his melancholic reverie and brought him back to the present. He looked quizzically at the sandy haired blond, then smiled softly when he recognized the topic change for what it was.

“That’s hard to believe. What happened, since you’re apparently up to talking about it?” He smiled softly, grateful his pain had been recognized and carefully avoided without a fuss.

“Oh, trust me, you’ve never had it this bad. It was an old friend of mine that I’d lusted after for years. He was the reason I was sure I was gay. Well, I think he knew I liked him but he was brought up to believe queers were… well… not good. Anyways, he kissed me while drunk off his mother’s secret stash when we were both fifteen.” He kept sketching, looking intense for brief moments before finally talking again.

He looked up at Xander with that twinkle back in his eye, “Now, I’m telling you this ‘cuz I trust you won’t go sharing it with anyone. I think I already told Spike this so you don’t have to keep it from him, anyways. He kissed me. And while kissing me and curling my toes, puked in my mouth. I wasn’t nearly as hot for him after that.” He was laughing by the end, obviously over his previous pain and humiliation and Xander couldn’t help but join in.

“Well, at least you had nowhere to go but up!”

“Yeah, but I lost good wank material that day. Took me forever to find my next fantasy fuck,” Chad lamented, a hand over his heart that smudged his t-shirt with charcoal smudges as he did it. He rolled his eyes heavenward dramatically, “Took me three whole hours! Do you have any idea how many wasted hardons that was for me? It was horrible!.”

Xander kept laughing till it naturally tapered off and let out a contented sigh. It had been a while since he’d laughed this much. It had been a while since anyone had cared enough about him to get him to laugh when he was upset. The knot of tension that had been twisting his stomach had eased away leaving him feeling loose and comfortable.

“You do this often?” he finally asked.

“What? Paint pictures? Whenever I’m inspired I guess. I think I average about…” he pursed his lips in thought and squinted one eye, “three every two months. Or so.”

“Wow, okay. But I mean more like, do this. Bring a guy you wanna get to know over to your house so you can paint them?” He was still smiling faintly. He liked this feeling, it was so much better than the way he normally felt. He felt… normal.

“Actually, every single person I’ve wanted to get to know better I’ve invited over to have their portrait done. I find it gives us a chance to bond, to experience something unique between us that can never be repeated. It’s a good time to really see someone, study someone and let them study me when I’m at my most honest and distracted enough that I couldn’t keep up a façade if I tried.” Chad smiled softly and gave Xander a small wink.

“Have all of them been people you ended up sleeping with?” Xander’s inner eye cheerfully filled with images of him punching himself out, because the wine? Was very much making the jump from brain to tongue without his consent! I don’t want to know this! Why would I want to know this? It’s not going to happen, not with him, not with anyone. I’m just asking for trouble, why do I just ask for trouble?

“Actually, no,” Chad laughed and shook his head. “Like I said, ‘every single person’. I even did one of my mother and sister, though not nearly as undressed. Though the portrait my sister had me paint for her fifth wedding anniversary present is an exception to that rule. She said the frame was wood so it worked for a traditional present, but really, one shouldn’t see their baby sister that way.” He shuddered and twitched dramatically, laughing at himself while Xander joined in.

“So, I guess I get four questions to ask you,” he smirked and licked his lips.

Xander frantically thought back on their conversation and grasped at the one straw he could find, “No way, three. One doesn’t count because you didn’t answer my actual question. Not my fault you didn’t ask for clarification.”

“Alright, alright, I’ll give you that one,” Chat admitted, holding up his hands in surrender.

“Any chance you’ll knock the rest off as a penalty for not answering the question?”

“You’re just lucky I don’t charge you another one for that question,” he laughed and shook his head, waggling his finger reproachfully in the air.

Xander sighed and settled himself mentally for a long haul of questions and answers. It’s not that bad, at least he seems to respect limits, even when they aren’t spoken. He seems safe…