Deja Vu - the updates
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AtS AU/AR › Slash - Male/Male › Angel(us)/Spike(William)
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Category:
AtS AU/AR › Slash - Male/Male › Angel(us)/Spike(William)
Rating:
Adult ++
Chapters:
52
Views:
4,107
Reviews:
2
Recommended:
0
Currently Reading:
0
Disclaimer:
I do not own Angel: The Series, nor any of the characters from it. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.
Chapter 79
Deja Vu
Pairing: Angel/Spike
Rating: NC17
Author: Jane Alexander
Disclaimer: No infringement of copyright is intended. The characters belong to Joss. I’m just borrowing them. I’ll try and return them undamaged, honest!
Document version: 21 December 2004
Feedback: janealexanderxxx@hotmail.com
Archived at: http://www.foreverfandom.net/viewstory.php?sid=4394
This story is AU and is a sequel to The Guy in Question.
Warning: includes character death.
Chapter 79
Angel’s apartment - same time, same place
*******************
“You’ve never disappointed me,” Angel said as he absent-mindedly stroked the back of Spike’s head with the fingers of one hand.
“Funny way of showing it, ’s all I can say then, Pet.”
Spike raised his head and met Angel’s gaze.
“It was myself, not you, I was disappointed in… always,” Angel continued. “Both then and now.”
Angel found it almost impossible to explain but he knew he had to try. He owed Spike that much, at least.
“I never wanted to fall in love. I never wanted to care about someone, even before I was turned, and I never wanted there to be anyone in my life who mattered…”
Spike started to frown.
“And then I met you and everything changed.”
He kissed the top of Spike’s head.
“Hey, watch it, Luv. Remember what Lorne said.”
“One kiss… on the lips,” Angel replied with a smile. “He didn’t say I couldn’t kiss you anywhere else.”
“Didn’t say you could either.”
Angel went back to running his fingers through Spike’s hair.
“By the time I realised the effect you were having on me, it was too late. Part of me was… revolted - I’m sorry but there’s no other way to describe it - by the way I felt. I was above mere mortal feelings, or so I thought at the time. I was supposed to be a monster - I revelled in it. But, how could I be if I was capable of love? I couldn’t allow emotions to distract me… make me weak. I was the Scourge of Europe… I couldn’t allow anyone to take that away from me… I couldn’t allow you to make me love you…”
Angel paused, lost in thought. The memories were so painful… though not as painful as the ‘punishment’ he’d inflicted on Spike…
“And the other part of you?” Spike prompted, taking a step away from Angel and crossing his arms in front of him..
“Couldn’t bear to be parted from you… couldn’t stand not to be touching you… couldn’t stop myself from taking all the love and affection you had to give…”
“And then spitting it back in my face.”
Spike suddenly turned around and began to pace.
“Spike, please!” Angel begged. “Don’t you think I know exactly what I did? I think about it every day. I’d do anything to change it, to make it right - you have to believe me - but I never can. I know that…”
It was a fact he’d lived with for a hundred years.
“I don’t know how you can even bear to look at me…” he concluded, sinking down onto the edge of the bed, his head in his hands.
The situation was impossible.
“How can I ever expect you to forgive me?” he asked.
Spike stopped pacing and knelt on the floor in front of Angel.
“You can’t, Luv,” Spike said, his tone gentler than Angel deserved. “You have no right,”
Spike’s hand was brushing his cheek. Angel looked up. Spike was smiling. He wasn’t angry. He wasn’t angry at all…
“Thing is, though, I do forgive you,” Spike whispered. “As a matter of fact, I forgave you a long time ago, Pet. It’s you who have to forgive yourself. You did what you had to. You’re a vampire…”
“So are you but you never did the things I did…”
Except when Angel had asked him to…
“Yeah, well. I guess some demons are just more… demonic than others, Pet. Weren’t your fault…”
“You keep saying that, Sweetheart, but if it wasn’t my fault then whose fault was it?”
“Dunno, Luv. Powers that be, I s’pose. What the fuck difference does it make now?”
“I am what I am,” Angel continued, ignoring Spike’s reply. “Darla didn’t make me into a monster. I already was a monster. She simply released what was inside all along…”
“Put you in touch with your inner demon, so to speak…”
Spike was grinning.
“Sorry… I’m not trying to take the piss, Luv. Honest,” Spike said.
It certainly sounded that way. How could he make light of something so fundamental to their relationship?
As Angel stared at his childe in disbelief, Spike took a deep breath. Okay, so maybe he was starting to take this seriously after all.
“Maybe we all have a little demon in us, Pet,” he said. “But, we have summat else as well: the capacity to love. She released the one and I released the other…”
Spike had certainly done that. Angel had never expected, never imagined anyone could affect him so. Yes, what Spike was saying made sense…
“And both were struggling for control… I see that now… You know I’ve never thought of it in those terms before…”
“What, after all that quality brooding time you’ve put in over the years, you’re trying to tell me you’ve never come up with that one?”
Now Spike was laughing.
“No,” Angel admitted, feeling somewhat foolish.
“Never were the sharpest pencil in the box, eh, Luv?” Spike said. “Come ’ere you stupid pillock. You may be a monster but you’re my monster and I wouldn’t have you any other way…”
Spike was leaning forward to wrap his arms around him. Angel felt Spike’s lips briefly touch his forehead.
“And you don’t disappoint me now,” Angel said, suddenly remembering where this conversation had started. “Please don’t ever think that… I’m proud of what you’ve done, Spike… or, will do. Fuck! I don’t know which is the right tense anymore… You closed the Hellmouth… you saved the world. But, not just that. You helped Buffy and the others… even before you had a soul. You cared about them all, Xander included…”
Spike chuckled to himself.
“Oh, he’s not so bad, Luv, once you get to know him.”
“… and you went in search of your soul. You wanted it. I could never have done that. My soul was forced on me against my will.”
“It seemed like a good idea at the time.”
“You put me to shame…”
“Nonsense, Luv. We just had different circumstances, is all,” Spike replied. “Point is, it all turned out for the good… for both of us… That’s all that matters now.”
“Are you sure, Spike?”
“Yes, Luv. I’m sure. Never been surer of anything in me entire existence.”
“I love you, Sweetheart. You do believe me, don’t you?”
“Yes, of course I do. Here, get your kit off, Pet. Let’s finish this little tete a tete in bed. I’m getting chilly kneeling on this cold floor.”
*******************
Pairing: Angel/Spike
Rating: NC17
Author: Jane Alexander
Disclaimer: No infringement of copyright is intended. The characters belong to Joss. I’m just borrowing them. I’ll try and return them undamaged, honest!
Document version: 21 December 2004
Feedback: janealexanderxxx@hotmail.com
Archived at: http://www.foreverfandom.net/viewstory.php?sid=4394
This story is AU and is a sequel to The Guy in Question.
Warning: includes character death.
Chapter 79
Angel’s apartment - same time, same place
*******************
“You’ve never disappointed me,” Angel said as he absent-mindedly stroked the back of Spike’s head with the fingers of one hand.
“Funny way of showing it, ’s all I can say then, Pet.”
Spike raised his head and met Angel’s gaze.
“It was myself, not you, I was disappointed in… always,” Angel continued. “Both then and now.”
Angel found it almost impossible to explain but he knew he had to try. He owed Spike that much, at least.
“I never wanted to fall in love. I never wanted to care about someone, even before I was turned, and I never wanted there to be anyone in my life who mattered…”
Spike started to frown.
“And then I met you and everything changed.”
He kissed the top of Spike’s head.
“Hey, watch it, Luv. Remember what Lorne said.”
“One kiss… on the lips,” Angel replied with a smile. “He didn’t say I couldn’t kiss you anywhere else.”
“Didn’t say you could either.”
Angel went back to running his fingers through Spike’s hair.
“By the time I realised the effect you were having on me, it was too late. Part of me was… revolted - I’m sorry but there’s no other way to describe it - by the way I felt. I was above mere mortal feelings, or so I thought at the time. I was supposed to be a monster - I revelled in it. But, how could I be if I was capable of love? I couldn’t allow emotions to distract me… make me weak. I was the Scourge of Europe… I couldn’t allow anyone to take that away from me… I couldn’t allow you to make me love you…”
Angel paused, lost in thought. The memories were so painful… though not as painful as the ‘punishment’ he’d inflicted on Spike…
“And the other part of you?” Spike prompted, taking a step away from Angel and crossing his arms in front of him..
“Couldn’t bear to be parted from you… couldn’t stand not to be touching you… couldn’t stop myself from taking all the love and affection you had to give…”
“And then spitting it back in my face.”
Spike suddenly turned around and began to pace.
“Spike, please!” Angel begged. “Don’t you think I know exactly what I did? I think about it every day. I’d do anything to change it, to make it right - you have to believe me - but I never can. I know that…”
It was a fact he’d lived with for a hundred years.
“I don’t know how you can even bear to look at me…” he concluded, sinking down onto the edge of the bed, his head in his hands.
The situation was impossible.
“How can I ever expect you to forgive me?” he asked.
Spike stopped pacing and knelt on the floor in front of Angel.
“You can’t, Luv,” Spike said, his tone gentler than Angel deserved. “You have no right,”
Spike’s hand was brushing his cheek. Angel looked up. Spike was smiling. He wasn’t angry. He wasn’t angry at all…
“Thing is, though, I do forgive you,” Spike whispered. “As a matter of fact, I forgave you a long time ago, Pet. It’s you who have to forgive yourself. You did what you had to. You’re a vampire…”
“So are you but you never did the things I did…”
Except when Angel had asked him to…
“Yeah, well. I guess some demons are just more… demonic than others, Pet. Weren’t your fault…”
“You keep saying that, Sweetheart, but if it wasn’t my fault then whose fault was it?”
“Dunno, Luv. Powers that be, I s’pose. What the fuck difference does it make now?”
“I am what I am,” Angel continued, ignoring Spike’s reply. “Darla didn’t make me into a monster. I already was a monster. She simply released what was inside all along…”
“Put you in touch with your inner demon, so to speak…”
Spike was grinning.
“Sorry… I’m not trying to take the piss, Luv. Honest,” Spike said.
It certainly sounded that way. How could he make light of something so fundamental to their relationship?
As Angel stared at his childe in disbelief, Spike took a deep breath. Okay, so maybe he was starting to take this seriously after all.
“Maybe we all have a little demon in us, Pet,” he said. “But, we have summat else as well: the capacity to love. She released the one and I released the other…”
Spike had certainly done that. Angel had never expected, never imagined anyone could affect him so. Yes, what Spike was saying made sense…
“And both were struggling for control… I see that now… You know I’ve never thought of it in those terms before…”
“What, after all that quality brooding time you’ve put in over the years, you’re trying to tell me you’ve never come up with that one?”
Now Spike was laughing.
“No,” Angel admitted, feeling somewhat foolish.
“Never were the sharpest pencil in the box, eh, Luv?” Spike said. “Come ’ere you stupid pillock. You may be a monster but you’re my monster and I wouldn’t have you any other way…”
Spike was leaning forward to wrap his arms around him. Angel felt Spike’s lips briefly touch his forehead.
“And you don’t disappoint me now,” Angel said, suddenly remembering where this conversation had started. “Please don’t ever think that… I’m proud of what you’ve done, Spike… or, will do. Fuck! I don’t know which is the right tense anymore… You closed the Hellmouth… you saved the world. But, not just that. You helped Buffy and the others… even before you had a soul. You cared about them all, Xander included…”
Spike chuckled to himself.
“Oh, he’s not so bad, Luv, once you get to know him.”
“… and you went in search of your soul. You wanted it. I could never have done that. My soul was forced on me against my will.”
“It seemed like a good idea at the time.”
“You put me to shame…”
“Nonsense, Luv. We just had different circumstances, is all,” Spike replied. “Point is, it all turned out for the good… for both of us… That’s all that matters now.”
“Are you sure, Spike?”
“Yes, Luv. I’m sure. Never been surer of anything in me entire existence.”
“I love you, Sweetheart. You do believe me, don’t you?”
“Yes, of course I do. Here, get your kit off, Pet. Let’s finish this little tete a tete in bed. I’m getting chilly kneeling on this cold floor.”
*******************